Unofficial Portkey Archive

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 26: Of Cruel Truths and Kind Poison
Date Begun: Thursday, February 17, 2005
Date Finished: Monday, February 28, 2005
Date Posted: Tuesday, May 03, 2005

……

[Either Way, by Guster]

……

Special thanks to Y. Kuang for the general idea for a part of Lily and James's conversation in the FF. You'll know what it is.

……

Lily had the displeasure of being partnered with Severus Snape the next day in Potions.

She looked longingly over at Sirius, who was rolling his eyes at Analise Radcliffe, his flirty partner. She never thought she would see the day when she would wish Sirius was her partner again, but it had come. Clearly, Snape hated her, and she hated him right back.

It was not that she did not consider him human-she felt rather bad for him sometimes-she just could not understand why a person had to be so…hateful, for lack of a better word. As it was, he was deftly chopping up little bits of Hippogriff spleen for the Truth Potion they had been assigned, not looking at Lily even once. Angrily, she lit the fire under the cauldron and added the appropriate amount of water, and then the three ounces of Manticore blood.

"Who would ever want to ingest something like this?" Lily muttered under her breath

"It's not something that would ever be ingested by choice, Evans," Snape snapped, his voice so caustic that Lily could feel James stiffen behind her, from where he was working with Rebecca Rookwood's brother, Augustus. Lily had never before realized Augustus was in her Potions class and was just now seeing him for the first time. The worst thing about N.E.W.T level classes was that they were so large and mixed it was hard to find people.

"I don't know, Snape," Lily replied calmly. "Some people are just a little bit sick in the head, know what I mean?" She looked at him harmlessly and he snarled at her before turning back to his roots, or whatever he was doing.

Lily commenced stirring the potion with the silver ladle. An argument broke out on Lily's right between Remus and Rebecca about who should stir the potion. Rebecca had been slicing veela hairs in two but Remus wanted to take over and let her stir. Finally, throwing up her hands, Rebecca switched places with Remus, and Lily noted the way they brushed against each other as they moved. She was torn from her grinning state by the sound of Professor Hamilton welcoming Vince into class.

"Mr. Malfoy," he said, sarcastic surprise in his voice, looking at Vince over his spectacles, "have you deigned to join us today?"

"So sorry, Professor Hamilton," Vince said respectfully. "I was meeting with my Head of House."

"Truth Potions," Hamilton said, tapping the board with a long, practiced finger. "Groups were allowed to choose which one, but I'll just assign you to one to avoid any problems."

Vince's mouth drew itself into a line of displeasure and he looked at Lily, alternately glaring at Snape and then at the table behind her. Lily held back a groan when Hamilton paired Vince with James and Augustus, then returned to correcting papers. She met Vince's eyes and held them defiantly as he threw his bag on the ground, letting it slide past her table. It rasped against the dungeon floor and came to a spot somewhere behind her. Vince left her line of sight.

Something was wrong.

Lily bit her lip, glaring down at the table. She went back to the potion and sighed, swearing as she realized she had lost count. She was either on seventy-seven or seventy-eight stirs. The blue potion had to be stirred exactly one-hundred and six times, clockwise, before the next step could be performed.

"What number are you on?" Snape asked a little while later.

She had stirred twenty-one times since she had lost count, so she picked seventy-eight and ran with it. "Ninety-nine, one-hundred, one-oh-one, one-oh-two, one-oh-three…"

At one-oh-six, Lily took out the ladle and laid it on the silver resting plate. Yawning, she picked up the first, long ginger root and dropped it in, then a sliced veela hair…ginger root…veela hair…ginger root…veela hair…ginger root…veela hair…she continued until she had added all the necessary ingredients, the looked at the board to see what was next.

The sound a muffled argument broke out behind Lily and out of the corner of her eye, she saw James stalk past her worktable and over to the cabinets that held the ingredients. She was startled from her staring when Snape jostled her and peered into the potion.

"Useless!" he snarled. "You stirred too many times! Is your head up in the clouds, you fool?"

Lily bristled. "Snape-"

"Leave her alone, Snivellus. Not all of us stand here and worship the gods of potions like you," Sirius called from behind Rebecca and Remus. Lily's entire half of the room looked at her and Snape and she turned red, glaring at Sirius.

"Shut up," she muttered, groaning when she saw that Professor Hamilton had looked up.

"Is there something wrong, Miss Evans, Mr. Snape?"

They both mumbled something in the negative and returned to their potion.

"It's going to explode in precisely…" Snape checked his watch, "…ten minutes' time if you don't go get some werewolf's blood to counteract the extra silver."

"You go get it," Lily answered rudely. She heard a slight laugh behind her and shivered, knowing it was Augustus Rookwood.

"You ruined the potion, Evans," Snape hissed, "so you do the work to fix it!"

Lily gritted her teeth and marched over to the ingredients' cabinets to find the blood. She looked to where it should have been but it was missing, and then she jumped when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. James dangled a vial of blood before her face. "Looking for this?"

She tried to snatch it from his hand but he held it up and she did not want to jump like a rabbit for it. She turned to glare up at him and choked on a breath when he took a step forward and crushed her body between the cabinet and his front. Lily swallowed hard and looked over to where Vince and Augustus Rookwood were talking in low voices, not paying the slightest bit of attention. Rebecca and Remus were absorbed in each other; Hamilton was oblivious; Snape…was watching. Lily averted her eyes from his probing, knowing, hateful gaze.

"What are you doing?" she whispered desperately, feeling her skin heat up. She wanted him so very badly-probably for the sheer relief of it. She was so frazzled from her experience the day before with Vince…what she needed was a good, fast shag, preferably with James.

God, Lily thought, when did I become so crude?

"Do you need this?" James repeated.

Lily nodded, looking at him carefully. She swallowed hard and blinked; she really wanted to talk to him all of a sudden, about…anything.

James stepped backward and Lily leaned against the cabinet to keep from falling. There was only a small amount left in the vial. "Why did you have it?" she asked suspiciously.

James's gaze started to flicker to the side, to where his friends were, but then he looked back at her. "A little experiment. Don't worry. You should only need a few drops."

"Oh…okay."

He shrugged. His hair was delightfully messy. "Lily-"

If Lily wanted to stay alive, James had to get away from her. He was driving her crazy. "I'm sorry," she blurted, because it was the first thing that came to mind and it was the only thing she wanted to say.

James stiffened. "Didn't we agree not to talk about this?"

Lily swallowed again, glancing over to where Vince was still not paying attention, thank heavens. "But I'm still sorry." She had just wanted to express…how she felt, and now she had made him angry. No, no, no…

James looked at her, studied her face, and sighed. "You know what, Lily? I've heard that so much it's lost its meaning. I never thought you'd be like everyone else."

Lily opened her mouth to reply, but she saw Snape get up and walk briskly over to them. He snatched the vial of blood from Lily's hands, standing next to her with his back to the cabinets for a moment, facing James.

"When you're quite done having your lover's spat with the criminal's son, could you come help-"

James swung at him and would have hit Snape dead on in the face if Snape had not expected it and stepped to the side. As soon as Lily saw James move she jumped aside, her shoulder aching for a split second with phantom pain. James could not stop his momentum and as Snape walked away, James crashed into the cabinets, and the sound of breaking glass exploded in the room.

Professor Hamilton jumped up and rushed over; the rest of the class finally began paying attention. Lily was drenched in disgusting, slimy materials; James was no better. She saw something that look suspiciously like a rat's eyeball on the table nearest the cupboards and shuddered. She looked at Hamilton, whose face was contorted in fury. Sizzling sounds were coming from ingredients that were mixing on the floor; some sparks shot up when volatile substances collided.

"SCOURGIFY!" Hamilton yelled, frantically waving his wand and cleaning the two students, then the floor. He pointed his finger first at James, then at Lily. "DETENTION!"

……

"I can not believe this," Lily grumbled, slapping aside an offending branch and holding up her wand to light the way in front of her, her other arm hindered by the large basket dangling from the wrist. James had not offered to carry it for her. She heard James swear behind her and looked back to see that her branch had whacked him in the face, knocking his glasses askew. James sent her a hateful look and Lily frowned, remorseful.

Apparently, for some reason, he was mad at her. Lily had decided not to question this, because she truly did not want the drama. It would come out sooner or later, anyway.

"What can't you believe, Lily?" he asked harshly. "That you got a detention?"

Lily sighed. "That," she told him. "And also that we're in the bloody Forbidden Forest!"

James waved a hand carelessly and Lily was forced to look straight ahead again when she almost walked into a tree. "I've been in here loads of times," he said, his voice derisive enough to make Lily seethe. "There's nothing to be afraid of…" He grabbed her hand. "But, you know, if there is-" he pulled her around to face him "-then I'm sure I could protect you."

A delightful shiver went through Lily at his touch and she knew he felt it; one of his legs was suddenly in between hers and she was pressed tightly against a tree, the basket falling to the snow on the ground. Secretly pleased, Lily glared up into his eyes, put her hands on his shoulders, and then pushed as hard as she could. In a sick sort of power-struggle, James strained to keep her where she was, his fingers caressing her shoulder.

"You're acting like Vince, James," she said quietly, and he made a sound of disgust before stepping backwards and throwing her a dirty, astonished look.

"Fine," he snarled, turning. "Let's get on with this, shall we? Bloody herbs…" He picked up the basket and held his wand higher. It was almost nine in the night-they had been told they would start late, because most of the ingredients they were sent to pick only revealed themselves late into the evening. Lily thought Hamilton slightly sadistic. They were not allowed to leave until they had completed their entire task.

They had been assigned by Professor Hamilton to gather a specific set of herbs for some potion or the other that he wanted to make, and as such, they were in the Forbidden Forest. Lily was bundled up in four layers, because while Charms was her strength, Warming Charms, for some reason, were not; James was hardly better at them than she. Aside from her usual undergarments, she was wearing a thermal undershirt, as well as a flannel shirt that had belonged to her father, and then her robes and her cloak. She was wearing fleece-lined pants. Remarkably, James had ended up in his jumper, robes, and cloak, as well as his jeans. Lily thought him mad, but then again, she hated the cold, and he had confessed to her once that there was something he liked about it.

"Bloodwort," Lily said, reading off a list from her pocket. "Small, spade-shaped leaves, grayish-green, a knobby root when you pull it from the ground."

James searched around lazily, then shook his head. "Nope," he said, infuriating Lily.

"Could you at least look?" she demanded.

"Nope," James repeated, smirking at her. Malice was heavy in his eyes, and Lily sank into it, feeling it tear at her and stick to her and bring her down. She despaired in it for only a moment, thinking how desperate he must be and how cruel they were acting towards each other, before coming to her senses and straightening her back.

"You've got to grow up, James," she told him quietly.

He snarled at her. "Don't tell me when to grow up," he spat, "because I've done my fair share of growing up, and all it's gotten me is a dead mother and a father who's going on trial in twelve hours' time!"

Lily winced. She had not known that. She gritted her teeth and bore the brunt of James's anger, because otherwise he would unload on someone far less capable of shaking it off. She looked down at her paper and only then noticed that her hands were shaking so badly she could hardly read. She hated James sometimes, sometimes when he made her feel like this, like she was with Vince. Truthfully, James was everything Vince was not, and he was everything she really needed. That did not mean, however, that he was wonderful all the time.

"Shit, Lily," James said callously. His voice turned high, falsetto, feminine: "You've got to grow up!"

Lily crumpled the parchment in her hand and shoved it in her pocket, then stepped up to him, holding her wand in his face. "James," she said quietly, "I don't want to look at you, so look for the stupid plants, and then lets go inside and never talk to one another again unless we have to."

James snorted. "Nah, I'd much rather shag you."

"Over my dead body!" Lily cried, but the idea was incredibly appealing. She felt herself give in and knew that he saw it, but she still pretended that she was going to fight him. Lily opened her mouth to tell him off and caught something in his demeanor, a desperate kind of need, perhaps, something that only she could fix-not without a fight, she thought…tread carefully, or he'll know all you're trying to do is comfort him.

"You'll say yes," he told her.

"Really? What if I said no?"

"Are you going to say no?" he asked gruffly.

"I might," Lily said to his, biting her lip. Sleeping with him here, now…it would go against everything she wanted-pride, dignity, self-control, and she was loathe to give up herself for such a reason. And yet, with James, she always seemed to do so. It was part of the reason she wanted to be with him so much, because he enraptured her so completely she could think of nothing else.

She could not see his eyes because the light was reflecting off his glasses and obscuring their transparency. Lily stood, poised to slap him if need be, just to get him going, and then James pulled her close. Lily felt a shameful, sudden, humiliating rush of warmth and wetness between her legs, soaking her knickers. Her face turned red, even though there was no way he could know, and she tried to pull back. James only kept on coming, his face tight and his eyes, (now that her hand had fallen to her side and her wand with it, revealing them), were blazing with some sort of lust. She could not tell whether he wanted to make her scream in pleasure or in pain. She was gasping, terrified, and his hands were rough as he moved her back against the same tree as before. Lily was so ready for him to take her there, so keyed up was she because of Vince.

He was hurting her and Lily loved it. Somehow his robe was gone-had she removed it?-and her nails were raking over his back through his shirt, and she was quite certain she heard it rip, but then again, he was breathing loudly in her ear, her heartbeat was racing loudly, and her whimpers and cries were echoing through the forest, virtually drowning out every possible alternative sound. Her back was scarping against the bark of the tree.

Lily's throat was so raw by the time she came that she could hardly make a sound. She would have screamed, but all that came out was a strangled whisper. James, whose mouth was pressed against her previously injured shoulder where her shirt had slipped off - no, it was ripped!-let out a guttural groan and bit down, hard, as he climaxed inside her.

"Alright, Lily?" he moaned, trying to achieve normality. "Satisfied enough?"

She looked down at his red lips and his tousled hair and could not bring herself to rejoin with a scathing comment. Her chest was heaving and she lowered her trembling legs, her arms sliding from his neck and falling against the tree. She braced herself and almost fell, a small gasp escaping her lips. James steadied her, his hands sliding effortlessly under all her layers and resting high on her ribcage. Lily shook her head, avoiding his eyes, and tried to grip the tree. James reached one hand down and pulled up her trousers and knickers, breathing heavily against her cheek as he buttoned them with one hand. Lily eyes fluttered shut and when he let her go, she slid down and sat on the snowy ground, one hand over her mouth and the other over her stomach.

"Right. Maybe we should go get some of those plants," James said, picking up the fallen basket.

Lily glanced up at him and noticed that his breathing was just as labored as hers. She shook her head; James lit his wand and began to look around the forest floor for any of the herbs they were supposed to collect. Lily wondered just how messed up his mother's death had made him. He blew hot, then cold; he was kind, then cruel; he flirted and then he got depressed.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked, finding her voice.

"What do you mean?" James asked innocently, glancing over at her.

"Don't you care?" she whispered, and he cocked his head. He had not heard her. She clamped her mouth shut and he came closer. When she refused to speak again, he knelt in front of her. "Can't you-don't you care?" she repeated.

"About what?" James murmured.

"About what just happened!" Lily exclaimed. "How can you possibly stand there and be so calm after what we just did!"

"I don't really care, Lily," James told her, quite dispassionately, but she knew he was lying. He had told her he cared for her, hadn't he? "I don't need this right now-I don't need this right now…Lily, I don't care, I just want…you…" He put his hands in his hair and tugged, looking quite mad. Lily would have done it for him, but if she touched him he would probably recoil.

"Do you really have to be so cold? Lie to me…"

"I'm not cold," James disagreed, looking uneasy, running his hands through his hair and rubbing them on his robes.

"Yes, you are." Lily met his eyes defiantly. "You're just like Vince. You're like ice."

"Don't say that!" James growled.

"Why not?"

James moved closer to her. "I'm nothing like him, Lily!"

"You're just like him, James. You two really aren't so different, I've noticed. You…both do exactly the same things to me-I just seem to enjoy it with you because I've always been a bit twisted in the head, you know?" Her voice was bordering on hysterical.

"Don't say that to me," James repeated. "Vince doesn't care because he's incapable. I just don't want to!"

"And why NOT?" Lily yelled, her nails digging into his bicep.

"Because that's not what I DO!" James exploded, jumping up. "I don't care about girls like that! What-you think I had any idea what I was doing when I agreed to this crazy arrangement? No! I didn't! And now everything's different but no-Lily doesn't change-you're still just THERE. WITH MALFOY! And you expect me to watch you and still care about you? You're treating me like shit, Lily! I deserve more than what you're giving me because-because in the end," he continued, his voice dropping to a sudden, quiet tone, "I'm the one who's got your virginity, and I'm the one who cared about you more, and I need you more, but you're not giving me a thing-"

"And whose BLOODY fault is that?" Lily yelled, struggling to her feet. "You kept on telling me that it was just fucking, just shagging, that we should keep a distance and you-you told me not to fall for you, ever! And you expect me to treat you like a god? I tried-James, I tried on the-after the article in the Prophet, and I tried today but all you've done is cut me down and then you shagged me and I-James, I just don't want to you to get hurt-I'm-"

"You're prancing around with Malfoy," James cut in at a shout, "all happy and hunky dory even though he doesn't give a shit about you, even though he fucks you and doesn't even let you come-you're still with him! How screwed up is that, Lily? He's just using you!"

"I'm NOT LIKE THAT!" Lily screamed back, her throat burning. "I don't go back to the abusive boyfriend-"

James cut her off with a laugh, throwing his head back and gasping for air. "Oh-Lily-you're so bloody blind. You think just because he was raised not to hit you means he doesn't want to? That's the kind of thing that would get him off. You think you're so strong and that you don't give in to abuse but you don't realize that he does abuse you. And every time, don't ask me why, you just go back to him!"

Lily felt a flash of white-hot pain as his words hit home, and was unable to identify the source. She pushed the knowledge and the pain aside and pushed herself away from the tree. "James, you listen to me, okay? If Vince is using me, then I don't care. You are so fucked up with everything right now that if you got a girlfriend all it would do is complicate your feelings-"

"If?" James yelled. "If he's using you? Are you taking the mickey, Lily, or are you just really stupid? He wants Rebecca so he can rape her and use her and hand her over to Voldemort, and the only way to get close to her was through you! Why the hell you think he never pressured you, hmm?"

"What has Vince pressuring me got to do with anything?" Lily asked shakily.

"You're not that much of a follower, Lily. If he had forced you he knew you would have hexed him and dumped him and then his chances would be ruined. Don't you realize how long he's been planning this? You don't mean shit to him, Lily."

"SO? It's not like you treat me any better, James!"

"What are you-you-BREAK UP WITH HIM!"

Lily gaped at him. Was he seriously ordering her to break up with her boyfriend? Not suggesting-not asking-but ordering? "NO!"

"Lily, I'm warning you-"

"What'll you do to me, James? Are you going to hit me? Are you going to pull a Vince Malfoy? Here's some news for you-I don't do what you say, alright? So you can just shut up and pick your bloody plants, because I'm not helping you!"

"Lily-" he began furiously, and she pushed past him and ran out of the forest, shivering. She had forgotten her cloak and her robes. She hurried up to the castle and made her way inside, sprinting through the halls until she reached the Gryffindor common room and went up to her room, collapsing onto her bed and staring furiously up at the top of her canopy all night long.

……

The next morning Lily got out of bed before dawn, staring blankly out her window at the roiling clouds (it was surely going to rain again) and winced as her muscles screamed. Soreness had set in-what was she going to tell Vince? She took a hot bath and was out and about the castle by six-thirty.

She happened upon nobody, but she was shocked when she entered the Entrance Hall and saw Clark Potter standing by the doors, looking both out of place and strangely at home. Lily tried to back out again but instead, she started forward, for she knew he had seen her.

"Good morning, Mr. Potter," she said awkwardly, wondering what he was doing here. Wasn't he supposed to be in a courtroom today, awaiting his fate?

"Good morning, Lily," he replied kindly. For some reason, Lily got the impression that he had just remembered her name. "You haven't happened to see James lately, have you?"

"Oh. No," she answered, meeting the older man's eyes. She had to look away. "I haven't."

Clark Potter frowned. "I was supposed to come get him at…seven. That blasted boy-always late-"

He said it somewhat affectionately, and Lily could not fault him. This was not the man she had met before. He looked ravaged. Lily wondered how he could possibly deal with everything that had happened to him.

Just imagine, a voice inside her said, if someone you have been opposing for a good part of your life killed James-and then you were blamed. "It's twenty of," she told Mr. Potter, and he sighed.

"Forgive me, Lily," he said formally. He smiled, somewhat wryly. "I'm not myself, for obvious reasons."

"Mr. Potter," Lily started, "I feel like-I've never-I am so, so…"

"It's alright," he said quietly. "I just…I know everything will right itself in the end. They're not getting away with this," he said darkly, almost to himself. "James isn't growing up labeled a murderer's son."

"You're not a murderer," Lily told him, wanting to leave. She had no idea what she was doing. What if she made it worse?

"I know," he said firmly. "It's only that I worry about James so much. His mother and he were-" He swallowed and pinned his dark, commanding gaze on Lily. "Please help him."

"Oh, Mr. Potter-we aren't-we're not-"

"Even so, Lily, I'd appreciate it if you would come to the funeral. It's in three days' time-"

"Mr. Potter," Lily interrupted, "I really shouldn't. Really."

He seemed to understand, although he sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Alright then. If you see James-"

"Dad? Why are you early?"

Lily whipped around, her limbs protesting, and there James was, looking obnoxiously well-rested. He threw a shocked glance at her when he saw her conversing with his father and walked forward, standing next to his Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter furrowed his brow. "I don't-yes, I remember now. I had to see Profess-Albus. He's coming, you know. Excuse me for just a moment."

Abruptly, James's father left them, standing together. Lily would not look at him.

"Stop that," James said, sounding irritated.

"Stop what?" Lily asked.

"Not looking at me. It's distracting."

"Shouldn't Sirius go with you?" Lily asked suddenly, looking up. James stared at her, quite gobsmacked.

"He…no, he can't."

"Why not?" Lily queried, stepping forward urgently. "Really. You shouldn't be alone for this…"

James looked at her coolly. "Your boyfriend will be there to keep me company. He's coming to watch." He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. He took in her expression. "Didn't know that, did you?" he said, with some satisfaction.

"I…no, I didn't."

James sighed, picking at a loose thread on his sleeve. "Right. You know what, Lily, I think I'm going to go wait outside. And don't look so alarmed-I won't get into a fight with any Malfoys or Snapes, I won't cry or kill myself or anything-really, they can't say my dad's guilty, can they? The Ministry loves him. He'll be declared innocent, you'll see."

Lily stared at his set face and felt somewhat better herself. Thank god, she thought. The word of the Malfoys would be nothing compared to Clark's. "Alright then, James. Say good luck to your father for me." She turned to go, but his words stopped her.

"And Lily?"

"Yes?"

"Go get some sleep, or put on a glamour-charm. You look like shit."

……

The rain broke at midday when Lily was in History of Magic. She stared out at it, wondering how James was doing and whether his father had gone home yet. At some point, class ended and Lily followed Rebecca down to lunch, sitting next to her and staring up at the ceiling. She wanted it to open up so all the rain could pour over her.

"You have to eat, Lily," Rebecca told her. Lily glanced at her friend and frowned. "Come on, Lily," Rebecca pressed. "You're going to collapse from exhaustion."

Sleep.

Lily looked at Rebecca and smiled. "Don't worry, Rebecca," she said quietly, "I'll be fine. Could you just tell Professor Kettleburn and then Professor Sprout that I'm not feeling well?"

Rebecca gave her a strange look. "Lily-we won't have Care of Magical Creatures or Herbology-the weather's too bad."

Lily relaxed. "Brilliant. I need some sleep."

Rebecca gave her another strange look, the glanced around the room. "Lily, where's James?"

"His father's trial," Lily replied immediately. Rebecca gave her a horrified look and Lily shook her head. "Don't worry. He can't possibly be guilty."

Rebecca gripped Lily's arm, but Lily shook her off. "I have to go take a nap," she said, her voice slightly high-pitched. "Please let go."

Rebecca snatched her hand back. "Have a good sleep, Lily," she said quietly, and that was that. Lily hurried back to her room, feeling incredibly strange. She felt…as if she was putting on a show, but for whom, she did not know. She put her books down on the floor by her bed and climbed on, lying on her stomach and letting the sound of the rain pounding on the room lull her into a deep sleep.

She woke with a start some hours later and looked out the window. It was drizzling lightly now, and the sun was invisible. She frantically looked around for her clock and saw that it was almost six. She jumped out of bed and combed her fingers through her hair, rubbing sleep from her eyes and hurrying down to the common room. It was full of people, none of them people she wanted to see. Glancing around to make sure no one saw her, she headed to the boys' staircase. A first year girl looked at her strangely and Lily drew herself up taller. "Head's business," she said, and the first year shrugged, walking away from the staircase. She climbed all the way up to the top floor and knocked on the door, just then realizing she would need a reason to drop by.

Remus opened the door, his face grave, and he stiffened when he saw her. "Lily," he muttered, looking around shiftily. "Um…do you…is there something you need?"

Lily looked past him and noticed her cloak and a set of her school robes draped over a chair. "Er-yes! I needed my cloak. And my robes. I'll just get them, shall I?"

She pushed past him and went over to the chair, picking up the bundle of cloth and holding it in her arms. As she did so, a book that had been lying on the chair was revealed. She read the title and stopped dead, feeling Remus come up behind her.

An Insider's Guide to Career-Searching for Werewolves.

Remus snatched up the book and threw it on his bed. "Just some research," he said hastily.

Lily counted chairs and realized she had been mistaken. James's chair was over by his bed. This was Remus's. James had probably thrown her clothes on the nearest chair and then dropped on his bed without saying anything. She could see him doing that.

She turned to face Remus and stepped away at the look of fear in his eyes. She swallowed hard. "Remus-I-"

"Don't tell anyone," he said quietly. "Please."

"I would never," Lily replied immediately. So many things made sense now. Lily bit her lip, needing to think of something else besides Remus Lupin as a werewolf. "Is…is James back?"

Remus's entire countenance changed. He suddenly gained a resigned, grave air about him. "Yes."

Lily stared at him, just then remembering Rebecca's desperate and fearful behavior at lunch. "And his-"

"Guilty."

Lily dropped her robes and steadied herself against the chair. "They can't-that's not possible!"

"It's bad, Lily," Remus said. "He just-he went outside and Sirius and Peter are out there looking for him…"

"I think I should-should go," Lily said, stooping to pick up her robes and hurrying to the door.

"Lily!" Remus called after her.

She turned to face him, breathing hard.

"Please don't tell anyone," Remus said, "please."

She shook her head, then nodded, the laughed, albeit unsteadily. "Don't worry. You can-you can trust me."

She was out the door. She dropped her robes off in her room and pulled on her cloak, then raced outside, into the drizzle. A fine mist coated her hair in just moments as she stopped to choose which direction to go in. She closed her eyes and thought of all the things James had ever said to her-he loved Hogsmeade, she knew, and also Diagon Alley, but he could hardly get there from Hogwarts! He loved…the lake, and the small hiding places made by the trees and the rocks. The rain washed down over Lily, bringing certainty. That's where James would be: the lake.

She set out at a run and stopped halfway along the right bank, where the shore of the lake was. Just feet away, the Forbidden Forest began. She swatted her way through trees and squinted in the rain, then quite suddenly almost tripped over him, sitting under the shelter provided by a huge, gnarled oak.

She fell to her knees so hard that the shocks made her bite her lip in pain, but she ignored it and put her arms around him tightly, feeling him grasp her forearms with his hands and bend his face against the backs of his hands. Lily buried her face into the place where neck became shoulder and pressed her mouth against the damp skin. He's not wearing a cloak, she thought vaguely, shivering, or a jumper…just his shirt.

"Break up with him," James told her, his voice barely a whisper. Lily nodded fiercely into his shirt, inhaling deeply.

"I will." She looked up him, tightened her fingers in his, and ran her hand down his chest. "I will." She twisted his shirt in her hands and tried to hug him tighter, but he was unresponsive. After a while, Lily pulled back and away a little, getting up on her knees in front of him. James stared over her shoulder at the lake; Lily was acutely aware of the sound of the rain slapping on the surface and then sliding under the lake. Lily imagined how each drop created a never-ending ripple and then was pulled down beneath the surface, melding into a larger whole. Lily also imagined that James was staring at the same thing she was thinking of.

"Could you…would you come to my mother's funeral?" he asked. "It's in…three days."

Lily swallowed, opened her mouth to say yes, was unable to deny him anything ever again, not James, not James-but all that came out was, "I shouldn't."

Even Lily had to think about this for a moment. Earlier Clark had asked her and she had truly thought it would be wrong for her to attend-but this, this was different-she wanted to go, she wanted to keep James company. And yet…she couldn't say yes. Why? Why?

Something solid settled between them, something dark and hideous and horrible and consuming. Lily had no idea what could be going on. She wanted to say yes, dammit! She needed to explain this to him, explain that this couldn't be her choice, this person who was refusing him wasn't her-she wasn't that cold, she couldn't, wouldn't turn her back on him…

"Leave," he said roughly, his breath ragged, and Lily shook her head, still trying to tell him but unable to do so. James shoved her away, deaf to her quiet but desperate protests to listen…James slowly raised his eyes to look at her. "LEAVE!" he yelled, startling her. The urge to yell back at him came and passed, as did the urge to cry, but that was gone, because crying was unnecessary and he had a simple request. It took some time, but in the end, one thing happened.

Lily left.

……

The uncut scene in the middle can be found here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sarinileni/14288.html

This is where we left off, okay? So that means…the next chapter has NEVER BEEN SEEN before. YES!!! Chapter 27, everyone. In a week. Just a week…whoot!

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=thegreatbreak

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