I own nothing.
**
Chapter 26: Pretending
"You can pretend to be as okay as you want, but the fact remains that you're hurt, and nothing can change that. Until you take it upon yourself to stop the hurt, you'll keep on hurting, and that's all there is to it."
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September 22, 1978
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Lily set down a platter of steaming roast on the table and slapped Sirius's hand when he reached for it with a fork.
"Wait for Remus," she said. "He cooked half of it-so he gets first taste."
Sirius grumbled but sat back, looking quite pleased. "Actually, Lily, you get first taste, since it's your dinner."
Lily laughed. "Still. Wait for Remus."
Remus himself came into the room at that moment and sniffed the air appreciatively. "Ah…see, this is why I wanted you to come live with us, Lily," he said. "Because you can cook."
Lily shrugged and sat down after he did. "Well-you helped."
Remus served the roast and poured the water (they were all abstaining for Lily's sake) into the glasses. "A toast," he suggested, holding up his glass. "To Lily."
They clinked their glasses together and sipped, then began eating their dinner.
"So-you start work tomorrow, right?"
Lily nodded at Sirius, handing him a napkin and wincing. She had never really noticed his table manners at Hogwarts. "Until January."
Remus swallowed and looked at her. "What happens in January?"
"I'm going to fill in for Flitwick until July. With help, of course. But-he's going on a sabbatical. Something about studying this new charm. I dunno-but I'm his substitute."
"So you're going back to Hogwarts for a couple of months," Remus said mildly. "Are you going to be teaching students a year younger than you?"
"I did really going on my Charms N.E.W.T-" Lily began defensively, but then she realized what he was asking. "I'll tell you how she's doing-"
Remus set down his fork, finished, and gave a little forced laugh. "Oh, no, Lily. You don't have to. I'm sure if she really wants she can owl me herself or something."
Lily flinched, and she realized that James's hadn't written to her either. She shook the thought away and looked at Sirius, who was regarding Remus warily.
"It's not like…I mean…she had an entire summer to talk to me, and she didn't. She didn't visit me or anything-didn't talk to me about what it was like living with her aunt instead of her parents-didn't ask for my help with anything-so if Maria really doesn't care, then I don't either. I was going to break up with her anyways-"
Sirius made an angry noise and Lily held a hand out to stop him, seeing that Remus was on a roll.
"-because it's not going to bloody work, what with me being a werewolf and all-you know I almost hurt her when we--?" He cut himself off and flushed.
"I thought you didn't shag," Sirius said incredulously. "You told me you didn't!"
"Well-it was on the train back," said Remus. "And it was only once-and I bruised her-really, I did-"
"Maybe she doesn't care about that but she thinks you want to forget about it-and you know she bruises easy just like me-I mean…on the train…" Lily said helplessly. She had hoped to take her mind off James, but talking about Remus losing Maria only made her think more about James-
STOP.
"I realize it wasn't the best idea," Remus said, rather acidly.
"Well of course it wasn't," snapped Sirius. "I mean-"
"She cried," Remus added, even more quietly. "I think…I think I really hurt her."
"Maybe…perhaps she cried because she really liked it," Lily said unsurely. "I mean…she really cares for you, Remus…and if it was really good…" Lily trailed off, flushing and wondering how many times she could say 'really' in a sentence. Remus was pink in the face too, but Sirius looked very unabashed.
"So let me get this straight-you just…shagged her. Grabbed her and fucked her brains out?"
Remus and Lily flinched at the crudeness.
"Well…no. We got in a fight about the summer. She wanted to visit me on the day of the full moon and I told her no because…well, because you know how I get on those days, Sirius, and I didn't want her near me then. But I couldn't tell her that. I just told her no and we got into this colossal fight-and then I sort of…well, I kissed her. And it just went on from there."
Sirius sighed. "You miss her, don't you? I mean-you're hurting, right?"
Lily's breath caught and she looked at her hands. Neither Sirius nor Remus noticed.
"So if you're hurting, why don't you just owl her?"
"I tried," Remus said, his voice cracked. "I didn't get an answer."
Lily had tried to owl James the day after she left her father's house. She hadn't gotten an answer back either.
"I'll be fine," Remus said quietly. "So can we please just drop it?"
Lily heard Sirius sigh, and she couldn't prevent the very soft, very gentle sob that escaped her mouth.
Sirius was at her side in an instant, and Remus soon followed. Remus handed her a tissue and she wiped her eyes violently.
"I…really, really miss him. Sometimes I just can't stand it-" She stopped talking as another onslaught of tears assailed her.
"I know," Sirius said, softly, drawing her up out of her chair. "Come on. You need to get to bed."
She walked down the small corridor in between them and went into her bare bedroom. All that was in there so far was the bed, the lamp, and a desk with a matching chair.
They sat her down on the bed, which was mercifully soft. Sirius drew back the covers and helped her in after Remus removed her shoes and socks. They tucked her in and she curled up into a ball, one hand over her belly and the other wrapped around Sirius's wrist. Remus rubbed her back as she hiccoughed with sobs.
"I'm s-s-sorry," she gasped. "But I don't think I can d-do this without h-h-him."
"Go to sleep, Lily," Remus said softly. "Come on…go to sleep. We'll be here when you wake up. We'll help you…"
Lily finally wore herself out with tears and fell asleep, and Remus and Sirius looked at each other helplessly. "Now what?"
Sirius bit his lip. "Let's finish her room. When she wakes up it won't be as terrible."
Remus made a face. "That's all you can think of?"
Sirius made a face back and drew out his wand. "Accio Lily's Boxes!"
The many boxes they had packed from her very cluttered apartment landed with muffled thumps in the room. Sirius began opening them and levitating them around the room. He un-shrunk the dresser they had bought and began hanging her clothes in the closet. Remus helped him after a moment, and soon all the boxes were empty and piles of stuff lay on the floor because they didn't know what to do with it.
Eventually, Remus sat down on the un-shrunk couch and Sirius sat on the floor, and they fell asleep amongst Lily's belongings, keeping her company late into the night and early into the morning.
--
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September 30, 1978
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Sirius knocked on the door of a respectable looking house at seven a few mornings later and stepped back, slightly behind Remus. They waited for a full five minutes and Sirius was about to knock again when the door flew open.
The man Sirius assumed was Mr. Evans stood there, his hair disheveled and his face not shaven, but distinguished all the same with immaculate clothing and a newspaper in his hand.
"Can I help you?" he asked, in well modulated tones.
"Yes," Remus said smoothly, cutting in before Sirius could say anything rash. "We're friends of your daughter."
Mr. Evans's hand tightened on the paper he was holding in his hand. "Lily?" he asked, ashen-faced. "Or Petunia?"
"Lily," Sirius said irritably.
Mr. Evans opened the door wider. "Come in, come in."
They stepped into the foyer and Mr. Evans shut the door, leading them into what Sirius assumed was the kitchen. They sat down at a worn oak table and mr. Evans stood near the windows, his back to them.
"Is she alright?"
"She's fine," Remus said quickly.
"And…and the baby? Has she seen a doctor? Or whatever you have-Healers, is it?"
"I don't know, sir," Remus answered quietly.
"And…James. How is James?"
Remus exchanged a quick, desperate look with Sirius.
"James is in Italy," Sirius finally said.
"So-James just left?" Mr. Evans said, his voice bitter.
"He didn't know-" Remus said, looking rather angry.
"And where is Lily, hmm?" Mr. Evans asked, whirling around to face them. "Does she have money? Does she-is she safe, with a good place to live? Does she have someone to help her with the baby-"
"She's living with us," Sirius said loudly, interrupting Mr. Evans. "And-she's got money. She's found some temporary work. And…we'll help her. We'll take care of her."
"Did she tell you why she left me?" Mr. Evans asked. "Because I don't know and she was just gone when I-"
"She thought you kicked her out," Sirius said furiously. This man may have lost his wife-but Lily was pregnant and he had made her leave. Such a fury was rising inside Sirius-something he had never felt before, having the family he did. It was protectiveness. Lily was like-his sister, and he was damned if she was going to suffer more than she had.
"I didn't," Mr. Evans said. "I never would. I want her to come back-"
"She won't," Remus said. "She won't come back here, she said. But-you know the Leaky Cauldron?"
Mr. Evans nodded.
"Go there. Sometime soon. Anytime up until eleven at night. She'll be there. You can talk to her then." Remus stood, looking very much like he wanted to run away.
They began to leave, but Sirius paused at the door and said, "Please…she really needs to speak with you. I mean-she really needs to..."
Mr. Evans nodded, and then they shut the door, and it was over.
--
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October 10, 1978
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Lily set down a drink in front of Samuel and wiped some hair away from her sweaty forehead. "There you go, Sam," she said. "Drink up."
Sam raised his drink to her and downed it, and a cheer went up around them as he swallowed hard and tried not to spit out the vile concoction. Lily set down a glass of water for him but he shook his head. "Oh no, dearie. Gimme more."
"Oh ho," Lily said. "What's that again? Not on your life, Samuel Higgins!"
Sam made a face and she grinned, walking down the bar to take another patron's order. When the door opened, letting in some cool air, she sighed in relief. The air in the pub was stifling-heavy and hot.
She served up another round of drinks to a group of Ministry employees celebrating a promotion and fanned herself, tying her apron tighter to hide her belly. She was beginning to show. She went back behind the bar and gave Sam another drink, keeping an eye on the old man to make sure he didn't pass out. His mates would take him home, but she had a fondness for the man, and she like to make sure he was okay.
She looked up when the door opened only a foot away from her and gasped, dropping the mug of butterbeer she had been about to serve the adorable little boy with his mother at the table next to her. It splattered with a crash and Tom looked over from behind the bar, frowning.
"Lily…" Remus said, coming up from her right side. "We're sorry-but we went and talked to him and told him to come in-"
Lily didn't hear a word he said. Her father stepped up and took her arm, helping her to sit at a table, and she stared at him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sirius get up and talk to Tom, then begin serving drinks in her stead.
"Lily."
"Dad."
There was an uncomfortable silence and then Lily spoke. "What are you doing here?"
"Your…your friends came to see me. They told me-do you think I kicked you out?"
Lily looked down.
"Lily-I wouldn't ever-I didn't! I was just very…shocked, to say the least. And then I thought, 'Oh, I'm late. I better go.' It wasn't until I got out to the restaurant that I realized what I'd done, and then I thought I could talk to you when I got back. I just-didn't think!"
"Dad, you've always told me to do something important! And you were so disappointed-and I just figured I could go and make something of myself all the same. And I'd make you proud of my anyways-"
Lily's father's hands clenched. "You didn't leave a note or-or anything Lily. I had no way to contact you. No way to see if you were okay. It was like-it was like you disappeared-come back, please?"
Lily squeezed her eyes shut. "Daddy-I'm happy."
Richard looked around. "You're happy working…here? And-"
"Daddy, you're not listening," Lily said tearfully. "Please just really listen to me."
Her father fell quiet and looked at her expectantly.
"All my life, I've been your little girl. I've been…the baby. And I know it's hard for you to accept, but I'm going to turn eighteen in a few months-and I'm an adult in the Wizarding World…and it's coming out all wrong but what I'm trying to say is that…this is where I belong, Daddy." Lily took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, watching her father's lined face.
"I love you so much and you're my dad," Lily said, feeling quite stupid for stating the obvious. "But-I'm truly growing up-and while it might not seem like much to you, I kind of like living like this. I like…living with Remus and Sirius and working here until I go to Hogwarts to teach. It does make me happy. And I'm safe. I couldn't be any safer with anyone besides Sirius and Remus-and they're James's best friends, you know…and James is gone…so they're really the best link I have to him…"
Lily's father had sat quiet during her little speech, staring off into space. Now he sprang to attention and smiled at her wanly. "I think I knew you'd say that. I understand, Lily. But you can visit me, right? And I'll come see you sometimes."
Lily grinned, relieved, and stood as her father did. He hugged her tightly and she kissed him on the cheek. He released her with a whispered order to take care of herself and left the pub. Lily wiped her eyes, damning her hormones, and turned back to the patrons of the pub, many of whom were staring at her.
"Who wants a drink?" she asked, half laughing and half crying.
--
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October 31, 1978
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James was reading the Evening Prophet at seven o'clock on Halloween night when he promptly gave a yell and pulled the paper closer, reading frantically.
It fell from his fingers and fluttered to the ground as he banged out of the room, racing down the steps to the main floor and bracing himself against the reception desk.
"I-need-to-check-out-" he wheezed, breathing hard after descending three extremely long flights of stairs.
"Where to, Mr. Potter?" asked Eva, the receptionist, who was painting her nails an ugly shade of pink.
James stared-she had never before asked where he was going. "I'll be back tomorrow evening."
"I'm afraid that's not possible," Eva said calmly.
"WHY NOT?" James roared.
Eva looked quite annoyed. "Because I've been told not to let you out."
"You've been-not to-I need TO LEAVE!"
"And I can't let you!" Eva snapped, her patience worn thin. "I suggest you work out some of that anger in the practice rooms. Or perhaps you can go to the Training Palazzo and help out there."
"I thought I wasn't allowed to leave," James bit out.
"The route to the Training Palazzo is secure and you can't go anywhere but there. My instructions were explicit. Stop arguing with me, Mr. Potter."
"Who told you? Huh? Who ordered you not to let me leave? I've stayed out all night before and you let me leave with everyone else. Do I need somebody to go with me or something?"
"I'm afraid you're not allowed to leave for anything but a mission until well past December," Eva said, going back to her nails.
"I'd like to see you stop me," James hissed, turning and heading for the door.
As soon as he touched the large, golden handle that led to the back streets of Rome, a large wall of blue fire exploded across the doors and James's jumped back. The fire instantly faded and he reached for it again. He tried twice more, but each time the wall of blue fire prevented him from leaving.
The third time, the fire sucked him in.
--
The only sound in their small flat was the sound of Lily weeping in her bedroom. Sirius and Remus sat in the kitchen, ready to go in to her at a moment's notice.
"Someone needs to get James," Sirius whispered, feeling sick. "She's going to lose that baby if he doesn't come for her."
"I sent a letter right after she got the news. But if he gets the Evening Prophet he'll know. It's in there. Front page center and I'm positive because I saw it. 'Richard Evans Murdered in Wizarding Pub.'"
"Maybe…maybe we should go there," Sirius suggested. Remus goggled at him and he made his point clearer. "I mean…take her with us and go find him. He's got to see her or she's going to die from the bloody grief-"
Remus slammed his hand down on the table. Lily's weeping was continuous, straining through the walls and reaching
their ears as a broken, pitiful sound. They would have put up Silencing Charms, but it seemed like they were cheating
Lily, somehow, by not listening to her cry away her grief.
"I really thought she was going to miss out on this-I mean-can you believe I was almost relieved when her mother died from having that baby and not from an attack, like Maria's parents? And now it was all for nothing-because her dad was…murdered…" Remus ran a hand over his face and blinked; he was exhausted.
"We need to find James," Sirius repeated.
Remus sighed. "I know."
Sirius stood. "Come on. We're sending her to Italy. She's got to deal with this herself. She's got to learn to cope because this isn't the end. I've got a feeling worse things are going to happen."
Remus sat in the kitchen, dumbfounded, and soon saw Lily enter the room, leaning heavily against Sirius. Her eyes were frightfully red and she had tissues balled up in her hand, but she was wearing her cloak, so Remus assumed Sirius had convinced her that she had to go to Italy.
To find James.
Why hadn't they thought of it earlier?
--
Lily slammed into the ground with a gasp and let go of the portkey, then frantically searched the ground to pick up the knut.
She looked around; she was in a dark alleyway and she walked unsteadily towards the dim light of the streetlights, glancing at her watch, which magically adjusted in time zones. It was almost half past seven, here in Rome.
Sirius had apparently been busy, because he had thrust a sheaf of research into her hands from various books that pinpointed the headquarters of L'Ordine di Luce somewhere in heart of Rome. Now all Lily had to do was find the place.
She jumped and let out a shriek when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She drew her wand and pointed it at the man, who was her height, though rather heavyset. He held up his hands. "Calma! Calma!" he said quickly.
Lily, who knew a little Italian because of her father's job-DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM!-put her wand down but kept a good grip on it. "Ch-chi sono voi?" she asked, wincing at her grating accent.
"Siete Lily Evans?"
She looked at him blankly.
"Siete Lily Evans?" he asked, enunciating clearly. Understanding dawned.
"Yes-Si. Sono Lily Evans."
"Siete che cercate James Potter?"
"Si. Si!"
"So dove è ed ora li prenderò lui, se desiderate!" The man looked very excited as he said this, but Lily floundered. Her feeble Italian had run out. There were language charms that she knew, but she was much too distraught to remember them.
"Er…parlate inglese?"
"Yes, yes!" he exclaimed, in heavily accented English. "I speak English. You want James Potter?"
Lily nodded eagerly.
"I know where he is. I will take you to him now, if you want."
Lily nodded once more and followed the man through the twisting streets of Rome.
If Lily had been less tired, and less awash with grief-if she had been paying attention to her instincts, listening to what her mind was telling her-if she had been thinking, she wouldn't have made the mistake of following an unknown man in an unknown city where she was unknowingly the most wanted woman alive, simply because she had the power to make James Potter leave.
She wouldn't have been so shocked when the man Stunned her, and she wouldn't have been so furious with herself for being stupid when she woke up in a dungeon, much like the one she had spent hours in with James, one night, so very, very, very long ago. It had really been about a year ago, but it felt like a lifetime.
And so Lily was alone, with the steady drip of something liquid in the corner, and completely unaware that James was in the large chamber adjacent to her cell, facing something she would never have thought possible.
--
James woke some time later and groaned, rolling on his side and heaving dryly. He got up on all fours and gasped, trying to breathe. He felt scorched-
"James Potter. You've certainly given me a bit of trouble."
James did a roll and went straight to his feet, reaching for his wand. It was not in the special case he had for it and he looked around helpless, looking at the shadows, where the voice had come from.
"Who are you?" he asked shakily.
There was a movement in the dark. "Trivial. I heard you tried to leave. You bound yourself to us, you know."
"Yeah, but I'll bet you planned that too. I'll bet you sent that stupid letter to me just when you knew I'd accept-"
"Well, of course," said the voice amusedly. It was decidedly male, very warm, and almost comforting. Of course, very little was comforting to James anymore.
"You were asked here because you were supposed to perform a task that would stop the Dark Lord from gaining leverage in the magical world."
"WELL I DON'T BLOODY CARE RIGHT NOW!" James bellowed, glaring into the shadows.
"And what, pray tell, do you care about, my boy?"
"I care about-about life and goodness and Lily Evans-whose dad just died-"
"Didn't you come here to fight evil? Haven't you learned enough in those three months to know that if you leave, you'll never fully use the skills you've gained?"
James paused. It sounded as if he was going to be let go-but what did they want of him first?
"I still don't really care," James said acidly. "And if you're going to keep me here you might as well show me who you are-you coward-you sniveling bit of snot-"
James threw his arm over his eyes and let out an oath as the shadows unfurled and morphed into a brilliant light that stung his eyes. He felt the light dim; he opened his eyes and blinked away the multi-colored spots.
"The Order of Light," James said, contemptuously. "Are you it, then? The rumor is that there's a life force for the light-are you that?"
The Light, which had the distinct yet unidentifiable shape of an old man, seemed to shake its head.
"No. These are merely cloaking spells to shield me from view-I only run this organization-"
"Are you Voldemort's counterpart, then?" asked James, having heard another rumor that in the catacombs there was a force that could battle the swiftly rising Dark Lord.
Hesitation-it was clear to James. The Light was hesitating.
"No-it is not my destiny to destroy the Dark Lord-I am only here to help his defeat come to pass. An elemental, you could say. I am not human-I come from the very earth-"
Bullshit, James thought, not really caring, but he listened all the same.
"You have something vital, Mr. Potter. Something I want. And until you realize that and give it to me-you can't leave. Terribly sorry."
And the wall of fire appeared again, this time red, and sucked James in like a vacuum, depositing him in front of the main desk on the main floor of the Palazzo.
--
Lily shivered. She rolled over, moaning, and instinctively curled in around her belly. She had been dreaming-no, nightmaring…why wasn't nightmaring a word? It made sense. And it wasn't really nightmaring. It was…remembering.
Lily had not been at the pub when it had happened.
She had been in Diagon Alley and was hurrying to meet her father, with whom she had set up a meeting earlier that day. She remembered swearing about the man at Flourish and Blott's because he was such a slow clerk.
She really should have known before she got there, from the smell of burning and the shouts of people. But since she was very absent-minded these days, she knew nothing of the sort.
When she entered the pub her bag fell to the ground-because on the ground in front of her was a body-and it was her father's.
They told her the hooded figures had swept in and headed straight for Mr. Evans-asking where she was-and turning their wands on other people and asking. They had wanted to know where Lily Evans was, where James Potter's baby was.
They hadn't killed anyone but Mr. Evans.
She was shocked out of her musings when something cold and wet hit the back of neck. She moved slightly to the side and then held still. There was the sound of a swish of a cloak-the sound of something begin pulled from a sheath-a sword, perhaps? a wand?-and she forced her eyes open.
A woman stood before her, a rather plain woman who looked to be a little older than Lily herself. She had very pretty black hair that she had pulled back in a messy ponytail, and her eyes were dark and expressive. Her nose was slightly too large, her eyebrows a bit thick, and her mouth forgettable, but she carried herself with such a grace that all this could be overlooked. Her confidence was almost catching, but Lily was too depressed to care.
"Please…" she began, struggling to sit.
The confidence Lily was getting from the woman flickered-flickered? Am I using my magic?-
And so she was. Unconsciously, Lily was taking the woman's measure with her magic, which she had not used in nearly…four months.
The woman bit her lip, insecure, and raised her wand.
Lily stared at her, dumbfounded. Was this how she would die?
"Induce-"
The woman cleared her throat; her voice was shaky.
"Induce partus!" she said forcefully.
Lily was so lethargic she didn't even move. The beam of yellow light hit her in the stomach and she winced, feeling nothing. What sort of spell was-
The first contraction hit Lily with such a painful force she doubled over and cried out. Lily heard the woman run to her and drop to her knees, and she put out a hand to fend her off but the stranger just grabbed her fingers and squeezed.
"Oh-I'm so very sorry," she said, "but it's for the best…the best!"
Lily, five months pregnant, was having her baby.
--
"Calma! Calma!"-"Calm! Calm!"
"Ch-chi sono voi?"-"Wh-who are you?"
"Siete Lily Evans?"-"Are you Lily Evans?"
"Si. Sono Lily Evans."-"Yes. I am Lily Evans."
"Siete che cercate James Potter?"-"Are you looking for James Potter?"
"So dove è ed ora li prenderò lui, se desiderate!"-"I know where he is and I will take you to him now, if you want."
"…Parlate inglese?"-"Do you speak English?"