Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 25: Of Skies and Suspicion
Date Begun: Thursday, February 03, 2005
Date Finished: Thursday,
February 17, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May 02, 2005
……
[Watch the Sky, by Something Corporate]
……
Lily woke with a start and looked around, gasping. She had been dreaming about something chasing her-something horrible and terrible and shrieking, and her mind was jumbled up and her thoughts in disarray. The dream was slipping away with every passing second, and after two minutes she could not remember a thing about it.
She was stretched out under the overhang of the highest Quidditch stand tower, splayed between some seats. Her heating charm from last night was thankfully still intact so it was toasty inside the enclosed space, but she could hear the sound of a furious downpour beating down on the wood above her head. The air was moist and fresh-Lily breathed deeply and stood.
She had spent the night outside, she realized, horrified, but then she remembered that she had no classes today. It was impossible to see what time it was, but she knew that it was early daytime. The rain came down in miserable sheets, obscuring and drenching everything. When it rained, Lily thought absently, the world was as gray (and sometimes cold, as today) as Sirius Black's eyes.
She stepped out from under the overhang and within a blissful moment she was drenched. Like James, Lily adored rain. It was the one thing they had agreed on during one of their after-shagging late night talks. She tilted her head back and let it run over her face and down her neck, breathing in the scent of falling rain and loving it. Tomorrow all the world would be frozen in ice. Lily would come outside and lie on the hard ground to look at the sky, just as she always did.
It was strange for her to feel the presence behind her, but she couldn't bear to turn from the rain to the covered space. With an inward groan she did turn, and she was quite startled when she saw James, also drenched.
"What are you doing here?" she asked over the sound of the rain. He came up to the edge of the overhang and she saw him through the downpour, his face almost flickering as shifting shadows played over it. He gave her no answer and simply stared out at the world over her shoulder.
Lily hesitated and then decided to probe. "James?"
He did not start-or maybe he did, and it was just in slow motion to her. Rain took everything and slowed it down like that. Lily caught her breath as his eyes turned to her and she held them, unable to fathom just what he could be feeling.
"My dad-he didn't do it."
Lily was dismayed that those were the first words out of his mouth. She heard him dead clear even though the rain and something else was roaring in her ears, and wondered whether he had thought for even a second that he would need to clarify that point for her. Her mouth dropped open and she shook her head.
"I know-of course I know that, James."
"Remus…" James said hollowly, and Lily wondered whether James and Remus would ever have the same relationship they had had before this year. She wondered whether they would ever be able to completely, totally, and subconsciously trust each other ever again.
"What do you mean-Remus thought your father did it?" Lily could hardly hold back her anger. How dare Remus say something like that!
"No…" James trailed off uncertainly and dropped his eyes from hers. "Please. I don't want to talk about it. Ever."
"You should," Lily began, but James cut her off.
"Could we just-look at the rain? And not talk? I don't want to talk."
With a sigh, Lily turned to watch the rain fall. James came up to stand beside her and leaned against the outer wall of the box. His head hung forward and his shoulders slumped. Lily wanted to know where the tall James was-the one who was always at least a head-and-a-half taller than her-where had that James gone?
He had gone with his mother-no, Lily didn't know where. Heaven. Elysium. Somewhere people went after death. Somewhere were Sabia Potter was waiting-where Lily was sure Clark Potter would soon be going, because he was the type of man who could not possibly live without his wife. Not suicide-he was far too dignified for that. Clark Potter would simply lose the will to live, and James would be devastated again.
No… Lily thought. Sabia was enough. If Clark died it would kill James.
The object of her thoughts and affections straightened, his shoulders squared, and he leaned his hands against the edge of the barrier that kept them from falling, licking rain off his upper lip. He looked at Lily and managed to give her the smallest smile she had ever seen in her life.
"Thanks," he said gratefully, whispering, so softly she strained to hear.
"Don't worry," Lily said back, inching her hand over and closing it over his, feeling the rain intermingle with their entwined fingers. Some time passed like that and when Lily suddenly started paying attention again, she realized that she was sitting in the rain on the edge of the box and James was sitting right in front of her on one of the chairs, his chest pressed against her lower legs.
He pushed insistently and Lily parted her legs, resting her feet on each of his armrests and pulling his upper body
forward until his heavy head was resting against her stomach. Lily threaded her fingers through his hair and tugged
hard; James groaned deeply and pressed his forehead harder against the wet cloth of her shirt.
They breathed deeply together for endless moments of time, the day fractured and hazy in light of the rain. Lily felt it cold and lovely against her face, a stark contrast to the warmth James was giving her. He wrapped his arms around her midsection and hugged her tightly, his body shivering against her.
Was he crying?
Lily did not particularly want to know. She was so very used to seeing James Potter as a vision of strength and
confidence; to see him crying would shatter that image, and Lily was sure she would never be able to look at him the
same way again.
"James," she mumbled, finding it hard to get the words out. "James-"
He shook his head. "No," he said fiercely. "Shh-please just shut up and sit here with me."
She heard him clearly, even as the rain drummed in her ears, even as his voice was muffled against her belly. He pulled his head away and her hands fell listlessly from his hair. It stuck up wildly, molded by the water that had soaked into his locks. His face was wet but Lily liked to tell herself it was from the rain and not from tears. She smiled shakily at him and James pulled her face down to kiss her, his lips moving hot and wet against hers. The kiss warmed Lily, chasing away the perpetual chill that had settled over her body. They pulled away slowly, loathe to break contact with each other.
"This is so wrong," he whispered in her ear.
"Hmm?" Lily questioned, her eyes half-shut, but James shook his head.
"My mother's not even buried yet and my father's facing murder charges. Here I am kissing someone…not a care in the bloody world." James shut his eyes and breathed deeply, exhaling when Lily snaked her fingers into the hair at his temples and pressed a kiss to his water-beaded forehead.
"It's okay," she whispered. "It's only comfort."
"It's more, Lily," James said, his voice strangely deep in the wind. "I just…what would you do?"
"I'd die," Lily answered immediately. "I would just die if my mum did. If they said my dad did it I'd…I can't even express it properly."
"I don't really have the option of dying, thanks ever so much," James rejoined sarcastically.
"Good," Lily told him. "Because if you died, I don't know what I'd do."
If she had been expecting James to tease her she was disappointed, for he only took her hand, leaned against her stomach again, and sighed wearily, the sound of it so painful Lily winced and then tipped her head back, swallowing rain and letting it run down the back of her throat.
……
They staggered back to the castle later, bleary-eyed despite that fact that they had not been sleeping, their bodies aching despite the fact that they had engaged in no pain-inducing activities. They had continued to sit on the ledge for another hour before the rain let up, and then they walked back under the gray sky.
James disappeared along the way and Lily changed her clothes back in her dorm, wringing out her hair and combing through the tangles before picking up a textbook-any one would do, she had equal amounts of work in each subject-and trotting back down to the common room. She sat in front of the fire and warmed her toes, letting her hair dry in the heat.
"Seen Sirius?"
Lily looked up from her book, her vision hazy. Remus's voice, although he was sitting across from her all of a sudden, seemed to come from a great distance. "No," she answered. "I haven't."
"Damn. I needed him."
Lily sighed and went back to her book, than turned back to Remus. "Remus, could I ask you a question?"
Remus raised an eyebrow at her and nodded. He looked like absolute death-his hair was unkempt, his eyes were bloodshot, and his robes were wrinkled. If he keeled over right there Lily would not be surprised.
"What'd you say to James yesterday?"
With a tired exhalation of breath, Remus slumped forward. "I knew this would happen."
Lily simply waited for an explanation, her textbook for Potions still in her lap.
"I didn't really mean it the way he took it," Remus mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "I swear-you know, I haven't slept all night because I was so worried about him…did you know he didn't come inside last night? He spent the night on the Pitch and it rained like bloody hell this morning-he's just come back and he's lying on his bed, drenched. He wouldn't even look at me, let alone speak to me." Remus threaded his hands through his hair and rested his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. "I didn't mean it," he said again.
"But what did you say?" Lily persisted.
"He came down to talk to us last night when we were at the Pitch with him. We were just…I dunno what exactly was going on, I don't remember, but I do know that I said something about his dad actually doing it-I meant under Imperius or something-because I'm logical, that's the way I am. I meant no harm-but James flipped friggin' shits. He went crazy-I thought he would kill me. I've known him for seven years, Lily-and I've only seen him that mad maybe twice." Remus tightened his fingers and let out a tiny groan. "I should've known, of course. But I was just…well, there's got to be a reason they think it's Mr. Potter, right? They wouldn't think he killed her unless they had real proof, right?"
"I've heard the Ministry is ridiculously corrupt," Lily remarked.
"True," Remus sighed. "It's bad between me and James, Lily. Things have been a little bit shaky since New Year's but this-this takes the cake. I know Clark would never willingly harm Bee-I doubt he's ever pointed his wand at her in his life-but there are different factors that could fuck all that up. Lily-Lily-what do I do?"
Lily stared at Remus, dumbstruck. "Clark-first off, Mr. Potter did not kill Sabia-not under any circumstances. He did not do anything of the sort. He wouldn't-actually, he couldn't. He loves her too much." Lily hesitated. "I…you know that, don't you?"
Remus shrugged. "I know…just…"
"Remus-there you go again! Just stop analyzing," Lily continued, "or someone's going to kill you, I swear."
Remus let out a bark of laughter.
"And," Lily finished, "go shag Rebecca to let out some of your stress."
"God, no," Remus said, making a face. "I'd hurt her."
Lily gave him a reproachful look. "She's not that delicate."
Remus paused. "I stronger than I look," he said carefully.
"So you're a right old tiger in the sheets then, eh, Lupin?" Lily grinned and turned on her side to look at him, curled up.
Remus grinned right back. "More like a wolf," he corrected.
Something struck a chord deep in the recesses of Lily's consciousness, but she could not for the life of her figure out what it was and what it meant. She yawned and shrugged, then looked at the fire. "What do you need Sirius for?" she asked tiredly, shutting her book and leaning her head against the armrest.
"Nothing important," Remus told her. "Just some business."
Lily, her eyes closed, raised an eyebrow. "Business? I never took either of you for a businessman."
"Well, you were wrong," Remus said flatly, his voice full of dry humor.
"Ouch," Lily winced. "You're being a tad too harsh."
"You can take it," Remus told her, pushing his chair back and standing. He stretched his arms up over his head, revealing pale skin above the waist of his trousers. Lily thought she saw something-a scar, a discoloration, perhaps, but Remus let his arms hang at his sides and the skin was covered. Lily frowned but dismissed it. It was none of her business how Remus's bare skin looked.
The strangest thing about that day, Lily would realize later, was the way she had no idea how anything happened. She would always remember the specific events that occurred, but she could never pinpoint exactly when they happened and how they came about. She looked up at some point and Remus was gone; instead, Sirius was there. She had no idea when he had arrived or when Remus had left.
"Hey, Lily." Sirius scratched his head. "Have you seen Remus, by any chance?"
Judging by how far she had gotten in her Potions book (a grand total of four pages), she had been at this for an hour. She glanced at the clock. "He was looking for you around lunchtime," she answered.
Sirius swore. "What about James?"
Lily shivered to hear the tone in his voice. It was so ultimately desperate, so angry and protective. God forbid Sirius see Vince-he would kill the blond boy. Just the way Sirius said James's name told her how much he cared about him.
"Last I knew he was in his dorm, ignoring Remus." Lily knew her voice was toneless, but she could not figure out the reason. "Why?"
"Why else?" Sirius responded. "To make sure he isn't off mutilating himself."
Lily gave him a sharp look, shutting her textbook and turning to face him. Goody, a part of her mind thought. If you have a conversation with Peter today, you're a good old Marauders' Whore!
"Just once," Sirius said uneasily, looking unsure about whether he should have said that or not. "He was…trying to prove a point to us, me and Remus…but I don't think I could go through seeing that again…Merlin and Agrippa…" Sirius shook his head and rubbed his eyes.
"Why did he-?"
Sirius cut her off. "Classified. To prove a point."
She made a face at him and he looked pleased with himself for using such a large word. Lily threw a piece of fuzz from the couch at him and it floated to the ground halfway to his chair. Their eyes followed its progress down to the carpet and then they looked at each other.
"Let's not speak of that," Lily advised, and Sirius blinked, then nodded. They sat in an extremely awkward silence before Sirius decided to speak.
"Go on, then," he said.
"Huh?" Lily looked up from her inspection of the couch's cushion. "What?"
"Go on up. To James."
"Why would I…?"
Sirius sighed dramatically. "I need to go find Remus," he informed her. "I know you want to go talk to James. So go ahead. It's better than doing in public where your murdering bastard of a boyfriend can see." He smiled sweetly at her and Lily resisted the urge to throw her book at his head simply to make a point.
"Eh heh heh," she laughed sarcastically, getting to her feet and setting down her book. She waited until Sirius left the common room before going over to the stairs, ignoring the people in the common room. For some reason it seemed as if the stairs were a dark, gaping mouth, ready to swallow her whole as soon as she walked in. She put aside her fear and started up the steps, cursing the fact that the Seventh Year Boys' dormitory was on the top floor this year.
She pushed open the door hesitantly and shut it behind her. She had never been in here before and as such did not know what belonged to whom, yet every bed was empty and unmade except for the one nearest the window, its occupant hidden by heavy curtains.
She crept over, afraid to make noise, and pulled aside the curtain slowly but steadily. James was lying on the bed, his arms spread out, his head thrown back on the pillow with his neck exposed. She almost jumped back when she saw the Hedwig, his Jarvey, was curled up on the unoccupied pillow, asleep. James's hand rested on her white fur; he had no reaction to her presence and she sat down on his bed, kicking off her shoes, pulling her legs up to her chest, and closing the curtains.
It was comforting, sitting there in the dark with James. He turned on his side towards her and Lily uncurled her body and sat cross-legged even as James lay pressed up against her, his arm encircling one her legs. She could feel his breath fanning across her hip and onto the small of her back. Lily's hand fell back and stroked his hair, ignoring the ache that was beginning in her back from sitting without support for so long.
"I feel lost," he told her hoarsely. Lily swallowed hard, remembering how he had told her she looked lost when they were removing Christmas decorations.
"I'm here," she replied in a small voice, twisting out of his grasp and sitting back against his headboard. They moved until James was lying diagonally across his own bed, his head in Lily's lap, her legs extended under him. Her hands again were in his hair and James sighed.
"I…you know, I never hated my mother."
Lily snorted. "As if you could."
"No…" James shifted. "I mean…she never yelled at me enough or did anything bad enough to make me hate her. Not once. Not when I was a little kid-I never said, `I hate my mother'."
"What about when your dad left?" Lily asked quietly, not sure whether she was allowed to talk about this or not.
There was a dark, velvety silence. "I understood, mostly. I stayed out of it because I…I knew it would work out in the end, you know what I mean?" James looked up at her and Lily felt such a strong surge of affection for his stupid tousled hair and his glinting glasses. She conveyed her answer with her eyes.
"Do you think this'll all work out in the end?" James ventured.
"What's the end?" Lily countered.
There was an incredibly long, pregnant pause, and then James spoke, his voice carrying up in the dark; rich, yet hollow, warm, yet bitter, with deep, dark cold so heavily embedded Lily was chilled to her bones, with no hope of warmth. Yet…strangely, so strangely, his words did manage to spark the slightest bit of hope in her.
"When everything's alright, I suppose."
…….
The fact that the definition of `alright' to Lily was being with James scared her so much she went to find Vince, finally catching up to him at lunch in the Great Hall. She felt Sirius's burning gaze on her and had to look away. She sent a nasty look at Severus Snape when he spat at her and continued down the length of the Slytherin table, to where Vince was sitting with Sirius's younger brother, Regulus.
"Hello," she said pleasantly, taking a seat on the bench next to Vince. Boldly, cringingly, Lily settled her palm high on his thigh and was rewarded with both a smile and a tell-tale tightening of muscle.
"Hullo, Lily," Regulus returned, his lazy eyes on hers. He reminded her of Augustus Rookwood, right then, handsome like Sirius but with a certain something-a danger-perhaps a drive to kill, to see blood, to hate…no, Sirius was not like that.
Deliberately, Lily leaned forward so her mouth was right next to Vince's ear. "Almost done here?"
He nodded, a smile touching his mouth. Lily wanted to smack it right off but she got up and stood behind Vince, waiting for him to finish.
"I'll talk to you about all this later," Vince told Regulus, who looked between them, leering.
"I understand why you're ditching me," the younger boy smirked. Lily clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, and smiled.
"Shut up," she said, keeping her voice light. "It's none of your business."
Regulus mock shuddered at her. "Oh…I'm so scared. Lily Evans might hit me. Or-you know, you've been talking to my brother quite a bit lately. Maybe you'll get him to avenge your honor. Wonder what you'll be paying him with?"
His look over her body told her, Vince, and all the surrounding students what Regulus thought Lily was doing with Sirius. Lily stepped forward, her hand going for her wand, but then she remembered that she could not curse him-not here, in front of the teachers, not when she was Head Girl.
Her hand fell loosely to her side and then shot up to stop Vince from going for Regulus.
"You watch yourself, you presumptuous little berk," Lily retorted. "I might just lose it one day."
"You've lost it, alright," Regulus crowed, and the Slytherins around them laughed. Lily's face burned.
"At least I've had the chance, mini-prick," she hissed back, grabbing Vince by the hand and leaving amongst catcalls and hoots.
Once outside the Great Hall, Lily turned and kissed Vince violently, keeping him from saying anything about Regulus's comments about Sirius. They broke apart and Lily pulled him to an empty classroom-any one would do! She needed to get rid of this hopeless want for James-this need for him to….
Lily would look back on what followed and would hate herself so thoroughly she became depressed. Shagging Vince on one of the small student desks made her ache for hours-days afterwards, and then, quite suddenly, he was done and Lily was left to fake it.
She was not used to this. She was used to reaching a climax, to feeling an ecstasy so complete she needed nothing else-it was just her and James and undeniable, beautiful, gorgeous pleasure, like diving into a cool pond on a hot day, or seeing something amazing, like an eagle wheeling above you with the clouds and the sky so very blue and a balmy breeze just skimming the top of your body as you lay nestled in a bed of sweet-smelling grass.
At any rate, they returned to their respective dormitories with a last, parting kiss, and Lily showered for an hour and a half. Rebecca knocked on the door and meekly asked if everything was alright. Lily snapped that she was fine and Rebecca snapped back, then angrily slammed the door to the dorm, signaling her departure. Lily turned off the water, wrapped herself in a huge towel, and then looked at the remnant bruises from a few days ago, when she had been stupid enough to struggle with Vince and then stupid enough to get in James's way the next day.
Condensation turned back into water and dripped down the mirror, making lonely trails that Lily followed with her eyes. She stared at herself for a long time, streaks of her body being revealed at a time.
Imagine, Lily thought morbidly, if it were all colored red.
Just the very knowledge that she was thinking that startled Lily out of her reverie. As she left the loo, she took one more glance at the mirror to make sure the water had not turned to blood when she wasn't looking, and then she shut the door on the scene of her…
Her guilt?
What was Vince doing to her?
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