Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 13: Of Photos
and Fights
Date Begun: Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, June
28, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005
"And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change"
-Cavanaugh Park, Something Corporate
……
Recap:
"I'm really sorry," she blurted, shoving the package into Mrs. Potter's arms. "I'm so sorry. You've got no idea-I shouldn't have said anything to you because you're right about it all. I shouldn't be sleeping with James-"
"I didn't say that," interrupted Mrs. Potter mildly, but wearily. "I just said to be careful-to be sure you know what you're doing-"
"And I do," Lily said fervently. "You're quite possibly the sweetest person I know, Mrs. Potter-so if you don't accept this apology I'm just going to die…"
"You can call me Bee," said Mrs. Potter. "And of course I forgive you-even though I'm not that sweet. But that's what my name means in Gaelic, you know. Sweet. Clark calls me…never mind."
Sabia was swaying, but she did not seem to notice. She began to rip open the package and she pulled out the shawl, gasping. Lily felt something warm inside her stomach-she was doing the right thing-but then Sabia turned ash white and stumbled-
She crumpled to the ground with a moan of pain, and Lily stared at her, immobile, taking in a sharp breath before running for James and Mr. Potter.
……
Lily looked up when James stepped into the kitchen, almost knocking over her cup of hot chocolate. He looked tired-his hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot, but he gave her a slight smile all the same, running his hands through his hair.
"How is she?"
He exhaled a shaky breath. "She's…fine. They tried every fucking test they knew and couldn't find anything wrong with her, and then some pansy intern suggested that perhaps she was exhausted. So they ran the test and…yeah. She hasn't been eating or sleeping or drinking enough-for a few moments there I thought…"
He shook his head and got a cup of water, downing it in one go. He leaned against the counter, breathing deeply.
Lily did not know what to do. She supposed she should hug him, but she was quite sure that something incredibly powerful would take root in her heart, and she couldn't risk that. She stayed where she was, waiting patiently for him to continue. Somehow, she knew he would.
"It's Christmas," he began ranting. "It's Christmas. It's supposed to be happy. My mother shouldn't collapse because she has to work all the time-and…and…I don't know what the fuck is wrong with those Healers…but they are daft-bloody idiots-"
Lily decided it wasn't the best time to tell him that she wanted to be a Healer. She cleared her throat and tried to think of something she could say to help make things better.
"James-you're shivering."
He set down his cup with a scraping sound and slammed his hands down on the counter. "She's so fucking cold-and I don't think I should be so screwed up over this-but Merlin-it's my mother-bad things don't happen to my mother. I was holding her hand and even though she's got a high fever her skin is freezing-I'm so cold…I need…"
He hung his head and shut his eyes, rubbing them behind his glasses. Lily had half-risen out of her chair when he exploded, but now she just sat back down and watched, slightly startled. A command was coming-she could see it forming on his lips. Half of her wanted to disobey, while the other half knew such a thing would be a pointless excuse to be contrary.
"Can you come here?" he asked quietly.
Mutely, Lily got up and walked over to him. He wrapped his hand loosely around her wrist and pulled her tightly against him. She held absolutely still and did not breathe, waiting for him to let her go. Her mind told her to struggle-but she only rested her head on his shoulder and pressed her face into his shirt.
"She's going to be absolutely fine," he whispered, stroking her hair. "She just needs sleep."
"I…" Lily cut herself off, confused, without any reason. Somehow they had switched roles, and he was reassuring her instead of the other way around. James was a person who gained comforting from comforting.
"I know." He let her go and she stumbled back towards the table to her mug, not looking at him. "Do you want to see her?"
Lily shook her head. "Maybe later. Let her sleep some."
James nodded and looked at his hands, an uncustomary motion of nervousness. "Perhaps we should go to bed or something?"
Lily raised an eyebrow. "James-it's two in the afternoon."
James grinned. "Well, we didn't get much sleep last night."
Lily laughed, albeit weakly, and sank into a chair. "No. We didn't."
James sat down in the chair next to her. "This isn't happening the way we planned, is it?"
Lily shook her head. "I think…I had an idealized view of what this would be like. We'd shag-I'd learn-it'd be over. But…"
"It's different," James finished grimly. "We're different."
"We are," Lily assented, sighing.
"Hey," James said suddenly, "you want to look at some pictures?"
……
"What's that one of?"
James leaned closer and his hair brushed against her face. She paid it no mind and leaned in as well, peering at the blurry picture.
"Sirius throwing a bucket of pink toads on Snape's head," James said triumphantly, sitting back.
Lily gaped at picture. "Where do you get that from?" She tilted her head to the side in an effort to see it better.
James pointed to the scribbles beneath the blurry picture and Lily frowned. "That's writing?"
James laughed. "That's Peter's writing."
Lily shook her head. "So this is from last year?"
"Valentine's day," James added triumphantly.
Lily shifted uncomfortably. She had not seen this live and in action because she and Vince had been out…discussing something or the other. In reality, she had been screaming at him so loudly that she had gotten a detention. Sometimes he made her so mad….
She pushed away the memory and smiled at James, who was staring at her.
"Hello?" she asked.
He started and his eyes focused. "Oh. Just…remembering."
They flipped through the rest of the album and set it aside. James picked up one of the two left. "Here. Seventh year. I brought it from Hogwarts with me."
They were sprawled on James's bed, a bottle of champagne nestled against the pillows and albums spread around them. Lily glanced nervously at the closed door, thinking that at any moment James's mother or father would walk in. Well, not his mother, but his father for sure.
Lily flipped open the book and laughed. It was a picture of herself, slapping James silly on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. There had been a few other photos in their fifth and sixth year that showed her either yelling at him or inflicting bodily harm.
James frowned. "That's the first thing you did at the beginning of this year, and I've still got no clue why."
Lily looked down. In truth, she had been attracted to him, and it had scared her. He had said a pleasant `hello', because after all, they would have to work together as Head Students, and she had slapped him across the face so hard he had had a mark there for three days, and all because the sound of his voice made her dizzy.
But then Vince had kissed her hello, and all attraction to Potter had been gone in an instant. Yes. All attraction. Gone. Vamoose.
James laughed suddenly and she looked down at the next page, which was covered in pictures of Sirius Black…with girls. There was one of him with Rebecca Rookwood, who was smiling exasperatedly, shaking her head; another with Mary Tudor, a girl in Lily's dorm whom she hated; one with him laughing with a blonde from Hufflepuff, and at least four others.
"Black is…such a womanizer," Lily said, not cruelly.
James glanced at her with an indulgent smile. "That's rich, coming from Vincent Malfoy's girlfriend."
"Oh, fuck you," Lily said casually, and she pushed him right off the bed.
James grunted and got to his feet, collapsing down on the bed again and turning the page. They went through page after page after page, and then the photos ended, with one of James smiling widely in the dark common room, with Lily just in the corner, staring off to the side.
James stretched. "Well."
"What's that one of?"
James looked to where she was pointing and made a quick grab for the album, but Lily got it first and flipped it open.
"It's baby pictures," she said incredulously, delighted. James grumbled something. Lily looked down at the picture of newborn James in a crib and raised an eyebrow. "You were a wrinkly baby, weren't you?"
James glared and grabbed for the album again. Lily held it out of his reach and looked at the next page. "Ew…" she said, wrinkling her nose.
"Hey," James said defensively. "I'm adorable!"
Lily would not admit it of course, but her brain was going, "Awww…" It was James in the tub, perhaps only a year old, with suds all over his messy (even then) hair. He splashed at the water and grinned up at Lily. She flipped through the pages. James grew progressively before her eyes.
She stopped at one of his when he was three or four. His mother was holding him tightly and he was bawling, but as Lily watched, he calmed under his mother's touch and fell asleep. The picture on the adjacent page was again of James and his mother. He was sitting in Sabia's lap, asleep, and Sabia was gently stroking his hair. She leaned forward and kissed the young James's forehead just so lightly. Lily blinked away tears and touched the edge of the picture gently.
James turned the page for her, his breathing loud and slightly ragged in the quiet room.
There were a few of James and his dad and a few of him until he was eight or so, and then the pictures ended. They stared at the back of the album for a good minute before Lily gathered the courage to break the peaceful silence.
"Is there another book?" she asked quietly after a moment.
James shrugged and hesitated. "I couldn't find it."
Lily leaned forward to kiss him, propelled by an inexplicable urge, but at that precise moment he moved to set aside the albums and she pitched off the bed.
What the fuck? Can't you hold still, you little twat?
He looked down at her, sprawled over the floor, in alarm. "Are you all right?"
Okay, so maybe he hadn't been aware she was going to kiss him. Still…
Lily nodded and got back on the bed again, her face flaming. Presently, she heard James laugh and looked at him questioningly. "What?"
"I can't believe your aim is so bad you fell off the bed," he said. "From now on-try not to kiss me first-"
Lily shoved him off the bed for the second time, outraged. Unfortunately, he grabbed onto her shirt (which tore) and she fell right on top of him. Since he was only inches away, she immediately kissed him and arched off his chest, pushing her pelvis into his. She broke away slowly and he grinned, rocking forcefully and reversing their positions so that he was on top.
"Half of me thinks Malfoy will want you to be unpredictable and take control," he whispered in her ear. "And the other half thinks he'll want to control you."
Lily did not reply. She was too busy wrenching his shirt over his head and sliding her fingers up his neck and into his hair. Lily had long since found out that James's weakness was his hair. He loved people playing with it or touching it or-as she definitely knew, tugging at it. Now he groaned deeply into her mouth he undid the rest of her ruined shirt, making Lily extremely glad she was wearing a button-down.
She broke away with a gasp and pulled down her skirt, kicking it off and lifting her leg. She was going to pull of her socks, but James beat her to it. He slowly ran a hand down her leg and slid off her sock, then did the same with the other. Lily shuddered and grabbed his arm.
Her head fell back when he undid his belt buckle and took off his pants and boxers. She felt something hard press against her hip and James's hands trailed slowly over her back, leisurely unclasping her bra and taking it off of her. Lily kicked off her knickers and rocked her pelvis against his, creating a…most assuredly delicious friction. He made a rasping sound in the back of his throat and gripped her hips, holding her still.
He pushed her legs apart and settled in between them, letting his full weight rest on top of her. "You're not tipsy this time," he said hoarsely. "It'll probably hurt a bit-"
"That's okay," she interrupted hastily. "Now…please…"
It did hurt slightly, but Lily gritted her teeth and steeled herself against the ache.
"Move your hips," he gasped, and she did, unsurely at first but then with confidence. James's mouth fell open and he went still. "Oh-fuck-that feels good-"
Lily really wondered when he had last gotten laid. Aside from the obvious last night, of course.
"Do that again," he gasped.
This isn't so hard-I could do this by myself-Lily thought. I don't need him to teach this to me.
"Circle your-your…" he said tightly. Lily did not understand what he meant, but he moved his pelvis in a slow circle and she let out a low, low moan deep in her throat.
Okay. Maybe not.
……
Afterward, Lily lay panting beneath him and he rolled off her, lying beside her and breathing just as heavily.
"Well. Well."
Lily shivered. "It's cold."
James reached for the blanket on her bed and pulled it down, letting the albums drop to the floor. He threw it over her body and his and Lily pulled it close. The feel of the comforter on her naked skin was…somehow erotic…arousing. She felt James chest rising and falling deeply against her back, and it lulled her right to sleep.
When Lily was shaken awake, she swore and pressed herself closer to James, furrowing her brow.
"Evans. Get up!"
"Go away," she moaned. James stirred and his arm tightened around her waist before he relaxed again.
"Evans-get you arse up off the floor. Now!"
"Will you shut up, Black-Black?" Lily gasped and was startled into wakefulness when she realized who was above her. She snatched the covers to her body and glared up at him. "What the fuck do you think you're doing in here?"
"Apparently-" He cut himself off and ground his teeth together, then said, "Get up. I want to talk to you."
"I'm not your slave," Lily retorted, staying right where she was.
"Independence from the mouth of Vincent Malfoy's girlfriend-that's not something I ever thought I'd hear."
"Just because I'm dating Vince doesn't mean I can't think for myself," Lily hissed, feeling like hitting Black so hard he would feel it for weeks. "And if you really want me to join you in the hall," she continued, dignified, "then I suggest you get the fuck out so I can put clothes on, you idiot."
Black glared at her before stalking out of the room, muttering something about insult about her that compare her to a banshee or a troll or some other nonsense creature. She saw the Hedwig was curled on James's desk, asleep, and she stood and reached over to stroke the soft fur on her head. Hedwig twitched but did not wake. Lily put on a dressing gown and knelt, pulling the blanket up around James so he wouldn't get cold, tucking them around so he could not remove them. She stood and left the room, shutting the door quietly so as not to wake him.
"What are you doing here?" both she and Black asked at the same time.
Lily glared and crossed her arms, waiting for him to go first.
"I heard Bee was sick. I was coming in a few days anyway-so I came earlier."
Lily was confused for a second about who Bee was, and then she remembered-Sabia. She could not think of Mrs. Potter as Bee, for some reason. "So-you came to see J-Potter's mum?" she asked disbelievingly.
Black took one step closer, his fists clenched. "She's a better mother to me than my mum'll ever be," he said darkly. "So when she gets sick-I visit her."
That was almost…sweet.
Lily slammed up her defenses against that thought. Sirius Black could never be considered sweet. "So…did you see her yet?"
"Not yet," Black said grudgingly, moving so close she could smell his cologne and reaching for the
doorknob behind her. "She's sleeping so I came to see hello to James. But obviously he's occupied. But
I'm going to wake him up anyways, so it doesn't-"
"Don't wake him up!" Lily exclaimed, darting in front of him and squeezing between him and the door. "He's exhausted-" She stopped talking, realizing that she really should not care. She also flushed, as the look Black gave her-a flick up and down her body-told her exactly why he thought James was so exhausted.
But there was really no need, because the door opened and James emerged in only his trousers, causing Lily to fall and, as a reflex reaction, grab Black, who fell on top of her. Lily groaned and shoved at him, trying to make him get off of her.
"Black-get you arse away from me," she said, wincing.
Black got up quickly and brushed himself off, looking at James, who was staring at them, bewildered.
"Er…hi Prongs," Black greeted.
"Padfoot," James said warily, holding out a hand to Lily to help her up. She grabbed it and hauled herself to her feet, wincing at the soreness in her limbs.
"I came to see your mum," said Black, awkwardly.
The corners of James's mouth twitched upwards in a smile. "And not me?"
"Why the hell would I come to see you?" Black demanded.
James raised an eyebrow and Black smiled, if only slightly.
"Okay, you got me. Still, though. I seriously want to see your mum. And that's ser-"
James whipped out his wand from his pocket and pointed it at Black, who grinned. "Finish that pun," James said levelly, "and I'll blow your bloody brains out."
Black grinned and snatched James's wand out of his hand; Lily marveled at their easy friendship and even felt slightly wistful about it, wishing she had something like that with another girl. She had never gotten the chance to really experience a friendship with a girl. She had many acquaintances, even in Gryffindor, but no friends-even before Vince.
Black clapped James on the back and James grinned, and that was that. Black was officially staying at James's home, and there was nothing Lily could do about it.
……
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