Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 10: Of Sherry and Control
Freaks
Date Begun: Thursday, June 10, 2004
Date
Finished: Monday, June 14, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22,
2005
You were everything I wanted…and now I don't know if everything is what I want.
--Anonymous.
……
Recap:
"Get out," he said, throwing her own words back in her face.
"But-"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
She stumbled backwards, towards the kitchen and towards the door. He stopped yelling suddenly, his face pale, and she opened the door quickly as he left her sight. She slammed it shut angrily and kicked the side of the house.
She was wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt, and it was below freezing. She wasn't even wearing a bra.
She quickly felt in her pocket and sighed when she recognized the feeling of her wand in her hand. She walked down the road a little ways, looking back at the house, perhaps to see whether James had changed his mind or not.
She hoped so. He had her favorite bra.
She chanced one more look at the house and began to worry. Surely he would come out and say yes, he was very angry, but she could come back in?
With nothing else to do, Lily fished some silver out her pocket and held out her wand hand for the Knight Bus.
……
Lily supposed that she had just let herself get too attached to him.
She was a hormonally driven teenager; she liked the way he kissed her and the way he touched her. There was no other reason she had to want to be back in James's house, in that bed-preferably with a wholly naked messy-haired boy by her side.
"He's nothing special," she told herself firmly. "I've got a hot boyfriend whom I'm going to shag. I'll wing it and it'll be fine."
Ha, said a voice in her mind
"Oh, shut up."
It was just five o'clock and Lily was in severe need of a stress reliever. She went to her father's cabinet and, looking around shiftily as if expecting someone to jump out at her, grabbed a bottle of sherry and a glass. She tipped the bottle and poured some of the drink into the glass, then dropped heavily down into the chair and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.
"You've got to do something," Lily said shakily, aloud. She looked at the cup in front of her and took a sip of the sweet beverage, sighing. "Think-think!"
She could conceivably break up with Vince-
Hold on just a moment. Lily sat up straight at the mere thought of breaking up with Vince. Of course she had thought about it before-how could she not, with the things he sometimes said to her?-but why on earth would she want to break up with Vince now? James was wonderful, she would freely admit that, but there was no way he would date her. She had seen the type of person James used to be-that person had to still be in him somewhere. If she broke up with Vince now, just when she was getting into this-thing with James, she was sure she would regret it later. If she broke up with Vince…she would have to accept that there was another reason her housemates did not like her, and she was nowhere near ready for that.
But James…Lily had finally seen someone who really seemed to like her, despite the fact that they were only supposed to be shagging. If she broke up with Vince now she could….
She almost knocked over her glass when someone banged on the door. The doorbell pealed several times and she winced at the shrill sound, jumping to her feet and hurrying out of the kitchen.
"I'm coming!" she called, maneuvering her way through her house. She had let herself in with the key, because her parents would never know. She would be gone by the time they got back from their trip, and they would be none the wiser. It was quite convenient, although Lily missed her mother and father dreadfully. Her sister she could live without-but not her parents.
She swung open the door irritably and froze.
James stood on her front stoop, shivering. She stepped aside to let him in and shut the door behind him, shell-shocked.
"I've been up all night looking for you," he rasped, before clearing his throat several times. "I tried all of the Hollow-then I went back to Hogwarts-I even considered going to Malfoy's and risking the consequences. And here you are-in your house-where you should be."
Lily blinked. "I…"
"Look, Evans. You were out of line, but so was I-"
"Well, yes, but-"
"-and you can't stay here by yourself. It's Christmas-"
"Potter-"
"-so you're coming back. I swear-it'll be just…business. I swear. I'll fuck you and that's it."
It sounded much cruder coming from his mouth than hers when he talked about it. She swallowed, thinking about how she had just considered dating him, going out with him-and here he was, telling her he just wanted to shag.
Lily took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I can't come back. I can't face your mother. God-I don't know what happened to me, but I can't go see her."
"She'll be fine-you can talk it out with her. But you can't stay here by yourself. It's Christmas Eve today."
"Potter-"
"Look, Lily. You're coming back to my house, and that's that. You understand?"
Lily frowned. "Well-I suppose. But I can't stay for the New Year's party. Vince…if he's there, or even his brother…I just couldn't do it."
James sighed, hesitation clear on his face. "Fair enough. You want to do this right now?"
"Do what?"
"Merlin and Agrippa, Evans, you're too slow-"
"Oh," she exclaimed. "That? Here?"
"What, you want to shag at my house? My mother'd probably go bonkers. Even if we think we could hide it. I know she said not to but we will anyways. At least let your first time be here."
Lily winced. "Well…" The idea of their bodies straining together on her childhood bed-in this house where such an act was decidedly forbidden, was deliciously sinful, but it was also so wrong.
"Come on," Potter said briskly, taking her arm and leading her up the stairs. "Which room is yours?"
Lily pointed and he opened the door, leading her in and shutting it. He took a moment to look round and her peach colored walls and the matching coverlet, the royal blue carpet, and the old but polished cherry-wood furniture. He turned to her, his momentum seemingly lost. "Er…take off your clothes."
Lily stared at him.
He waved a hand in front of her face. "Evans? Take off your clothes."
She opened her mouth to protest but snapped it shut, because really, he was only here to shag her, and that was it. There did not need to be anything sweet about it-there did not need to be anything that gave her more pleasure than him, because she was learning how to shag-Vince, just Vince. All the same, she hesitated before unbuttoning her shirt in quick movements. She let it fall to the floor.
James did not look at her; he was too busy removing his own clothes. He threw them in a heap on the pretty carpet and glanced up at her. She played with the clasp of her bra, not entirely sure she should undo it. James looked a little uneasy now, too. He cleared his throat and pointed to the bed. "You should…lie down."
She tentatively sat down on the bed and lay back on the unmade sheets, resting against the pillows, watching him sit down next to her, clad in only his boxers. He leaned over her and kissed her, almost mechanically. Lily shut her eyes and tried to think of anything else, but she could not. James crawled over and settled down next to her, drawing one of her legs over his hip and moving against her, lifting her skirt to a scandalous height. She gasped against his cold mouth.
"Okay," he said coolly, not out of breath at all, as she was, "try to touch me."
She reached out a hand and touched his shoulder, dragging her nails down diagonally across his chest and down to his navel. James's eyes closed halfway and he made a sound in the back of his throat, a sound that made her nearly explode with desire.
She ran her fingers lightly, gently, unsurely over the warm skin above the waistband of his boxers, feeling him press even closer and wiggle his fingers into the tops of her knickers. With one quick tug, he slid her knickers down over her hips and down to her ankles. She kicked out of them and they fell off the foot of the bed.
He met her eyes and did not look at her body, simply sliding a hand down her leg and massaging her thigh. The look in his eyes was calculating, cool, and it was also rather insulting. "Please…" she whispered, wanting desperately for him to show some sign of passion, some sign of desire.
He gave her no answer, leaning down to take her mouth again. This time there was something slightly different-something at least human, and then Lily broke away. James bent forward but she stopped him by putting a hand on his chest and pushing him away. "James-stop."
He rolled his eyes and did stop, pulling back and resting his hands on the bed. Lily looked at him carefully, not entirely sure what she wanted to say.
"I-I'm not so sure this is a good idea," she began.
James's response was immediate. "What do you mean, it's not a good idea?" His back stiffened.
"This," Lily said vaguely, waving a hand around. "Us."
"There isn't really an `us,' Lily," James said wryly.
"We're together right now," Lily replied tiredly, "and that makes an `us.'"
James sighed. "Fine. Us. What about us?"
Lily shifted her legs, smoothing her skirt into place. "I reckon I just…it's not like I thought it would be."
"How did you think this would go?" James asked quietly.
"To be truthful-I couldn't tell you! I don't know what I thought this would be like but it's nothing like what I expected. If it was, I wouldn't be so shocked by all of this."
"By all of what?" James probed.
Lily voice, when it came, was low and ashamed. "By what I'm feeling."
She would never really be able to vocalize the expressions that stole over James's face right then. Not joy-not horror-not disgust-a mixture of sympathy and pity, perhaps, but for whom, she did not know. She did know that his face soon took on a slightly ominous color-yes, a color, and that she knew he was going to start in on her.
"If you weren't sure about this and how you were going to feel," he told her darkly, "then you shouldn't have acted like a bloody whore and asked me to do this, then told me to stop. That's a bit fucked up, Lily-you don't have any clue what you're doing with your life, do you? I mean-you've got Malfoy and you're perfectly ready to be a slag from him-but really, past that, you're nothing special."
Lily thought she now knew what Sabia Potter must have felt like when Lily had insulted her. A slap in the face could have hurt less. She looked down at her hands, struggling to breathe. James's uncalled for comment left a bad knot in the air between them, and all Lily could do was breathe harshly as she tried to formulate a response. She had said some bitchy things before, but she did not think she had ever hurt anyone as much as James had just hurt her in this one moment.
"Maybe," she finally said, raising her head and meeting his eyes defiantly. "But at least I'm not really a whore and worse-I could be making myself into a slag for your happiness instead of Vince's."
Had she seriously considered breaking up with Vince for this? James was just as bad…!
"And furthermore," Lily said, quite formally and proud of herself for it, "while I'm still not perfectly clear about how I feel, at least I know you aren't…at least I know that…"
"You know what?" James mocked.
"At least I know that I'm not going to give up a good thing for an unsure bet," she finished, biting her lip.
James shook his head, smiling slightly, and bent forward again; this time, he succeeded in kissing her warmly, his hands sliding into her hair with no hesitation. Lily would have like to bite his tongue, but when he was kissing her so nicely it was a little hard to do so. She knew that at some point they would have to deal with the fact that he thought her a whore, but there was nothing for it but to continue now.
There was the rustling of wings in the room and Lily gasped against his mouth, pulling away and looking up at the owl, which dropped a letter on her face. Lily sputtered, grabbed the letter, and tore it open, scanning it while James's mouth rested lightly against her neck.
Hello, Lily. Lucius went to Hogwarts today and imagine his surprise when-looking for you to give you a note from me, he found that you weren't there! I was quite shocked you see, but I'm sure there's an explanation. I supposed I'll come over to you house to see around half five today, all right?
V
Lily gasped and sat up, rolling away from James and falling to the ground. The clock read twenty-six past five.
"What's wrong?"
"Vince is coming," she hissed, yanking her skirt down and smoothing out the impossible wrinkled. She found her shirt and buttoned it with trembling fingers, her eyes widening when the clock ticked on minute by. Vince was hardly ever late.
"Lily?"
"Shut up!"
She was missing her knickers. She got down on her knees and looked under the bed then on the floor near the end, but she could not find them.
"Lily?"
"Hold on!"
Her hands were trembling. If Vince found James in here…she did not want to think about it. She banged her head on the bottom of the bed as she jumped up and squeezed her eyes shut in pain, rubbing the back of her head.
"Evans!"
She brought her glare up to James's level. "Alright, James. What is it?"
Twenty-eight past five.
"Come here."
"Why?" she whined, stepping closer. He pulled her in by the hips and patiently unbuttoned her haphazardly fastened shirt, then buttoned each button up again, matching them with their proper holes. His fingers brushed against her skin with each completed button and Lily could not stop herself from running her hands through his hair just once. James finished and drew his hands down along the sides of her thighs.
"Alright, Lily?" he asked softly, looking up at her.
This was his way of apologizing for what he had said before. Lily tried not to forgive him but found herself agreeing with James anyways.
One minute! Lily gave up on her knickers and gently extricated herself from James's delightful grasp. She held a finger over her lips and looked at James, who was done being apologetic and was smirking. She pulled open the door and smoothed her hair, motioning for him to hide under the bed, or do something helpful.
She heard the door open downstairs and cursed herself for leaving it open. James opened his mouth to say something but she drew her hand across her throat in a jerky fashion, telling him to cut it out.
"Lily?" Vince's voice carried upstairs and Lily took a deep breath.
"I-I'm here!" she said hoarsely. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?"
She shut the door to her bedroom and ran down the steps, coming face to face with Vince, who leered. "I let myself in," he said impatiently.
Lily cast about for something to say. "How did you know I was here?"
He didn't answer, but he leaned forward and kissed her harshly, putting his hands on her hips and running them down the sides of her thighs. Lily shuddered, James having done just that seconds ago.
"Did you get my letter?"
"Oh, yes." Lily laughed nervously and tried not to glance upstairs. "My parents said I should come home because Petty wanted some alone time with Vernon and they might be back. I suppose they trust me enough not to do that." She nodded towards the bottle of sherry on the table.
Vince wrinkled his nose. "Muggle rubbish?" he asked, avoiding touching anything. Lily was extremely affronted but for once, decided not to show it. He just needed to leave or James would…do something stupid.
"Well," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear and leaning away from him "Why are you here?"
Vince surveyed her posture, her hair, her clothes, and he frowned. "How can you wear those rags?"
Lily tried to keep her temper in check. "Why are you here, Vince?"
"I mean really, if you're going out with someone like me, you might as well dress better-"
"Why are you here?" she burst out loudly.
"Because I heard you were at Potter's," he snapped back, finally losing his temper.
"If you think," she said levelly, lifting her chin, "that I, for even one second, would go to James Potter's house, then you're mad. And you need help."
"If I was with you, would you mind going to his house?"
Lily was about to furiously say no, but then she paused. "What?"
"The Potters host the Ministry Holiday Party every year. You're coming-I want you to come with me."
"No," she said immediately.
"Why?" he demanded. "Did you get in a fight with him? Is that why you're here instead of at his house?"
This was so close to the truth that Lily faltered, and Vince saw it. She pulled him close and kissed him deeply to distract him, breaking away and saying, "I'll come, all right?"
"Wear a dress," he added.
"Of course…"
"And-"
He was cut off by the shrill ringing of the telephone. Lily went over and picked up the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Is Marianne there?" asked a gruff voice on the other end.
And quite suddenly, Lily got one of those ideas.
At least it would get her boyfriend out of her house so she could keep him from finding out about her would-be shagging partner.
"Mum?" she asked, flicking a glance at Vince.
"Huh? I asked if Marianne was there."
"You're coming home right now?" she asked.
"Listen-if you're playing with me-" said the man with the unique voice.
"Oh…is it okay if my friend is over, from school?"
"What in bloody hell is going on?" asked the gruff-voiced man.
"Not allowed? But Mu-um…"
"That's it."
The person on the other end of the line slammed down the phone. "Goodbye mum," Lily said. "I love you."
She hung up and turned to Vince. "My parents are going to be here soon. You've got to leave."
"Lily-"
"No. If I get in trouble with my parents I'm dumping you."
Vince paled. "All right. I'm leaving." He leaned forward and kissed her. Lily kissed him back just as hard, then broke away and showed him to the door. Again, she noticed, he refused to touch anything.
"Bye," she said.
"Bye. I'll come get you so I can take you to-"
"No," Lily said, her heart racing. "I'll get my friend to take me."
Vince laughed. "You don't have any friends, Lily."
Lily glared at him. "There's a girl in my dorm named Rebecca who I'm friends with. I'll see you at the fucking party, okay?"
Vince stalked off without another word and Lily shut the door, drained. She heard a step on the stairs and looked up, seeing James in only his boxers.
"Oh," she said dispassionately. "It's you."
"No, it's the other bloke you've got up there that you're hiding from your boyfriend. He's a little control freak, isn't he?"
Lily was going to deny it, but Vince acted so much like a spoiled child sometimes that she had to agree.
"You just…shut up," she said lamely. "And hand me my knickers. I see you holding them." He threw them to her and she slipped into them, smoothing her skirt back into place. She looked up at him. Whatever had happened upstairs was done now. "So now what?"
James grinned slowly. "You want to get my mum an apology present?"
……
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