Unofficial Portkey Archive

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 17: Of Reality and Running
Date Begun: Sunday, August 29, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, September 6, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

"If I woke up alone

I won't stop till I find you and you are with me
Cause by now, I know you better than you know yourself
And I know what you really need
What you need, or I need
But either way this is where you should be
Here with me, or I'll bleed so much that you won't believe

You better not, you better not run
You better not, you better not run"

-The Runaway, Something Corporate

……

The next morning, Lily woke gradually as the smell of frying bacon sneaked into her nostrils. She remembered how little she had eaten the night before and she groaned, rolling out of her bed and catching herself against the end table before she hit the ground. She blindly reached for the robe James had given her for Christmas and pulled it on, tying the sash tightly to keep out the cold.

She sat down on the edge of her bed for a moment, facing the mirror on the vanity, which thankfully did not speak. She stared hard at her reflection, taking in the deeply shadowed circles beneath her dull eyes. She was not herself. She was thinner as well, although they may have just been the extra exercise she was getting. She could not help but think that ever since she had started to feel…no, ever since she had started her thing with James, she felt terrible.

She really needed to end it…or find some way to eradicate these feelings….She ignored the part of her mind that told her the only reason it was terrible was because she knew it would have to end.

In the hall, she came face to face with James, who had stopped right out side her door and raised his hand to knock.

"Oh. You're up." He looked her over. "You might want to get dressed."

Lily squinted at the clock: eight in the morning. "Who's here at this hour? Your parents have gone to work, Sirius doesn't give a damn, and you've seen me in less."

"Molly Weasley is here with her husband and her sons. Her brothers and the Longbottoms are here too. And my mother's home."

Lily rubbed her forehead with her hand and groaned again. She turned, yanking off the warm robe and pulling off her nightgown. She heard James leave and she stumbled into the shower, grudgingly giving her hair a thorough wash.

She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, rubbing herself dry and slipping into whatever clothes she could find. Thankfully, she saw as she looked in the mirror, they somewhat matched. She had never done well on little sleep; her eyes still had enormous dark circles under them that made her look altogether unhealthy.

There was nothing for it; she left her room and shut the door quietly, mindful of other people in the house. She padded down to the kitchen, opening the door with as little noise as possible.

The sudden increase of volume astounded her. A red-headed toddler was sitting quietly on a chair with a picture-book in his lap, and a boy she supposed as Charlie Weasley was chattering on excitedly with his older brother, Bill, the subject of conversation being something that involved excessive hand gestures. Molly Weasley, whom Lily knew by name and description only, was talking with Frank and Alice Longbottom, who had been in sixth year when Lily was in first. Molly's younger brothers Gideon and Fabian Prewett, one year younger than Frank and Alice, were talking with Sabia. Lily knew they worked in the same department as the Potters. James and Sirius sat at the kitchen table with small smiles, looking highly amused at the chaos in the room.

Lily looked longingly at the cookies on the table but decided she would call too much attention to herself if she dared reach for one, so she took a seat next to Sirius and ignored her stomach.

Sabia set down a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast in front of Lily, who smiled gratefully and tucked in furiously. She finished in record time and took her plate to the sink, and that was her undoing.

"Aren't you the Head Girl? My cousin told me about you!" Charlie Weasley asked. Lily only knew who he was because she knew Molly Weasley had three boys, and he was not the smallest nor the biggest. He was a small boy, about four years old, stocky and a little chubby.

Lily rinsed her plate and tried to smile, but she was sure it came out as more of a grimace. "Yes. You're…Charlie, right?"

Charlie nodded, wide-eyed. "That's Bill," he said, jerking his finger over his shoulder. "That's Percy-he's going to be a regular old Head Boy when he grows up."

Percy was the child looking at the picture book.

"I'm Molly Weasley," Mrs. Weasley put in, and then motioned to her two brothers. "Gideon and Fabian. And-"

"Frank and Alice Longbottom," Lily said, smiling genuinely now. "You were in sixth year when I was in first. I'm Lily Evans."

Gideon Prewett's mouth dropped open but his brother Fabian furrowed his brow. "Wait-weren't you the one with the two plaits-the short, shy one who I tutored when I was in fifth year?"

Lily knew a blush was staining her cheeks. "Yes," she mumbled.

Gideon leaned back in his chair, a lazy, conceited grin on his face. Lily could see that he had reason to be full of himself-his strawberry-blonde hair was thick and shiny and he was well-built-almost too well-built for comfort. His brother was exactly the same, but his twin did not look impressed by the way Lily had grown up. In fact, the look on Fabian's face as he looked at first Sabia, then Lily was absolutely frightening. Lily could tell exactly what would follow-the question about whether she was Vince, what she was doing at this house in particular-

"Aren't you with V-"

James grabbed Lily from behind and kissed her cheek softly, making her jump. Her nails dug hard into his wrist and his arms tightened around her to the point of pain to keep her from speaking. "She grew up some, didn't she?" he asked loudly, cutting Fabian off and grinning.

Gideon smirked. "She did indeed."

Lily broke away from James's embrace and forced a grin, sitting down. James sat down next to her and immediately took her free hand, shooting a look at Fabian Prewett as if to say `Fuck you, this is my girlfriend.'

They spent the morning in the kitchen and Lily only had a spare moment to wonder why Sabia had stayed home before she was put to work watching Bill, Charlie and Percy, supervising them as they twisted paper and tinsel together to make ornaments. In truth, it was the only thing anyone could think of to occupy them, although Percy Weasley looked quite insulted when Lily showed him step-by-step how to make a little angel. Lily knew that he could probably do it twice as well as she could in half the time and resolved to dislike the little monster just for the look he gave her.

"…so then Uncle Lance goes: "Well maybe you should think before you act" and Millie goes "Well maybe you should leave me the hell alone" and then she got grounded for a month…"

Bill nodded a few times at Charlie, twisting paper and staring off into space.

Lily was startled awake when James sat down next to her and handed her a cookie some hours later. She looked around: Percy was back with his picture book and seemed to have started it over again, Charlie was asleep, and Bill was lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling as if in deep thought.

"He misses his cousin a lot…she's in her third year at Hogwarts. Probably thinking about her," James whispered to her.

He knows me too well, Lily thought, shifting uncomfortably.

"What time is it?" Lily asked, closing her eyes and swallowing a bite of the delicious cookie.

"Three in the afternoon."

Lily banged her head back against the headrest and groaned. "Eight to three is a long time to watch a couple of kids yammer on about nothing and make paper ornaments."

James laughed. "Well, you were asleep at eleven when I walked in, so you didn't really watch them for that long. Now I know to never let you baby-sit my kids."

Lily raised an eyebrow and said what she was thinking before pausing to ponder the consequences. "I thought you weren't going to fall in love enough to have kids. Or get married." She immediately regretted the remark because she sounded like a bitter shrew.

James waved the remark away. "I'll adopt. I like kids. Sometimes."

"Well, I don't. I know I'll like them more if they're my own, though."

James glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Going to have little Malfoy-Evanses running around the house, Lily?"

She turned to face him, her voice rising. "I told you I'm never going to marry him!"

Bill suddenly sat up and Lily let out a strangled cry from the sheer shock of it.

"Lily Evans," he said musingly. "Aren't you-aren't you going out with Vince Malfoy?"

Bill Weasley, at six years old, knew more about her life from his cousin than James's parents did. Lily bit her lip and then felt James grab her waist, bending her back over the arm of the chair and kissing her deeply. Lily ran her hands into his hair and kissed him back, making a small sound of protest when he pulled away.

"Does that answer your question, Bill?" James asked calmly, pulling Lily into a sitting position and turning to face the red-headed boy. Lily bit her lip in anger. It was not fair that he could be so cool after leaving her so hot.

"Er…yea…"

"Good, then," James said, and at that moment Molly Weasley called for her sons to leave.

……

That night, when Lily opened the door to her room after the soft knock, James shoved her down on the bed and locked the door securely.

"No one's walking in on us tonight," he said firmly, kicking off his shoes and joining her on the bed. He rolled over on top of her and began kissing her, one his legs fitting securely between hers. Lily could feel him hard as a rock against her thigh.

"My, you seem to have been waiting for quite awhile," she said slyly, and he made some sort of growling noise before pulling her back.

Oh-God, she was enjoying this too much. She had to stop. She pulled her mind away and focused on something else, but the only thing she could really think of was James.

It was nice-kissing James. Oh-that feels good…It was strange how he always seemed to treat each activity-whether it be kissing, of caressing, or anything of that nature-as if it were the ultimate goal instead of sex. He kissed to kiss, he touched to touch. They were not stepping stones to some greater purpose.

And she liked it.

She bit back her loud moan as he moved against her and turned her face away. What had happened to lessons? These were not merely lessons now-they had become something more, something deeper-not good, ever fiber of her being screamed, but when he was moving like that it was hard to think it bad. She knew she should get up and run away…but it was impossible.

The tingling feeling was almost unbearable when she felt him relax and Lily kept her desperate cry back as he looked down at her calculatingly, rolling off of her and collapsing on the other side of the bed, leaving her just on the edge...

"James-" she gasped, unbelieving.

"Yes, Lily?" His voice was even and well-modulated. She wanted to hit him.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Sleeping?"

She mustered the energy to turn over onto her side, glaring at him. "No-you're not. I didn't…I haven't…not…James!"

He was laughing at her!

"James-" Oh, God, she was on the verge of tears again. She was turning into a sniveling little wimp and it was all his fault.

"Do it yourself," he said lazily, stretching his arms over his head and yawning.

Lily's eyes widened in spite of herself. "Do-what?"

James rolled his eyes. "Do-it-your-self."

Lily flushed deeply when she caught his meaning. "I don't know…how…"

James paused and shifted to look at her, sitting up. "Wait-hold on just a second…I don't believe it. Haven't you ever-"

Lily shut her eyes tightly.

"It's very simple," James said slowly, his voice still laden with incredulity. "You-""

When Lily opened her eyes they were smarting with tears. She hit him hard on the chest and he winced. "Why are you such a bastard? I just told you I don't know how to do it myself." The last three words were dripping with sarcasm. "And I don't want to do it myself. I want you to do it to me. Un-der-stand?"

He was gazing at her impassively.

"James-I'm not going to-to get myself off-especially if you're right there. You'd probably get off on it, you pervert."

James moved closer to her, pressing her down on the bed and sliding his hands up her sides, making her close her eyes and breathe deeply. "You know-I probably would," he said quietly, dipping down and placing a soft, wet kiss on her jaw, then her throat, then her stomach. Lily shuddered-every inch of her skin was ten times more sensitive than it had been before. This was the worst feeling in the world-not having climaxed-but it made everything that much more amazing.

He was suckling hard at the skin on her waist. Lily bucked up against him, her thighs against his chest, telling him to get on with it. She had expected him to make her wait even longer, but this was too much.

She did not expect what he did next. He lifted his mouth from her skin, spreading her legs wider and bending his head between her thighs. His tongue blazed a hot, wet trail up her inner thigh, and then she was twisting violently away.

"Don't-not that­!"

"Oh-bloody hell, Lily. Come on. He's not just going to be satisfied with a shag now and again! He'd going to want to do things to you!"

Lily highly doubted that. "I said no. I don't want you to."

"You don't-you don't want me to?" he said, laughing. "You're so eager for anything, Lily. Why is this different?"

"I don't really think you need to teach me something like that. I think I'd pretty much just lie still while his mouth is…on me."

James had no reply to that. He moved closer and Lily scrambled away, suddenly self-conscious of her state of nakedness. "What are you doing?"

"Li-ly," James said, his hand sliding up her leg, "you asked me to do it to you-"

She tried to struggle-really, she did, but the way he was touching her left little room to ignore him and disregard what he was doing. It hurt-but not necessarily in a bad way. "Ow…" she whispered, and the same time letting out a moan of pure bliss. She thought he may have noticed how unusually, inexcusably rough this was, how amazing it felt, but he didn't seem to be able to stop. His breathing was labored, his eyes closed, his hands clenched tightly in the sheets above her head. Lily whimpered loudly but he did not hear. Her entire body moved and writhed with James until she couldn't even think, until all she could do was breathe hot breaths of pain and pleasure into his mouth.

……

"Hello again, Lily."

Lily glanced at the kitchen clock, which proclaimed that it was seven in the morning, and she blinked, staring from Remus Lupin to Peter Pettigrew and then back again. Remus was pale and drawn, although he looked better than he had the day before Christmas Eve. Peter looked just as he did in school, short and chubby with watery eyes and a weak mouth. His nose was pointed and his hair was thin. Lily sometimes wondered whether Peter Pettigrew was an old man trapped in a seventeen-year-old's body

She had woken almost a half-hour earlier, realizing that she had never asked Rebecca to come to her house. After she had sent off the letter she had been unable to sleep and she had come to the kitchen for some water. "Er…" What were they doing here?

They seemed to read her mind. "Well-it's James's birthday and the party tomorrow. So…"

"Ah," Lily said, nodding. She rubbed sleep from her eyes and smiled at Peter, who smiled nervously back. The kitchen was full of weak sunlight. Every time Lily moved she winced; the soreness from the night before was even worse than it had been her first time. She got a glass of water and sat down with Remus and Peter. "Oh-I don't have a gift for James."

"You can always put on something skimpy and jump out of a cake," Remus pointed out.

Lily made a face at him, but before she could reply, another voice cut in.

"Evans in a cake? To what would we owe this horror?"

"Shuddup, Black," Lily said, hunching down in her seat.

"James's birthday," Peter said, by way of explanation.

"You don't have a gift?" Sirius asked incredulously, taking the seat next to Remus. He looked entirely too cheerful and awake for the early hour.

Lily shook her head and groaned when Sirius grinned slyly.

"Well-you could always give him head or something equally pleasant."

Lily spat out a mouthful of water and had a coughing fit. Remus hid a smile and Peter burst into laughter, while Sirius simply sat back in his chair and smirked.

"What's so funny?" James asked, entering the kitchen and shooting Lily a swift look.

"We were discussing Lily's birthday gift for you," Sirius said loudly.

James rolled his eyes and walked over to the stove, taking out a pan and putting on the burner. "Come help me, Lily," he said, and Lily paused. Perhaps he had something he needed to tell her. She got up and Sirius raised an eyebrow, probably at her obedience.

"Why aren't you using magic?" she asked.

"Dad put a restrainer on my wand," James muttered. "'Cause I'm grounded and he found about the snowball fight the other day."

Lily nodded and got the eggs. She began cracking them into the pan, enjoying the immediate sizzling sound that followed. She scrambled the eggs and added salt and pepper, biting her lip.

"I'm sorry," James said after a moment, his voice quiet. He was staring at the skillet for the pancakes as if willing it to heat up faster. "I mean…I didn't really realize till after that you…that it hurt."

"It's okay," Lily answered. She paused, not sure whether she had truly forgiven him. It was not that hard to, after all. It hadn't been and unpleasant ending for her, not in the least…just…slightly more rough than she had been used to.

"You…but you liked it, right?"

All the awkwardness that should have been there after Christmas Eve was showing now. It was ridiculous. His eyes were averted. Lily knew he had left her room somewhere around two in the morning, and it showed in the shadows beneath his eyes.

"Well, yes…" Her reply was soft and he gave her a light smile, but she saw the relief in his eyes.

The eggs were about to burn. She transferred them to a bowl and started frying bacon and sausage. James spread pancake batter over the other skillet.

"Are your parents at work again?" she asked lightly, trying for small talk. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were having a loud conversation, but Lily could not seem to make out a word they were saying.

James shrugged and sighed. "Yeah." He flipped a pancakes and it broke in two. He swore and glared at it as if it were alive enough to kill.

"Don't you…don't you mind that they're hardly ever home?" Lily blurted, asking the one question that had been bothering her for days.

James sighed again. "When I was little they were always home," he began. "But…you know, when I got older, I began to understand that they had important jobs and that they needed to be devoted to them. And in my fifth year, I finally told them that they didn't need to worry about me-that I could take care of myself. And I could-holidays didn't hold any special meaning to me, so it wasn't like I needed them home on Christmas. They have the Ministry Party even year on my birthday so they're always home for that. I guess…it doesn't bother me as much as it should."

Lily nodded. "That's…good."

James smiled wryly, shaking off the mood. "Let's serve them breakfast."

Lily grinned, picking up some plates. She touched his wrist briefly and he shot her a slightly reproachful look.

Oh, right. Not falling for him, Lily thought. NOT falling for him…

……

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