Disclaimer: idea's that Rowling girl's.
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The one that he pushed away
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Summary: she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.
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Chapter IX: an analysis of the past
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Previously:
"Because he loves you."
"Just not enough to stop fucking other girls."
He was at a loss for words, how could someone respond to that? When it came to the bottom line she was right, he hadn't given it up.
Lily began wiping her tears away and separated from Remus to check her make up in the mirror, "Merlin, I look like a right bloody mess."
"No you don't, you always look amazing."
"Thanks, you're so sweet, but I should go, I have lunch plans with Sirius," se told him as she turned towards the door.
"Hey Lily," he called out suddenly as she was half way out the door. Once she turned around he told her, "You never told me if you were still in love with him."
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"In a way I guess that I do, but it's more that I love that connection that we had. We were able to talk to one another for hours on end and then he was also an amazing shag. I'm not in love with him anymore, I'm in love with what we could have been, I hate him for having put me through all of the pain that I had to endure, all of the heartbreak. I hate all of you for giving me hope, and I hate myself for being naïve enough to believe that he wanted to change," she told him before she turned to leave.
"I'm sorry," he called out.
At those words Lily visibly tensed, "I know that you are, and I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm going to need some time to be able to fully trust you again."
"I'll do whatever it takes, wait however long you may need me to, I screwed up, I deserve to have to work for our friendship."
"Bye Remus."
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Lunch with Sirius:
"So I have a question," Sirius told her as they sat in the restaurant waiting for their meals to arrive.
"Shoot."
"Did James come to you today, because I told him this morning?"
"Yeah, he did."
"Oh." They both sat in an awkward silence until Sirius finally asked, "so are you going to tell me what happened nor not?"
"Sirius, hasn't anyone ever taught you that patience is a virtue?"
"I've got enough of them," at that statement Lily no so gracefully snorted. "Now how about telling me what happened when he came by?"
"He came, we talked about Harry, then we talked about us, that's it."
"What about you two?"
"His undying love for me. Particularly how he refuses to meet my request that he doesn't make me fall in love with him again."
"So… what are you going to do?"
"What are my choices?"
"Well are you going to let him see Harry or not?"
"Of course I am, he knows now. It would be stupid to keep him from having a relationship with Harry; I'm just going to avoid James throughout the bonding process."
"So Harry isn't ever going to have any real family bonding time, you know, with his whole family present."
"I hate you."
"You know that I'm right," he smirked.
"Fine, I'll talk to him."
"That's all that I ask."
"Bloody wanker."
"Now that's not very nice,' Sirius reprimanded her.
"Here you go," the waiter said as he placed their food in front of them.
"Thank you," they both said to him.
`So how's life Lily?"
"I'd say that it's going well."
"Any special man in your life?"
"Not at the moment."
"Have you dated anyone since you had Harry?"
"Yeah, I've been in a few casual relationships and even in a serious one."
"How'd that go?"
"Lasted about eight months. What about you, any special lady in your life?"
"Um, no," he told her as she blushed.
"Come on Sirius, you can't still be the same playboy tat you were in Hogwarts, you must have matured at least a little bit."
"I'm not; I have definitely changed my ways."
"Then what is it? Why don't you have a girlfriend?"
"Well I doubt that my boyfriend would like it if I had someone on the side, much less a girl."
"Wait- what? You're gay?"
"Yeah, I've been dating this guy, Jason, for about a year now."
"Well I knew that Remus was- but- I thought- but- huh?" Lily sputtered.
"I don't know, I figured it out a bit later in life then most people do. By the time I figured it out when we were at Hogwarts it was too weird to tell anyone because they all saw me as this player. A straight player. I just didn't know how to tell anyone so I came out two days after graduation."
"When did you realize?"
"Summer before seventh year."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily asked with a hurt expression upon her face.
"I was scared- it freaked me out. You know that I never liked the thought of being different."
"Hate to break it to you, but technically you're not that different, a lot of people are gay. You should have come to me, told me, something like that was never important to me, all that ever mattered to me was what kind of a friend you were to me."
"Then I still screwed up."
"Yeah, you did," she said quietly, unable to deny the fact.
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Lily's apartment
3pm
"Hi Amber," Lily greeted the nanny as she walked into her apartment. "How is my big boy?" she gushed as she took a giggling Harry from the nanny's arms. "Do you know how much I missed you today honey?"
after spending a few minutes getting reacquainted with Harry Lily returned her attention to Amber, "listen Amber I'm really sorry to do this to you, but I am going to have to go back to the offices again at seven and I'll need you to stay because Harry's father is coming by, do you think there is any chance that you can do it? If not I can call someone else."
"Oh it's no problem, I had a date with triple chocolate chunk ice cream tonight anyway, not the most riveting of things."
"Thank you so much Amber. I'm so sorry that it's so last minute, but I just found out as I was leaving the office, I know that I should be back by eleven, is that okay?"
"Yeah sure. I'll go now and I'll come back in an hour if that's okay, my roommate needs some help picking out which pink for our bedroom."
"Okay sure."
"Bye."
As soon as Amber was out of the apartment she looked down at Harry who was in her arms, "don't let her goad you into joining her cult of the peppy people with the pink fetish. She may be a sweet girl, but don't be fooled, it's scary as hell and I will be forced to disown you if you become a part of it. now that we have that cleared how about we have lunch on the couch while watching quidditch?"
At that idea Harry squealed in delight, Lily smiled down at him, "you truly are the perfect son, I love how you adore quidditch at such a young age. I have nothing else I can ask of you, once you love quidditch at such a young age I know that I have given birth to the ideal child and can finally be proud of you," she teased him as she turned on the game.
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Lily's apartment
8pm
He tentatively knocked on the door; he still wasn't sure about how he should act around Lily, much less his own son.
Does this kind of thing really come as naturally as people say that it does?
The door opened to reveal a perky young girl, "hi, I'm Amber, the nanny. You must be James, Harry's father. I'm sorry, Lily won't be able to come tonight because she had to go back to the office last minute, but I'll be here to help you out with Harry," she told him as she escorted him to the living room.
James was shocked, to say the least. The girl was able to talk a mile a minute. It would be rather comedic if it wasn't so dreadfully annoying to listen to. How could Harry put up with such a chatter-box was beyond him.
"So, I'll just take you into Harry's room and leave you two alone, if you need anything feel free to call me."
He just numbly shook his head in accordance as she led him to a nursery room. It looked like something Lily would do, breeding a future Gryffindor. She'd already decorated the room to look like the Gryffindor common room save for the fact that there was a crib. She had always held a great deal of house pride, almost as much as him.
He looked at the boy in the crib; the boy looked back at him. It had become a staring contest, he didn't know how else to describe the situation.
"So you're Harry? You do look a lot like I did at you age you know. Only difference is that you have your mom's eyes, be happy about that, she always had the most beautiful eyes, everyone commented on them. They suit you well kid," he stood there shifting his weight from one foot to another. "This would be so much easier if your mother was here, I don't even know what to do, I can't shake your hand, and you sure as hell don't know what I'm saying. Is this by any chance as awkward for you as it is for me?"
Harry stared at him blankly. Finally he raised himself, supported by the railing. James could only assume that the action was his way of telling him that he wanted to be picked up, or at least he hoped so. James went over to him and picked him up.
Sadly for him, Harry threw up as soon as he was in his arms.
"You're a nasty little bugger aren't you?" James told him as he smirked at the boy.
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11pm
Marauders' residence
"So you finally got back? We've been waiting forever for you to finally get back so we could know how it went!" Sirius exclaimed once James apparated into the house.
"Sirius calm down it's only been three hours," Remus told him.
"So how'd it go?" Sirius asked as he ignored his friend's reprimanding.
"The boy is bloody brilliant. He got me to pick him up and as soon as I did he threw up on me!"
"Bloody hell, that's an early start! This has got to be the most advanced marauder in training ever!"
"Imagine all of the detentions he'll get if he keeps this up."
"He might beat our record James."
"Since when is that a good thing?" asked an incredulous Remus.
"Remus, we love you and everything, but you don't know jack when it comes to honor and the ways of the marauder," Sirius told him.
"It's true, you may have been one, but you will never truly comprehend how important it is that we pass on out talent to future talents," James agreed.
"You two are retarded."
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I'm sorry-
I didn't mean to be so harsh this morning. We should be on good terms, at the very least for Harry's sake.
How about dinner?
Tomorrow night, Luigi's, my treat…
Write back whenever you can,
Lily.
He was surprised when the letter had arrived; he hadn't expected any form of submission on her part, much less at midnight. Remus was right, she really had changed.
He didn't know what to do. He knew that she would tolerate him and even be around him whenever needing be. He couldn't help, but be excited about the prospect, but he also knew that she deserved better then him. It seemed as thought that entire he was ever good at was screwing up her life. He wanted to be that good guy, the guy that deserved her, the one that was her equal, but he didn't know if he could be that guy.
He held the coin in his hand, "heads, I give it another go. Tails, we become good friends, nothing more," he muttered to himself as he threw the coin in the air.
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Author's note: so which do you think that it is? Heads or tails?
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