Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 14: Of Duels and
Defense
Date Begun: Monday, June 28, 2004
Date
Finished: Thursday, July 15, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26,
2005
A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.
Thomas
Carlyle
……
"Are you sure you don't need anything else?" Black asked, stepping back from Mrs. Potter's bedside and regarding her with shrewd eyes. Lily glanced at Mrs. Potter-she was propped up against her headboard, her back to the huge windows which overlooked a large expanse of snowy ground before erupting into a tangle of wild trees that made up the woods behind their property.
"I'm fine, Sirius," Sabia said, very impatiently. "And I really appreciate it-but could you all please stop fawning over me like I'm going to die? I'll be on my feet a couple of days and there's really no reason for me to need ice packs and Pepperup Potion and all those things." She gripped the sheets in her hands. "Honestly, all of you…I'll be fine! I will be and I don't need all this because I'm not going to die or anything and then you won't have to pay for my funeral and Clark won't have to actually speak to my mother again-"
"Calm down, Sabia," Mr. Potter said firmly, placing his hand over his wife's. "You're getting hysterical."
"Hysterical, am I?" she demanded, sitting up straighter. Lily winced and stepped backwards. It was the next morning, and they were all in Sabia's room, checking on her. Sirius had gotten her tea, juice, and a glass of water, as well as a tray of assorted breakfasts he had told the two house elves, which Lily had only see once, to bring her. "Isn't that what you said before you left, Clark?"
There was a ringing silence in the room and then Clark pinned his gaze on his wife, who was glaring at him fiercely. "We have guests, Sabia," he said softly.
"Bollocks to that. Sirius isn't a guest and Lily might as well know," Sabia said righteously, and Lily hid a grin, still wondering what they were talking about. When had Clark left? What did that mean? "You still haven't apologized, you know, and I really-"
Lily grabbed at the back of James's shirt and the collar of Black's, dragging them out of the room to give the older Potters some privacy. They both struggled, but in the end the followed her.
"You're going to stretch my shirt, Evans!" Black said petulantly. Even James rolled his eyes at that. Lily did not deign to answer him, instead turning to James and opening her mouth to ask when his father had `left'.
"It's none of your business," he said, cutting her off before she could speak, taking the words right out of Lily's mouth-or her brain. "Just forget about it. It's over."
Lily frowned but let it go, for the moment, vowing to ask later. Both she and James looked to James for what was to follow.
"So," James said, "any preference about what you two want to do?"
Lily turned her gaze into a glare. "Please don't put me into a group with Black. Address me separately or something-"
"Same for me, Evans," Black piped up, looking at James. "Not with her."
James rolled his eyes and put his fingers to his temples, rubbing them in small circles. He looked terribly exhausted. "Okay, you two. This is my house-even if you technically live here right now, Sirius. You're both staying here, so you might as well try to get along. You're both very alike, actually. So I'm either going to lock the two of you into a room together or you're going to shut up so the voices in my head aren't so chaotic-"
"Why don't you go sleep or something? Or get a cup of tea?" asked Lily, genuinely worried. He was going to wear himself out if he did not take care of himself. She cleared her throat and met his guarded eyes. "You're not any fun when you're irritable."
James shot her an extremely disbelieving look and turned, heading for the kitchen and muttering about bossy Head Girls who had no idea how to deal with actual people.
"Well," Black said jovially. "I think James is in a spiffing mood."
Lily turned and marched up the stairs, leaving Black behind.
……
She was bored.
She considered wandering around outside the house and dismissed the idea in case Catherine was still around. Instead, she left her room and walked through the house, which was silent.
She came across Black staring broodingly into the fire in the drawing room, and he saw her before she could retreat.
"Ah, Evans," he said, "anything wrong?"
She shrugged. "I'm fine. And you?"
"Don't be so polite," he said easily, waving a hand and motioning for her to sit across from him. She did, realizing that he was drinking from a bottle of firewhisky. She wanted some to calm her frayed nerves, but she would gouge her eyes out before she would ask Black for alcohol.
"So," he began in a conversational tone. "Are you fucking James?"
Lily paused, wondering how best to handle this and whether she really had to. It was Black-she could just walk away and ignore him. "Do you think I am?"
He frowned. "Do you normally sleep naked with blokes you aren't shagging?"
Lily smiled a little and raised an eyebrow, sitting back in her chair. "Good point. Very good point. So you caught me-now what?"
"Are you still dating Malfoy? Whassisname? Valeria? Vicky? Vince? Yes, it's Vince." He said in a snide tone, his sneer making it clear what he thought of that particular name.
"Yes," Lily gritted out.
"So you're cheating on a Malfoy with a Potter. That's terribly special."
"Why is it so special?" Lily asked angrily, glaring at Black.
"The Malfoys and the Potters are in a feud of sorts, have been since before the day James was born." He snorted. "It's gotten even worse since the day he was born."
Lily perked up but Black did not notice. She knew she should not take advantage of his obvious tipsy state to pry information out of him, but she could not help herself.
Eh-it's not like he would realize. How smart could Black be?
She cleared her throat. "What happened the day James was born?"
Black threw her a look of disgust. "Are you stupid, Evans? December 31, 1960."
Lily stared at him blankly. "What?" The date was extremely familiar, but she could not put her finger on just what it was. She was sure she had heard it sometime-perhaps in school or during a class. She could look in one of her textbooks later.
Black sighed heavily and took a long swig from the bottle. "Evans. Think. Use your brain. James wasn't born in St. Mungo's. He was born inside the Ministry. On December 31, 1960."
Lily got up and sat down on his couch, right next to him. "I don't understand. Why does that matter? Why should it make him hate his birthday?" Remus said something about it…James is a Ministry Baby?
Black sighed. "Merlin-Evans, do you know anything at all? Oh, wait-you're Muggleborn. But still-you should know since you're so smart. And you're very pretty too-very, very, very pretty. Hot, even, I'd say. Too bad you're-"
"Black-" Lily choked, holding back laughter at his vacant expression.
There was the sound of a creaking floorboard and Lily jumped up, flushing guiltily as James walked into the room. Black, looking just as guilty, stared at his friend with wide eyes.
James looked between Lily and Black, his face bewildered, and then his expression went blank. He nodded slightly, even grimly, and sat down.
"So…how are you?"
Lily winced and dropped into the armchair next to James's, quite sure that he was avoiding her eyes. Had he heard any of the previous conversation? That could be disastrous-though neither had said it, they both knew she should not pry into his life and his secrets.
"Just fine, Jamsie-me-mate. You still alive up in this place?"
What a fucking lame cover-up.
James raised an eyebrow. "I rather obviously am, right? I'm sitting here across from you. You just found me after shagging Lily last night. You've got to be pretty alive to do that."
Lily bit her lip hard, sure a blush was staining her cheeks.
"Yes, but I mean-seriously. Are you okay? Everything tip-top? And that's siriusly, not seriously."
James groaned and reached for his wand. "Now you've done it, Padfoot. Duel. Right now. I did promise yesterday."
Black nodded, taking out his own wand and grinning widely. Both boys stood, James with a little stagger-how tired is he?-and moved to the center of the room. They stood with their wands crossed, and Lily could barely contain her laughter at the sight of their grim expressions.
"Begin," she said, getting into the spirit and hiding a smile.
Both boys drew their wands away and shouted jinxes at each other at exactly the same time. Lily gasped and put up a quick shield in front of the beautifully decorated Christmas tree, as well as the fire. James Potter and Sirius Black were entirely likely to light anything on fire, no matter how difficult it was to do so.
By the time she turned back to the mock duel, James had vibrant green feathers as hair and Black was doing a jig, while unsuccessfully trying to level his wand at James. James grinned, shot a beam of yellow light at Black, and jumped up on to the table, right in front of Lily. His feathers had disappeared, much to her disappointment.
"Are we entertaining enough?" he asked mischievously, before ducking Black's hex, which hit a mirror and shattered it with a loud crash. Lily instantly repaired it and cowered on the edge of the couch, rather afraid that she would get hit.
She shrieked when Black aimed a Tickling Jinx at her and jumped up, shooting and Impedimentia at him and smiling when he froze. James turned to her, breathing hard, and frowned mockingly. "Now, now, now, Evans," he said, "you know that a duel is between two people, and not three?"
"I'm well aware of that fact," she said loftily.
"And do you also realize," he said, his eyes dancing and his voice deeper, "that you just Impendimented Sirius and not me?"
Lily raised an eyebrow. "Impendimented isn't a word, James."
"'Tis now," he said flippantly. "So the question here is: why are you helping me and not Sirius?"
Lily tapped her chin with her wand. "Hmm…maybe it's because I'm fucking you and I need you to continue fucking me. I don't have that arrangement with Black."
James paused. "He may be jinxed-but he can still hear you."
"Oh," Lily assured him, "Black knows. He just doesn't know why."
James took a few steps closer and took her wand from her hand, throwing it on the couch. He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off by pulling him down and meeting his open mouth with hers.
He groaned deep into her throat and Lily shivered, feeling something intangible pass between them. Oh, God…this was not supposed to happen-not in any way, shape or form. She was not supposed to feel things for James Potter.
Too bloody late.
"I think," she said lightly, pulling away and desperately trying to cover the change that had occurred, "that you're reading too much into this. I only jinxed him because he tried to jinx me."
James nodded dazedly, his expression vacant and mirroring the way Lily herself felt.
They were too absorbed in each other to realize that Sirius had come free of the jinx, and he promptly sent a Babbling Curse at James, who erupted in a flurry of speech just an inch from Lily's mouth. She met Black's eyes furiously over James's shoulder and quickly Confounded him.
"…Iwonderwhatamoebassmelllike.Dotheysmellfishyandsaltyordotheyhavenosmellatall…?"
Lily sent a Silencing Charm at James, then cursed herself for her stupidity and performed the countercurse. He stared at her, opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Lily took off the Silencing Charm and they both looked at Sirius, who was teetering on his feet, staring at the ceiling and apparently counting stars.
"Well," said James.
Just then, the door burst open and James's father stood there, out of breath and looking around wildly. "What happened? Is everyone all right?"
Lily looked around the room at that and realized that it was totally trashed, aside from the mirror, the tree, and the area in front of the fireplace. Her shields had held, and while they were much fainter, they were still in place.
Mr. Potter's face was thunderous. "James," he said levelly, "you're not allowed to use magic unless you're doing chores."
James shrugged, pointing his wand at Black, looking his father defiantly in the eye, and performing the countercurse to Lily's spell.
"You're grounded," Clark said furiously. "No magic-do you understand me? I thought you knew better than to do something like this. Do all your chores by hand, now."
He slammed the door to the room shut and Lily flinched, but James shrugged again and pushed Black, who was still slightly bewildered, down into a chair. "My dad's going to ask you about those Shield Charms," he said flatly.
Lily glanced at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," James snapped, "that he's going to ask who did them, and when he finds out it's you, he's going to go into raptures over it. He's of the idea that people who are good at Defense are amazing in their own right, and he'll want to talk to you about it continuously."
Lily fell silent, and then she looked up at him. "Obviously good Defense skills don't make for good people," she said, self-loathing apparent in her voice.
James sighed, threw a look at Black (still muddled), and pulled her aside, near the Christmas tree. It threw half his face into shadow and he looked intimidating, standing there like that where she could not see his expression.
"You think you're a bad person?"
She hesitated, just long enough for him to take it as an affirmation.
"Why the hell d'you think you're a bad person, Lily?"
She shook her head. "I don't! I just…I just don't like myself very much at the moment."
"You don't-like-are you mad?"
"James…I'm cheating on Vince, aren't I?...and I don't really care. I mean-I do, obviously, because I'm worrying about it…but it doesn't make me…" Enjoy sleeping with you any less…
He sucked in a sharp breath. "Well-you're trying to make him happy, right?"
Lily nodded. "Still-I'm cheating on him. He won't be happy if he finds out how I learned to make him happy."
James thought about that for a moment. "Ah-yes. Then you're cheating on him."
Lily sighed. "What kind of girlfriend cheats on a boyfriend she's so afraid will cheat on her?"
James tried to unravel her words. "Er…a smart one? I mean-it's Vince Malfoy. He's not the best boyfriend to have."
"Exactly. Why am I dating him?"
James stared at her, quite lost. What the hell was wrong with girls anyway?
"Because he asked me out first," Lily said, almost to herself. "And no one else had ever done that."
James snorted. "Just forget me and my eighty-three invitations."
"Eighty-six," Lily corrected absently.
He stared. "I was just picking a random number. You counted?"
She shrugged, smiling slightly. "I figured I could throw it back in your face someday. So I counted. And I didn't really count you as a human being at that point."
"This is true," he conceded.
"But…I mean-is it really that bad of me to be doing this? I thought I wouldn't care, but actually seeing him…I feel so guilty."
He shook his head. "You've got nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. Lily, this is going to sound arrogant but…don't fall for me."
Her head snapped up. "Pardon?"
He was looking at her very seriously. "Don't fall for me," he requested quietly. "I wouldn't be able to deal with it."
She would have responded, but they were interrupted.
"Really-how long can you two over there have a heart-to-heart? You do realize that Confundus Charms are unstable and that I'm normal now. The least you could do is pay a little attention to me."
"Shut up, Padfoot," James said good-naturedly, not taking his eyes from Lily's and in fact moving even closer.
"I will not be told to shut up like a common vagrant," Black said loftily, from out of sight.
"No, you'll be told to shut up like the mangy dog that you are," James threw back, dipping his head down so his lips were just near Lily's.
"I am very insulted."
"Good." James kissed her and Lily had to swallow her giggle-snogging while Sirius Black was in the room-most decidedly disgusting, but also rather exciting.
Until he decided to walk over, stumbled, and knocked into the tree, which made the very heavy ceramic angel on top to hurtle to the ground, causing James and Lily to jump apart as it smashed between them.
James met Lily's eyes and she grinned, jerking her head to the side to motion him over. They walked around the still-standing (miraculously) tree and stared down at Black, who was out cold.
"Seems like Black isn't very tolerable to being confounded," Lily said.
"His mother used to do it to him all the time," James confided, laughing at Lily's horrified look. "What? He was a nasty little kid. Confounding him was the only thing besides stunning that would knock him out. They just put the Charm on him, removed it, and had a little relief from his incessant, high-pitched chatter."
"Aw…you used a couple big words in that sentence, James. I'm impressed. Really, you did.
He grinned lopsidedly and Lily could have slapped herself for the weakness in her knees. "Just for you."
……
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