Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 24: Of
Wretches and Wrongs
Date Begun: Sunday, January 16, 2005
Date Finished: Monday, January 24, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May
02, 2005
……
[If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed, by Dashboard Confessional]
……
They found out the next morning.
The day felt strange to Lily. She tied her hair back and straightened her shirt, fastening the clasp of her necklace at the nape of her neck. Rebecca had gone to the hospital wing claiming nausea and all the other girls were still asleep. Lily kept her movements silent as she put down her brush. She picked up her bag and left the Tower, walking with surprising swiftness down to breakfast.
They were very few people up at this early hour. A few first year Slytherins, several Ravenclaws, one or two Hufflepuffs, and a number of Gryffindors were eating breakfast at the tables. The Marauders, minus James, were down at the far end of the table.
There were no people in the room who would inform Vince if she talked to them, so Lily walked the length of the table and stopped near them.
"Morning."
"We don't know where he is," Peter said immediately. "He came in at midnight from detention and got called to Dumbledore's office at four in the morning."
Lily bit her lip, resting her hand on the table to keep from falling over. "You don't think…"
"I sure as hell hope not," Sirius whispered, his fingers threaded through the hair at his temples. He looked slightly mad for a moment as he stared into space. Lily frowned.
"That's…damn it…."
Remus swore. "Merlin-this is mad! I'm so sick of not knowing what's going on."
They left it at that and Lily sat down a few places down from them this time, staring at an empty plate, her mind furiously working. Possibilities were running through her mind, possibilities concerning James's parents, his home, his Head Boy position…anything that had to do with him. She did not know how long she sat there, six seats down from Sirius, but she was there long enough for the post to come in. A copy of the Daily Prophet dropped onto the plate in front of her. Lily stared at it and then picked it with shaking hands, hearing the sound of Sirius ripping into his.
She moved slowly, as if in a fog, and she heard the sound of Sirius's breath leaving his body just as she shook open the paper and saw the huge, glaring headline. She didn't read it at first, just stared at the huge letters and the picture below, one of Clark and Sabia Potter in spectacular dress, obviously at the New Year's Eve party that had just been held.
She still did not read the headline. She looked down at the first line of the article and then returned to the headline, finally reading it.
PROMINENT D.O.M EMPLOYEE FOUND DEAD-HUSBAND IDENTIFIED AS ONLY SUSPECT!
She set the paper down and got off the bench, looking around the room. Vince was at the Slytherin table, reading his paper. Almost in a trance, she walked across the Hall, ignoring the stares she attracted as she almost collided with tables. She stopped right behind him and waited for him to turn around.
He did slowly, looking surprised. "Lily? Have you seen the-"
"What did you do?" she asked fiercely, taking a step forward.
He tilted his head back a little and raised one fair eyebrow the slightest bit. "I beg your pardon?"
"You did something last night," she whispered hotly, "in the owlery. The Potters-they were nice to me! And I think you had something to do with this-"
Vince swung his legs around and stood slowly, towering over her. "I swear on my father's life that I had nothing to do with this," he said. "Okay?"
"No!"
They would have continued but Lily caught sight of James walking into the hall and she stopped to look at him. He did not look at anyone as he walked down the table to his friends, who were staring at him, transfixed.
He looked like a vision from Hell.
He reached the other Marauders and Lily blinked, turning back to Vince. "Do you-do you swear?"
He smiled slowly. "I swear."
Lily sighed, pressing her fingers to her temples and looking at James, who had snatched up a paper and was staring at it in blankly. Somehow, she knew that a cold, cold rage was filling his bespectacled eyes. "Fine."
"Now, may I please finish my breakfast?"
Lily nodded and walked away without another word. She went back to her table and took her paper, ordering herself not to look at James. She felt restrained, as if everything she was doing was not of her own accord. How could Vince make her so forgetful, so meek and forgiving? It took her all of three seconds to make it out of the Great Hall and stop outside by the doors. She stood, staring at the wall and trying to quell the anger that was boiling up in her stomach.
Vince sent a letter that caused this, and then-then!-he had the gall to lie to her about it. The paper crumpled in her fist and she growled, shocking herself. The Marauders chose that moment to leave breakfast and Sirius spotted her. Before Lily saw him shake his head to stop her, she was walking over. "James-"
He walked right past her without even a glance and Lily stepped away, stung. She stared at his back, her mouth open a little, feeling like she wanted to scream as loud as she possibly could.
Lily was nothing if she was not persistent. She ran after him, ignoring the pounding footsteps behind her. She caught hold of his robes halfway up to Gryffindor tower and made him stop. He whirled in the middle of the corridor and faced her, positively livid.
"Vince Malfoy is only with you so he can get closer to Rebecca Rookwood!" he yelled. Lily jumped back.
"James-your mother-"
"Did you hear what I JUST SAID?" he bellowed.
"Your mother just-and all you can think about is Vince and his bleeding motivations? Are you mad?" Lily took a step forward and James glared down at her.
"And it's not like her parents wouldn't approve of him-he's so fucking perfect with his idiotic pure blood and all that shit-"
"My mother approves of him too-so what?"
"I don't want to hear about your MOTHER!" James shouted. "I don't give a crap! I just want you to break up with stupid Malfoy so he stops using you for Rebecca's stupid gift!"
"You heartless prat," Lily breathed. "Your mother just got killed and you're telling me to break up with my boyfriend. You're-you're unbelievable."
"I DON'T CARE! JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM!"
"NO! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"
"Not my business?" James asked, his voice dropping to a whisper. Lily fervently thanked any higher being who deigned to listen that everyone was at breakfast. "I fuck you for two whole weeks and then your boyfriend's family kills my mother, frames my father, and gets away with it and you just-you stay with him? My mother was great to you and this is what you do? You sleep with fucking Vince Malfoy. Well, congratulations, Lily Evans! Who's the one without a heart? Me? Or you?"
"You're compartmentalizing," Lily accused. "You're pushing this out of the way and concentrating on me because it's easier, isn't it?"
"Believe whatever you want, Lily. I think I'm going to have a fly." He turned and walked back the way they'd came without another glance at her. She started after him but Sirius, coming out from around the corner, grabbed her arm and pulled her around to face him. She tried to push away from him but he held her arms tightly.
"Don't-" he said haltingly, his voice cracked. "Damn-I have no clue what to say to him so just-please leave him alone."
Lily shook her head fiercely. "He's…he shouldn't be alone-"
"James likes to be alone." Sirius kept his hold on Lily. "Please, Lily. I know you love him but you've just got to give him some space-you haven't known him as long as I have and I think-I think he just needs to brood a little. Please, Lily. I'm asking you as a-as a friend. Leave him be."
"I'm a friend now, is that it?" Lily put her hands on Sirius's shoulders to steady her weak knees. She felt sick to her stomach when she thought about the stupid headline and she knew she was about to collapse.
"Yeah," Sirius answered softly. "Lily…."
"She was…" Lily started, feeling too drained to cry. She could do that later, in her dormitory.
"Fuck-don't do this," Sirius said, pushing her away. Lily sent him a dirty look as she collected herself. She was a mess; she was all over the place and she was about to hit something, very, very soon. "Please don't talk about it," Sirius requested. "Just leave it alone or I'm going to have to stab myself in the leg. Or you. I may stab you in the leg."
Lily snorted, but couldn't keep the fear from growing within her. "Really?" she asked curiously, half-believing he would do it, considering how he had told her he wouldn't hesitate to hit a girl way back it December. It was only a few weeks ago, but it seemed as if it had been months. Time had stopped for her at the Potters'…and now that household was ruined, and it was probably because of her boyfriend.
Vince had sworn on his father's life…how could he have possibly caused this if he had sworn on his dad's life?
"Like I'd hit a girl," Sirius said, rolling his eyes and bringing her back to reality. "Are you going to leave him alone, Lily?"
"I'm not making any promises," she finally said.
"Please-"
"Stop pleading-you look like a kicked dog," Lily said irritably.
Sirius paused. "Lily-you don't know what you're doing. Please be careful. I don't think I've ever said please so much in my life before."
"I'll leave it for now," Lily gave in. "But later…sooner or later, Sirius, I'm going to talk to him."
Sirius held up his hands. "That's all I wanted to know."
"Are you skiving today?" Lily began walking towards the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"Of course," Sirius said. "As if I could concentrate now that…"
Lily didn't wait to hear him falter. She gave the password and entered the common room, running up to her room so she could look out the window. From her side of the tower, she could see nothing of the Quidditch pitch.
"What're you doing here?"
Lily shrieked and turned, her hands clamped over her mouth. Rebecca was lying on her bed, her hair spread out on her pillow like a halo of darkness. Lily slowly brought her hands down from her mouth and kept them at her sides.
"Did you hear?" Lily asked her, her voice strained.
Rebecca sat up, looking at Lily sharply. There was a level of acceptance in her eyes that shook Lily, right down to the marrow in her bones. "Hear…what?"
"James's mum…she's been…." Lily swallowed hard. "Killed. And Mr. Potter is their only suspect-I…"
Rebecca brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them, resting her chin atop them. "Oh."
"Rebecca," Lily began hesitantly, trying to tear her mind away from the image of Sabia hugging James. "Did you know, last night?"
Rebecca shrugged, hiding her face.
"Rebecca." Lily sat down on her friend's bed. "Why did you tell him you were sorry?"
Rebecca looked up and her face was streaked with tears. "Because I knew something was going to happen to him. Something bad. And it did-I should have stopped it, I should have known…"
"How did you know?" Lily ventured.
"I know things," Rebecca sniffled, shrugging. "I can feel things and sometimes I know little things…I try not to tell people, especially nowadays because…it's very useful. Imagine what it would be like, having someone there to tell you when something was about to go wrong. I imagine there are people in the world who would give up anything to have me…to use me"
Lily felt dread growing somewhere deep inside her. It swelled up until she could barely think. "Do you…you…people like Malfoy?"
"Lucius?" Rebecca asked softly. "Lucius…"
Lily had meant Vince, but she let it slide.
"Did you know I used to be in…well, yes, I guess you could say love-with Lucius Malfoy?" Rebecca asked, her voice carrying quietly in the small, still room.
Lily shook her head, then realized that was stupid because Rebecca was not looking. "No."
"It started innocently enough. Last year during the Christmas Holidays I went to drop something off for my brother-he was visiting the Malfoys. Lucius and I met and we…well…we clicked, I guess you could say. Come summertime I was sleeping with him. And I just…well, I realized what a bastard he was." Rebecca laughed weakly and wiped her eyes. "So I broke it off with him. Vince-I talked to him a few times. We don't like each other very much and he-well, suffice to say that we don't get along. But for a while there I was really lost. Lucius is so persuasive, so smooth…he drove me crazy."
"And you…you loved him?" Lily could hardly love her own boyfriend, let alone imagine loving his terrifying brother.
"I lusted for him," Rebecca said, squeezing her legs closer. "Do you see the difference?" She looked up and locked her eyes on Lily's, and Lily knew this conversation was about to turn around towards her.
Oh, well… she thought. At least then you don't have to think about James's parents…
Lily cleared her throat. "Yes, I know the difference."
"No," Rebecca said, her voice misty. "You know the difference in definitions…not how to tell the difference between the two different feelings."
"I know how to tell." Lily's voice had a defensive tone it that made her cringe.
"Do you love James, or do you just feel lust for him?"
Something shifted in the room, something imperceptible and essential change with the noise of something banging into place. "Neither," Lily whispered. "I don't know."
She did, though, and a flash of pain suddenly blazed around her neck. It was gone in an instant-Lily was sure she imagined the searing sensation.
"You know," Rebecca said fervently, disturbing Lily a little. "You know."
"But-what about Malfoy? Lucius?"
"So yes, I didn't love Lucius. I just…wanted him. Sex is wonderful, I suppose, but I didn't want a real, true relationship. That's how he found out I've got this stupid ability, you know. I guessed something I wasn't supposed to and he worked out that I'm slightly clairvoyant…I don't want a relationship with anyone right now because I don't think I want to deal with anyone looking at me like I'm strange."
"And Remus?" Lily finally asked, voicing her one concern.
Rebecca sighed, still staring out the window. "He has problems. I don't know just what they are but I feel them so strongly sometimes. I just…well, perhaps something light with him. I don't want to fall in love or anything right now."
"Rebecca," Lily began, feeling terrible because yes, just hours ago James's mother had died, and yes, Rebecca was terribly torn out about it-yes, Mr. Potter, of all people was the only suspect in his wife's death, and yes, Lily was grilling Rebecca for information, "do you ever feel weird when you're around Vince and me?"
"All the time," Rebecca replied immediately, facing Lily. "He's not for you Lily, not like James is…"
"James said Vince was using me," Lily added, leaving out the part about just what Vince was using her for.
"Probably," Rebecca sighed again. "What are you going to do about James?"
"What about him?" Lily plucked at the bedspread and averted her eyes from Rebecca's probing, violet-tinted gaze. She wore no makeup, her hair was in disarray, her face was red and blotchy, and she was painfully unattractive to look at in the first place. Lily did not need the added discomfort of looking at her strange eyes.
"He's going to have a hard time of it. Don't you think you should break up with Vince so you can help James?"
It was Lily's turn to stare out the window. "Soon," she whispered. "Soon."
……
Later that day, Lily found Vince in the library's Restricted Section, poring over a huge book with his wand lit above him. Lily, being Head Girl, was allowed in here whenever she wanted. Lily shuddered when she thought about what Vince could be looking up.
"Vince?" she whispered. He held up a finger and she rested her weight on one leg, tapping her foot with impatience when he still did not look up after a minute. "Vince!"
"What?" he hissed, looking up from his book. Lily rolled her eyes at him and he set the book down carefully and stood, stepping over it carefully and making sure he didn't mess up the pages.
"We need to talk," she muttered, and he let out a choke of laughter. "What?" she asked irritably. "What, Vince? I'm not in the mood!"
He grabbed her hand and pulled her up against him, pressing his body tightly against hers. Lily expected either a twisted sense of desire or revulsion, but instead she felt…nothing. She could not care less.
"Vince, we really need to talk."
"Go on," Vince said, breaking away from her stiff body with a look of disgust and leaning against a bookshelf. He fiddled with a chain he wore around his neck, looked at the ceiling, and sighed when Lily said nothing. She couldn't seem to form the words.
Finally, Vince threw his hands up in the air. "What, Lily? What could possibly be so important that you have to bother me about it?"
"Are you a Death Eater?" she blurted, her eyes widening at her own lack of tact. They were all alone, deep in the recesses of the library. He could do anything to her and no one would hear.
To her surprise, he simply laughed, rolling up both his sleeves and showing her his forearms. "No Mark," he explained. "I'm not a Death Eater, Lily. Has Rebecca been putting ideas in your head?"
"No," Lily said stubbornly. "Here's one more…did you kill Lance Weasley?"
Vince shrugged. "I already said no. I'm not going to explain myself again."
Had he said no? Lily could not remember. "Did you…did you tell your brother to kill…Mrs. Potter?"
"Nope," Vince said cheerfully. "Lily-Sabia Potter was weird. She was a waste of humanity. She was a Slytherin-did you know that? She married a Gryffindor. That's unforgivable."
"You're a Slytherin. I'm a Gryffindor-I'll do you one better, I'm a Muggleborn Gryffindor."
"I don't care much for propriety," Vince said, waving his hand.
"Liar," Lily accused. "You do care."
"Well, I care about you more."
LIAR! her mind screamed, but she said nothing. She crossed her arms. "Sabia Potter seemed very…decent," she said, toning down her description so as not to arouse Vince's suspicions. "She didn't look like a waste of humanity."
Vince scoffed. "Haven't you met her son?" He gestured vaguely. Lily had no idea why. "He's pathetic. He's probably blubbering right now because his father went crazy and decided to off his wife. She was probably shagging someone on the side."
Lily suppressed a shriek of rage as he talked about the Potters like that. "Vince-we are-"
"I need to finish this, Lily," Vince said quietly, picking some lint of his shirtfront. "Could you please leave me alone?"
Lily stood there, poised to attack him, her bottom lip caught hard between her teeth. Rage was boiling in every single part of her body; she was going to kill him…quite suddenly, all her anger was gone, and she was regarding him dispassionately. "Fine, Vince," she said dully. "I don't even care anymore."
He paid her no attention and she exited the library, rubbing her forehead. She had such a headache it was unbelievable. "Oh-sleep…yes, sleep, please…."
She bumped into someone and immediately began fumbling for her wand. It fell from her pocket and she stooped down to get it just as a tan hand entered her field of vision and picked up the wand for her.
She took it from the boy, then looked up and met his eyes. She caught her breath, dazed. Surely, this was Rebecca's brother. He had the same piercing, violet eyes.
While Rebecca's features looked slightly unnatural for a girl, on this boy they were positively stunning. He was gorgeous, simply put-not in the way Vince was, or in the way Sirius was…but simply gorgeous in a way that Lily had never seen before.
He smiled, revealing even, perfect white teeth. "Hello. Lily Evans, right?"
Mutely, she nodded.
"Augustus Rookwood," he said, holding out his hand. "Pleasure to meet the Head Girl, finally."
Lily did not take his hand. She would die before she took this polished, charming, deadly-seeming boy's hand.
He retracted his extended arm with a slightly perplexed look on his face. "I'm in Ravenclaw," he murmured, "but…ah, yes! Do you know my sister Rebecca? She's in your dormitory."
"I know her," Lily said, finally finding her voice. "She's a friend of mine."
"She's mentioned you," he said, smiling again. Lily frowned. "Dinner's just beginning," he said. "Would you walk with me down to the Great Hall?"
Lily smiled sweetly, deciding how to deal with him. "I'm sorry, but I've got something to take care of back in my dorm. It was nice meeting you, though."
She bolted, leaving him standing in the middle of the corridor. What a strange person! She walked quickly for a good ten minutes before stopping and looking around. She was on the opposite side of the castle from the Great Hall, where dinner was. Shadows cloaked every corner she saw when she turned and torches cast flickering light everywhere she turned. Lily swallowed, tightened her grip on her wand, and turned her back on the darkness, ready to get back to well-lit parts of the castle.
She screamed when the sound of something shrieking tore through the air. It was a short, painfully loud and high-pitched screech of something not human, something not real. Lily whirled and held her wand out, the tip glowing even though she had not said a word.
She strained to see past the darkness in the corners and backed up, realizing that the sound must have been purely in her mind. Abandoning all remaining vestiges of bravery, Lily turned and raced away, taking several turns and ending up right back where she started, in front of the library.
Augustus Rookwood was gone and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. She leaned against a wall and tucked her wand into her pocket, breathing deeply and still looking around for an unseen attacker. She straightened her robes with trembling hands and waited until she could breathe properly before starting towards the Great Hall.
She peeked in to see whether James was there. He was not, and nor were any of the other Marauders. Forgetting about her promise to Sirius, Lily gave up on dinner and left the castle, keeping close to the wall so she wouldn't be seen.
When she was out of sight of the doors she made a run for the Quidditch Pitch. It was frigid outside but Lily was running so fast she did not even notice. She kicked up clouds of snow that danced in the frozen, still air, shimmering in the white moonlight and coming down like a shower of diamonds and pixie dust all around her. Lily shook some snow off her eyelashes and came to a stop near the Quidditch stands, feeling much better.
She could hear the voices before she entered, and she did so silently. She crept up the stairs of one of the stands and emerged in one of the highest boxes, keeping in the shadows so she would not be seen. Looking down, she noted that Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all sitting on the railing by the lowest level of stands, talking quietly as James zoomed from side to side overhead. Lily could not hear a word they were saying and decided she did not really care, as long as she could make sure James was okay. He looked frozen-he wasn't wearing a cloak and had obviously forgotten a warming charm.
She squinted and pointed her wand, quickly calculating in her mind just when the spell would hit and when he would reach the spot. She sent the strongest warming charm she knew at him and it hit him right in the chest. James's gaze did not stray from straight ahead but the three boys below caught sight of the abnormal flash of light. They obviously had not seen it hit James, and they soon returned to their whispered conversation.
She settled back to watch his silhouette cross the moon, his hair blown back by the fierce, cold wind. Lily wrapped her arms around herself and shivered, shifting to get more comfortable. Her heart seemed as if it were grasped in a vice-a constant, overwhelming pain assailed her and ruined her concentration so thoroughly she could hardly think about anything-except James.
When Lily thought about James-she always linked him to his mother in some form. Over the past two weeks she had realized that he was an exact mix of both his parents. He had sporadic bouts of quiet dignity as his father did-the same brooding quality that made Mr. Potter such an enigma to Lily. He had his mother's spirit-her mischievousness and her confidence. He had her faith and her hope and her ideals…and the intensity of both of them. He had an intensity that was so rare Lily wanted to keep it and put it in a glass case, protect it from outside harm.
Now she could see James, and part of him was black. His mother-that huge, monumental part of him-she was gone and a void had taken her place. James Potter did not have a mother anymore. If things continued to progress as they did at the moment, then he would not have a father with three months' time. James was very, very, alone, simply by isolation. More importantly, he was alone in a way that Lily could not help with. She could not sit with him and fill the void losing his mother had caused.
A mother…what was a mother?
Lily had very few childhood memories. Her early life had been very pleasant, she knew, and she had never lacked love. For some reason, however, she just could not seem to remember much from when she was little except for the fact that her mother always used to smell like ginger. It was a spicy, tangy scent, sharp and clean so painfully missed now that Lily had to take a deep breath to keep tears at bay. She wanted her mother so much right at that moment-so much that she was ready to go inside and write a letter just to make sure she was okay.
The wind whistled shrilly though the siding of the stands, whipping around Lily's huddled body. She was much too lazy to perform a charm on herself. She sat there for what must have been five more minutes before a repeated creaking sound alerted her that someone was climbing the steps. She saw Sirius's hair before his face and recognized him that way, smiling slightly at him before turning her wet eyes back out to the dark night.
"James really misses you."
"He just spoke to me this morning," Lily answered immediately.
Sirius made an annoyed sound. "No, Lily. He misses you. You didn't talk to him-you argued with him. I'm going to admit that I-well, I was wrong. You should have gone after him. That's what he wanted, what he expected."
Lily shrugged. "Oh…well….I don't…um…"
"Shut up," Sirius said straight away. "Don't ever try to tell me you don't care. Of course you do."
"I'm not saying I don't care," Lily answered. "I'm just saying that there's nothing I can do for him. I don't know what to say…I've never had to deal with anything like this. Sirius-there's always this idea-this overshadowing of a new Dark Order led by some wizard named Voldemort-a creature who isn't really human who eats Death itself…that's been an idea. But now? Now it's…it's real. Something's happening. Something so bad I can't even begin to tell you and James is in the middle of it. I have a mother and a father and they're both alive and well but he…he doesn't have that. Because of my…because of Vince. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I don't know," Sirius replied tiredly. "I would never date a Malfoy."
"No," Lily snapped, "but I am dating a Malfoy, and I just can't seem to get out of it."
"James has got a lot to deal with, Lily," Sirius said, stepping backward as he turned to leave. Once more, Lily was seeing the Sirius she had seen earlier, the boy who had threatened to hit her if she hurt his friend. "Try not to make it worse. Help him, please…but do it without getting his hopes up if you're too much of a coward to break up with your boyfriend."
She had hurt James, and she was remarkably free of Sirius-caused bruises.
"Think about this, though," Sirius said, halting his progress towards the stairs. "One day, James is going to pound the bloody shit out the entire Death Eater regime…are you going to be defending along with Malfoy," he began, starting down the creaky steps, his voice getting quieter and quieter as the wind stole his words away-she could feel what he meant…his anger and his conviction permeated the air around him, qualities that were so uniquely Sirius's she wondered why she had never been his friend before this year-and he turned back to her, just before his upper body left her line of sight. "Or are you going to be beating the bastards' heads in with James?"
……
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