I own nothing.
**
Chapter 14: If
[If You're Not the One, by Daniel Beddingfield]
February 1, 1978
Lily stood on the deck of the Astronomy Tower waiting for Sirius, bundled up in her cloak and sporting bright yellow mittens which Sirius had teased her about mercilessly when they were together.
They weren't together anymore, though.
Lily sighed and leaned against one of the turrets. She didn't know exactly what to do with herself without Sirius. They'd been together a grand total of seven months, including the summer holidays. It was more than half a year
She had given up all that time-time she could have spent getting to know James better-with a boy who saw her as nothing more than a joke. A bet.
And she had told him so. She had screamed at Sirius so loudly out there on that platform she was sure half the school knew what had occurred. Sirius had screamed back just as loudly-and he had been right.
He was right about James-about everything. Sirius had half a right to be angry with her, but she had not let him realize that.
And James…
James.
She had never been so free to think about him. She was free.
A rush of joy infused her at that thought, but it was soon gone, and she felt…empty.
She would enjoy not having Sirius to tie her down. But she wanted more. She wanted…she wanted James. More than anything.
A sound startled her and she turned. It was only Sirius, picking his way carefully over the icy deck. He stopped in front of her and they studied each other.
He looked good-with his wind blown hair and his dark eyes shining. Sirius always looked good.
Lily just wished he had glasses-and hazel eyes-and a lankier build…messier hair. Not so shiny.
"Hello, Lily. Sleep well?"
"No," she said flatly. "What do you want?"
She had been shocked when he had asked her to meet him up here.
"I wanted to give you this." He held out a sheet of parchment and she took it. It was a dirty, ragged thing, creased in many places with grease spots on the corners. She wondered how many hours the Marauders had pored over it.
She opened it and scanned it quickly before letting her hand fall to her side.
"Are you going to do it, then? You've given the three galleons, I suppose?"
Sirius winced. She had yelled at him the most about that-that the bet was only for three galleons.
"I have to. It's a charm. If I don't…well, nothing pleasant will happen."
Lily wanted to ask what, but decided against it.
"Fine then. Why are you giving it to me?"
Sirius grinned at her and her heart ached-had she gotten over him so quickly? Her heart didn't even skip a beat as his dimples showed. There was a time she had fancied herself in love with him.
Perhaps, when she had gotten to know James, she had fallen out of love with Sirius.
"So you can burn it."
Lily looked at him in shock. "Burn…burn…the bet?"
Sirius nodded gravely. "That is…if you-if you want to burn it."
Lily looked down at the parchment. This little, yellowed, dirty, crumbling piece of rubbish had been the source of seven months of furtive glances, interrupted sentences, and pain. And Sirius was asking if she wanted to burn it.
"Give me your wand," she said, her voice dangerously thick. He handed it over immediately and she held the parchment up.
"Icendio!" she hissed. The parchment burst into flames and she let go of it slowly. It hung suspended in the air until it had burned to ash-and then the wind swept that dark gray ashes away.
Lily looked out over the grounds-at the rising sun hidden behind the tree line of the forest, throwing the world into shadow-and felt light. She felt airy. Anything was possible. Anything at all. She could be with James-if they made up. She could be with bloody Dean Rosier-and no one could stop her.
Sirius caught her wrist and pulled her into a tight hug. Lily stopped breathing for a moment, ready to slap him, but waited.
"I'm so sorry, Lily. You're amazing, you know that? You really are. And I hope-I hope you and James are happy together."
She pulled away and looked up at him, saw his dark eyes looking as sincere as ever, and she really, truly, believed him.
"Thank you," she whispered, kissing his cheek briefly and pulling away. He smiled sadly.
"But if you ever…if things don't work out, I'll be here. All right? I've really cared for you Lily. I could even-"
Don't say it.
He didn't. He just took a shaky breath and smiled. "So how does it go with James?"
"It doesn't," Lily said softly. "I don't think it will. Not for a while."
Sirius was quiet for a long time. "James…is a very proud person. He doesn't give in very easily. He's always been a little…"
"Full of himself?"
Sirius nodded. "Yes. But you changed that."
Lily shook her head. "Of course I didn't-"
"Oh yes you did. It doesn't matter whether you wanted to change him or not. He changed because of you. For you. And you know what? He likes the new him." Sirius's face darkened. "But there are some things about him I don't think you'll be able to change. No-no, listen to me."
Lily shut her mouth.
"When you sh-sleep with him-oh shut up, Lily, you know you will-don't expect him to stay with you. He won't spend the night. He's never spent the night. Not once-in all the times he's slept with Amy and Maria. He never even accidentally fell asleep."
"But they-"
"Lily…he isn't going to change so quickly. It would be nice if he did. If he spent the night with you the first time you slept together-but he won't. Don't push him, or he'll snap. Don't expect him to give up or give in. Don't expect him to let you go without a fight. Don't expect him to be perfect. Don't expect him to hold you after he shags you. And don't try to get him to open up about his parents-or Evelyn-or Emily, for Merlin's sake. He needs to prove to himself that he can resist you-that he can be as strong as you-and he'll try to get you back. He'll try to hurt you. Merlin knows-he'll probably pick up Maria to make you jealous. No-he won't know he wants to make you jealous, but subconsciously he'll try as hard as he can. You just have to…take it. To a certain extent. Don't let him bother you."
"But-"
"Look, Lily. I know you understand James. I know he listens to you. But-I've known him for longer. I've known the person he can really be for longer than you have. Just-don't press him, okay?"
Lily shook her head in wonder. "With speeches like that coming out of you off the top of your head…Sirius Black, someday you'll be Minister of Magic."
"And don't you forget it," Sirius said cheekily, chucking her under the chin and drawing her towards the tower. "Now let's go in. And how many times do I have to tell you to never wear those gloves again?"
Sirius continued to chatter on about pointless things, not seeming to care that Lily wasn't listening, and she was glad for it.
Because somewhere between that hug and his speech about James, she had forgiven him totally, and she couldn't for the life of her figure out how.
**
The common room was empty since it was so early in the morning. Well, empty but for Peter-but he didn't matter because he was asleep, and Lily knew he slept like the dead.
"So-Lily, are we all right?"
Lily smiled. "I think letting me burn that parchment did it," she said honestly.
Sirius smiled. "Good. Now I can tease you about James."
Lily felt her face grow hot. "Oh, shut up, Sirius. I'm going to sleep some more. There's no point watching the sunrise with you." She began to walk up the girls' staircase, and jumped when Sirius tapped her on the shoulder.
"Don't even think on it, Lily. I know how to get up these stairs."
She just stared at him, bewildered.
"You don't know what this smile can make girls do, Lily," Sirius said solemnly.
Lily wanted to burst out laughing but thought it might be too rude. She shook her head and continued up the stairs to her dorm room, not really caring that Sirius trailed after her.
Outside of the sixth year dormitory, though, she stopped and stared.
James sat outside the dorm, his eyes wide and his face pale, his legs akimbo and his posture slouched. He was-she realized with a quickening of her breath-shirtless. Sirius stopped behind her and let out a long, low whistle.
Had he been there all morning? Lily didn't know. Last night, she had slept in the Heads' room, in a bedroom she had found some weeks ago. She had thought of telling James that there was another, but hadn't bothered.
"James. Mate, are you okay?" Sirius's voice was low. James shrugged.
"More or less," he said croakily.
"Have you been here all night?" Sirius pressed, edging closer.
James gave a short laugh and ran his hands through his hair. "Not all night, no."
With a sickening jolt everything fell into place. Maria. Maria Danes was a sixth year. And James never stayed. He never stayed in bed.
So he sat outside girls' dormitories? How often had he sat outside Amy's?
"I'm-I'm not mad Sirius. I haven't gone nutters or anything. I just didn't want to go back to the dorm and I didn't want to walk to the Head's room without my shirt and I couldn't stay-oh. Hello, Lily."
She nodded to him.
"I need-I need a drink."
Lily kicked him lightly in the shin. "You're not going to drink."
"Oh shut up, Lily. I can drink whenever I bloody well want to-"
"No you can't. I won't let you."
They glared at each other for a long moment before James fell backward and hit his head on the floor as somebody opened the door to the room.
"What the hell is going on-oh, Merlin. Sorry, James."
Maria stared out at Lily, Sirius, and James, her hair mussed, her lips swollen, and her eyes shadowed underneath with dark smudges. Her gaze flickered between the three of them. "Oh," she repeated.
Even with her hair looking terrible, Maria still looked beautiful. Lily couldn't stop the jealousy that flared within her.
"Has shagging James dulled your senses?" Lily asked sharply.
Maria glanced at her calmly. "That was uncalled for. James, get the hell up and stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"Fuck you, Maria," James muttered, gripping his head and struggling into a sitting position.
Maria opened her mouth, no doubt to make a witty comment, but she shut it and shrugged. "All right then. Suit yourself. Sirius, take him back to the dorm-no. I forgot. He isn't staying there. Take him back to the Heads' rooms. Evans and I need to have a chat."
Lily raised her eyebrows, as did Sirius, and James made a muffled protest as Sirius hauled him to his feet.
"I'm still not talking to you," Sirius said suddenly to his friend, sounding furious with himself and letting go of James's hand. James swayed before he pressed a hand to the wall and the other to his head.
"Give it up, Sirius. Whatever the hell he did doesn't really matter anymore. I'd like to see you not talk to him for more than a month-no-shut your mouth, bad-boy. You just talked to him and you just forgave him. That's how it's always worked. Now go away so Evans and I can talk."
"Well who says I want to talk to you?"
"I'm not giving you a choice, Evans," Maria said, propelling her up to the seventh year dormitory. She was strong, for such a small girl. "No doubt my sister's off shagging some bloke. Even if she's in here she'll get out if I tell her to."
Clara was, indeed, not in the room. But Lily's curiosity was piqued. "Why would she do what you tell her to?"
Maria smiled wolfishly. "She hates Muggle-borns. My grandparents are both Muggle-born-on my mother's side, that is. My mother would kick her out of the house for her prejudices so fast…" Maria sighed in satisfaction before snapping back to attention. "Where were we?"
"We weren't anywhere," Lily said, taking off her thick winter clothes and putting them away in her bureau. She crossed her arms and leaned against one of the posts of her bed.
Maria waved her hand off-handedly and went over to her sister's dresser and began playing with her belongings. She brushed her hair into order.
"How can you be so-so carefree? You just slept with James-and he didn't even spend the night."
"He's never spent the night," Maria pointed out.
Lily laughed harshly. "And that's never hurt you, I suppose?"
Maria's hands stilled and she set the brush down, her rich brown hair spilling in luxurious waves down her back. She turned to Lily. "Of course it hurt," she said quietly. "I'm human." Her face went stoic again. "But I've gotten used to it. If you don't stay, you don't get hurt."
Lily couldn't fathom it. She just couldn't.
"I don't understand."
"No," Maria sighed. "I don't expect you would." She looked Lily up and down with her blue eyes. "You look like a virgin."
Lily bristled. "So?"
"So what? Good for you. Too bad I couldn't keep it."
"If you'd had any self-control-"
"No, Evans. It doesn't work like that for me." Maria sighed and leaned against the dresser. "I'm an Amoris."
Lily sucked in her breath through her teeth and let it out in a long, hissing breath. "Oh. I see."
"So I didn't really have a choice. Once it started-it just raged with in me. Desire all the time. And the only way to satisfy it…"
"Shagging."
Maria looked down and retied her dressing gown. "Yes."
Lily felt a little sick. "Does James…does he…"
Maria nodded. "He does," she said simply.
"And he still-he still went-"
"Oh, he just found out last night," Maria said breezily, "and by that time he was so furious he was already worked up it only took a little power for me to lure him in. He didn't know what hit him."
Lily's mouth dropped open. "You still-even after he got mad at you-you still enchanted him?"
Maria shrugged. "Well, why ever not? He's not going to know unless you tell him. You are going to tell him right?" She turned away and surveyed herself critically in the mirror, before taking Clara's tube of lip gloss and applying it carefully to her lips.
She looked like a bloody film star.
Lily narrowed her eyes. "I don't believe you."
Maria's eyes widened. "Why not?"
"Why the hell would you want me to tell James you enchanted him? It's not like it'll make him happy."
"Because sometimes, Evans, you have to give something up for the greater good. For their greater good."
Lily pondered Maria's statement. Maria had feelings for James, she was sure.
"An Amoris is extremely and instinctively gifted in bed, Evans. And until an Amoris falls in love, no one will be better than another Amoris-or someone who, like James, is just naturally good at sex. Someone who is very, very passionate. There are few people like that. And because of all my power, it'll be even harder for me to find someone passionate enough. You know, unless I fall in love. Which won't happen anytime soon." Maria used one of Clara's Evelyn's Everfresh Breath Cleansers and made a face at the strong taste.
Lily frowned.
"Look, Evans." Maria sighed. "I know you don't believe me. But I really could care less. James isn't going to need me anymore and my powers won't work on him if he finally lets himself fall in love with you."
Lily rolled her eyes. She knew he had changed, but the very idea of James falling in love with her was laughable. And the fact that it was laughable was saddening. She turned and walked over to the bathroom, ready to shut the door in Maria's face.
"He almost said your name."
Lily stopped.
"Even I can't make him forget you, Evans. He wanted to say your name so bad. But James never slips. It's against his nature. He never slips, and he never stays. Never. Remember that."
Lily turned her head slightly until she could see Maria.
The other girl tossed her head and smiled. "But fine. If you don't want to believe me, you don't have to. You can leave James alone if you aren't going to fix this now, because otherwise, he's mine."
Lily began to seethe. Her hands tightened on the doorjamb.
"And I can take him too," Maria hissed, before throwing her sister's brush onto her dresser and striding across the room to the door. "Oh, and Evans? Tell my darling sister Claire I said hello."
"Tell Clara yourself," Lily said through gritted teeth.
Maria laughed. "I don't talk to that filth," she said softly, before leaving the room and slamming the door behind her.
**
Lily didn't know what to do. She wanted to go to James, but going to James would mean giving in, and she had too much pride for that.
She wanted to strangle him for sleeping with Maria again. She wanted to kiss him for his being bothered by it.
Well, she wanted to kiss him anyway, so what did it matter?
She pulled on her robes and it took her almost fifteen minutes to realize they were on backwards. She tried to put her gloves on her feet and threw them across the room, bursting into tears of frustration. She hated herself for crying.
She hated herself for caring enough to cry.
When she was calm again, she put on her socks and slipped her feet into her shoes, grabbing her rucksack and heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast. She noticed that neither James nor Maria were there, and wondered whether Maria had gone to see James.
The thought made her appetite disappear, and she pushed away her plate. It was just then that Sirius walked into the Hall, his hair mussed and his robes wrinkled. Lily raised her eyebrows. His robes had been rather decently pressed that morning.
He sat down across from her and frowned. "Did you see James?"
Lily shook her head. "Did you?"
Something flashed in Sirius's eyes. Familiar guilt. "No…I didn't."
Lily smiled slightly. "Got distracted, did you?"
Sirius choked on his orange juice. "Wh-where did you get that idea?"
Lily smirked, but didn't have a chance to speak. James had just walked into the room, freshly showered and dressed in a crisp set of robes. He sat down a few seats from Sirius, who exchanged a glance with Lily and got up to move closer to him. Remus looked up curiously from the other end of the table, and Peter was staring nervously between the two from the opposite end of the table.
Maria walked into the room just as the owl post came in. A newspaper was delivered to Lily but she ignored it. An owl dropped one into Sirius's hands but he just let it fall to his side.
Whispers broke out through the room and everyone looked at the Gryffindor table. Sirius sat down next to James who looked up at him and frowned.
"Are we…okay?" said Sirius. Lily doubted anyone else could hear them.
"We're fine, Padfoot," James said firmly, meeting Lily's eyes across the table.
Sirius sighed in relief. "All right. I need to tell you something then. I just…" He leaned in closer and whispered something in James's ear.
James spit his juice across the table for the second time that school year. "P-p-pardon?" he spluttered. Clara shot him a withering glare and Scourgified her robes with her wand before moving down the table and returning to her cereal.
"You heard me. And-" He lowered his voice so Lily couldn't hear, but she could. "I let slip that-what the fuck?"
He said it so loudly that half the Hall looked at him. McGonagall promptly took fifteen points from Gryffindor but Sirius didn't seem to hear. He shoved the paper into James's hands and pointed to the bottom.
Lily unrolled her own paper and scanned the bottom. Her mouth dropped open and she looked down the table at Maria, who was absently stirring her food, ignoring the whispers around her and twirling a lock of her hair around her finger.
Clara, on the other hand, was staring at her paper with a blank expression on her face. She carefully set it to the side and began to butter a piece of toast.
Sirius and James stood up as one and walked down the table. James put his hand around Maria's arm and gently pulled her up. She looked between James and Sirius.
Lily stood up and walked closer.
"Contrary to popular belief, lovers, I don't do threesomes."
Sirius put his hand on her shoulder and handed her the paper. Maria's eyes widened as she read the big, bold words.
Lily knew what she was seeing.
PARENTS OF TWO HOGWARTS STUDENTS BRUTALLY MURDERED
DANES COUPLE KILLED UNDER THE DARK MARK
Maria pulled her wrist from James's hand and gripped his upper arm for support, swaying slightly.
"Maria-don't-" Sirius looked helplessly around the room.
She buried her face in Sirius's shoulder and took a deep, rasping breath. Her other hand gripped James's and she pulled him closer until she was standing pressed between both men.
Lily fought down jealousy and took a few more steps, realizing that Remus and Peter had come up behind her and were now next to her. The three of them stood away from the hugging trio, watching carefully.
James met Lily's eyes for the second time that morning and her breathing quickened. It was hard to stay mad at him when he looked like that.
Just then, Maria's knees gave, and it was Sirius-not James-who caught her and held her like a limp rag doll, one arm beneath her knees and the other underneath her neck. He looked gravely at James, who nodded to the door.
Sirius walked towards the doors, and then came such a sound from Maria that it didn't belong on Earth. It was a cross between a high, keening cry and a low moan. She buried her face against Sirius's shirt and put an arm over her eyes, her sobs echoing in the Hall even after they had exited and the doors had slammed shut with shocking finality.