A/N: I wanted to say that I woke up the other day ready to walk away from this story. It wasn't anything anyone said (everyone has been so nice) but after the loss of the twins, I guess I felt really awful. I can't really explain it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I was reading through all of the reviews from the last chapter, the quiet in the air, and I really was literally crying when I read the reviews. I love you all so much, the reviews are wonderful. I woke up this morning thinking I'd just stop writing this chapter (maybe it is the weather that is depressing). I have actually scrapped most of my first attempt at this chapter, as well as my second attempt (this is the third attempt, and the one I am sticking with). I needed to give the characters time to heal a bit from their ordeal. So, there is a huge gap of time that has passed. Oh, and the chapter is the longest one I have ever written. Sorry!
Warning: Sadness, co-bed sharing.
Disc.: I own what I created, and the rest is just lovingly borrowed.
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C41: Guilty Of
The rain was as steady as ever as it hit the window, the sound the only sound that resonated through the tiny flat near King's Crossing. It was late, maybe eleven or twelve at night, the air cold and warning of winter, yet for the inhabitants of the area, winter refused to come. Instead it rain steadily, drenching everything in a cold, damp rain that pierced the skin and froze the bones.
Lily huddled under her umbrella, her frame hidden beneath a large cloak. She walked in short, brisk steps as she avoided the large puddles and maneuvered the streets of London. She had been living here, in the flat, for nearly three months. It had been a choice she had made on the fly, and every day she walked into the door and was met with silence, she felt the pieces of her broken heart crumble a little more.
She held tight to the paper bag she carried with her. It was a gift of sorts from one of her co-workers at the restaurant she was working at during the evenings and night. She always headed there after her day job at the book store. It wasn't that she liked working two jobs, but it kept her busy and paid the bills. It also made her dead tired, too tired to think about things, things like the twins… and like James.
James, he had been so great after the twins' death. He took care of everything, made it so that Lily wouldn't have to worry about anything. He wanted her to just relax and heal. All noble things, the pressures he removed from Lily's shoulders, but she found healing in a house he had intended to make their home worse than everything else combined. To see his sad face when he thought she wasn't looking, than for him to plaster a look of normalcy when he looked at her, she knew she couldn't torture him any longer.
It was the hardest thing Lily had ever done, far harder than letting the twins go, letting go of what that monster did to her when she was captured. She turned to James after just a month of living in Godric's Hollow and told him that she was moving out. He had looked at her as if she had just stabbed him in the heart, and maybe she had. She didn't try to make him understand, she just gathered her things and moved into a flat in London.
She had chosen the flat that looked over King's Crossing because for her, it symbolized a place of change. The people were never the same as they came and went. She had first walked into that station and onto that platform each year a little less innocent than the year before. For her, King's Crossing represented change internally as well as externally.
The first days had been the roughest for Lily. She had second thoughts about her decision. Alice and Frank had tried to talk her out of it, tried to get Lily to see reason. Lily shook them off and showed them the door. She needed this, a time to heal alone. She had lost two very important people to her, and while on the outside she looked fine and physically she had healed, inside, Lily was shattered and broken.
A few times, Lily had wanted to go rushing right back into James' arms and beg for forgiveness. She blamed herself for the twins' death. If she hadn't insisted on the damn trip to Africa, if she hadn't insisted on a roughing-it safari in the Serengeti, maybe she'd be about thirty-three weeks along, nearly full term for a twin pregnancy. She couldn't believe so much time had already passed.
Lily climbed the steps of the building, stopping suddenly and looking over her shoulder. She was certain she felt eyes on her, and she looked but saw nothing on the street behind her. Shaking her head, she fished the keys from her purse and fitted the key into the lock. She opened the door and stepped in, stopping only long enough to close her umbrella and shake off the few rogue rain drops that seemed to have found their way to her.
Lily glanced back out the door before heading up to her apartment, entering with a swift tap of her wand to the lock. She had a key, for when the muggles were about, but this late at night she didn't bother with it. Most of the people in her building were old and didn't bother with checking to see what time she came in. Mainly they left her alone, and she naturally didn't bother them. She stood alone in her tiny living room, her eyes avoiding the picture on the mantle. Ever since Lily had moved out, the picture that once held her, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice, and Frank had changed. Picture Lily was always off to the side alone.
It wasn't that she wanted to be alone, quite the contrary, she just couldn't help but think she needed to be alone. She didn't want people walking around, feeling sorry for her. She could do that well enough on her own, and did. She couldn't make people stop, so she just pulled away from them.
Lily pulled her jacket off, hanging it on the coat tree by the door and removed her simple black shoes. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror, thinking she looked a little tired despite the attempt to cover up the dark circles under her eyes. She was sad, and she was numb. Slowly as she walked through her small flat, she unbuttoned her shirt and left her simple black skirt in a heap in the hall. The old Lily would have worried about wrinkles, but she didn't know the old Lily anymore.
Lily glanced at her reflection in the mirror over her dresser, purposefully not looking at her stomach, a remaindered more painful than the ultrasound pictures and mementoes she had locked away in a shoe box in the back of her closet. She didn't need her body reminding her yet again that she had failed. She was ambivalent about every decision she had made since she had found out she was pregnant.
On one hand, she had been spared the humility of having children out of wedlock. The children were technically never declared alive having never taken their first breath, therefore she was secretly thankful. It was that relief and thankfulness, that crept into her mind when she least expected it, that caught her off guard and filled her with guilt. She'd have no shame, having still born infants buried away from the sight of others. It was enough to kill her.
On the other, it was that guilt that stung her when she wasn't careful to keep herself guarded. She felt guilty for finding a positive in the loss of her babies. She secretly admitted, but only to herself, that the idea of being a mother terrified her. While she did not doubt James' ability to father the babies, she had great doubt in herself. It was enough to drive a person mad.
Lily pulled her nightgown on and slipped her slippers on her feet, carrying the paper bag across the small place, storing it in her refrigerator. As had all the other meals her coworker sent her along with, Lily would not eat but just a few bites. She lost her appetite when she lost the twins and needed little to satiate her on, just a few bites here or there and strong, black coffee with lots of sugar.
As she lay upon her bed, tucked under the covers, she looked at the window streaking with December rain, wondering secretly what James was doing right then. Had he taken her advice and started seeing anyone new. She closed her eyes for a second and brought him back into focus from that day in the grave yard. They had crossed paths, a few weeks after she had left. It had been awkward, and they found that they didn't have much to say to each other. She had kissed his cheek and told him that she was seeing someone new. It had been a lie, but she needed to know that she hadn't killed the old James Potter.
His happiness was worth the further destruction of her heart.
The rain danced on the rubbish bin outside of his window, and for a moment James thought about getting up and moving the blasted things. To do so, though, would mean he let go of the vision he was holding fast to in his mind. It was always the same lovely girl, Lily, her hair aflame in the setting sun. In his mind, James always had his arms around her tight, never wanting to let go. His tears had stopped for her that day in the graveyard. She had frozen his heart with her talk of someone new. He couldn't believe she could so casually tell him that she had moved on, there just feet from their daughters' grave. He shook his head and rolled to his side.
"Damn her," James growled into the silence that was the house at Godric's Hollow. "Damn every ounce of her being."
"Are you damning any `her' in particular, or the whole female race?" Sirius asked as he paused at James' open door. James as a young man had always slept with his door closed, but after Lily left, he always left it open should she wish to return to him. She may have moved on, but he couldn't. He had spent too many years trying to make her see that he loved her.
"Just her," James said as he rolled onto his back. Sirius stepped into the room, holding two drinks and two sandwiches. He joined James in bed, offering his best friend the other sandwich and drink, as if he knew.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius asked. James took a bite of the sandwich and shook his head.
"Nothing new to say," James said with a full mouth. "Same heartache, different day."
"Why don't you go talk to her?" Sirius asked. James swallowed and took a sip of the drink. He pondered
that a bit. He hadn't seen Lily since that day in the grave yard, and she had been radiant and beautiful. If some
other guy made her feel that way, who was he to take away her happiness by reappearing in her life.
"She's happier without me in her life," James said. Sirius shook his head.
"I doubt that," Sirius said.
"No, she is," James said.
"Again, I doubt that," Sirius said.
"She's seeing someone," James said emphatically.
"Says her," Sirius said. James rolled his eyes.
"She's over me," James said.
"You're pathetic," Sirius said.
"Hey," James countered.
"Well, I figure if you're having a pity party, then I'd jump on the train," Sirius said. He took an inhumanly large bite of his sandwich. "As it is, I doubt she's seeing anyone. She can't possibly have the time."
"Please tell me you haven't been following her again," James begged. Sirius shrugged.
"I won't tell you then," Sirius said. James sighed, knowing that he was a glutton for punishment.
"Tell me," James said.
"Nope, you said you didn't want to know if I ever did again," Sirius said.
"Come on, Sirius," James moaned. "Can't you see that I am miserable? Just put me out of my misery and let me die."
"I can see just fine that you are miserable, just like I know she is too," Sirius said. "She may not admit it, but losing you was probably the worst thing to ever happen to her."
"If that was true, why wouldn't she just come home?" James begged.
"I donno," Sirius said. "Maybe you should go ask her."
"She doesn't want to see me," James said. He pointed a finger at a large stack of letters. "The stupid owls keep coming back with those stupid letters."
"Make her talk to you," Sirius said. "Go down to her apartment and make her listen to reason."
"She's an adult," James countered. "If she wanted to see me, she'd just come see me."
"Lily can be pigheaded sometimes, even Alice says so," Sirius said. He paused a moment, uncertain if the sandwich was coming back up or a really large burp. Burping, he sighed. "Look, you're my best friend and a damn sight better of a brother than that other guy…"
"You mean your actual brother, Regulus?" James teased. Sirius shuddered.
"Yeah, that prick," Sirius said. He recollected his thoughts. "I just want you to be happy, and I know that's not going to happen until you and Lily get back together. I say march your skinny arse down to her flat, ring up her apartment, and get your girl back. She and you belong together."
"It's not that easy," James said.
"Yes it is," Sirius insisted. James shook his head.
"No, it's not," James insisted.
"What is the worst that could happen?" Sirius asked. James thought a moment.
"I could find her in bed with another man," James said. Sirius waited. "She could be in bed with Severus Snape, naked and tangled together, screaming in ecstasy, pregnant with his baby."
"Now that you've turned me off of any sex for a while, how likely is that?" Sirius asked. "Lily really wants to get married before she thinks about motherhood. The fact that it didn't work that way with you two is a hiccup of circumstance. As for Lily and Snape, not bloody likely! From what I hear, she hit him in the head with a tray to escape and since he's a Death Eater and she a muggle born, I really can't imagine hearing wedding bells with that one."
"The things you overhear as a dog," James laughed as he shook his head.
"Hey, there's that laugh I haven't heard in a while," Sirius said throwing an arm around James' shoulders. "I say go out there, try to get the girl, and be happy."
"And should she reject me?" James asked. Sirius shook his head.
"It's like when you were worried about asking her to marry you," Sirius said. "If she says no, you back away, lick your wounds, and try again another day."
"What is up with you licking wounds, anyways?" James queried. Sirius shrugged.
"It must be a dog thing," Sirius said. An evil smile crossed his face. "You should see what else I can lick as a dog."
"Ugh! No, thanks," James said shaking his head as he laughed.
It took James several days and a lot of coaching from his friends for him to stand outside her building. He felt a surge of panic, wondering what he was going to encounter in her place. He had never actually been to it, uncertain that he wanted to know what the inside looked like for fear it would haunt him like she did. He took a deep breath and mashed the button to her apartment.
"Come up," Lily called merrily. James heard the door buzz and he jerked it open. It had been part of the plan. Alice and Lily were going to go out for the day, or at least that was what Lily thought when she agreed.
James climbed two stairs at a time, and knocked on the door. Lily called from somewhere back in the back of the apartment. James remained silent as he opened the door and pushed his way in. He looked around her apartment his heart constricting as he saw how she had made this place her home so quickly. The house at Godric's Hollow still looked abandoned, despite living in the house longer than she had been in the apartment.
"Alice, can you come and look at this, please," Lily called. James followed the sound of her voice and stepped behind her in the bedroom. Lily was dressed in panties and a bra, peering under her bed. "I think there is a giant spider under the bed. Do you think it is poisonous?"
"Uh," James said unable to think clearly. Lily glanced over her shoulder, unable to hide her surprise that he was standing there. She straightened up and summoned her robe, tying it around her waist.
"James, I wasn't expecting you," she said quickly.
"I, uh," James stumbled and failed to find the words he was looking for. Lily couldn't help but smile.
"Always one with the pretty words," Lily teased gently. "I'd guess that Alice had a hand in this."
"Yeah, she was one of many," James said. Lily shook her head.
"Always meddling," Lily said. She looked at him. "So I guess that you and I are spending the day together then."
"Yeah," James said. Lily looked at him expectantly.
"Um, unless you want me running around in my robe, I need to get dressed," Lily said. James hesitated and nodded.
"Right," James said. He gestured toward the living room. "I'll just go wait in the living room."
"Help yourself to anything in the refrigerator," Lily said as she closed the door over.
"Is the boyfriend going to be mad that you're going out with me today?" James asked. He cringed, waiting for the answer.
"Nope," Lily said lightly as she dressed. She stepped out of the bedroom, her hair up and her sweater tight around her. "Hey, is it still raining?"
"Yeah," James said. "Cold, wet rain."
"Figures," Lily said. "I was kind of hoping for a snowy Christmas."
"What are you doing for Christmas?" James asked. Lily looked up from where she was tying her shoes.
"I've not decided yet," Lily said. She stood and began pulling on her coat.
"Are you worried about my planning our date?" James asked. Lily laughed lightly.
"You don't exactly have the greatest track record," Lily said. James raised an eye brow at her and smiled slightly.
"Hey, everyone makes a mistake now and again," James said. "And everyone should get a second chance."
"Perhaps," Lily said as she pulled her coat on. "Lead on Mr. Potter."
"Anything you say, Mrs. Potter… er, I mean Ms. Evans," James said blushing. "Sorry, slip of the tongue."
"Hmm," Lily said grinning. "Maybe later."
While they could not erase the history together, they were able to sit and talk as friends. James realized how much he really missed Lily and though she never said it, he had a feeling that she missed him too. They sat, drinking coffee, talking when a guy walked up and was greeted enthusiastically by Lily. The two hugged, chatting with each other. Remembering James was there Lily turned and introduced the two men.
"James, this is David Gray, we lived near each other in the old neighborhood," Lily said. "David, this is James Potter, my… uh… friend."
"Hey, great to meet you," David said cheerfully as he shook the other man's hand. James couldn't help but feel put off by the way that Lily had categorized him. He wasn't just a friend.
"You, too," James forced.
"So, Lily. Did you and Severus tie the knot?" David asked. Lily shook her head.
"No, actually he and I kind of just grew apart," Lily said.
"Really, huh. I wouldn't have every guessed from the way you two went about the summers together," David said. "So then, I guess no children then?"
"Uh, no," Lily said forcing a smile. "You?"
"Yeah, one, a boy named David, naturally," David said. He checked his watch and held up the bag he was holding. "Actually, I should be getting this to him. It was great to see you again! We should get together and catch up properly. You have my number?"
"No," Lily said. David scribbled his number on the napkin and handed it to Lily.
"Melanie is going to be so excited to hear I ran into you," David said laughing. "We all always used to joke that Sev and her were spies of sorts, the way you two were so elusive to your posh boarding school. We always knew it had to be elite if Petunia couldn't get in."
"Yeah, well," Lily said shrugging. David waved and left.
"So, I'm just a friend now?" James asked quietly. Lily looked at him, uncertain.
"I… I don't know what you are to me anymore," Lily said biting her lip a second before she took a sip of her coffee. "I just didn't want to get into details about this, us."
"Ah," James said as if he understood exactly what she was talking about, which he didn't. It didn't seem complicated. They were in love, they had children, and the children hadn't lived. It seemed fairly simple. Still, James kept quiet.
"Um, so… I've had a great night," Lily said as she stood. "But it's getting late, and I don't want to stay out too late."
"Uh, ok," James said as he rose. Lily went to put some money on the table and he shook his head, beating her to it. Lily paused before nodding and putting the money away. She started to walk away but stopped.
"Aren't you going to walk me home?" Lily asked as she looked back at him. James nodded and ran to join her.
The two of them headed out of the coffee shop, not saying much as they walked along the streets. Lily casually glanced in the windows of the shops between the coffee house and her building, the twinkling lights of Christmas all around them. Lily had her arms around her body, trying to starve off the cold that seemed to be stretching between her and James.
"James," Lily started. She stopped, a few blocks from her apartment. She turned to look at him, the two of them standing under a light post waiting for the signal to walk.
"Yeah," James said quietly.
"I don't know why things are so weird between us," Lily said quietly. She looked at him like she wanted to say more, but she remained quiet.
"Me neither," James admitted. He glanced up. "Hey, it's snowing."
"Really?" Lily asked looking up. The rain had stopped and it had begun to snow, huge fat snowflakes. Lily let a smile cross her face as the enormous snowflakes came down in chunks. James laughed at the snow clung to everything, eager to stick. It was coming down in huge chunks of snow, almost as if God was throwing snowballs at them.
"We should make a run for it," James said taking her hand. He took off down the street, holding tight to Lily's hand. She kept up, shaking the snow out of her face. The two carefully ran up the stairs to Lily's flat and were properly coated with snow by the time Lily pulled out her key.
"Snow's a good look for you," Lily said as she reached over and rustled James' hair free of the snow. He loved the way her hand felt in his hair and he was disappointed when she pulled away. He nodded and the two took the stairs to her apartment. Once inside, they removed their coats, and shoes, the soaking wet garments dripping from the quickly melting snow. Lily's apartment was welcoming and warm, and James felt a stab of sadness.
"Ah, well, I probably should go," James said suddenly. Lily looked at him, and for a moment he swore he saw disappointment.
"You don't want to warm up a bit?" Lily asked, offering short of begging. James wanted to stay, he did. He missed her so much, and every moment he could get with her was like a gift. He needed to be with her. She was the breath in his lungs and the beat of his heart.
"Maybe just for a minute," James countered. Lily nodded, thankful.
She excused herself for a moment to change into dry clothes. He paced her living room, looking at the pictures she had up. One picture they had taken together at Hogwarts stood out. It was them near the wishing fountain. They had been in each other's arms, greatly in love. Now they just sat alone on the edge of the fountain, looking quite miserable. It was then he realized it. She was as miserable without him, just as he was without her.
"Hey, I thought you'd like some dry clothes to wear," Lily said reemerging from her room carrying a stack of clothes. He looked over at her, standing there with her hair now down. The waves of her still damp hair seemed to beg him to touch them, her shirt hugged her waist, and her sweat pants tempted him to explore.
"Thanks," James said as he slowly walked over to her. His eyes met hers, and he smiled taking the clothes.
"I can't very well have you catching a cold. No one would ever let me live it down," Lily said quietly, and for a second James thought he heard guilt in her voice.
"I'm a big boy," James teased as headed toward the bathroom.
"Go ahead and change in my room. The bathroom is rather small," Lily said. James headed straight back into her room, closing the door over slightly.
"Where did you find clothes that fit me?" James asked, not certain he wanted to hear that they belonged to her boyfriend. He felt his stomach clench painfully. She was dating, as he should be. What would the new boyfriend think to James wearing his clothes?
"They're yours," Lily said, settling the concept in James' mind. "They ended up in my stuff and I've been meaning to get them back to you. I just guess I couldn't bring myself to."
"Why not?" James asked as he slid the wet clothes off. It felt odd standing there in a room that he knew Lily would stand naked in every night, and not be allowed to share that vision of her.
"I don't know," Lily called as she moved away from the door. He heard her messing around with something somewhere deep within the apartment. The clothes fit as well as ever. James stepped out of her bedroom, his clothes balled up in his arms. She was squatting in front of the small fireplace, poking it with a poker.
"You know," James said as she glanced over at him. "I could do that, if you want."
"Ok," Lily said as she stood and stepped over to him. She held out her arms for his wet clothes and simultaneously traded the wet clothes for the fire poker. She carried them to the washing machine, dropping them in before she measured out the detergent and set the machine to wash.
She sat down on the couch, watching as James poked and prodded the fire until it was roaring and warm. She smiled at him and he hesitated before joining her on the couch. For a few minutes, they sat there silently shoulder to shoulder while they sat there. James didn't think; he just put his arm around Lily. They didn't talk, just remained there, James' arm around Lily and Lily tucked against James.
"I miss you," James said quietly.
"I miss you too," Lily confessed. James tilted her face back a little, looking at her in the eyes.
"I'm not seeing anyone, and not because I can't, but because I don't want to," James confessed. He saw the way she seemed to struggle internally. "I love you Lily, and I intend to get you back. If that means I have to fight off your boyfriend, I'll do it."
"You don't," Lily said almost breathlessly. "I lied to you. I just didn't want you to hurt because of me."
"Because of you?" James asked.
"If I hadn't insisted on going to Africa, things would have been different," Lily said quietly. James felt as if he had been hit by a ton of brick, realization flooding over him.
"You blame yourself for the girls, don't you?" James asked. Lily nodded. He shook his head. "Lily, it was an accident. There was nothing to keep it from happening. They just weren't meant to be. You didn't do this, so you can't blame yourself. Shit just happens."
"James, you don't understand," Lily struggled. She moved to distance herself and James. He held her back, refusing to let her get further than an arm's length from him.
"Explain it to me," James begged.
"I can't," Lily said. He kissed her, despite her tears. He held her face in his hands, his mouth pressed against her mouth. She hesitated a moment before she kissed him back.
"I love you," James told her as he pulled away for a moment. "I will never leave you, and I won't sit back and let you blame yourself for something that was out of our hands."
"So, where do we go from here?" Lily asked.
"I say the bedroom," James said grinning. Lily rolled her eyes. "Hey, I meant to sleep. Why must you always take these things to a dirty place in your mind?"
"I do not," Lily said lightly slapping his shoulder as she climbed up from the couch.
"Where are you going?" James asked.
"Um, to the bedroom," Lily said pointing at the bedroom. "Are you coming?"
"Yeah," James said rising and following her. "Look, Lily, I know that things aren't going to be perfect between us, but I am willing to work on it if you are."
"I am," Lily said as she pulled the covers back. The two of them climbed into bed, intending just to sleep next to each other. They were silent, each on their own side. Suddenly James hugged Lily tightly, making her laugh.
"I've just really missed you," James said.
"I've missed you too," Lily laughed as she remained in his arms.
"So, I guess you get to tell your friend from the coffee shop that I am more than just your friend, James Potter," James said. Lily murmured and nodded.
"Yup," Lily sighed. "You're arms feel so safe."
"Lily, I'm never going to let anything bad happen to you," James promised quietly in the dark. "You're my life."
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