Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 21: Of Lies and Hatred
Date Begun: Monday, November 29, 2004
Date
Finished: Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Date Posted: Monday, May 2,
2005
……
[Fall, by Something Corporate]
……
"You were a what?" Lily asked loudly, turning to James, whose mouth was hanging open.
"No-no I wasn't-" James glanced up and met her eyes; the guilt she saw made her stomach turn. The lies…
"Are YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?" Lily yelled. "You-you were a bleeding virgin?"
James shook his head vigorously and Sirius did too.
"James-," Remus cut in uneasily, but James whirled on his friend and pushed him hard in the shoulder.
"You've got no idea what you're talking about, so I would shut up if I were you," James hissed.
"This is ridiculous," Lily whispered, turning and walking down the steps of the terrace and out over the snowy backyard. A dim part of her mind marveled at the fact that they had reached the first floor terrace from a door in the cellar, but mostly she was concentrating on what a bastard James was and how snow was freezing her feet, encased in party shoes not meant for the cold.
"Lily!" James called, running after her. "Come on! Listen to me!"
She shook her head and kept on walking, biting her lip to keep from cursing at him. Lying about something like that was…unforgivable.
"I wasn't a virgin, okay? I didn't lie that badly. I wasn't."
By now he had caught up to her with his longer legs and she whipped around, poking him in the chest, already knowing the answer the question that was bursting forth from her lips. "Who'd you lose it to?
James faltered and opened his mouth several times. "Um…"
"Who?" Lily insisted angrily, locking her eyes on his. He shook his head.
"Lily…"
By now, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Rebecca had caught up to them and were gasping for breath.
"You owe me, James. You owe me big. Just tell me, please. I'm not even going to be angry-I just…want to know. I swear-I won't get hacked off."
Lily suddenly remembered all the strange comments that had been made whenever the shagging that went on between her and James was brought up. Sirius muttered something, and Lily was about to turn to him when James said one, simple word.
"Catherine."
The sound Lily's palm made when it connected with his cheek was so satisfying she almost smiled. As it was, she was hysterical enough to laugh slightly. "You bloody bastard," was all she could manage. "You've lied so much…oh, fuck, James-you swore to me that you never slept with her. But you did, didn't you? She was your first…"
It was impossible for Lily to admit to herself the reason she was truly disappointed. For a split-second, the idea that she herself has been the first person James had had sex with was so…utterly nice. It was romantic. It made her feel…less cheap. He had something of hers that she could never get back, but she did not have that from him. She had never consciously acknowledged to herself that it bothered her.
It did. He had promised that he had never slept with Catherine, and despite the fact that Lily had said she did not care, she did care. She cared so much it hurt.
James had his hand on his flaming cheek but he took it away and tried to grab hers but Lily smacked his hand away. "Don't try to touch me now! Who else have you shagged? What else have you lied about?"
"No one. Nothing. I swear! I swear on my Mum's life."
"Well then don't feel guilty when your mother dies, James," Lily spat.
"He's telling the truth," Sirius added in helpfully, but James cut him off angrily.
"Don't ever talk about my mum dying."
Lily rolled her eyes and held out her hands in surrender. "I give up. Leave me alone," she said tightly, turning and walking back toward the house. James and the rest did not follow, although James tried. Sirius stopped him.
"That was stupid," Rebecca, who had been silent the entire time, remarked. Peter snorted.
"Good thing you never slept with Mary when she offered," was all Sirius said, and James pushed shoved Sirius so hard that he stumbled backwards and almost fell over.
"Shut up, Sirius!" he yelled, red in the face. He was breathing hard. What had just happened? How could it be possible for everything to go as wrong as it just had? Nothing had ever been so messed up as it was now.
Remus, for one. James had never told him when he had started to shag Catherine, and since it had been during the summer (before his seventh year), there was no way Remus could ever have found out. James had never slept with anyone at Hogwarts-indeed, he had never slept with anyone else except Catherine and Lily, and he had only told Sirius when he had lost his virginity. It had been a sore spot between the two boys because Catherine and Sirius had had their fling for a week, but in the end, James slept with Catherine more times than Sirius did, and that was rather unacceptable.
Sirius accepted it, like the friend he was.
James looked up for just a moment and saw Remus, who was staring off into the woods, looking uncomfortable.
James had done that.
The plain truth was that James did not trust anyone as much as he trusted Sirius-and perhaps that fact had not been so obvious before, but it was now. Of course, it had always been known that when James got married Sirius would be his best man, and that Sirius would be the godfather of James's first child. But…the four boys had always shared everything else, and James had ruined that.
James vowed to have a talk with his friend, soon.
"You should…go talk to her," Remus finally said, tearing his eyes away from the forest. "Or you'll ruin everything and you won't be able to fix it."
James hesitated and looked at the faces surrounding him. Yes, Rebecca was not part of their group and seemed out of place, but he had the strangest idea that no matter what happened and no matter where she was, she would know what happened anyway. Rebecca caught his eye and discreetly took a step backwards and continued on, giving them privacy. James tore his gaze away and placed his eyes on Remus. "Don't worry," he told the other boy quietly, "I already have."
……
Inside, Lily immediately met up with Vince, who looked like he was coming to find her.
"Where have you been?" he snapped. "Who were you out there with?"
Just then, Rebecca appeared at the door, shaking snow from her shoes. She looked up and frowned when she saw Vince.
"Vince, leave her alone," she said, almost tiredly. "We've been out there talking for a while."
"Without cloaks?" Vince demanded. Lily bit her lip, too drained to make up a lie.
"Honestly, you berk. We're witches, aren't we? Capable ones. There are charms that can keep you warm." Rebecca pushed her way past Vince and walked towards the table with the drinks. Lily stared out into the door and into the blackness of the sky, wondering where James….
She turned from the terrace and was dizzy because she knew the entrance was really upstairs, but she was seeing it at that level from the floor below. It hurt her head, as did the thoughts she was thinking. Many were about Rebecca, Vince, and his older brother.
How well did Rebecca and Vince know each other? They talked as if they had known each other for ages and she knew so much about his family, although Lily assumed that could be because of whatever relationship she had with Lucius Malfoy. Lily's first impression had been that Lucius had raped her…but after consideration, she knew it went deeper than that. Rebecca had almost seemed to…reciprocate Lucius's feelings. It was as if they had had a romantic relationship of some sort, and then had been forced to separate.
Lily wanted to know what had happened, if only to get her mind off whatever was happening with James.
"Lily?" Vince asked impatiently, and she realized he had been speaking to her for quite a while. She glanced at him and took in his flawless appearance and had to smile.
"Let's dance, Vince," she said softly, taking his hand. He stared at her in disbelief but finally relented.
"I just said I've got to leave," he grumbled. "But it doesn't matter-one dance won't do any harm. Then we're going. I'll take you home first."
Lily shook her head as they began to dance. "I'm…staying at Rebecca's. My mother said it was alright."
Vince sighed. "Then I'll take you to Rebecca's."
"No," Lily argued. "She might not want to leave."
"Fine," Vince snapped. "I don't care."
"Good."
The danced in tense silence until the song ended and the Vince pulled her into a corner, looking around before he kissed her deeply. Lily knew she was bright red because she felt the heat under her skin. Imagine the Potters seeing her kissing Vince Malfoy-of all people! And when they thought she was dating their son!
Vince pulled away and Lily was thankful that he had blocked everyone's view with his back to spare her any embarrassment, although he was probably being selfish and did not want to be seen with a Muggleborn in front of all the important Ministry officials.
"What time is it?" she asked after he had said goodbye.
Vince glanced at his watch. "It's a quarter past eleven."
"You should stay until midnight," Lily told him.
Vince rolled his eyes. "Lily, I've been coming to these bloody parties since I was six, and every single year we've left before midnight. Every single year. I'm not changing that now because you want a kiss at midnight."
"Don't be so defensive," Lily said irritably, sighing as he stepped away and kissed her cheek coolly.
"Bye, Lily. See you on the train."
Lily made a face at his back as he left and then pushed herself off of the wall to make sure he curls were still in place. She had to use the loo, so she went upstairs and let herself into the room she had occupied when she had stayed there. She used the bathroom quickly, observing that her toothbrush was still on the sink. She made a note to come get it before she left.
She went back into the bedroom and frowned when she saw that everything was just the way she had left it-or, rather, the way James had probably left it when he had woken up. The bed was unmade and the sheets and blankets were hanging off the sides of the mattress, touching the floor. The books were all in disarray on the shelf and Lily had forgotten one of her bracelets on the night table. She picked it up and slipped it on, catching sight of her reflection in the mirror.
All the makeup in the world could not hide the fact that Lily felt like hell. It was not even her face-she saw in the mirror that even the way she was carrying herself bespoke of weariness. She turned from the mirror and peered at the bed, then looked in the mirror again. Something was nagging at her.
There-something was sticking out from under the bed. Lily darted forward and grabbed it, pulling it out and realizing it was a photograph album. It felt like ages ago that she had shoved this under the bed, but it was really only days. Lily took a deep breath and looked around, expecting someone (James, namely) to come in through the door and yell at her. No one did. She went back to the album.
She had already seen the first two pictures. One was of her; the other was of a bowl of treacle tart. Lily rolled her eyes at the marvel that was James and flipped the page.
Another of her, this time in second year, because Lily vividly remembered the year that she had angered Analise Radcliffe and she had sliced off a section of Lily's hair with her wand. Lily had her nose in a book and was sitting under a tree by the lake. As Lily watched, the lake rippled and an arm of the giant squid rose up, sinking back down and leaving the lake as smooth as it had been before. Lily flipped the page and she grew progressively before her eyes.
Every single picture was of her except for two. They grew more frequent in her sixth year-there were even some of her with Vince. Lily took in a deep breath when she saw one picture James obviously had not taken, for he was staring at Lily and Vince as if they were the slimiest creatures on the planet. It was when Lily turned the lat page that she really got a shock.
Saved in a flap on the back cover were dozens of pieces of parchment, which Lily surmised were notes James had passed with his friends. Lily took several out and began reading them, smiling occasionally when she saw something particularly funny. Lily flipped back through the book again and found the one picture of just James. She slid it out and tucked it into her stocking, wincing as it bit into her leg.
A sound outside the door made her slam the album shut and throw in under the bed. She straightened just as James walked in and slammed the door shut so hard it rattled its hinges. He caught sight of her and his eyes widened behind his glasses. He looked away from her and out the window.
"Get out," he said in a low voice. When she did not move, he repeated himself, louder. "Get. Out."
Lily tossed her head angrily. "No."
"It's my house," he snapped. "Get the fuck out of this room."
Lily was up so fast she was dizzy. "It may be your house, James, but I've got as much right to be in here as you do, you-you liar."
James scoffed. "So that's the best insult you can come up with? A liar? At least I'm not gullible and I don't jump to conclusions!"
"You don't-you don't jump to conclusions? All you've done is tell me how much I've betrayed Gryffindor and how much I'm like a Slytherin. For some reason you've come to the conclusion that I want to be a Slytherin because I'm dating one. You're wrong. I-I like being a Gryffindor-and you've got no grounds to think otherwise!"
James was pale, but he clenched his fists and shrugged. "I wasn't a virgin before I shagged you," he bit out. "I'm telling the truth."
"That I believe," Lily hissed, "but you stood there and you-and you were touching me and you told me that you'd never slept with Catherine and that you weren't ever going to-and you did! You did! You flat out lied to me-"
"I thought you didn't care," James interrupted.
"OF COURSE I CARE!" Lily yelled. "I CARE MORE THAN YOU THINK, JAMES POTTER!"
"I-I don't…." was all James could come up with. "Fuck, Lily," he swore, "I hate you so much."
"That's good, then, since you're apparently under the impression that I'm not worth enough to tell the truth!"
"Lily, you know that's not true."
"Do I? How would you know?" She met his eyes and held them, challenging him to answer. He seemed to be searching himself and found nothing he could tell her. He stepped closer, his eyes on hers, and Lily had both the insane urge to run away and throw herself at him. Eventually, however (and of course), they stopped trying to stare each other down and ended up against the wall, and they weren't talking about much of the bleeding day, either.
……
Twenty minutes later, Lily and James frantically tried to compose themselves and return their appearances to what they were before they had shagged against Lily's former bedroom wall. Lily tried to fix her hair and managed well enough, but when she looked around for her earrings (they had flown off at some point) she could not find them. James handed them to her as he buttoned up his starched shirt.
Lily's hands were shaking so much from the aftershocks of her pleasure that she could hardly get the earrings through her earlobes. James gently took them from her and clasped one in each ear, his fingers lingering a little too long against her neck. He bent forward and pulled her backwards against him, pressing his lips in a light kiss on her throat.
Lily pulled herself away. "Oh, stop it, James. That just makes it worse."
James smiled at her, as if amused. "Whatever you say, Lily."
Lily looked at the mirror and caught his eyes in the reflection, holding his gaze for a long moment. Shagging him at this point was the worst thing she could do. She should not even be talking to him after the way he had lied to her. Lily stiffened at the reminder and saw James sigh, breaking their eye-lock and getting out of her way so she could leave the room.
He caught her arm before she opened the door and turned her face towards his so he could kiss her. "Just so you know," he said, breaking the kiss, his voice warm and satisfied, "that was incredible. You're-really good at this."
"Maybe I'll take it up as a profession," Lily said acidly.
His grip on her arm tightened. "Merlin, no," he said fervently. "I wouldn't ever let you."
"I know you wouldn't," Lily answered, but then she came to her senses and added, "But it's none of your business what I do."
"That's okay," James whispered, leaning in even closer and nuzzling her ear. "That's okay, as long as every once in a while I can touch you."
"I," Lily said, gently pulling out of his grasp, "really don't think that's a good idea."
James sighed, backing away and opening the door. "After you, Lily," was all said, letting her go through first. He followed her down the stairs. "You know," he continued as they descended the sweeping staircase, off to the side a bit so they weren't the center of attention, "I think we should dance."
"I don't," Lily said flatly, feeling sick. "I don't want you to touch me again, you fuckwit." She should not have let him near her after the way he had treated her. He had promised he had not done anything with Catherine-and he had lied, and Lily went and slept with him. She was starting to doubt her own willpower. She pulled away from him and went to find Rebecca, and after ten minutes of searching, she still had not spotted the other girl, but she was grateful he had gotten away from James. She really did not think it was a good idea for them to be near each other again.
"I do," James asserted, coming out of nowhere and then grabbing her and pulling her out onto the dance floor amidst the other swirling couples. Lily was blinded by the flashes of light that bounced of the various jewels the guest were wearing, but as she and James settled into a slower turn, the flashes turned into faint glimmers that Lily only caught out of the corner of her eye now and again. The rustle of silk was all around them, audible even over the sound of the music. James's hand was warm and dangerously low on her back as he bent forward so his cheek was next to hers. Lily looked around nervously, seeing if any friends of the Malfoys were watching, but no one seemed to be paying attention.
James seemed to catch himself and he jerked away, suddenly keeping a respectable distance between them. She shot him a dazed and questioning look which he interpreted correctly and answered.
"Some Malfoy minion is always watching me," he remarked bitterly. Lily caught a whiff of strong alcohol on his breath and sighed. While there had been the aftertaste of something illicit on his tongue when the kissed upstairs, it was nowhere near as strong as what she was smelling now. Somewhere between leaving her at the staircase and pulling her out to dance he had acquired something to drink.
His fingers on the small of her back dug into the fabric of her dress hard, but to Lily it felt pleasant and made her a little angry. The very last thing she needed was to forgive James when he had been such a bastard. His other hand was clasped in hers as they did a strange rendition of the waltz. There were no obscenely close slow dances at this party. When the music stopped Lily looked up, a bit addled from James's proximity. Everyone was silent and James stilled before he turned to look at the far wall, where everyone seemed to be staring. Lily gasped as Mr. Potter waved his wand and the most beautiful clock she had ever seen appeared. It had a shimmering stone for each position on the face and was carved with thousands of magical creatures which were inexplicably distinguishable even from the very back of the room. There was exactly one minute and thirty seconds left until midnight.
Lily turned to James and saw his friends materialize from behind him, along with Rebecca. They approached and each smiled at Lily and James.
"Happy birthday, Prongs," the three boys said solemnly.
James glanced at the clock. "Oh, boys," he said, sounding disappointed. "You're a full thirty seconds off this year."
"We are NOT!" Sirius gasped. "We're right on time!"
James grinned. "I was only taking the mickey," he confessed, holding his hands up. "But you're a half a minute late."
There was a breakout of sound as the final thirty seconds approached. People were murmuring, but they did not count down the seconds until the New Year as Lily did at her house. They were much too cultured to do so, Lily supposed.
Sirius sighed dramatically. "Why, whoever shall I kiss come midnight?"
Lily backed away. "Don't look at me!" she said.
"Well, yes, you're James's," Sirius said dismissively.
Lily laughed. "I think not! I'd rather kiss you."
James yawned, again looking amused. "Whatever you say, Lily," he repeated, and he pulled her closer, his face near hers. "Ten," he whispered, his forehead pressed hard against Lily's.
"Nine," she replied softly, trying to break away and feeling his hand on her thigh.
"Eight!" Peter said loudly, coughing, but Lily and James did not break their gaze.
"Seven…six…five…four…three," continued Sirius, waving his hand in front of Lily and James with each number. Neither looked up until the final second approached, and just as James leaned in, Lily darted out of his arms and grabbed Remus, kissing him lightly on the mouth and then on the cheek. At the same moment, Sirius caught hold of Rebecca and bent her over almost backwards as he kissed her deeply.
"…ew…" Rebecca said in a small voice when Sirius righted her again. "Ew, ew, ew."
"It wasn't that bad," Sirius said, making a face.
"No," Rebecca conceded, "but it definitely wasn't mind-blowing either!"
As this was occurring, Lily was pulling away from Remus and stepping back. He raised an eyebrow, glanced at her and then James, and smirked slightly. "Why, Lily! I never knew you were going to abandon Prongs for me!"
Lily made a face at him and glanced at James, whose face was impassive.
"Oh, admit it Lily!" James smiled as kissing couples everywhere pulled away from each other. `You prefer anyone to me."
"Not just anyone," Lily said half-heartedly, her head beginning to ache.
"Really?" James asked, a mock incredulous look on his face, although Lily could see the anger behind his eyes. "Perchance a certain blond-haired Slytherin?"
The strangest event occurred then, and Lily wanted to label it as a revelation, but she knew it really was not. Her stare was pinned on James and she closed her eyes, feeling too tired to deal with anything. He was standing there after he had broken his word (not that Lily wanted to be melodramatic, but he could have said nothing about Catherine and not lied) and still playing his stupid games so she would be confused about how he really felt.
What kind of person did that?
Did he really think that she did not care in the least? He knew she cared about him-she could see it in the way he looked at her so knowingly, and yet he still tried to act as if she was a monster.
She wasn't. She was only confused.
Lily swallowed hard and shrugged, opening her eyes. "I hate you," she said hoarsely. He stared at her for a long moment, growing progressively angrier with each second.
"I hate you right back, you little bitch," he finally snarled, and then he shoved her out of the way and walked over to his parents, leaving Lily glaring at the spot where he had been.
……
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