Disclaimer: idea's that Rowling girl's.
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The one that he pushed away
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Summary: she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.
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Chapter XIV: the past can never be left behind
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Previously:
"Do you love him Lily?"
…
"I don't know."
"Damn it Lily," he yelled with an uncharacteristic frustration in his voice. "You do know and I know that you do, just admit it."
"I might," she meekly admitted, tear pouring down her face.
…
"Can you still be with him regardless of everything that you have been through?"
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Sunday morning
Marauder's residence
"Morning," mumbled an extremely groggy Lily as she threw herself onto the stool on the kitchen's island.
"Well, it's good to see that some things never change; you'll always be the worst morning person known to man," Sirius quipped.
"Shut up. How can you be so perky?" Lily groaned.
"Being annoying just comes naturally for him," Remus informed her as he placed a mug of coffee before her.
"Oh bless you, you are officially a god."
"Why Moony, how come you never told us that you're a god?" James asked as he walked into the kitchen.
"Because I wasn't aware of it."
"This coffee is amazing."
"At least she's low maintenance," Sirius jibed. However, that joke led to Lily throwing a loaf of bread at his head.
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch the hair!" he told her as he ran to the nearest mirror in the hallway.
"Oh Lily, Riley told me to tell you that he had an early meeting, but to call him if you're interested in lunch," Remus informed her
"So how long is he staying?" Sirius asked as he re-entered the room.
"About three weeks or so."
"Where do you know him from?"
"I thought that we finished with the interrogation last night."
"Come on just tell us," Remus attempted to goad her.
"That's it, I'm leaving," Lily announced as she got off her stool and left the room. She couldn't handle it; it just felt so weird to talk to Remus and Sirius about those things when they hadn't done so in so long, much less so in front of James.
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"Couldn't you guys just drop it? She made it perfectly clear last night that she didn't want to talk about it," James reprimanded them as soon as Lily was out of ear shot.
"Oh come on, you're actually telling us that you're not interested in knowing?"
"Yes, I don't need to know."
"Remus, be a good mate and back me up here."
"You're jealous aren't you Prongs?"
"No, I'm not."
"So you'd be okay with it if Lily and Riley started dating again?"
"What! Wait- yes- no- I guess that I'd have to be," James sputtered.
"You used to tell me how much you loved her, wanted her, and needed her. So tell me: why aren't you doing anything about it? What happened that changed your mind James?" Sirius asked him.
"I- I just decided that it's better that I don't try anything."
"Why did you change your mind?"
"Because it's better that way."
"For who?" Remus asked.
"For all of us, it's just better that way. Drop it. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. Nothing's going to happen so just stop with all of the inquisitions; they get old fast."
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Lily's room
"Riley, Riley," she yelled into the two-way mirror, hoping that he would be around to answer it.
"Yes, love?" Riley suddenly appeared on the other side.
"What do you say to lunch at one?"
"Sure, I'll be done with my meeting by then."
"What's it about?"
"I'm hoping to buy this muggle news paper."
"Okay, then I'll leave you to it. How does Thai sound?"
"Great, how about the muggle place by the record shop you took me to a few days ago?"
"You know for a pureblood, you sure are well-acquainted with all things muggle."
"Only for my favorite Sheila."
"Aw, you're making me blush," she laughed. "Okay, I'll leave you to our work, see you at one."
Once they both "hung up" she threw herself across the bed.
Knock, knock
She looked up to see Remus standing at the open doorway, "Come on in," she told him. "You know you don't have to knock when the door is already open."
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," he awkwardly apologized to her.
"For what?"
"For the Spanish inquisition earlier."
"It's okay; I should be the one asking for forgiveness anyway."
"No, you shouldn't."
"Yeah, I really should. No matter how much I may be over what happened I still find it hard to totally go back to how we were before."
"I was pushing it too hard anyway."
"Will we ever find a way back?"
"I don't know, but we'll try, that one's for certain."
There was an awkward silence; both were at a loss as to what to say given the situation.
"I hate this, not having anything to say," Remus blurted out. "It's so… not us. We always have something to talk about, even if it's the stupidest thing ever, we were always able to have hour long conversations about it."
"No need to get so cross Remmy," she teased him in a desperate attempt to alleviate the tension. "If you want to talk about something just pick a topic."
"Fine, tell me about Riley."
"I told-"
"I didn't mean about your romantic relationship, but how you know him."
"When I was in auror training I met this bloke named Finn, and he introduced me to Riley in my… second month in Sydney? Yeah, it was the second, I hadn't started showing yet so it definitely was."
"So what's the story with Finn and Riley?"
"Well Finn is like my drunken best mate that is like a brother to me, I can't imagine life without him."
Remus winced at her choice of words, he remembered a time when she would refer to him that way. He hadn't realized how much it hurt to not have her in his life for the past two years until that very moment. He had always missed her, but it wasn't until he heard about the guy that had replaced him in her life that the full impact of a Lily-less life actually hit him.
"And then there's Riley, he's a newspaper tycoon. Honestly, I thought that I would hate him when I met him, even his job sounded unbearably pompous. I was surprised when I met him and saw what a really down to earth guy he was… without Riley and Finn I don't know if I would have made it through those two years. I didn't receive the privileges of an all-expense paid nanny until my last seven months there. So for those first nine months of Harry's life I became extremely dependant upon Riley and Finn. They were always there for me, not only supporting me with the baby, but emotionally as well. They were always there for me, even when I felt like I couldn't go on, they would be the ones to help me wallow, sit by my side as they listened to me pour my heart out. They put up with me at my worst, pushing me to persevere so Harry could have a good life."
"You changed so much Lily."
"You tend to do that when you have a kid," she smiled as she reminisced over the good times she had in Australia.
"I know, but I didn't think that I was possible for you to become a better person than you already were, but you did… and al I can say is that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for having missed it, for not having been there, to be a part of it. I'm so thankful that you had Riley and Finn by your side to help you through it all."
"No self-pity Remus, I can't stand it."
"I know… I just want you to know that I'll do whatever I can, I'll find a way to deserve you Lily."
"You already do Remus. You still mean the world to me, it's just hard talking to you because it's impossible to go back to where we were, we have to build a new relationship."
"And Sirius and I are just pushing for the past."
"Yeah…"
"I'll try- we'll try, to make it easier on you. We never meant to make it difficult; we just thought that by recreating an atmosphere like before it might be easier."
"I know, and I really do appreciate it."
"He missed you the most you know, Sirius did. I've never seen him cry until he saw that you had left… you were his world Lily."
"Remus, please, don't," she cried.
"I know that it's not easy, I just need you to know, that he understood, he understood why you left, and he supported it. It hurt him to know that you left partially because of him, it broke him, he was a shadow for months… but he always supported you. He always wished that you'd find happiness," Remus got up from her bed to leave.
In between her sobs he heard her say "Thank you," as he was leaving.
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