I own nothing.
**
Chapter 15: Whispers
[Careless Whispers, by George Michael]
February 2, 1978
There was a dismal shroud upon the hospital wing when James entered it the next day after lessons and dropped his rucksack on the ground. The beds were unoccupied aside from one. He headed towards it.
James caught his breath when he saw Lily sitting by Maria's bed, her quill scratching out answers on her parchment. He could see she was doing the Charms homework assigned for that day.
"What are you doing here, Lily?" he asked.
He expected her to jump, but her movements just stilled and she turned to look at him.
"Honestly? I was waiting for you, James."
"How did you know I'd come?"
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Instinct."
James looked at Maria. Her face was pale, her nose red, and her eyelashes formed dark crescents underneath her eyes. "Good instincts."
"Is it possible to worry about someone you think you should hate?" Lily asked, putting her materials aside and leaning forward.
James's gaze flickered to her. He wondered if she was trying to get him to admit something. "It obviously is."
Lily looked at him curiously and he stared straight at her. Her eyes darted from James, to herself, to James. Her cheeks colored and she looked down. "Oh. I didn't ask on purpose. I didn't want you to tell me how you felt about me-"
"It's okay. I know."
"I don't-she talked to me yesterday. And she made sense. She said…she said that she's an Amoris. And that it wasn't your fault-"
"The other night was my fault. It's not like I stopped her," James admitted reluctantly.
"But she said she-"
"Thought we'd find you up here."
James turned irritably to look at the door. Sirius and Peter were walking towards them, and James couldn't help but be annoyed by their interruption of his and Lily's conversation.
Then again, he knew Sirius had feelings for Maria. He wasn't as bad as most people thought. Before Sirius shagged a girl, he actually had to have feelings for her.
Sirius just had feelings for a lot of girls.
And he'd always thought that the tension between Sirius and Maria was extreme. Extremer than extreme.
Maria groaned and stirred. Everyone looked at her and James held his breath.
Maria put her hand on her forehead and winced with closed eyes. She opened one halfway and looked around.
"James?" she said hoarsely, her eyes focusing on him. James felt rather than heard Sirius sigh in disappointment.
Maria sat up. "Sirius? Evans?"
Lily stood quickly. "Er…yea." There was a tense silence. "Madame Gauche gave you a dreamless sleep potion."
Maria looked at Lily quizzically. "Why?"
James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter exchanged looks. Sirius sat down on the side of Maria's bed and James took Lily's chair.
"Maria…your parents," Sirius said softly.
Maria stared at him. "I thought it was a nightmare."
Sirius made a motion with his hand, almost to cover Maria's, but she pulled her hand away. She stared at him, her face ashen, and frowned.
"Maria-"
"No, Sirius. Don't even-"
"I th-think you should have th-this conversation another t-time," said Peter shakily.
"Shut up," Sirius said sharply, his gaze flickering to his short friend.
"Come on, Peter," said James, standing, wanting to avoid a fight.
"No. He's just setting himself up to get-"
"Come on," Lily said, backing away from the bed. "Let's go. Leave them to it."
"We're right here," said Sirius irritably.
Lily ignored him and began to walk towards the door. James and Peter followed her.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" was the last thing James heard Maria say before the door slammed shut.
The three stood in front of the door to the hospital wing, staring at each other awkwardly. "I'm…going to Gryffindor Tower," Lily said.
"I'll go see Remus," said Peter.
James stayed silent. He needed to talk to Remus, but every time he tried Remus brushed him off. The full moon was coming up, and James didn't know what was going to happen. He wanted to go with Lily, but he wasn't sure if he could handle having a conversation with her.
"I'm…going to the Heads' room," James said, and realized he was speaking to empty air. Lily and Peter had left.
James sighed and began his trek to the Heads' room, alone.
**
The water was scalding hot. James stood limply under the flow and let it wash away every single feeling he had had this morning. He pressed his hands against the cold, blue tiles of the shower and rested his forehead against it.
He heard a sound behind him and he breathed deeply, trying not to inhale water.
The door to the shower opened and a blast of cold hair hit him. He refused to shiver. The door closed and he heard someone breathing behind him.
"J-"
"Lily," he said in a choked voice, "I'm naked."
"So?"
He didn't say anything, but he did turn around to look at her, meeting her eyes. Her gaze was steady and unwavering.
James made to turn around but her eyes held him.
"Don't you turn around, James," she said, stepping forward into the spray of water, her robes becoming drenched. Her hair was plastered to her head and her eyes blazed.
She looked…angry.
Angry?
"I-I-I broke up with Sirius for you. Even before I knew about that bet-I decided-I let you-the first time anyone ever-you've been tiptoeing around me for a bloody month…and here I was, thinking you might…" She trailed off and swiped at her bright eyes.
Strangely, he didn't feel a single trace of embarrassment as she looked him over. If she didn't want him by now no matter how pale and awkward looking he was…what was the point?...not that it mattered, because…
"We aren't going to work, Lily," James said quietly.
"Don't say that," she growled.
"It's true, Lily. We won't last."
She pushed him down onto the shower ledge and straddled his lap, one knee on either side of his thighs. James suppressed a groan and hoped she wouldn't feel his reaction.
If she did, she gave no sign of it. She pressed her lips to his forehead, his neck, his cheek.
"You know this is right, James," she breathed against his skin. "I know you know this is right." Her fingers slid down the length of his torso and she placed her hand on his thigh. James sucked in a sharp breath and shifted beneath her. She watched him carefully and leaned down.
He couldn't kiss her-not like this. He couldn't kiss her in a shower while he was naked and she was clothed and they were both soaked. He turned his face away and did not miss the flicker of disappointment in her eyes.
"You-are the most amazing woman I know, Lily. I don't deserve you."
"I get to choose, James. It's my choice whether or not you're good enough for me. You are."
He wanted to tell her the truth-that he loved her but he wasn't really sure of anything. He wanted to…
"Oh! James…" she said warningly.
He shook his head and continued to kiss her neck, eliciting small groan from her.
"I take it I've made you see reason, then," she said breathily, tangling her hands in his hair. She pressed her hips down and James gasped, straightening his back and breathing hard.
"Don't!"
Lily looked at his shrewdly. "Why ever not?" She grinded her pelvis down again and James shut his eyes, dropping his head back against the wall and letting the water slide down his face. Lily's hands went to the clasps of her robes and she began to slide them off her shoulders.
"Li-ily…" he hissed. "You have to stop. Right now. Do you hear me? This isn't going to happen like this. We aren't going to sleep together right now."
She let the robes fall to the floor and put her hands on his shoulders, staring earnestly into his eyes. "Do you mean that? Because I could…change your mind."
He was pleased to see her turn bright red.
"Lily-you have no idea how much I want…just not here. Not now."
Lily put a hand to his cheek and touched her forehead to his. "I want to be with you, James."
He grabbed her wrist and put his other hand to her waist, forcing her to stand. "I'm going to get dressed. Wait for me in the commons?"
Lily nodded, a furrow in her brow, and picked up her robes, leaving the shower. She didn't look back once.
Was she that sure he would follow, or was she just trying to prove a point?
James turned off the water and stood in the cooling air, trying to regain his composure. He thought of the most disgusting thing he could (Snape-naked-covered in chocolate and in the bath with Avery) and breathed a sigh of relief as he relaxed.
He dried and dressed slowly, aware of Lily humming off-key in the common room. He opened the door and she looked up quickly, biting her lip and flushing. "Shall we go then?"
She had dried off, most probably using a spell, but her hair was still slightly wet. James's wanted to brush some strands away from her face, but he wasn't very sure he should touch her.
"You're going to comfort Maria," Lily said finally, staring straight ahead, walking at a brisk pace down the hallway.
"Yes."
"I can't just not be jealous. It doesn't work like that, James."
"I know."
"And Sirius can't…what happened between them?" Lily asked.
James sighed. "He shagged her. Yesterday morning. After you found me on the landing, I imagine."
Lily gave a short laugh. "I don't blame him. It's been a long time since he's shagged anyone. Months. Unless he cheated on me."
"He didn't."
"Well, good. I think he and Maria would be perfect for each other."
James nodded. "I agree…but in the meantime, she's going to need someone."
Lily stopped before the portrait of the Fat Lady, which was empty. "If…if that ever happens to me…I mean to say…oh damn it." She ran her hands through her long hair. "If my parents ever…if they're ever…you know…"
"I know," James said, wondering where exactly this was going.
"I want you to be there." She stepped closer to him. "I don't care if we've broke up or if I've slapped you twenty times or if we're fighting. I just want you to be there to help me."
James looked down at her. "I promise."
"Good," she whispered. "Galloping gargoyles."
The Fat Lady had returned. The portrait hole began to open, but James caught Lily's wrist and pulled her back.
"Wait-there's one thing…"
He leaned closer to her, keeping his eyes on hers. She was staring him, her eyes wide, her lips slightly parted. Her tongue darted out to wet them and James's gaze flickered downwards.
"If you're going to kiss me…" she began in a whisper.
"Of course I am…I seal everything with a kiss."
"Hopefully not those Marauder pacts," Lily breathed against his lips.
"I don't swing that way, love," he muttered, almost tasting her lip gloss and wanting to kiss her so bad it hurt.
"Potter! Evans! Public displays of affection are not appreciated. Five points from Gryffindor."
James pulled away from Lily, his lips a millimeter from hers, and stifled a groan. McGonagall stood by the portrait hole, her eyebrows raised and her lips drawn into the thinnest line possible.
"Top o' th' mornin' t' ya," James said cheerfully, while inside he was ready to force McGonagall into her Animagus form and lock her in a room with a dog for interrupting him and Lily.
"It's evening, Potter."
"It's the thought that counts, Minnie."
McGonagall's lips thinned even more until there was only a line where her mouth should have been. Her eyebrows drew together in distaste.
"Erm…ignore him. He's had more sugar than is necessary," Lily cut in, stepping in front of James, who flicked her on the shoulder.
"The best kind of sugar, too," he said suggestively.
Lily swallowed hard and rolled her eyes, laughing nervously. "We'll just be going inside," she said, stepping hard on James's foot.
"Not so fast, Evans. I came here specifically to talk to you."
Lily's eyes widened. "Me? What have I done? I swear, it was probably really James or Sirius or Peter or someone-"
McGonagall gave an impatient snort. "Quidditch, Evans. You are the captain, are you not?"
The sarcasm in her voice could have cut a diamond, but James thought he saw amusement in her eyes.
"Erm…yes," Lily said, sounding slightly hurt.
"Since you've won your last two games…"
Lily listened attentively, nodding every so often, while James turned away. He regretted giving up his captaincy, but he knew he would not have been able to handle it. Lily was much more focused. It would be easier for her to juggle her Head Girl duties, her schoolwork, and the sport than it would be for James.
He took a deep breath. Had he and Lily just…were they together now? Or would this just end catastrophically?
And when would he get a chance to finally kiss her?
"Good then. Figure it out. I expect to see the team practicing after classes every day." McGonagall fixed James with her beady eyes. "Whatever you're planning Potter, know that I'll be one step ahead of you."
With that, McGonagall stalked off, and James glared at her back.
"If she didn't love me so much, she might just expel me," he muttered, following Lily into the common room.
**
February 3, 1978
James had tried to ignore it as much as possible, but his torn relationship with Remus was beginning to bother him. He ached physically when he was fighting with his normally passive friend, and even Lily couldn't help with the pain.
He sat with her in the Gryffindor common room, on the floor and in front of the fire, helping her with the new Defense material. He wasn't much help though, because he was distracted with his thoughts about Remus and his thoughts about Sirius.
And her hair glittering in the firelight. That was pretty distracting too.
No one knew they were dating yet (Lily had promptly informed him they officially were yesterday). They hadn't told anyone, but James got the impression that Sirius had guessed. He had come back from the Hospital wing subdued and pensive, had hadn't told anyone what Maria had said. Maria was due back to the common room that evening though, and James was anxious to see what would happen.
"And then you flick-but I thought it said only three flicks-oh, damn, I was supposed to swish before!"
James snapped back to the present as Lily threw down her quill. "Forget it. I'll never get it."
James shrugged. "You know you will in the end." He lay down with his near the fire.
Lily sighed. "I know. I'd rather get it now, though. How come you're so good at all your classes?"
James grinned. "Pure talent."
Lily smacked him in the shoulder and lay her head down on his belly, crossing her hands on her own. "Talent, my arse. You've got the professors eating out of the palm of your hand." James began to stroke her hair, and soon it was as unruly as his own.
"It took talent for that to happen, Lily Evans, and don't you forget it."
Lily sighed again. "Fine. As long as you remember that I'm still superior."
James arched an eyebrow even though she couldn't see. "Is that right, Lily? How are you my superior?"
"First of all, I'm a woman. Second, I will always be revered as the girl who threw her Advanced Charms text at James Potter when he was being a prick, successfully shutting him up for the first time in six years. Thirdly-"
"I get it, Lily," James said dryly. "Now, be a darling and-"
The portrait hole swung open and raised voices were heard. People were returning from dinner.
However, the noise was coming from two people fighting, not a large crowd of people. Remus and Sirius walked into the room, so engrossed in their fight they didn't even notice James and Lily.
"Well, I'm sure he's sorry! And if you'd tell me what he said-"
"I don't have to! He's being an arse-"
Remus cut himself off. Lily and James had been noticed.
Sirius smirked. "James…Lily…together on the floor…Moony, pal, would you just look at that hair. Makes you wonder what they've been up to. Tsk tsk tsk. You could've been caught."
"Oh, shut up, Sirius. Weren't you talking to Remus about me? Continue…pretend I don't exist."
The smirk melted off Sirius's faces. "Come on, mates. Don't you think-"
"James doesn't think very much-"
"It's been over a month, Remus!" James cried furiously. "Let it go!"
"Is that all you can say? Bloody hell James, you're such a fucking prat sometimes! Why don't you grow up and stop being such an immature little berk? Why the hell do you think it's taken you this long to get with Lily?"
"Leave Lily out of this!" James bellowed, struggling to stand. He pulled himself up and stood on half-asleep legs, glaring at Remus.
"But of course, in the end, James bloody Potter gets the girl. He gets what he wants. Are you still shagging Maria, as well? Because you've got her wrapped around your little finger. Then again, you were never capable of being more than a man-whore who's too petty to let go of little grudges against people and enjoys controlling everyone around him!"
James felt the blood leave his face. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, let alone one of his best friends. He couldn't breath, his chest was so tight, and he felt rather than saw Remus stalk up to the boys' dormitories.
"James-mate, are you all right?"
James shook his head and fell into an armchair.
"Could you give me a moment, Lily?" Sirius asked firmly. Lily stood on shaky legs and left the room immediately, looking back at James over her shoulder as she did.
"What did you say to him?" Sirius asked, standing in front of James's chair.
"I said-I told him…that he wasn't half the brother-the friend-you were, that he was pathetic. I said-the most unforgivable things. I told him we only transformed because we felt sorry for him-"
"You what?"
"I know! It was stupid. But…it's been a month. And-there's something wrong with me. I can feel the ache of not being on good terms with him."
"Well-you're empathic. And you just started using your gifts. You're more open, and it's near the full moon."
James nodded slowly. "Still…"
Sirius frowned. "I can top you."
"What?"
"My secret is better than your secret."
James fought the urge to roll his eyes. "All right. I suppose you're going to share with me."
Sirius's frown deepened. "I told…Maria."
"Told her what?"
"About Remus."
James's mouth fell open. "You didn't!" he whispered accusingly.
Sirius sighed. "I did."
James shook his head. "Sirius…you just always do something wrong by Remus. Telling Snape…and then telling Maria of all people. When did you…why did you…?"
"It just…slipped out…in the heat of the moment. I was just too caught up and I wasn't thinking-"
"You never think."
"Well I'm sorry. It's not as if she's got anyone to tell!"
"She can't be…" Trusted…
But she could be trusted. That was the problem…Maria wasn't a bad person; she was just a little ruthless when it came to men. She wouldn't tell anyone about Remus.
Would she?
"Can't be what?"
James sighed. "Nothing. Forget it. But tell Remus you told her."
Sirius sighed, his longer than James. "All right. But you get to patch me up after he kills me."
James grinned and clapped his friend on the back. "Of course, mate."
"You can come out now, Lily!" Sirius yelled towards the shadowy girls' staircase. Lily popped her head out and grinned sheepishly at the pair of them. Sirius chuckled softly. "You didn't hear any of that."
"Aye aye, captain," she muttered, walking slowly into the common room. An awkward silence fell between the three of them and Sirius looked from James, to Lily, back to James again. James coughed into his fist.
Sirius rolled his dark eyes and went up to the boys' dormitories.
Lily smiled at James and stopped in front of his armchair, lowering herself carefully onto his lap. He snaked his arms around her waist and dropped his head down to her shoulder. She raked her hands through his hair continuously and he sighed into her robes.
"You'll patch things up," she said soothingly. "You always do…and the full moon is coming up. You are going down with him, aren't you?"
James nodded, shook his head, nodded again, and then shrugged. Lily was silent.
"How…how do you stay with him, James?"
James stiffened. Lily hands stilled and the silence weighed down between them. After what seemed like years (it was really a minute or so), Lily let out a little sigh.
"All right then." She began to run her fingers through his hair again, but her fingers were urgent now, needing to fill the silence with movement if not with words. He couldn't relax-not now. Had he really not told her yet? Could he tell her? She wouldn't approve, right?
"Lily…I…Lily…"
He felt her shake her head. "Never mind."
At least that saved him the worry of having to tell her.
"I'm tired," he said after a moment.
"So come to bed."
Again, James stiffened. He wanted to look at her face, but he also didn't want to lift his head lest she see his flushed cheeks. He could feel that heat radiating from her skin and could feel her fingers racing through his hair, so desperate to have something to do.
The innocent way she had said it sent a jolt straight through him: Come to bed.
"I…"
So come to bed.
"I meant…I was going to sleep in one of the bedrooms in the Heads' room because of Clara and her parents and all…and I know there's another bedroom…and I mean we could go to bed together-not together! In the same place-I mean…the same tower!" She laughed nervously and James felt a shiver of mirth race through him.
Why were they being so shy?
He had never felt so embarrassed in front of a girl…it was somewhat refreshing.
"Lily," he said quietly. "Shut up."
"Okay then. Was I babbling? I do tend to do that. God, I'm being such a little girl around you!"
James laughed into her shoulder again and he lifted his head. Her face was only centimeters away from his and he couldn't help but stare at her lips. Perhaps…finally.
He leaned in close and sought out her gaze, studying it for any sign of regret. How the hell had this happened? How could she care for him after all the hate she had proclaimed?
Her eyes fluttered shut and he almost touched his lips to hers, not moving, just feeling the small electric jolt that flowed between them.
The portrait hole opened and James pulled back, cursing inwardly. He looked to the entrance and saw Maria standing there, still pale but looking well rested and much better.
"Oh…I'm sorry…I'll just leave then." She began to cross the room, studiously ignoring James's eyes. Lily jumped up from James's lap and looked between the two.
"I think…you two should talk."
James's gaze snapped to Lily and Maria froze.
"I don't think we have anything to talk about," Maria said shrilly.
Lily raised an eyebrow, looking at her shrewdly. "Really?"
"Erm…yes. I mean…there isn't anything to talk about."
James had never seen Maria like this…never so awkward. She was a very confident person, but the way she was looking between James and Lily reminded him of someone…someone who was frightened, perhaps?
What did Maria have to be frightened about?
"I think you should-"
"Sirius is coming," James said softly. Maria's eyes snapped to his and she all but ran up the girls' stairs.
"James? Lily? Are you still down here?" Sirius came into view.
Lily let out a deep breath and glared at James, but there wasn't any real anger behind her gaze. "Yes. We're still here."
"Oh. Why?"
"Because James is being a prat. He can't keep his mouth shut." Lily sniffed and walked off, ignoring James's disappointed look.
There goes that kiss.
**