I own nothing.
**
Chapter 21: Blocking
[The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, by Brand New]
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June 1, 1978
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The only sound in the room was the scratching of quills.
Lily bit the end of her quill and put the inked nib to the paper, scribbling out an answer to the last question on the theoretical Transfiguration N.E.W.T. She frowned, looking at her handwriting, and sighed. She looked around the room and caught sight of James, his messy hair standing out against everybody else's. He was sleeping; Lily wondered whether he had bothered to finish the test first.
"Time's up!" called the examiner from the front of the room. "Put down your quills-you right there! Put it down! You! Over there-wake up!"
James apparently didn't hear. He continued to sleep. Lily bit her lip and looked down, knowing that his lack of sleep was her fault. She didn't watch as the examiner woke James by shaking him roughly and scolded him.
"This is your future, young man! I should think you would actually pay more attention and finish your exam instead of dropping off-oh, dear. You've finished, have you?"
Lily felt a smile spread over her face but she forced it away.
"All right! You may all go. Come back in half an hour for you practical exam and don't be late or-"
Lily was the first out of the room and she didn't hear the rest of what the examiner said. She headed straight outside to the lake and stood in the bright sunshine, absorbing the heat. She was so cold lately-and then at times she was burning. She supposed that's what a baby did to you-
Wait.
Her practical transfiguration-oh, God!
She ran up to the castle and barreled through the hallways until she reached McGonagall's office. There was the sound of McGonagall's voice as she scolded someone and Lily looked at her watch, biting her lip. There were only fifteen minutes left until she had to go back for the test.
She knocked on the door and McGonagall's stream of words did not stop. The professor threw open the door.
"Hold on a moment. I'm dealing with extreme stupidity at the moment." McGonagall turned away. "Sleeping during a N.E.W.T! James Potter, you are the strangest student I have ever met-just because you stay up all night studying doesn't mean you fall asleep during the test!"
"I finished it!" James cried.
"Then you go back and check your answers! You do not go to sleep."
"I'm sorry, Professor McGonagall," James said with a sigh. "May I go now?"
"Yes. And if I catch you sleeping during any test again I'm going to take off house points!"
"Professor--!"
"Go, James."
James sighed and turned, bumping into Lily, who had stood frozen during the entire exchange. He hesitated before saying, "Lily."
She could only nod as he walked past her and took the path down to the Great Hall.
McGonagall was now several shades paler than she had been before. "I suppose I should have warned the both of you that you were here," she said speculatively. "What is it that you want, Evans?"
Lily cleared her throat. "I can't…I can't transform myself into anything."
McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "Is that so? Why not?"
Lily sat down shakily in a chair. "I'm…not physically able to do it."
"Evans, you have quite an aptitude for self-transfiguration. I'm sure-"
"No," said Lily, surprising even herself by interrupting her Head of House, "I can't. I'm not allowed because it isn't safe."
McGonagall sat back in her chair. "Miss Evans, there are two reasons a witch wouldn't be able to do self-transfiguration. She either really can't do it because of some physical deformity, or she's pregnant."
Lily looked down.
"Miss Evans, I wouldn't have expected this of you."
Lily looked up, her shoulders heavy with the weight of shame. She didn't want McGonagall's disappointment.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, Evans," McGonagall said briskly. "Now I assume you've told the father. Who is it, by the way?"
Lily flushed. "It's…it's James," she said, her voice shaky. She steeled herself. "I haven't told him. And I won't."
McGonagall sighed. "We need to discuss what you're going to do, Miss Evans, but for now you a have to go take your examination. Because you have been so foolish, it is half my inclination to deny you any provision and let you fail…"
Lily squeezed her eyes shut.
"…but because that will most likely reflect badly on the headmaster, I will go talk to your examiner myself."
Lily swallowed hard. "Thank you," she said softly, and she followed McGonagall out of her office.
**
It was terrible.
She was started off doing small things she had learned in first year-buttons into needles, needles into buttons, boxes into mice, mice into boxes…
She worked her way up to her seventh year material, where she began to make mistakes. The only thing she managed to do perfectly was transform another examiner into a tea kettle, but aside from that, she figured she had failed.
"Very good, Miss Evans," her examiner said impatiently. "You may leave. Do not discuss the exam with anyone."
Before Lily even had a chance to say something, the examiner turned away, and she dragged herself out of the Great Hall.
The next day was the Charms N.E.W.T. Lily sighed with relief, knowing it wouldn't be nearly as bad as Transfiguration. She made sure she ate something healthy as a snack and then went out to sit near the lake. She sighed, looking out over the water, and brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees.
She shut her eyes tightly but still felt tears leaking from the corners. She was going to have a baby! What was she going to do?
There had been a girl in Petunia's year who had gotten pregnant-she was an upstanding member of the neighborhood and only seventeen, but as soon as the little town found out, they shunned her. Lily did not want to be like that girl. She was better than that girl.
This was all a mistake. She was supposed to be with James-but how to know if it was for real?
She took in a sudden, sharp breath and opened her eyes, wiping at them. There was no way now. She was on her own-and she would just have to get used to that.
**
When she reached the common room, it was full of people bent over their books, studying. There was absolute silence; not even a whisper from the first years who were studying for their own end of year exams, which began tomorrow.
Disgusted for no apparent reason, Lily went up to her dorm and got her books fro Charms before heading to the Heads' Commons.
She knew James would be there. And she desperately needed to see him. She wanted to know where he was all the time, now, since she didn't know whether he was with another girl or-
Stop it.
Lily did. She gave the password and clambered awkwardly in to the room, hampered by her Charms materials. As she had expected, James was there as well.
"Lily," he acknowledged, before going back to his book.
"Are you…studying?" she asked incredulously.
James looked up and smiled wryly. "You know, Lily, usually when people have a messy breakup, they avoid each other."
Lily blushed and looked down.
"But yes, I am studying. Just because I sit in the back for Advanced Charms doesn't mean I don't care. I need to know Charms for-"
He stopped talking abruptly and Lily looked up, tantalized by his hint at the future.
"For any good profession," he continued, though she knew that wasn't what he was going to say. "So I'm trying to cram all this information in my brain, which is going on overload, even though I did take a nap during Transfiguration. So…"
"Do you want me to help?" she blurted.
He stared at her. "Do I want you to help," he said wonderingly, his eyes searching her face. "Do I want you to help?"
It only took her a second to see that he was laughing. "What's so funny?"
"Sit down, Lily," he said, taking a deep breath and motioning to a chair across from him. She did, still watching him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Lily replied immediately. "Why do you think something's wrong?"
He shot her a look that told her she wasn't giving him enough credit and smiled bitterly. "I know something's wrong." He laughed. "Isn't that funny? I couldn't tell anything was going to go wrong before but now I can just tell."
Lily paused, a little disconcerted by this strange behavior. "Nothing's wrong," she said firmly.
"Don't lie!" he spat suddenly. "Don't you dare fucking lie to me. You owe me more than that!"
Lily gritted her teeth to keep herself from both yelling at him and blurting out that she was pregnant. "I didn't come here to fight with you," she said, quite calmly, tucking her legs up under herself. This was familiar-this bickering with James. This was something she hoped she could always rely on.
James hands clenched in fists. "All right, Lily," he said in defeat, before looking up and smiling at her lazily. "You want to help me?"
Lily nodded.
He turned his book to her and she began quizzing him, at first hesitantly but then gaining confidence and playfully teasing him when he got one wrong. She fooled herself-just for an hour-into thinking that they were perfectly fine-that things were okay.
He quizzed her for ten minutes or so and then threw the list of questions aside in disgust when she got the first thirty-two right. They went onto the practical revision.
"Flick twice," Lily said. "No-now swirl it clockwise, not counter-clockwise-James-you can do the hardest wand movement in transfiguration in five seconds and you can't do a simple Dispelling Charm?"
"Well obviously not, Lily," James replied sarcastically. He tried to dispel the pile of dust one more time and failed.
"James-this is definitely going to be on the N.E.W.T. You have to get it."
James sighed. "I will-but let's do something else for now."
Lily's sharp intake of breath startled him and he scowled when he realized the double entendre behind his words. How many times had he said that to her while they were studying, just before they ended up on her bed or his, lying down and-
Stop it, Lily thought again.
"Let's," she said levelly, lifting her chin.
His eyes flickered to her face and he raised an eyebrow. "I still haven't got the Packing Charm done."
"That's an easy one," Lily said. "See-you just have to really concentrate, and then even if your wandwork is shabby you'll still get it done."
James tried it, pointing at the tables and shrinking them before transfiguring one into a suitcase. He uttered the incantation and the tables flew into the suitcase, packing themselves neatly.
"Well," Lily said, slightly disconcerted. "Well. Try the Dispelling Charm."
James sighed. "No," he said, sitting down on a couch. "I don't feel like it."
"Look, if you get up and try it and get it I'll give you-"
--a kiss. She broke off, horrified.
James stared at her openly. "You'll give me what, Lily?" he asked sharply.
"I'll-I'll give you…"
"Yes?"
"…a…a quill!"
James raised an eyebrow. "A quill," he repeated. "A quill. I'm sorry, but I think me getting up and trying the bloody Dispelling Charm again is worth more."
She glared at him. "I can't give you more."
"Well then I guess that's too bad," he muttered, staring hard at the wall.
"You're so immature," Lily said under breath, gathering up her books. She felt his stare on her and lifted her eyes to meet his.
"Your aura's strange," he said softly. "There's more of it…but it's all mixed up-" He looked at the air between them. "There's another link-it's white-Lily…I'm confused. Why is there another link between us?" He squinted his eyes and she knew he was going to probe deeper.
Lily slammed up all her defenses just in time.
"Lily!" he hissed, drawing back as if physically struck.
"Sorry, James," she said in a low voice. "I've got to go." He couldn't find out! Not like this!
"Lily!" he exclaimed, jumping up. "You know! Why is there another link?"
"I've got to go," she said desperately.
"Dispellus!" James snapped, and the pile of dust exploded towards the portrait hole, where it hovered, blocking Lily's escape.
"James, get rid of it," she snapped.
"Tell me!"
Lily thought of the first thing she could. "Because it's what should have been between us! I don't know! You're the expert on linking!"
"Look-" James began. "Forget it. I just want to know…do we have a ch-" He stopped suddenly. "Never mind."
Lily took out her wand and muttered an incantation, blowing away the cloud of dust. She tripped backwards out of the room and trying not to meet his accusing eyes.
**
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June 2, 1978
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James took a deep breath before pointing his wand straight at the small pile of paper on the table. He swished, flicked twice, and twirled his wand clockwise, saying "Dispellus!" very firmly. The paper shot out around the room and his examiner applauded.
"Very good, Mr. Potter! Is there any other charm you think you can do that I haven't asked you to already?"
James began to shake his head but he paused. "Actually, yes. He leveled his wand at the empty space behind the examiner and thought of Lily. "Expecto Patronum!"
A glittering silver unicorn stood for only a moment before disappearing; James was not happy enough to keep the good energy sustained. It did not matter though, for the examiner was already looking away, smiling and marking something down on a sheet of paper. "Thank you!" he gushed, smiling widely at James. "That's wonderful."
James managed a small smile before he left the room, drained and feeling rather nauseated. He leaned against the wall outside the Great Hall and swallowed hard, trying as hard as he could not to think about how fast that unicorn had faded.
**
Lily finished heaving into the toilet bowl and gasped for air, retching even more at the taste in her mouth after she flushed. She ran to the row of sinks against the wall and rinsed her mouth until she felt all traces of her regurgitated breakfast leave her mouth.
She moaned and tried not to cry. It was times like this that made her want to tell James so he could help her. She didn't know how he could help her, but she knew he could. He just-knew what to say. He always knew what to say.
The door to the girls' room opened and she straightened, smiling slightly at the two first year girls who entered and smiled shyly back.
"You're Lily, right?" one asked while her friend went into a stall.
"Yes, I am," she replied, trying and only managing a fake little smile that she was sure looked more like a grimace. She didn't really feel like talking.
The first year didn't seem to notice. "I'm Samantha. You're Head Girl?"
Lily nodded again as the girl's friend came out of the stall and washed her hands.
"Are you still dating James Potter?" asked Samantha.
Lily's breath caught and she put a hand on the cool porcelain sink to steady herself as she swayed, feeling nauseous again. She shook her head and the girl's brow wrinkled in confusion.
"But I thought-"
"Oh leave her alone, Sam," muttered the other girl, averting her eyes from Lily's. "Can't you tell she doesn't want to be bothered?"
"Don't be mean, Lena-"
But Lena dragged Samantha from the room, and Lily ran for a toilet stall once more.
**
When she left the bathroom and walked into the crowded hall it suddenly went silent. Whispers filled the air and she looked around with wide eyes.
"I heard she told him to fuck off and left."
"She's shagging Rosier! All his girlfriends go for Rosier!"
"I can't believe she did that to him!"
Lily cleared her throat and the whispers stopped. She pushed through the crowds and entered the Great Hall for lunch. Her eyes flew to the Gryffindor table and she saw that James wasn't there. She took a seat near Sirius and he waved to her.
"That poor girl. She shouldn't have fallen for Potter. She's normally smarter than that."
"She told him she was pregnant and he left her but she really isn't!"
Sirius was staring, clearly shocked by the rumors.
"I thought she was pregnant-and she told him she didn't want the child to know its father because he was a right bastard-"
"Where do you get this stuff from? He told her to get rid of it and she's going to do it because she'll do anything for him."
"It all right, Lily," Sirius said, taking her hand and squeezing it, his eyes full of sympathy and the slightest amount of pity.
As soon as he took her hand the whispers began again in earnest and Lily snatched hers away, her face burning.
It was like that all day. Everywhere she went, peoples topped talking and then began to whisper or even speak aloud. She saw James twice and saw that he was being followed by the same trail of gossip.
One sixth year Slytherin was even so bold to confront Lily to her face. She was called so many profane names and heard so many new obscenities she didn't have the strength to keep up. As it was, she felt about to collapse.
So she kept her head down and walked through the halls, a mere shadow of her former proud self.
**
Lily dropped her bag on the couch and stared at him.
"Are you all right?"
She shook her head and took a deep, shuddering breath.
He stood slowly. "N.E.W.T was bad?" He knew that wasn't the truth. The gossip mill was churning and Lily was letting it get to her.
She shook her head again, and then it was as if nothing had changed, because she was pressed flush against his body and he wrapped his arms around her so tightly he never wanted to let her go again.
"They're terrible…they won't leave me alone…make it stop!"
"Don't listen to them," he murmured into her hair. "Don't listen to them."
"I have to…I need to know if they're right or not. All of it is so-"
"Far-fetched?" he filled in, thinking of the number of times he had been asked if Lily was pregnant.
"Elaborated," she whispered.
"Don't pay any attention to it," he muttered, pressing his hand flat against her back.
She turned her face up and he readily kissed her, groaning deep into her mouth. Her knees buckled and they stumbled onto the couch.
Because really, how could they ever resist each other for so long?
**
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June 3, 1978
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James woke with a start and immediately reached for Lily. She wasn't there. Furthermore-James was in his own bed.
He looked around, seeing Sirius and Peter snoring loudly. Remus was nowhere to be seen.
He didn't feel any different. He didn't feel happier, or less relaxed.
It had been a bloody dream.
He punched his pillow hard and gritted his teeth in anger. This was fucking ridiculous. He kicked the covers off and got out of bed, sliding into a pair of pants and pulling on a shirt. He shrugged into a set of robes and tried to comb his hair.
There was a scratching sound against the window and James turned, catching sight of the owl hovering outside his window. It was a normal barn owl; it could even be one from Hogwarts. He went to let it in and it flew into the room, dropping two letters onto his bed before perching on his bedpost.
James opened the first letter and raised en eyebrow.
Dear James,
How are you? Things have been all right out here, but Emily's beginning to miss England and I can't say I don't agree. England will always be my home.
I'm sorry I haven't been keeping in touch, but I'm writing to you because of something I heard the other day. Antonin has apparently gone mad and he's out for your blood, so watch out. He heard about Emily and how close you were to her. He hasn't come to see me but it's only a matter of time. I'm terrified, James, but I've got to be strong for Emily, right? And she misses you so much-she was just talking about how she wanted Lily and Sirius and all to visit. She's going to write to the both of you-
James dropped the letter and gulped. Antonia Dolohov-Evelyn's first husband and Emily's father.
He set Evelyn's letter aside and reached for the second. His guess had been right; it was from Emily.
He tore it open and scanned the contents-Emily's usual chatter about her school, about boys and what the mean girl had said to her-James paused at one passage.
I hope you've gotten together with Lily, James. I just know you're supposed to be together. Her and Sirius-pah! And that old girlfriend of yours…Mary? Maria? She and Sirius are just alike. Although I suppose that defies the whole "opposites attract" thing, doesn't it? Well, anyway, I'll be writing to Lily as well so you'd better tell me what's going on. Honestly! I haven't heard from you in months! You're so ungrateful sometimes, you twat!-
And Emily left him with a smile on his face.
**
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June 10, 1978
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Lily dropped on a couch with a sigh and shut her eyes in happiness. N.E.W.Ts were over! She popped one eye open and surveyed the people laughing in the common room. Everyone was inside because of the light drizzle that had begun only moments ago. It was supposed to become a full-fledged storm.
Suddenly, Lily wanted to so what nobody expected. She wanted to shout that she was pregnant, that she didn't really care about the N.E.W.Ts anymore, but really, she just wanted to go out and run in the rain.
She sat up and dashed out of the common room, eliciting strange looks from her housemates. She ran through the castle and burst through the front doors, which immediately slammed shut behind her.
The rain was coming down faster now, sliding over her forehead and down her cheeks, into her awaiting mouth. She kicked of her shoes and shed her robes, doing a little twirl in her school skirt, which flared out. Her hair hung across her face and she tucked it behind her ears, out of the way.
Presently she felt someone's eyes on her. She looked up quickly, felling rather rabbit like as she sniffed the air, getting water up her nose. She sneezed and put her hand to her wand before letting it go. She was no less tense, though.
It was James.
He was standing at the entrance of the Quidditch Stadium, his broom hanging limply by his side. She couldn't make out the expression on his face, but she was good enough at recognizing him that she just knew he looked wistful.
For only a passing second she thought about beckoning to him before remembering that they had broken up.
Instead she lifted a hand and waved slightly, and he noticed. He waved back and then set of across the grounds towards the castle. Lily watched him brazenly, not really caring if he thought her intrusive.
He paused just outside the main doors but didn't look back. He tensed-almost like a wolfhound on the scent-but what could he be chasing? What could he be scenting?
Me?
No, that wasn't possible. They had missed their chance. She had ruined it.
Hadn't she?
She thought of the way he had been looking at her…if she really thought-really sat down hard and thought about him, and if she came to the decision that she really loved him…what was to stop them from getting back together?
And who cared if she sat and thought in the rain?
So Lily sat down, and she thought.