A/N: Okay…the more I get into this the more I find new, favorite chapters! Here, for all of you who have been so anxiously awaiting it, I've given you a little taste of what's in the journal; it does get better!
I hope you like it…I look forward to your comments.
Anyway, happy reading…
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The Second Entry…
"Hermione, what are you doing with that?" Harry asked, looking once again at the journal on her lap.
"Wha…" She began as her eyes drifted down to the spot where he was looking. She looked back at him in utter confusion. "I don't know, Harry." She said. She returned her attention to the book and picked it up to examine it. "Isn't this journal I had before?" She asked, looking to him to provide her with answers to questions as yet unspoken.
Harry's eyes narrowed as he returned her look of confusion. "What do you mean you don't know?" He questioned. "I threw that book across the room. It was lying all the way over there." He said, pointing in the direction in which he'd thrown it. "How did you get it?"
Tears stung her eyes. The feeling of turmoil had returned full-force. Her eyes begged him for help as she realized she had no recollection of how she'd gotten the book. "Honestly, Harry." She said softly. "I really don't know."
Harry got out of bed; his body far from rested and his legs unsteady, he walked as quickly as he could to her bedside. He reached out for her to hand him the journal. An internal struggle began within her as a part of her tried to hand it to him and another part held her back. He watched in wonder as the conflict raged in her eyes. "Let me have it Hermione." He said softly.
She tried handing it to him and once again she was held back. She looked at him pleadingly, "I want to, Harry. I do." She said. "I just can't!"
He considered reaching out to snatch it from her but before he could another thought entered his mind. This is it. Dumbledore was right. Hermione is there, but so is… he couldn't bring himself to finish his thought. Hermione doesn't realize she's no longer alone.
He sat down on the chair beside her bed. "Hermione?" He said.
She looked at him with tear-filled eyes. He could hear in her voice just how close she was to the edge. "Yes, Harry?" She managed to say through the lump that was now lodged uncomfortably in her throat.
His heart was breaking as he looked at her. "Don't cry, Hermione." He said gently. "It's going to be all right."
She swallowed hard and managed to clear away enough of the lump to speak. "How do you know, Harry?" She asked softly. "How can you be so sure when you don't even know what's wrong" She searched his face. "Or do you?"
Deciding to avoid her question for the time being, he asked her one of his own. "Hermione, why did you get so angry the last time you saw the journal?" He asked gently. He was trying to keep his voice light as though it were an everyday conversation and not a matter of saving her life.
She closed her eyes in concentration; trying hard to remember why she had been angry. Was I angry? She wondered. I don't remem…
Instantly a feeling of clarity washed over her and she looked at him. She didn't know why she was suddenly so sure, but whether or not it was the truth behind the circumstances, she had an answer. "I told you already, Harry…" she began, "I was very upset when one of the first things you asked me about was Cho."
Harry nodded. "Yes, I remember." He said. "But there's more to it then that, isn't there?"
She took a deep breath. Something or someone was feeding her the words; forcing her to turn it all around on him. Although she had little to no control over what she was saying, she found a great deal of truth in the words, and a part of her felt like dying. "Think about it, Harry." She said. "I wake up and you ask me about Cho. I tell you I have a bizarre dream starring whom? Cho! In my dream she was fighting to keep me away from you, Harry. She was fighting so she could have you, and you wouldn't let me go back to save you. Then, I find the journal that you left behind and who does it belong to? Cho! First I was angry with you because you told me that you loved me and yet all of these reminders of Cho were everywhere. She was your first real crush, Harry…maybe even your first love. And now we're at this place in our lives where we're supposed to be happy and together and…and…we're not because you can't seem to let go." Tears stung her eyes as she valiantly fought the urge to cry. Being forced to realize this sudden truth was more than she could handle. She felt very out of control of her thoughts and emotions and she wondered if she wasn't well on her way to a nervous breakdown.
Harry was astonished. He couldn't believe what she was saying. Most of her words were true and he felt guilty for not having recognized how awful she must have felt when he had given her no reason for the constant mentioning of Cho's name.
"Hermione, I'm…"
She put her hand up. "Wait, Harry." She said firmly. "There's more."
Harry sat back in his chair and waited for her to gather her thoughts. How can there possibly be more? He wondered. She'd already given him reason enough for not only her anger, but his anger at himself as well.
"I told you that I was angry with you, but that anger went beyond you."
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"My anger transferred from you to Professor Dumbledore and for a moment, I hated him." She said evenly, and for a brief moment he saw that flicker of anger and hate pass through her eyes as her memories replayed in her mind.
"You…what?" He said, alarmed by her seemingly irrational…not to mention incredibly un-Hermione-like behavior.
"I hated him, Harry." She repeated, her voice maintaining the same even tone.
"But…why? I've never known you to hate anyone, Hermione. Not even Malfoy and he said some pretty rotten things to you and treated all of us like something stuck to the bottom of his shoe." He said. He regretted using Malfoy as an example after what he'd done, but right now he knew of no other options.
"I read the first entry in the journal and I was so angry at the words I found there…her words. For seven years I've dedicated my life to protecting you, to keeping you safe from things that could hurt you, and I thought that Dumbledore had tried to do the same. Those words were painful for me to read, Harry, and I can't imagine what they must have done to you. I hated him for giving it to you, for giving you the very thing that could destroy everything we've worked so hard for." She said. She looked closely at him as the thought occurred to her that maybe he hadn't read it yet. "You have read it, haven't you?" She asked timidly.
"Yes, I did." He said, as the pain of what he'd read swept through him once again. "Just the first entry, same as you. I was waiting for you to be ready before I read anymore. I wanted to do it together. But Hermione, you can't hate Dumbledore. He didn't give the journal to me for me…he gave it to me for you." He said heavily.
"What? What do you mean he `gave it to you for me'?" She asked.
"There are things going on, Hermione. Things you don't yet know. Things I haven't been able to tell you until you're ready. Dumbledore told me some of it and he gave me the journal so we could discover the rest together." He informed her.
"I'm ready, Harry." She said adamantly.
"Hermione, I'm not so sure." He said, shaking his head. "Madam Pomfrey said you need your rest. She said that excitement is the very last thing you need right now. In fact, I promised her that I wouldn't let you get upset, and just in the first couple of pages, that journal has already done that." He said intently. "Besides, I thought you said you were angry because you didn't want me to have to experience all of that again. Why are you changing your mind all of a sudden?"
Hermione suddenly felt the release of whatever unknown thing or being had been guiding her. She felt herself again, if only for the moment. "Harry, I lied to you earlier." She said softly.
Harry could not believe this was his Hermione and for the moment he was relieved to know that his heart and never fully convinced his head that it was her. He closed his eyes and took a long, slow, deep breath to calm himself before she hit him with the next punch. "About what, Hermione?" He asked, although he wasn't sure he could handle the answer.
She sighed. "You asked me earlier if I was all right and I lied when I told you I was fine. The truth is, Harry, I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I become overwhelmed by some unknown force and I have no control. Right now, I'm fine, but earlier…oh, Harry. I'm so sorry. I said all those mean, awful things. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I know that you love me. I do. But something inside me was urging me, providing me the words…and I was powerless to stop it." She cried. "And like earlier, Harry, with the journal. I honestly don't know how I got it. I don't know what to do, Harry. Do you think I should talk to Dumbledore? Do you think he would know? I can't trust myself not to hurt you with what I might say, Harry, and I love you far too much to cause you any more pain."
"Hermione, please." He said solemnly. "There is so much that I have to tell you and you must know, a part of you must know, that what you said was true. I haven't provided you with any explanation for why Cho has been the topic of so many conversations. All you know is what you've heard…and you haven't heard the half of it, Hermione. It won't be easy to hear."
"Tell me, Harry."
He rubbed his hands over his eyes and face as he groaned. He slumped forward and rested his hands on his knees before he looked up at her. "I don't think I can, Hermione." He said softly. "I don't think I want to."
"Harry James Potter!" She said loudly, startling him. "I swear, Harry, that if you don't tell me right now what's going…I'll…" She looked him square in the eyes and said, "Have you ever heard the saying, `hell hath no fury…? Trust me Harry. You won't like what you see if you don't just come out with it."
Harry swallowed hard, thankful once again that her wand was tucked away safely in Dumbledore's office. "Well…all right then…" He said quickly. "The truth is, Hermione, Cho is the reason you're here. She's the reason you were in a coma."
She hadn't known what she expected to hear, but that certainly was not it. "What?" She asked, wondering briefly if she'd misheard him.
"You heard me right, Hermione." He confirmed. "She's the reason you're here…although I can't lay all the blame on her."
"What do you mean, Harry?" She asked.
"First of all, Cho is the one who cursed you. No one seems to know what she hit you with, but according to an anonymous letter Dumbledore received, she is the one who is responsible. As for her not having sole responsibility, well, I suppose I have to take part of the blame, don't I?"
That part of Hermione that she as yet failed to recognize leapt as if happy to have heard Harry's words. Hermione struggled against it in an effort to regain control. "Yes, I suppose you do." The words that came from her mouth were not hers and she looked as though she wanted to cry as Harry stared open-mouthed at her.
"Excuse me?" He said in disbelief.
He watched, as Hermione seemed to once again wage that inner battle. She began to shake her head and her eyes pleaded with him to forgive her even as her voice conveyed his worst fears. "Well, you are the reason Cedric is dead, aren't you?" She said, unable to hold the words at bay. Her eyes were wide with shock. Had she really just said that? She wondered.
NO! Harry thought. This is not going to happen. "Hermione?" He called softly to her, fighting his own battle to maintain control of his own emotions. "Hermione, speak to me. I know you're there. I know you don't know what's happening, but we need to talk. You need to understand. It's okay, Hermione. I love you no matter what." He cajoled.
She gasped as finally she broke the hold over her. "I'm so sorry, Harry." She said breathlessly. She looked at him with tears in her eyes, begging him to forgive her. "I'm so sorry. Do you understand now? We have to do this. Whatever this, this thing…is, we have to fight it. I love you, Harry, but I can't continue to do this to you. I'd rather die than hurt you."
Harry closed his eyes as even greater fears began to take hold of him. This was the very thing that had scared him the most when he'd discovered the possibility that some part of Cho may have transferred to her. He took a deep, controlling breath and expelled loudly. "Don't say that Hermione. Please, don't ever say that." He said as he once again felt his heart breaking. This was all becoming way too much for him to handle alone.
"Tell me what you know, then Harry. The rest of it." She implored. "I need to know."
"All right, Hermione." He conceded. He couldn't bear to watch her go through that inner struggle again. He had to find a way to keep her with him. "As I said, no one seems to know what curse she hit you with, all they know is that it was an unforgivable. From what Dumbledore could gather from the journal, something went wrong with it and…" He put his head down in his hands as he found it harder and harder to go on.
"Go on, Harry." She urged. "I need you to tell me everything. What went wrong?"
He looked up at her and she could clearly see the pain reflected in his eyes. He closed his eyes and silently willed himself to continue. "Do you remember what I told you Bellatrix LeStrange said after I tried to use the `Crucio' curse on her?"
Hermione looked thoughtful as the memory of their conversation replayed in her mind. "You said that in order for an unforgivable curse to work, the one performing it has to mean it. You told both Ron and I that in case we needed to use one during the final battle."
Harry nodded. "That's right, Hermione. You have to mean it. The whole point of using an unforgivable curse is to cause permanent harm…or death. The only way to do that is through unbearable anger or hate. Apparently, when an unforgivable curse is cast with the wrong emotion behind it, the effects of the curse can be altered."
"So what are you saying, Harry? Cho hit me with an unforgivable curse with the wrong emotion behind it? What does that mean?" She asked anxiously. "What emotion?"
"Envy." He said softly.
"Envy?" She repeated. "What do you mean, envy? That doesn't make any sense. What did she have to be envious of?"
"Us."
Hermione shook her head, hoping to get all the pieces to magically fall into place. "Us? What about us? There's never been an `us' until now, has there?" She said; bewildered at the course this new information had taken.
Harry chuckled, though she could see no laughter in his eyes. "Apparently there was, Hermione. At least to some." He said derisively. "You read that journal entry. You know she thought I was to blame for Cedric's death…you said so yourself just a few minutes ago." His voice began to get louder the more he spoke. "She was envious, my dear, Hermione, because she thought I had what she would never have again."
Hermione was shocked. Not only had Harry apparently begun to snap, but he was delusional as well. What in the world did Harry have back then that Cho would never have again? "I don't understand." She said.
"What? What do you mean you don't understand?" He said belligerently. "You're a smart woman, Hermione. How can you not understand?" He was losing his patience with her…with this…with life…everything. All of it was becoming too much for him. All he wanted was to love her. He didn't care if they had to live in a cardboard box on a street corner, all he wanted was a life with her and damn it … a dead woman was slowly stripping him of the one chance he had…she was winning and in his mind's eye, he could see her smiling.
"Please, Harry." Hermione pleaded. "Please don't be angry with me. I want to understand. I do. But something's not right. What does all of this really have to do with me?"
Harry took yet another deep breath, I've been doing that way too often lately, he mused. He looked at her and the look in her eyes tore him apart. She was pleading with him to make her understand and he was getting angry with her for not being the one with the answers…this was getting them nowhere.
"Hermione, listen," he said begrudgingly, "Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey both say there's a slight chance that when Cho hit you with that curse, rather than kill you, some of the emotion she was feeling may have transferred to you while you were unconscious and unable to fight it. She was jealous because she thought that I had you…that we had each other, and once `I' took Cedric away from her, I cost her the one chance she had at happiness. She wanted to take you from me so I would know her pain. There wasn't enough anger and hate to make the curse effective…rather than the hate she needed to feel in order for it to work properly, envy was her strongest emotion. The problem was, the impact of it was enough to knock you off your feet. When your head hit the ground you were knocked unconscious and that's how you fell into the coma."
All that she could say was, "Harry, I don't think the chance is slight anymore."
Harry laughed softly. "No, Hermione. I'm deathly afraid that you're right." He said fearfully. Then he pointed to the book in her lap. "Apparently, we'll find more answers in there." He said.
"Then it's time we read the journal." She said matter-of-factly.
"But…"
She put her hand up. "I promise you, Harry. If we don't find out what's going on, then you'll see just how angry and upset I can get. There has to be a way to get rid of whatever this is I'm feeling. I'm telling you, it's only been a couple of days, but I can't live like this forever."
At her words his heart plummeted to the floor. I can't live like this forever…I can't live like this…I can't live…. Silently he cried for all they'd lost and all they'd stand to lose if he couldn't save her…and himself.
"Okay, Hermione." He said reluctantly. "Let's read the journal."
"Do you want me to read it out loud to you or do you want to sit here with me so we can read together from the book?" She asked.
He looked around the room for a better solution. He already knew he couldn't bear to hear the words spoken in Hermione's voice and her bed wasn't nearly big enough for them to both get comfortable. His eyes rested on the bed in which he'd fallen asleep earlier; the one in which he'd had his dream. He walked over to it and released the brake that held it in place. He pushed it until it rested against Hermione's; he locked it once again and sat down. He fluffed up his pillows and laid back against them before pulling her to him so she could rest her head on his shoulder. He wasn't interested in a repeat of earlier, so he let her maintain control of the journal. She held it in her hands and prepared to open it.
He placed his hand on hers before she could turn the pages. "Wait a minute, Hermione." He said. "There's something else I want to tell you."
She turned her head to look up at him. "What is it, Harry?" She asked, eager to get to the journal and yet curious to know what he was thinking.
"Earlier, when I tried to sleep, I had a dream. I won't go into all of the details right now, but I was taken to the place where Cho was killed. I saw the bodies of Malfoy and Millicent Bullstrode and Cho and then there was this…"
Hermione sat up quickly and turned to stare at him in disbelief. "What did you just say?"
"What?" Harry said, confused. "What did I say?"
Hermione huffed. "Did you just say you saw the bodies of Draco and Millicent?" She asked.
"Yeah…" Harry said, slowly catching on to why she was so upset. She'd mentioned having a dream about them and he'd forgotten to tell her they were dead.
"Are you telling me that they're dead?" She asked, unable to believe it could be true. "I mean, really dead?" She repeated.
Her hand was the only thing he could reach and he grabbed hold and held firmly as he looked into her eyes. "Yes, Hermione." He said softly. "I'm so sorry, with everything else going on, I forgot to tell you."
"What happened?" She asked. "You said they were near Cho?"
Harry lowered his head. "Apparently they caught Cho right after she cursed you. She was trying to get away and they tried to stop her. They both hit her with a spell at the same time and apparently the combination killed her. I don't think they meant to, and neither does Professor Dumbledore. We both think their intent was to capture her and turn her in."
"Okay." She said wearily. "But that doesn't explain how they died."
"Apparently a couple of Voldemort's followers witnessed what happened. They called them traitors, said they were a disgrace to everything they were taught to believe…then they killed them. Right there. With absolutely no remorse. All because, for the first time ever, they'd tried to do the right thing." He said; his voice heavy with the sadness and pain he'd felt earlier, in his dream. "I think we might find out more about that in the journal too."
Hermione had begun to cry. "Someday Harry…someday, I'll have to tell you…I'll have to tell you what they did for me. For us." She stammered. "Someday I'll tell you about my dream." She dropped back heavily against his shoulder. He winced at the sudden stab of pain as her head made contact. At least I can still feel something, he thought. He could feel the dampness of her tears from where they'd fallen on his shirt. He reached for the sheet and gently dried her eyes.
"Don't cry, Hermione." He whispered. "We'll get through this and we'll find the answers. Someday this will be all over, I promise."
She looked up at him with tears still in her eyes. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Harry."
He looked into her eyes and in that instant he believed…he knew…that everything would be all right because whether here in this life, or in whatever sort of afterlife existed out there, they would be together.
"Never." He whispered softly.
"Come on Harry." She said heavily. "We have a journal to read."
"That's my girl." He replied.
The words from his dream now forgotten, he didn't stop her this time from turning the pages to the second entry.
Journal entry 2
Finally school is over. Now I no longer have to hear the false words of condolence. Or watch as sympathetic eyes follow me as I walk alone down the long, lonely corridors. But most of all, I don't have to listen anymore to the heroic stories of Harry Potter…how wonderful he was to bring Cedric back…how brave he was to face down the Dark Lord once again…or how he was a champion in the face of his greatest challenge. Harry Potter is none of those things…he is a coward who continually hides behind his scar. He thinks he can get away with anything with Professor Dumbledore on his side, but he won't get away with this, because this time…I won't let him.
I see the way his dear, sweet Hermione Granger looks at him; pathetic, really. He's so blind. Are all boys that blind? All except my Cedric, I bet. I'm so tired of seeing him walk around in his oblivion. I know he fancies her…probably even loves her. I wonder though, if he loves her as much as I love Cedric. Maybe one day soon he'll realize he does. I hope so, because that will be the day I begin my task of taking it away…just as he took it from me.
I watched them as they said their goodbyes on the platform today. She kissed him…and still he's too blind to see. I think I need to find a way to bring them closer; a way to make him realize that he can't live without her. I've seen the way he looks at me. All he sees is what's on the outside…that's what everyone sees, except my Cedric…he always saw me for who I am. Perhaps next year I can use Harry's `feelings' for me to get what I need from him, I just have to figure out the best way to do it. That will be my goal this holiday…to formulate the ultimate plan for revenge.
I think my Cedric would like that…
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