A/N: As promised, another chapter (I knew I could do it, even after writing, `It's Not the Size That Matters' (tee hee hee)). We're getting there. There's some real, physical action coming up, but since Hermione can't really do anything just yet, we are busy answering questions and reading (or trying to read) journal entries…
I'll try to post another one tonight…it is 5:54 AM Sunday morning. I hope I'm not just delirious in thinking this chapter sounds all right.
Also, for those of you who have already looked at the A/N that makes up Chapter 20, I added some additional stuff to it. I put it in italics so you wouldn't have to search for it. It's just some stuff about the time factor if you're interested.
I look forward to your reviews…
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Conversations
Hermione felt him shift beneath her as he finished reading the second entry. She lifted her head from his shoulder and turned to look at him.
"Harry, I'm s…" She began.
He placed his hand on her cheek then gently caressed her lips. His eyes were filled with pain as he looked at her. "Shh." He said softly. "Not now."
His hand slid to the back of her head and he pulled her to him. As they kissed every pent up emotion that had been building within him began pouring out. He put everything into that kiss. This was what he needed. She was what he needed.
His tongue begged for entrance and she readily acquiesced. He moaned as their kiss deepened and he felt more and more of his tension release. His hand moved from her head to her breast and she moaned before the realization of his gesture registered in her mind. She placed her hand over his and pulled back from his kiss. "Harry?" She said breathlessly, as she moved his hand to hold it between them. She searched his face with eyes that held their own pain and fears. "Harry, talk to me." She implored.
He closed his eyes and laid his head back into the pillow, she watched as silent tears slid down his temples and into his hair. Her heart was breaking for him. Her concerns for her own sanity and health vanished in an instant as she watched him. Why is it always him, she wondered. Because he deserves it! That new, unwelcome part of her mind intruded, uninvited, into her thoughts. She jumped. "Leave me alone." She shouted at it.
Harry jumped and moved away from her. "I'm sorry, Hermione." He said uneasily. "I…I didn't mean to."
He surprised her and she looked at him questioningly. "Where are you going, Harry?" She asked. "Why did you pull away from me like that?"
Harry sighed and shook his head. He didn't know how much more he could take; she didn't even realize she'd just yelled at him. He rose from the bed and looked at her. "I'll be back." He said softly. "I need some air."
Hermione eyes were wide with shock and worry. "You're leaving me?"
Harry sighed again then pointed to the journal. "Promise me you won't read that while I'm gone." He said. "I'll be back soon. I just need to get out for a while."
She looked from him to the journal and slowly nodded her head. "I promise, Harry."
He hated seeing the look in her eyes but there was nothing he could do for her when he couldn't even do anything for himself at the moment. Maybe after a ride, he thought. He nodded and started to walk away. After a couple of steps he turned to face her, "No Hermione. I'm not leaving you." He said softly. "I'll never leave you."
He heard her sharp intake of breath as he turned to walk out of the infirmary. I'm sorry, Hermione, he thought as he walked through door without a backward glance.
Hermione sat in stunned silence. What happened? She wondered. "Why did he walk away like that?"
She looked at the journal still in her hand. "Damn you, Cho." She said acidly. "I swear I'd kill you if you weren't already dead." In keeping with the promise she'd made to Harry before he left, she set the book to the side to await his return. She looked at his now empty bed and her eyes drifted upward to his pillow. She ran her hand slowly over the damp spots where his tears had fallen. "Don't forget your promise, Harry." She whispered.
"Ahem."
Startled, Hermione looked up and into the tired eyes of Professor Dumbledore.
"Professor Dumbledore."
"Yes, Miss Granger. How are you feeling this afternoon?" He asked.
"I'm…I'm fine, sir." She said nervously.
"I thought it was time we spoke." He said solemnly. "Do you feel you are ready for that?"
"I don't know what I'm ready for." She replied. Her eyes met his and softly she added, "I'm not sure I'm ready for anything."
Dumbledore nodded. "You have questions for me, I presume?" He asked as he conjured a chair and sat down.
She nodded. "First I want to know why I suddenly feel so nervous around you. Can you tell me that?"
"There are any number of reasons for that Miss Granger." He said knowingly. "Your emotions are in conflict, are they not?"
She nodded again. "How do you…" She stopped. She knew there was no point in continuing. This was Dumbledore after all, the man with all the answers; including ones to unspoken questions. She sat silently and waited for him to speak.
"I can see it in your eyes, Miss Granger." He said. "You, of all people, should understand by now that the eyes cannot lie. In yours I see pain, sadness, fear, anger, and, dare I say, the slightest trace of hate. You want to think that your anger and hate are for me, when in fact, they are not."
"Tell me then, who are they for?" She said malevolently.
"Be careful, Hermione." He said carefully as he watched her eyes; careful to use her name, hoping that by keeping it personal she would not allow her emotions to gain too much control. "Hate is an uncontrollable emotion. It can do irreparable harm…especially, when it is misdirected."
"Stop. Avoiding. My. Question." She said slowly, emphasizing each word.
"You are looking for an outlet, Hermione, and yes, you may utilize me, if that is what you desire. However, I must caution you. The emotions of anger and hate are not your own. They are a part of Miss Chang, a part of her which you now possess." He said matter-of-factly.
"What do you know about that?" She spat. "Oh wait! The `great' Dumbledore always knows, doesn't he?"
"Hermione, you must listen to me." He said passionately. "Your feelings of anger and hate will most assuredly grow, and as they do, there is a very good chance that you will begin to self-destruct. As I have said, those emotions are not your own. They belonged to Miss Chang and while the transference of any such emotion was not the intent, you can rest assured that you are still the one for which they existed. You and Harry."
"NO!" She yelled. "You're wrong. They're for you. They've always been for you."
"You may use me as your outlet, Hermione, I much prefer it to any other alternative." He said. "I will be your outlet until such time that part of you no longer allows it. You and Harry must find the answers. I do not have all of the answers and therefore, I cannot give them to you. I trust that between you, you will find them quickly."
He watched her eyes closely as the battle within her raged. "AHHHH!" She yelled. She put her hands up to her ears as if to stop the madness that had invaded her mind. "Stop!" She yelled, though softer this time. She looked at Dumbledore, her eyes pleaded with him, "Help me." She whispered hoarsely.
"I will, Miss Granger." He said. "As much as I can, I will."
"I had a dream." She said suddenly, as if moments ago she wasn't fighting a battle for control. "Cho was there. So were Draco, Millicent, and Professor Trelawney."
"Would you care to tell me about it?" He asked.
She nodded. "Cho, and Millicent, they told me I was…they said I was their very own Cinderella and…"
"What? What did you just say?"
Hermione looked up, startled to see Harry standing just beyond Dumbledore.
"Harry!" She said, relieved to see him return so quickly. "I'm so glad you came back."
"I told you I would." He said off-handedly. "What did you just say?"
Startled by his abruptness, she forgot what she had been talking about.
"Miss Granger was just telling me about her dream, Harry." Dumbledore said. "Has she told you about it?"
Harry didn't move his eyes from Hermione as shook his head and answered, "no."
Dumbledore looked at Hermione then back at Harry. "Please," he said, motioning to Harry's chair, "join us."
Hermione was still sitting silently on her bed.
Harry took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Hermione." He said gently. "Please. Talk to me."
"Cinderella." She said softly.
"Cinderella." He repeated. "They told you that you were Cinderella?"
She nodded.
Harry looked from Hermione to Dumbledore. "Can you excuse me for a minute?" He asked. "I have to get something. I'll be right back."
"Yes, Harry, of course." Dumbledore answered for both of them.
Harry ran out of the infirmary and headed for his room. He'd taken the book there when he grabbed the parchment he used to write the letters to Ron and her parents. When he finally reached his room he quickly grabbed the book along with the letters from her mum and ran back to the infirmary.
Hermione looked at him curiously when saw he was carrying something. "What's all that?" She asked.
"These are letters from your mum." He said as he handed them to her.
She looked at the envelopes and was surprised to see there were two letters; one addressed to her and the other to Harry.
"May I?" She asked him as she held up the letter addressed to him.
He nodded his head. "Of course." He answered.
Hermione began to cry as she read the words that Harry had by now memorized. Tears formed in his eyes as he watched her.
Dear Harry,
First of all, I'd like to thank you for keeping such open communication with us. This has not been easy for any of us but your letters keep us hopeful. We are touched by your honesty about your feelings toward our daughter. We know that she is in good, caring hands and that you will do all that you can to bring her back to us. If things do not work out in the way that we are praying for, we beg you not to think, even for a moment, that it was due to a failure on your part. We know that Hermione would not have wanted to be anywhere else that night. You and Ron are her world and she loves you both very much. She would not have let you go alone…wild horses could not have stopped her from following you. She gets that stubbornness from her father…God bless him.
On the other hand, I cannot express to you in words how much it is hurting us to not see our baby girl right now. We understand the reasons but they do not ease the pain that has now taken permanent residency in our hearts. We look forward to the day she comes walking through our door with her arms open wide. I long to sit on the couch with her curled in arms reading aloud from her favorite childhood book. She may be older now but she will never be too big to snuggle on my lap, rest her head on my shoulder, and listen to the story that always seemed to make her feel better.
I suppose by now you figured it out. The book that I've enclosed was her favorite growing up. She found comfort in its pages. She always loved fairy tales and happy endings. I hope that you will read it to her and that she will once again find that comfort. I only pray now that she finds it outside of her sleep and feels safe in returning to us. I ask that you also read aloud the letter that I have enclosed for her.
Thank you Harry for all that you've done and all that you continue to do. I truly hope that when she awakens she returns the feelings that you so openly have for her. We would welcome you with open arms into our family. We know that you would be a very lucky young man, and we're quite convinced that she would be an equally lucky young woman. We have already begun to think of you as a surrogate son…even if things do not go beyond friendship between you and our daughter; you will always be welcome in our home.
Don't forget to take care of yourself as you take care of our Hermione. You are both in our thoughts…always.
Love,
`Mum' (I hope you don't mind that…it just somehow feels right).
She looked at him as new emotions flooded through her. "Harry, I don't…my mum…" She stammered, she was having trouble finding the words and her tears began falling faster.
He moved to his bed and pulled her into his arms. "Shh." He said soothingly. "It's all right, Hermione. It's a lot to take in right now. It's okay."
"What if we don't find the answers, Harry? What if this doesn't end?" She cried. "They love you. I love you. But what…"
He pulled away from her and searched her eyes. "Don't say that, Hermione." He pleaded. "I promised didn't I?"
She smiled through her tears and nodded at him. "You didn't forget." She whispered.
"Never, Hermione." He said gently. "Read the other letter, Love."
She looked at him in surprise. Love, she thought. "I like that." She said. He smiled as he gently caressed her cheek. "Love." She whispered.
Slowly she opened her letter and began to read.
Hi Sweetheart,
I asked Harry to read this letter to you. I hope, honey, that you are able to hear and understand the words even if you are unable to acknowledge them.
First of all I need you to know just how sorry your father and I are that we have not been there for you physically. There is so much interest in your life right now that we worry what will happen if we leave here. Harry has been wonderful about keeping us updated with regard to your condition and in return we keep the press informed so they will not stoop to making up stories. I know that sounds like a cop-out honey and that we should be there regardless…and that's probably true. However, we are trying to do what we feel is best for you and for now that means allowing Harry to be there for you in our absence. He has promised to contact us immediately if anything should change and special transportation will be arranged should we have to rush to your bedside. He is quite a young man Hermione and we are thankful that he has played such an important role in your life and we pray that he will continue to do so.
We have been in touch with Ron as well and I must say that your ability to choose your friends wisely is amazing. If you'd searched a lifetime I don't think you could do any better than those two. Their love and concern for you is evident in every word they share with us. I'm proud of you, sweetheart…for everything you've accomplished in your life. I can't even begin to list the things that you have done that have made our hearts swell with pride…and so I won't, not here anyway. I will save that for when I hold you in my arms.
Do you remember all those years ago when you would crawl onto my lap with your favorite book? You would snuggle into my arms, lean your head against my shoulder, and lose yourself in the fairy tale as I read it to you. Those are some of my most treasured memories Hermione. Those are the ones that I cling to as I wait, longing to see you walk through that door and into my arms. I'm ready to hold you like that again…even if you do think you're too big for that now. You'll never be too big to snuggle with me on the couch to listen to your favorite story.
Because I cannot be there with you now, I have sent the book to Harry to read to you if he chooses. I hope sweetheart that you can find comfort in it once again. I pray that it leads you back to us. I know I shouldn't speak the words out loud, or in this case, write them in a letter to you, but I feel as though this may be our last chance to get through to you and I pray to God that it works. Come back to us Hermione. We love you and we long to see your beautiful smile and to hear your laughter echoing throughout the house.
You are always in our thoughts and prayers. Come back to us soon. God bless both you and Harry.
With all my love,
Mum
P.S. Your dad says to tell you that you better hurry home…he misses his Trivial Pursuit rival. You know I find it difficult to keep up with him! Honestly, like me, he just flat out misses you. He sends his love.
She cried once more as she read through the letter. She missed her mother's arms and she knew the first thing she was going to do when she got home was run into them…then she was going to snuggle on the couch with her to listen to her read. Her mother was right…she'd never be too big for that.
She glanced at the letter again then looked at Harry questioningly. "A book?" She asked. "What book?"
Harry handed her the book he had set on his chair when he moved to the bed.
"Cinderella?" She said, bewildered. "But how…I mean…my dream."
"I don't know, Hermione." Harry answered her unspoken question. "Somehow we must have met on the same level when I started reading it to you."
"If I may?" Dumbledore interceded.
Hermione nodded and Harry answered for both of them, "Yes. Please."
"Coma patients often have the ability to hear and understand happenings outside of their sleep. While they are oftentimes unable to respond, they are still quite capable of comprehending." He said. "I believe that Miss Granger heard you read, Harry, and then her subconscious mind provided her with a dream…her own version of the story."
Harry looked at Hermione. "Are you ready to tell us what happened?" He asked.
"Yes." She answered. "I'm ready."
Hermione had barely begun her story when she remembered something. She looked at Harry. "I heard you." She
said incredulously. "I heard your voice. I didn't know it was you until just now. You were speaking to me and
I felt safe. Loved."
"You heard me?" Harry asked in awe.
"No. I mean, yes. But wait. I saw you. Before that. I saw you." Her eyes were closed and her voice sounded far away as she desperately tried to recall the memory. "You looked so sad and I…I wanted to comfort you. You were sitting…" she opened her eyes looked around her, "in that chair" she said, pointing to Harry's chair. "only it was closer. I could have touched you. I tried. I tried to touch you. There was a tear. I saw a tear on your cheek and I tried to wipe it away but my hand…it went through you. Then I saw you…" she looked at Harry, her eyes still lost somewhere in the dream, "you raised your hand and…and you wiped it away."
Harry lifted his hand to his cheek. He remembered. He'd felt her then, too. "Right here." He said softly, rubbing his finger in the spot where his tear had been. "I felt you touch me but when I reached for your hand all I felt was the tear." He looked at her. "I thought it was only wishful thinking."
Together they looked to Dumbledore as though he would provide them with understanding.
Dumbledore merely shook his head and quietly said, "Love knows no bounds."
"Love knows no bounds." Harry repeated softly to her. "Go on, Hermione. Tell us what else happened."
She told them about waking up in a strange place and searching for the source of the voices that insisted upon calling her Her-my-oh-nee. She told them about finding Cho and Millicent and how they took her to see Professor Trelawney. "Each of them represented a part of me. They said I brought each of them there for a specific reason. They were the embodiment of my greatest fears." She said. "They told me they weren't there to help me, but they did. Or at least Millicent and Professor Trelawney did." She said; a hint of her anger at Cho resonated in her voice. "Millicent represented my fear of being lonely. After I figured it out, she vanished. As she disappeared, she said `let go of it'."
"Wow." Harry whispered. "Who would have thought Millicent possible of that before all this happened?"
"I know, Harry. Believe me, all of them were the last people I'd expected to see there." She said before she continued. "They called Professor Trelawney `mother' because Cinderella has two wicked step-sisters and a wicked stepmother. She was wicked…at first. I think now, though, that it was because Cho was there. Because when I saw her later, after Millicent disappeared, she changed, she was different. She said I was supposed to have figured her role out first and then she guided me until I got my answer…"
"Fear of the future." Harry said softly.
Hermione looked at him in surprise. "How did you…"
He smiled. "Divination. What else would she be there for?" He said matter-of-factly.
Hermione laughed. After all she'd gone through, Harry had the answer in a fraction of the time it took her. "Yes. What else, indeed." She said, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. "She asked me a question. She asked me, `why do so many people see fairy tales the way that you do, only remembering the good and blissfully ignorant of the bad?' She said that if I could answer that honestly, I would be well on my way to finding what I `seek'." She paused, thinking back to her conversation.
"So?" Harry said impatiently. "What was the answer?"
She smiled at him as she came out of her reverie. "You mean you don't know?" She said playfully.
"Come on, Hermione." He laughed. "The other was obvious. This is not. Although it is interesting."
"Yes, Miss Granger, I quite agree with Harry." Dumbledore said. "This is quite fascinating. Please, continue."
"Harry." She said.
"Me?" Harry said in surprise. "What about me?"
"I was trying to find the answer and for some reason I thought about you. I realized the parallels between you and Cinderella." She looked at. "Sorry, Harry, I don't mean to compare you to a female character in a fairy tale, but…"
"No, Hermione, it's okay." He said, surprising her. "When I was reading the story, I realized it too. I remember thinking about that very thing." He looked at her, "I remember wondering if you noticed how similar we were. I even asked you. I wanted to know if there was a deeper meaning behind Cinderella being your favorite story. If it was a sign."
She placed her hand on his before she spoke, "I think so, Harry. I really believe that. When I was living this dream, I felt that connection. Professor Trelawney said something else that made me think about you." She closed her tightly in concentration, trying to remember Trelawney's exact words; "she said something about fearing the path that takes us from one good thing to what we hope will be another. That we forget that the journey is what makes us who we are and what gives us the appreciation for what we receive. She said, `if all good things came to you, would you appreciate them as much as someone like Harry would'?"
"Wow." Harry said again. "She said that? What could you say to that?"
"Nothing." She said softly. "I didn't have an answer."
"What?" Harry said incredulously. "Hermione Granger didn't have an answer?" He put his hands to his heart. "Woe be the day." He said smiling.
"Very funny, Harry." She said smiling. "I'd like to see you have all the answers in the same situation."
"No thanks." He said. "So what did she say?"
"This is the part where she really got me." Once again she closed her eyes in concentration. "She said, `say Harry is your future," Her hands began to move around as she related the rest of Trelawney's story, "if you went to him with no knowledge of what he's been through, would you truly understand him or would you merely…" she hesitated and took a deep breath, "would you merely pacify him while you pretend to understand." She looked into his eyes as she finished, "She said that in order to appreciate my future, I must be willing to endure the path that leads me there, with all its trials and tribulations."
"You were ready." Harry stated assuredly.
Hermione nodded. "I thought so." She said softly. "I told her I was. But she was right, Harry. I wouldn't have understood. If we fell in love without this happening, I would never truly understand you and what you've been through. This whole thing, even what we're going through now is a lesson, Harry; it's a lesson in patience, and understanding, and love. We may not appreciate it for what it's worth right now, but one day we will."
Harry nodded. "Someday, Hermione." He said. "Did she tell you why she was using me?" He asked curiously.
"Forgive me, Miss Granger, but I'd like to answer this if I may." Dumbledore interrupted. At her approval he looked at Harry. "You see, Harry, you have suffered your trials and tribulations and are ready to move on to find your happy ending. You are the perfect example of someone who deserves to move forward." He said. "That is not to say that Miss Granger does not deserve to find happiness, everyone deserves that. However, her subconscious mind is holding her back out of fear of having to face it alone. She has to overcome those fears or mentally she will be unable to move forward into the kind of happiness she desires; the kind she truly deserves."
Harry looked from Dumbledore to Hermione. "Yes." She answered. "That's true. She told me you were the perfect example. Then it was like she read my mind. She said that I was wondering if you were my future. And I was, Harry. I was wondering that. I never believed in her before."
Harry smiled bitterly. "What did she say, Hermione?" He asked softly. He hadn't yet told her that Professor Trelawney had been killed as well.
"She said that you were merely an example and that my future was my choice. It wasn't until much later that I realized you are my choice."
"Hermione, I have to tell you…"
"She's dead, too, isn't she?" Hermione interrupted him.
Slowly he nodded his head. "Yes." He said softly. "I'm so sorry."
She sighed deeply. "I won't cry again, Harry." She said suddenly. "Not again. Cho Chang will not get another tear out of me, damn it. She won't."
"Cho? What makes you think this has anything to do with Cho? Draco and Millicent were a result of Cho, but no one knows the facts about how Professor Trelawney was killed."
"You know how she died, don't you?" She asked Dumbledore.
"Her tea was poisoned." He said simply.
"Cho." She looked at Harry and shook her head. "Don't ask me how I know, Harry. But it was her, I just know it."
"Do you have the journal, Miss Granger?" Dumbledore asked. She nodded and reached for it. "May I have it for a moment?"
She made a move to hand him the journal and suddenly found herself unable to do so. She looked at Harry, who, like Dumbledore could do little but watch as struggled against herself for control.
"Hermione?" Harry asked gently.
"NO!" She yelled; her eyes now blazing. "Stay away from my journal. Do you hear me?" She said venomously. "Stay. Away. From. Me." She held the journal tightly to her side, as far away from them as she could. "Alone." She said, with slightly less vindictiveness.
"Very well, Hermione." Dumbledore said calmly. "When you have quite returned to yourself, I would recommend turning to the second to last entry. There you will find your answer."
"Hermione?" Harry said cautiously. "Can we look? Together, I mean. Can we look together at the entry?" He moved his hand to rub her arm. "It's okay, Hermione. Whenever you're ready."
His voice and touch combined to create a soothing balm in the midst of the chaos in her mind. She needed to fight. For him. For her. She nodded her head slowly and struggled to open the book as the emotions that were invading her fought to keep the secrets that lie within the pages of the journal…
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