Unofficial Portkey Archive

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 20: Of Stalking and Storming
Date Begun: Sunday, November 21, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, November 29, 2004
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005

……

[Rest in Pieces, by Saliva]

……

She noticed that Vince was watching her closely and raised both eyebrows. "This is Potter's house? You'd expect it to be bigger than Hogwarts, the way he carries on!"

Vince relaxed slightly and stepped forward, reaching for the doorknob. Lily shut her eyes tightly and waited for his yell as the shock hit him, but nothing happened. He held out an arm to Rebecca and then one to Lily. Each girl rested a palm lightly on his forearm as they continued outside. Lily held back her instinct to lead the way so it seemed like she had no idea where she was going.

Vince led them to the door of the cellar and they continued into the well-lit, magnificent room. Lily's breath caught in her throat as they began to descend the stairs. The room was decorated so beautifully she could hardly stand it. She looked at Vince instead.

"Tonight." His voice was deep, low, and suggestive; fear lanced through her. She shook her head slightly.

"No. When we get back to school."

Vince grinned as they veered to the right at the bottom of the steps and he released both girls. "The train." Despite the fact that he was smiling, there was a world of ice and determination behind his words. Lily knew there was no way she could avoid this conversation. It had to be had.

No! Lily's mind cried, but she forced the thought away. It had to happen, even though she was greatly opposed to the idea.

Dear God, Lily thought. Have I…admitted that I don't want Vince anymore?

She had admitted just that. The only problem was that it was impossible to have James now: not when things were so decidedly unstable.

No matter. Vince was as good as anyone else, she supposed, ignoring the niggling voice that said, Besides James. "I'll give you something on the train," she breathed in Vince's ear, before smiling and stepping away, her face innocent. Vince swore violently.

"Tease," he accused her quietly, so Rebecca would not hear, and Lily just smiled, thankful for all James had told her, although there was really nothing she could give him on the train because she and James had never gotten to that. "Lily-where'd she go?"

Lily looked around. Rebecca was gone. "I…don't know."

Something dark crossed his patrician face, but then he shrugged and he was as fair as winter again. He looked around, bored. "Oh, there's Potter Senior. We've got to say hello. Propriety and all that."

Lily froze. "No-how about you do that and I stay here. I don't want to meet Potter's bloody father-or his mother!"

Vince shook his head. "No, you've got to come. Otherwise you'll look…churlish."

"Vince, I'm sure they don't want to see me! I'm Muggleborn."

What the hell? Lily thought, amazed at her own lack of creativity. Please tell me he isn't actually going to fall for that…

He did, after a fashion. Vince snorted. "Don't worry. The fuckers are Muggle-lovers."

Lily smiled wryly. "How sad for them, to respect Muggles as human beings," she said, her voice laden with sarcasm.

Vince rolled his eyes. "Oh, I know you don't really care. Come on, let's go! I'm not getting yelled at for not paying my respects to the bloody hosts. Even though they do hold this thing for Potter's birthday. Imagine being born on this day."

"It's Potter's birthday?" Lily asked nonchalantly as Vince dragged her along. She was still smarting from his remark about her not caring for her heritage. She saw James and met his eyes for one jarring moment before Vince pulled her out of his line of sight.

"Yeah. Stop moving so slow. Why don't you want to meet them?"

Lily suddenly caught sight of James, who was glancing at her and speaking quickly to his mother as they walked over to Clark. He must have raced across the room to get to her.

Oh, this was going to be fun. Lily followed Vince, her heart beating erratically in her chest and her breath quickening. What was she going to do? Her eyes darted around to find a means for escape but there was none available. She would have to stick it out with his parents.

"Good Evening, Mr. and Mrs. Potter. Thank you so much for inviting my family and I. May I present Lily Evans, my guest for the evening?"

Thank God she didn't have to curtsey. Lily smiled tremulously and met Clark and Sabia's confused, disappointed eyes. They glanced at their son before Clark held out his hand for her to shake. Lily took it.

"It's nice to meet you," she said quietly, and then took Sabia's proffered hand, feeling James's mother squeeze her hand tightly before taking it away. "Thank you for letting me be here."

"It's our pleasure," James cut in silkily, making the remaining group of four look at him. "Thanks for deigning to show your faces. Both of you. Actually-thanks for having the nerve-"

"James, perhaps you should go talk to Sirius. He seems rather set on spiking the punch," Mrs. Potter hastily said, widening her eyes slightly at James.

James glared at his mother and then at Lily and Vince before turning and walking away briskly. Lily gritted her teeth and smiled without showing her teeth.

"I apologize," Clark said formally, although Lily detected a hint of pride in his voice. "James is very….set in his convictions. He doesn't change his mind very easily."

Lily looked at Clark and winced when she saw he was staring right at her. She met his eyes cautiously and managed to smile. "That alright. Thank you again. The Hall is…beautiful."

There was an awkward silence before Sabia stepped forward and nodded. "I'm sure that's quite a compliment, coming from someone as lovely as you, Miss Evans."

"Lily, please," Lily replied before Vince led her away.

Sabia and Clark watched them leave, and then looked at each other. "What," Clark said slowly, "the hell-was that?"

Sabia shrugged. "I'm not very sure. James just said to pretend we didn't know her unless we wanted a brawl in the middle of the party."

Clark shook his head. "Do you think…all that time she was here…she was Vince Malfoy's girlfriend?"

Sabia paused. "Yes, I do think so."

"Bee-" Clark grabbed her arm. "She could've been passing on information. Her wand is charmed to be let in and we would need it in order to take off the enchantment. Anyone can get in with her-"

"No," Sabia said thoughtfully. "Anyone can get in tonight, anyway, dear. Anyone invited, and quite a few unsavory people have been invited."

"But...if she was reporting to Malfoy…"

Sabia shook her head. "No," she repeated. "I think Lily's just torn between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, and she doesn't know which one is best for her. James suits her better, I would think…but Malfoy is…different to her, I suppose. He has a mystery to him. She doesn't even know who she herself is. She doesn't understand that the boy from her own house is better for her."

Clark paused at the strange comment. "We're very well suited, and we're from different houses," he pointed out, not sure whether he had just stomped on the proverbial ice and fallen into icy water. They never talked about this.

"Yes," Sabia said, turning and kissing him lightly on the mouth. She hesitated, searching for the right words. "But we were different."

Clark smiled down at his wife, not missing the faint flicker of pain in her eyes, but then someone came up to greet them, and that was the end of it.

……

"That was strange," Lily ventured, standing near the wall with Vince, who was glancing around as if bored.

He shrugged. "Bloody Potter."

Lily did not ask him to specify which Potter he meant. It was quite clear. "Could you go get me a drink?"

Vince sighed. "What would you like? Anything goes-nobody's watching what I get."

"Just punch, please," Lily told him. He shrugged again and walked off. Lily looked around as he did so, trying to tell herself she was not looking for James.

But…she was.

She spotted him with Remus, sipping from a cup of something that was, considering his abhorrent taste, probably vile. He was staring out darkly over the room. She saw Rebecca approach them and ask something. Within moments, Rebecca turned and began heading towards Lily.

"So," the other girl said when she reached Lily, flushed and on the verge of tipsy already. "James has been looking at you all evening because he answered my question as to where you were in less than a second, Lucius is very late, the Potters are lovely, and Remus Lupin is incredibly good looking."

Lily shook her head. "He doesn't deserve you, so I wouldn't bother."

"But I'm not you," Rebecca pointed out. "And he's better than Lucius, I daresay. Besides, I do need a good shag."

Lily laughed. "Shagging Remus. Never thought of that one before."

"You wouldn't," Rebecca snorted. "Potter's the only bloke you've ever shagged."

Lily's mouth dropped open and she stared at Rebecca, who clapped her hands over her mouth. "I'm so sorry! It just came out-I just knew…don't take what Vince gives you, Lily. He's laced it with something."

Lily opened her mouth to inquire about this strange ability Rebecca had when Vince came back and handed her a cup that smelled vaguely spicy. He turned away immediately to look at Rebecca as Lily closed her mouth and frowned, staring hard into the drink.

"Care for a dance?" he asked flippantly.

Rebecca shrugged. "Of course."

They waltzed off and Lily poured her drink into one of the potted plants that was standing in the corner next to her. Immediately, all the seeds within the near vicinity shriveled up and died. Lily shook her head. He had added a Contraceptive Draught to her drink-not knowing that she was already on it because of James. One dose protected for nearly three months, so she had no use for such potions until mid-March.

"Having fun?" asked a voice right in her ear, sending warm breath across her cheek. She started and turned to Sirius, angry already. She took a step back and resisted the urge to smack him right across his perfect face.

"Loads," she said viciously. "You?"

Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "My entire family's here. I'm having a right good time."

Lily had heard many stories about the infamous Black family. "So-your mother and your father?" she asked, curious despite her resolve to freeze Sirius out.

Sirius shook his head, sighing. "My entire family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, parents….This is my worst nightmare. Oy, how goes it, Remus?"

Remus had come up on Lily's other side while she had been concentrating on Sirius's scintillating conversation. Lily stiffened as they both began to guide her around the room, undoubtedly over to where James was. "Sirius-Remus-"

"Why, I'm fine, you dog, you," Remus replied, grinning at Lily. "Hello, Lily. Good night, huh?"

"Not really," she said rudely, flaring up at him. "Stop. I don't want to see him!"

"Too late," Sirius said cheerfully, and he and Remus let her go right in front of James, who stared impassively past them.

"Padfoot, Moony-do I know her?"

"Pretty damn well, I'd say," Remus answered nonchalantly, a positively lecherous smile on his face. He leaned against the wall. "Oh, look. It's Malfoy. And his eye-candy."

"More like yours," Lily snapped, "and her name's Rebecca. Got that? Do I need to repeat it for you?"

"Ouch," Remus said calmly. "No repetition necessary. I'm sure to remember this one."

Seeing normally quiet and kind (albeit strange) Remus Lupin act as such made Lily feel like the world was tipping on its bloody axis.

"He gets like that sometimes," Sirius explained, pushing himself off the wall and clapping a hand on James's shoulder. "Kind of like your time of the month, Evans."

Lily rolled her eyes. By then, Vince and Rebecca had reached them. Rebecca's cheeks were flushed from dancing and drink and her curls had sprung out of her ribbon, but Vince was as unruffled as ever. Rebecca greeted all of them naively, her voice high and sweet. Lily sighed.

"Could you stop that bloody sound?" James said, whipping his head around to pin Lily with his dark eyes.

Lily sighed again just to hack him off. James violently threw his drink into the nearest decorated bin and began to make a rude gesture towards Lily, who, forgetting where she was and who was with her, grabbed his hand to prevent him from doing so.

"Fuck you," she hissed, squeezing his hand hard before letting it go. James glared down at her, his eyes incensed behind his glasses. Lily felt a hand on her shoulder and was horrified to see Vince looking down questioningly at her.

"Did you just touch him?" he inquired coldly.

Lily made her best disgusted face and grabbed the cup of water Rebecca had, pouring it over her hand and letting it fall onto the floor, where it disappeared instantly. Lily shook her hand out to remove the excess water. "Unfortunately." She looked up and saw James looking at her, almost as if he was considering her. He shook his head slowly; his shoulders slumped and he sighed, looking off over her head and around the room. Lily's heart wrenched painfully.

"Well, what have we here?" asked a quiet, dangerous voice. Lily turned quickly as Rebecca went white and Remus swore mildly. "My brother's girlfriend is most decidedly a maniac, my love."

Standing behind Vince was a tall, imposing man who looked to be five or six years older than Lily and her companions. His hair was almost white and he could have been Vince's twin aside from the color of his eyes, which were a cold, icy gray. Beside him stood a waiflike blonde girl whom Lily knew had to be Narcissa Black, who had graduated just that autumn from Durmstrang. Also in his group were two other people-another man with the same hair and eyes as Vince with a completely different facial structure, and with him, a dark-haired woman who would have been lovely if the look behind her eyes hadn't betrayed a slight touch of madness.

"Lucius, I would like you to meet Lily, who most certainly is not a maniac. You've met the rest-but have you met Rebecca Rookwood?"

Lucius Malfoy smiled. "I have, indeed. It's a pleasure as always, Miss Rookwood. I enjoyed our conversation last time we saw each other. Perhaps there could be a reoccurrence?"

Rebecca smiled icily, her eyes flickering over to Narcissa, who stood impassively by the older Malfoy's side. "I'm afraid not. I'm rather…busy. If I find the time, of course we can have a conversation."

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "Well done," he said, almost warmly, but then he turned hard as steel again. "Rebecca, this is Narcissa Black. We shall be married in the spring. And this is Rodolphus; and Bellatrix, Narcissa's sister," Lucius said, smiling indulgently at Rebecca's refusal.

"Is my cousin here? I haven't seen him for two years now," remarked Bellatrix, her long neck craning as she tried to look around James. Lily glanced over and saw that Sirius had gone, probably not wanting to deal with his family. She muttered something that sounded much like `bastard' under her breath.

"The only bastard I see around here is Malfoy," James said acidly, crossing his arms over his chest, "the younger brother." He smirked as he clarified his earlier remark and Lily bit her cheek hard to keep from smiling.

Vince snarled and Lily grabbed his hand before he could lash out. He turned to call her on her protectiveness but Lucius stopped him.

"Control yourself, Vincent," he hissed. "This is a public engagement."

Vince wrenched his arm out of Lily's grasp and stormed off, leaving the group with a little less tension.

A long moment of silence passed. "Well," Lucius said again, "I think we'll take our leave. Save me a dance, Miss Rookwood. And you as well, Miss…?"

"Evans," Lily supplied quietly.

Lucius smiled slowly. "Ah, yes. A dance, if you will."

He turned to leave, Narcissa at his side, but Bellatrix Black lingered. "Evans-that's a very Muggle name. I would watch who I tell that to if I were you." She smiled nastily.

"Thank you for the thought," Lily replied sweetly, turning away from the lovely woman and holding completely still until she felt Bellatrix's intimidating presence disappear.

"Well that was just great fun. Say thanks to your boyfriend for luring them over and hacking off Sirius, will you, Lily?" James turned to say something to Remus but Lily hit him in the arm.

"I'm not thanking him for storming off and leaving me to deal with his bloody brother and the rest of the pure-blood maniacs. Take your thanks and shove it up your arse."

"You and Malfoy can go and discuss tactics of leaving when you find him. I suggest you start looking now. It's not as if you have anything else to do!" When she did not move, James made a shooing motion with his hands. "Go on. Scat! Go get laid! Leave again, already!"

"That was necessary. You shouldn't be mad at me. What would have happened if I'd stayed to say goodbye? Nothing good, I'm sure."

"A lot of good would've happened," James maintained vehemently. "Maybe we wouldn't be having this blasted argument right now if you'd stayed to say one bloody word to me. Just one. It's not that much to ask, Lily."

"You really shouldn't care whether I tell you to fuck off or if I leave or whatever. It's none of your business. It shouldn't matter to you in the least," Lily explained quickly. "You've got no right to act like I mean something to you when you truly shouldn't give a shite."

"You know what? I obviously do give a shite. I give a big shite, alright? I told you that, and you threw it in my face. I know you're not that heartless-I've seen you at your best and your worst and when you used to be nice and kind before last year. You grew up. Prejudice was redefined and it applies to you. Boo hoo. Just because you're emotionally unstable doesn't mean you have to rip my heart out and then stomp on it with a bloody stiletto." James drained his drink in one swift movement.

Lily, still trying to get over the shock that he knew what a stiletto was, tried to formulate a response. "You-shut up!"

And she stalked off, much like several other people had done that night.

……

Somehow she ended up complaining to Remus about what a git his friend was. Remus listened sympathetically and nodded along to the list of names she pinned on James.

"I hope you realize that James truly likes you," Remus told her, his hands sliding over the sides of his dress robes. He grimaced as he realized it was a formal garment and that there were no outer pockets and let his hands hang down at his sides.

"So? He's not supposed to," was Lily's response. "I don't care. It just complicates things."

"Lily…"

"What?"

Remus paused thoughtfully staring off into space, his gaze on the Malfoys and Rebecca, who had joined them and was talking quite seriously with Lucius. He snapped to attention and smiled at Lily. "You know that you like James too, don't you? A lot-I can see it. I can…I know it."

Lily snorted. "That's ridiculous."

"No-no it isn't. I fancy that Rebecca girl a bit right now-I'm not afraid to admit it. And I'm not fighting it either." Remus yawned. "Do you understand?"

"No," Lily said flatly, groaning as Rebecca headed over towards them. She said a breathless hello just as Sirius came to greet them as well.

"What is this?" Lily asked. "`Gather Around Lily Night'?"

Sirius snorted. "Don't flatter yourself. I see you met my wonderful family. Charmed?"

"I'm sure," Lily replied. "They're…wonderful."

"How kind of you, Evans. You always did see the good in people."

Lily shook her head and sighed, glancing around the room.

"He went upstairs to cool off. He'll be down in a minute." Sirius smirked at her.

"Vince?" Lily asked innocently, deliberately misunderstanding his words.

"James," Sirius corrected immediately. "James is upstairs. James is cooling off. Probably because you look so fucking hot tonight. What did you do to yourself? I'm getting a little excited just looking at you-and James has had you…he knows what's under that dress."

"I'd slap you," Lily drawled, "but it's too much energy to waste on you."

"Shouldn't you be with your lovely boyfriend?" Peter asked, making Lily jump. She made a face at him.

"He's with his parents. I refuse to meet them. I'd much rather hide from him here."

"Him being…Malfoy or James?" asked Peter with a slight smile. Lily glared at him and he turned away, giving her a chance to look at Vince, who was standing in between two men who had the same hair he did. Lily surmised that one was Tiberius Malfoy and the other was Antonin Dolohov, his real father.

"Vince," Lily answered vaguely, before coming back to earth. "Oh-can we please get some air? I'm feeling a bit…"

Sirius grinned.

"Warm," she said, changing it from `hot'. "I'm feeling a little warm."

"There's a terrace over there," Remus said, coming away from his conversation with Rebecca, who was peeking at Lucius Malfoy every so often and then back at Remus. She bit her lip and hesitated, then took Remus's offered arm as they began to walk outside. Lily threw a haphazard glance back at Lucius Malfoy as they left, noting the look of fury on his face as he watched Remus and Rebecca.

Sirius offered his arm with a mocking bow. "May I escort you?" he asked cordially.

Lily wrapped her arm through his and rested her palm on his lower arm. "Why is everything so formal here?" she asked. "Giving your arm to a girl and asking if you can escort them is a little old-fashioned, don't you think?"

Sirius shrugged as they fell into step with Peter, who had begun walking a little before them. "The Annual Holiday Ministry Ball has been held since the Ministry's initial inception. Only for the past ten or so years has it been consistently held here, at the Potters'. Most traditions still hold. At least they don't announce arrivals anymore. That was a nightmare. The pure-bloods are very formal as a stereotype, one that's actually true. We can't help it. It's the way we were brought up, and if you're friends with a pure-blood-like Remus and Peter, and even James, although his parents are Ministry employees so he's formal anyway-then you end up picking up some formal habits. It fits Remus well, doesn't it?"

Lily nodded. "It doesn't fit you, though, you dirty scoundrel."

Sirius shrugged and unwrapped his arm from hers, holding the door to the terrace open for her.

"Alas. I am not who I was brought up to be."

"Thank-you bastard, Sirius. You planned this! Can't you all just leave us alone?" Lily cried, pushing him to the side. James was sitting on a bench and he looked up quickly at the sound of her voice, so many expressions flying over his face in such quick succession than Lily could not identify a single one.

"I planned absolutely nothing, Lily," Sirius said soberly, fighting a grin.

"You don't seem to understand that I'm not in the best position to choose-not right now. Vince holds all the cards-I've got to wait to actually do what I want," Lily said, trying to knock some sort of common sense past the thickness of Sirius Black's skull.

Sirius shook his head as James stood. "James isn't entirely without a few good cards himself, Lily. And you've got the Ace of Spades-you haven't slept with Vince yet, have you?"

Lily stared at Sirius for almost a full ten seconds before shaking her head, sick of it all. "What does it really matter? Go away; I'm going to talk to James. It's inevitable, right?" She turned and began walking over to where James was standing with Remus, Rebecca, and Peter, but Sirius followed her. She hadn't the gumption to turn around and tell him to go away again.

"Lovely night, isn't it?" Remus asked cheerily as they approached.

"Extremely," Sirius replied, clapping Lily on the shoulder.

"You're fucked in the head, James," Lily suddenly said.

Sirius threw his hands up in the air. "Here we go…." he said quietly.

"Pardon?" James asked, his eyes widening.

"You just heard me. You're the one who came up with most of this stupid idea and here you are preaching to me about being a frigid bitch. You said it would mean nothing-I agreed. That's what we agreed. You even told me-bluntly-not to fall for you! You're not allowed to change your mind." Lily crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed her arms; it was cold outside, even with the shields of warmth that had been put up.

"As if anything as stupid as the idea I came up with could mean nothing. You had to have known we'd have felt something for each other," James reasoned angrily. "Fuck-Lily, you've known I've fancied you since fifth year-do you think for a second I wouldn't jump at the chance to shag you silly whenever I chose and pretend I was teaching you how? I'm a bloke-I think with the other head occasionally. Once you get sex you just keep on wanting it-"

"Oh, come on!" Lily cried.

"-and there's nothing that can stop you. I don't think you understand what it's like for a male-"

"You're the one who's `oh-so-experienced'. And I wasn't. So give it up-you knew more than I did-alright, accepted. Shut up about it already, will you?"

"No!" James yelled. "Just because I had had sex before doesn't mean that I take it lightly. That was a lie! It just all a bloody lie! I like you-a lot. And I knew that beforehand-"

Lily had stopped listening and had turned on Remus, who had let out a loud sound of disbelief as James made his first statement. She stepped up to him and poked him in the chest. "Just what is your problem? You keep on making these obnoxious and confusing little comments and I have no clue what you're on about-will you just tell me? I think there's little damage some new shocking information can do at this point. Everything's ruined as it is. Now what is so wrong with James and his amazing sex-life?"

Remus opened his mouth and hesitated, glancing at James, who looked truly confused.

"Well," Remus began tentatively.

"No-" Sirius cut in suddenly, holding out a hand to stop Remus. James started and his mouth dropped open in horror, but it was too late.

"Before James shagged you-he was a virgin."

……

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