Unofficial Portkey Archive

A/N: The song Stairway to Heaven is AMAZING. Even if you can't listen to it, I recommend that you look up the lyrics and read them before or after you read this flipping 30 page chapter.

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 27: Of Breaking and Purity
Date Begun: Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Date Finished: Monday, March 28, 2005
Date Posted: Tuesday, May 10, 2005

……

[Stairway to Heaven, by Led Zeppelin]

……

Lily truly meant to break up with Vince, but when she did not see him at breakfast the next day and she did not have Potions, her only class with him, she was unable to do so. She did not go to lunch because she had to finish her essay for Transfiguration, and she could feel James's level gaze on her throughout the entire day. Lily had no time to talk to anyone, really. Her grades were going to slip and her work was piling up with every passing day. She had no idea how James was getting through it, but she had her suspicions when she saw that his friends looked just as tired as he, probably from staying up and doing some of James's work.

Lily was beginning to wonder whether Vince was avoiding her. She went to the library after classes ended and spread out all her Charms materials. Lily was struggling in Charms, and Lily Evans did not struggle in Charms.

Before she had gotten into her work for ten minutes James sat down across from her and slammed her book shut. Lily looked up and glared at him, still trying to be angry because of the way he had yelled at her last night, but could not help but soften. He looked horrible, even though she had the sneaking suspicion that he was wearing a Glamour Charm.

"Well?" he asked quickly, leaning forward. Apparently he was not as angry as he had been last evening.

"Well, what?" Lily questioned, batting his hands from her book and looking for the page she had been on.

"Well…did you break up with him?"

Lily kept her eyes on her book and flushed.

"Lily!" James said, pushing off the table and leaning back in his chair, looking disgusted. "You said you would!"

"I know," she hissed, looking around, "but I haven't seen him at all today!"

"He was at lunch!"

"And I wasn't!" Lily replied. "James-look, I promise I'll do it as soon as I can. I can't give you anything else."

He held her gaze and then dropped it. "Fine. You better, though."

He got up and began to walk away, but Lily stopped him.

"What's it to you?" she called loudly, surprising herself. Several people shushed them and Madame Pince gave them a dirty look.

"What?" he asked, walking back to her table.

"You heard me. Why do you want me to break up with him so badly? What'll you do, then?" Lily toyed with her quill and tried not to glare at him, biting her lip.

He raised an eyebrow, his cynicism apparent. For just a moment, he reminded of how he used to be, but then he was back to his strange, worn countenance. He looked as if he was ten years older than his real age. "Then," he said to her, "I'll date you."

Lily threw down her quill and stretched her arms over her head. "Really?" she asked, trying not to think about how wrong this was. How could she be flirting with James after so much had happened? How could she pretend to be okay like this? How could he pretend things were okay? "What makes you so sure I'll date you? What if you ask me out and I say no?"

James leaned across the table and picked up a lock of her hair, twirling it in his fingers. Lily found that she liked flirting with James very much, even if he looked as though he was making an effort. "Date me?" he whispered in her ear, tugging on her hair. Helplessly, Lily nodded, and he kissed her lightly, unabashed that someone might see, his other hand weaving into the hair at the back of her neck.

Lily felt something shift in the air and pulled back. "Vince is coming," she whispered, and James pulled back quickly, frowning.

"How do you know that?" he demanded.

Over his shoulder, Lily saw that Vince had just entered the library and was looking around. "Quick!" she hissed. "Go!"

"Break up with him!" James hissed back, disappearing behind a set of shelves. Lily looked up as Vince came over to her, still knowing that James was there and listening in.

"Hello, Lily," he said smoothly, sitting down where James had. "Heard the news?"

"What news?" she asked, looking up at him. She had not seen him in two days, and his first words were, `Heard the news'?

"Clark Potter." Vince smiled. "Guilty."

Lily frowned. "Oh," she said, biting her lip and picking up her quill. "Should I be happy or something?"

Vince laughed. "Maybe it'll make Potter a little less unbearable, now that everyone knows what trash he comes from. Honestly! A Slytherin who married a Gryffindor. She got what she deserved, in the end."

Lily gripped her quill tightly, almost bending it in two. "Vince-"

"Where were you at lunch today?" Vince asked, interrupting her. Lily sighed in frustration.

"I was here," she snapped, "doing work. I'd rather not fail."

Vince rolled his eyes. "Calm down, Lily."

Lily pushed down so hard with her quill a little rip appeared in the parchment. She looked up and saw that Vince had noticed; his eyebrow was raised and he was smiling slightly. All of a sudden, she felt his foot rubbing against her ankle. Lily shut her eyes and counted to ten, the opened her eyes and prepared to tell him off.

She could not. She could not speak for a moment. She tried again, and finally the words came. "Vince-stop it."

He sighed and took his foot away. "Fine," he said. "I'll see you later, Lily." He got up and Lily crumpled up her parchment, then realized that she had forgotten to break up with him.

What was happening to her? How could she forget something like that? Lily got up and began to look for James, certain he was still in the library. She found him within easy earshot, holding a huge book upside down and looking angry.

"Did you hear that?" she asked, taking the book from his hands, closing it, and putting it back on the shelf. As if James cared about the exact events in the Goblin War of 453 BC.

He nodded, tight-lipped, and Lily sighed. She motioned to the floor and sat, soon followed by James.

"Talk, yet?" Lily asked calmly, leaning back against a shelf. There was so little space between the stacks that her shins, even as her legs were crossed, were pressed up against James's.

"I'm fine," James said, his voice deceptively light. "It's nothing but the usual. Everyone's saying that I'm going to show my true colors soon, that I'm going to up and kill someone." He shrugged. "Really. It doesn't matter because I know it's not true and that's enough for me-"

"You don't have to pretend with me, James," Lily scolded, running her hand along his leg. James peered at her in the gloom of the dusty stacks and shrugged again.

"Don't I? Isn't it easier for you if I pretend to be alright?" He cocked his head to the side and waited for an answer.

Lily had known a confident, self-assured, if slightly arrogant boy. This was something new. This was a James she had never met before, and he was fast taking her under his spell with this side of him, as well.

"I never asked for easy," she whispered, gluing her eyes to his. "Back there-when you were flirting with me-that was…forced. You shouldn't have…you've got valid reasons to be angry, James. You've had a very unfair month or so. You being okay kind of scares me."

James shut his eyes. "I am…so, so tired," he confessed, opening his eyes and looking at her. "I haven't slept in…days? Maybe weeks. I don't know."

Lily reached slowly for her wand. "May I?" she asked, motioning with it to his face. He nodded after a slight hesitation and then Lily said, "Finite Incantatem!" His glamour fell away and Lily studied his haggard, sunken face, taking in the deep hollows beneath his eyes, the pale color of his skin, and the bloodshot veins in the whites of his eyes. She sighed and ran her fingers along his leg again.

"How bad is it?" he asked, his voice cracking. Lily stared at him, alarmed, and shrugged.

"You're okay," she told him. "As well as can be expected."

James paused and stared off into the distance, opening his mouth and closing it several times. "Lily…I miss you-very much." He swallowed hard; Lily knew it was hard for him to say such a thing and she took a deep breath, having nothing to respond with. She stared right into his eyes, hoping that he could interpret what she was feeling for him, because there were no words for it. For a moment, he looked confused, but then some sort of intangible understanding passed between them and James moved his hand to pick up hers, which was inches away.

Suddenly Lily was cold.

She wasn't just chilly-she was freezing, dying, swirling into a pit of water in dead of winter, the stars just a patch above her. She felt as if she was enclosed in liquid-she was unable to breathe. Pain-all she could feel was pain, starting from her chest and spreading outwards. She thought she heard something snap or crack into two pieces; her entire body felt like it was being ripped apart, pulled in two opposite directions. She wanted to scream, but all she could do was gasp sharply. She felt something sudden and real, not phantasmal, and she crashed back into reality; James had pinched her wrist.

"Lily?" he ventured, gripping her hand tightly. "What just happened?"

Lily blinked, trying to get her bearings. "I…I don't know. But I feel…better."

It was true. The perpetual headache she had seemed to have since New Year's was gone. She had not known she had had one until it had gone. She felt light-free. Something had changed, yet Lily had no idea what it was. She cleared her throat. "Just forget it, James," she told him, praying he would change the subject. She would think about it…late. After she had helped him.

"How's your relationship with your mother?" he asked, taking her silent advice. "We never really talked about your family too much."

Lily jumped enthusiastically for the easy out and began to tell him about her childhood, and how her father's parents were wonderful but her maternal grandparents were slightly standoffish, because she and her sister were half-Irish, although only Lily looked it. Lily loved her mother very much and told him how terrible she felt for not writing to her parents as often as she should. She had never told him anything so personal and found that she liked talking about herself, only because she was making him laugh, even if he was laughing too hard at jokes that were not the slightest bit funny and even then, only randomly.

When she had exhausted herself with stories and told him everything she could think of, he put his hands around her upper arms and tugged, so she was pulled onto her knees. Lily put her arms around him and he pressed his face into her robes, just above her breasts, his head warm, heavy, and right. James slid his hands to the small of her back and kept them there, steadying her. Lily moved her hands to his hair and began to sift her fingers through it, then told him to wash it, otherwise he would become just like Snape and she would never sleep with him again (even though she did not give a damn how clean his hair was, as long as it was attached to a living James-not that she would ever tell him that). He laughed a little and pulled back, looking up at her, his eyes clear and bright behind his glasses. Very seriously, very quietly, and very shockingly, James Potter told her that he loved her.

Lily saw from the strange look in his eyes that he had not meant to say that in the least; perhaps he had not known he felt that way in the first place. Indecision quickly followed in his eyes, then resignation, as she stared down at him, her lips slightly parted in shock. He thought himself stupid for telling her, Lily realized.

Strangely, Lily did not want to say it back, even though she knew he wanted her to. It was not…the right time. She felt something so powerful welling up inside her she was afraid it would all spill out, like water boiling over in a saucepan. Instead, she leaned down and kissed him lingeringly, her mouth open and willing against his, if he wished to take it. He did not, kissing her open-mouthed with only his lips and not his tongue, his breath mingling with hers. Lily thought it was the sexiest, most erotic, most mind-blowing kiss she had ever received from him-or Vince, she realized, on second thought. She was finding it hard to think when he was kissing her like this, so she gave in and forgot everything else, giving her all to James.

……

The next time James asked her to go to his mother's funeral (two hours after their meeting in the library), Lily said yes after a slight pause, almost waiting for a hand to weigh down on her, lightning to strike before her, to force her to say no. Instead, James gave her a smile and pressed her hand in his before continuing down the hall, moving slowly. Lily knew his father would be free to attend the funeral on that day, and that it was going to be only friends, meaning there was no danger of Vince being there. There was to be a large memorial service at the Ministry, but the funeral was at James's home.

Lily missed it.

She missed Godric's Hollow, and she also missed her own home. She went through classes in a haze for the next few days, and on Friday, she told Vince that she was going to be studying all weekend, and not to wait for her at meals; she would just go down to the kitchens.

He did not seem to be listening. Lily preferred it that way, and she was able to sneak down to Hogsmeade with very little trouble. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were waiting there, and his friends looked slightly surprised when she showed up. Remus murmured something to Sirius, who whispered back, his eyes on Lily. Lily stood awkwardly as James threw out his wand hand and the Knight Bus appeared with a BANG!

The paid their fares, boarded, and settled in for the long ride to Godric's Hollow. Lily saw Sirius go up and speak quietly to the driver, who threw a look over his shoulder and then nodded. Sirius came back and said they would be arriving at Godric's Hollow in four hours, instead of the overnight trip.

"Did you know," Sirius said, "that they've changed when you can do magic? The Ministry, I mean."

Lily looked up. "What?"

"I heard it from my dad, I think. I mean-you've always been of age at seventeen, but now you can do magic then too, even if you're not out of school. Now you can only do magic once you're fully trained-it's effective immediately if you were born before September 1st, but the gits haven't told anyone yet. I suppose that's why your dad didn't tell you, James, so he could keep you in line. I mean-we can do magic. We don't have to be out of school in order to do it."

"Why?" Lily asked.

Sirius paused. "I reckon they want as many people as possible who are able to fight against Voldemort," he said quietly. "Everything's different because of him…"

Lily had stopped listening and was alternating between staring out the window and at James, whose gaze was firmly fixed outside of the glass, on the rapidly moving countryside. The lurching of the Knight Bus made it impossible for her to sleep, especially since she was sitting in an armchair and it was only just getting dark outside. To pass the time, Lily reached into her bag and pulled out one of the essays she had brought with her, and began writing about Human Transfigurations, keeping her mind of anything else and putting down fact after fact in the neatest writing she could, considering where she was. By the time she finished and her last period had been placed on the page, she looked up, then glanced at her watch, and saw that there was still an hour and a half of their journey left.

She leaned her head back and tried to sleep, but was jolted awake every minute or so. It was a torturous hour and half, with Sirius and Remus and Peter talking quietly to one another, and Lily thinking vaguely, abstractly, about James.

The controls had shifted from his hands to hers, ever since the day his mother died. Before, Lily had had no worries about seeing James, because he kept on pushing to get her to break up with Vince, kept on pushing to get her talk to him. Her talks with James were either frivolous or they were explosive arguments. Now-Lily had to seek him out. James had stopped steering-their relationship was up to her.

Stan finally announced they had reached Godric's Hollow. Lily glanced and James and saw that he was ashen as he got up, almost sickly looking. They descended from the bus, Lily considerably warmer to Stan than she had been on her last ride. He winked at her and Lily waved before the bus disappeared.

They began to walk up the path to the house. The enchanted flowers had died with no one to renew the spells. The house was not dirty on the outside, but Lily sensed that there was a darkness about it. The windows seemed to droop, the door seemed to sag, and there was no smoke coming out of the chimney. It did not look like the house Lily had stayed at for a week.

James opened the door, his movements halted, and Peter was the first to walk inside when no one else did. Remus glanced and James and then Sirius before going in, and Sirius hesitated the longest. He opened his mouth to say something to James and Lily hastened to go inside so they could be alone. She knew James would not want to enter the house, and she knew Sirius would talk him into it.

Sirius put an arm in front of her, blocking her way. Lily stared at him and he shrugged, a bitter smile on his face. "Like I said," he told her, "everything's changing."

Sirius left her alone to persuade James to enter the house. Lily stared after him, shell-shocked and almost pathetically sad. She had no right to come in and take away Sirius Black's importance in James's life. James was standing on the steps, looking unsure. Lily put her hand on his arm and then went inside. As she had suspected, Sirius was standing just inside the door, and he jumped when he saw her.

"Sirius," she said in a low voice, "not everything's changing."

Sirius struggled with his words. "Yes," he finally came out with. "But you're the one who…you would be able to…I'm going to the kitchen, Lily. Just bring James in, would you?" He stalked off and Lily was left to go outside and talk to James. She shut the door behind her and sat down, then pulled him down to the steps with her. "Do you want to go in, yet?" she asked, and he shook his head. "Okay," she replied. "Why not?"

James licked his lips and shrugged. Lily nudged him with her shoulder and stayed pressed up against his side, leaning her head on his shoulder. After ten minutes of a hesitant, waiting silence, James licked his lips again. "It's…I've lived in there all my life…and those memories. Now what do I do with them?"

"You use them," Lily murmured. "To remember her."

"That's not good enough," James said sharply. "I want her back. That's what I want more than anything. I want my Mum to come back."

"She's not coming back, James," Lily said gently. James took a deep breath and a chilly, brisk wind blew her hair into their faces. Lily pushed it back from her mouth and put her hand on James's back, running it up and down absently. "She's not coming back."

"And it's not my fault," James said, somewhat petulantly. "I wish I could have warned her but I didn't know…I mean Rebecca basically let me know, but not with any detail. She just said sorry. Okay. You're sorry. Great. What was I supposed to do with that? Say thanks? Automatically know what was going to happen? It's not like I knew. Fuck-and my father? He would…it wouldn't-he could never, never, never, kill-oh, damn," James said, cutting himself off and unable to finish. "I feel like I'm going to be sick." He leaned over and put his head between his knees, his breath quick and ragged. No, Lily thought, is he going to cry?!

He straightened back up and Lily saw that his eyes were dry. She sighed with relief and he looked at her, seeing it in her face. He smiled wryly.

"Lily," he said, his voice suddenly flat, as though he was disappointed with her, "could I please be alone?"

She nodded and then got up slowly, keeping her hand on his shoulder. Then she opened the door and went inside.

……

Later that night, Lily learned that Sirius, Remus, and Peter always stayed in the rooms in the hallway off the kitchen, a corridor she had not known existed. Sirius hesitantly explained to her that the reason no one had ever stayed in what Lily called her room was Sabia's attachment to it. It had been the room she had slept in when she and Clark had separated.

"But then why did she let me sleep there?" Lily asked, rather dismayed.

Sirius shrugged, just as the door opened and James walked in. "I don't know. Maybe she saw something in you."

James then shut himself in his room and the rest of them ate dinner, then fell into an awkward silence around the kitchen table. Lily announced that she was going to bed and washed her plate quickly, knowing they wanted to talk about her. She left with a simple goodnight and picked up her bag, then went to her room and opened the door.

The bag fell from her limp fingers. First, she noticed the burn marks on the door to the bathroom. The knob was gone. She snatched her fingers from the hallway doorknob her hand still rested on, but there was no trace of violence on it. On the outside, the door was perfect, but the room within was completely trashed.

The beautiful mirror that had hung over the dresser had been shattered; pieces of glass covered the floor. The vase that always had fresh flowers in it was overturned. Lily could see a dark patch where the water had soaked into the carpet so deeply it had not dried. She stepped into the room, her shoes crunching over the broken glass, and she bent to pick up a dead flower.

Something was in her throat. Lily could hardly breathe as she turned in her place, looking around the room. Destruction was everywhere. Two of the bedposts were snapped off. Lily, sensing something terrible, stepped forward, the sound of glass being destroyed grating on her ears. She looked at the bed and saw the rumpled condition of the sheets, the blood-

She ran from the room and slammed the door, breathing hard. She snatched up her bag and went down the hall, down to James's room. She paused outside his door, breathing heavily, unsure of what to do. He must have heard her, because the door swung open and he stared patiently at her. He had taken off his Glamour Charm and he looked ragged around the edges, but better than he had that day in the library.

"Can I sleep with you?" she asked shakily.

It was a mark of how well he knew her that his eyes narrowed and he peered over her shoulder into the shadowy corridor. His hand closed over hers and Lily looked up to find him close enough to kiss. She shook her head desperately at him. "What's wrong?" he asked firmly. "Why here? Why not your room?"

"That," Lily answered, "is not my room!"

James's expression changed. "What's in there, Lily?" he had asked warily.

"Nothing. I just…too many memories! I don't want to sleep up there! Besides…it's…."

"Liar!" James hissed, throwing her hand from his and trying to walk past her.

"Don't!" she gasped. "James-please, don't!" He tried to push her aside but she dug her heels in and held. "James-if you go in there, I swear to every deity in existence that I won't sit with you while you cry, because I am NOT watching you cry!"

"Why are you so afraid to see me cry?" James asked. He had gotten past her and was almost at the door. Lily tugged him back and managed to get him inside his room. She slammed the door shut with much effort.

"Because that's-that's not how it works!" Lily cried. "James-do not go in there!"

He halted, hearing the desperation in her voice. "Why?" he asked hollowly, his hand already falling from the doorknob of his own bedroom door. Lily laced her fingers through his and squeezed them tightly. James pressed her against the door and his head hit the wood, his breath warm against her cheek. Lily put her arms around him and maneuvered so one of her legs was between his, pressed up against him in a way she knew he loved. He tried to resist but she rocked against him and he sagged, groaning. She turned his face to kiss him but he turned away with an incoherent sound. She tried again and this time he propelled himself away from the wall and glared at her. "What is wrong with you?" he asked. "Why is your only means of comfort sex?"

"That's not true," Lily responded angrily, vividly remembering the library.

"And why are you afraid to see me cry?" he demanded again. "What's so repulsive about…about seeing me cry?"

His voice was not thick and his eyes were clear, but Lily was still sure he would break down at any moment. She shrugged helplessly at him and he made a disgusted noise, looking her up and down, considering. After a beat, he sighed. "Come on," he said gruffly, turning away.

"W-what?" Lily asked, confused.

"You do sleep, don't you? You're human enough for that, right?" He turned again.

"With you?" she squeaked, even though this had been her original request.

James turned and this time he came forward, grabbing her arm and dragging her over to his bed. "As if your spineless back could hold up against sleeping on the couch downstairs," he said snidely.

"I'm not spineless," Lily muttered. James made an incredulous sound.

"Don't fuck around," he said harshly. "You've still got that bloody boyfriend of yours."

"I don't want to talk about Vince," Lily said lamely.

"You never want to talk about anything!" James countered hotly, tearing off his shirt and throwing it in the corner. "Merlin, Lily-all you do is lead me on again and again and again and I can't take it anymore! Do you hear me? Do you hear me?"

"What are you-are you mad? James-you and I agreed that this would be nothing and then you expressly told me to keep my feelings for you at bay, to not fall for you, as if that's possible…you expected all that, and every time I pushed you away because of it you considered it teasing? Are-you-mad? You expect me to miraculously be able to deal with everything that's been happening and I need time to…to adjust-James-"

James threw his trousers in the corner as well and ripped back the covers on his bed, not even listening to her, or perhaps simply ignoring what she was saying. "GET IN!" he roared.

Lily winced. "You're going to wake Sirius and Remus and Peter up."

He grabbed her arm and violently began untying the drawstring of her trousers, pushing her down on the bed and tugging them off her legs, then throwing them to the side. Her shirt was loose enough to sleep in and she scrambled up on the bed, away from him; sensing that she was frightened, James got in on the other side and yanked the covers up, turning from her and settling down to sleep.

Lily lay by his side, terrified of what had just happened. She waited for a long time, staring at the ceiling, not moving, and then she turned over, looking at James. Without her noticing, he had turned onto his back and was lying there, his brow furrowed and his eyes trained on the ceiling. He blinked slowly, and Lily knew he was alive. She put her hand on his forehead and carefully stoked his hair; James shifted, yet Lily did not stop. She knew he would not wake.

Unbidden, Lily said, "Don't be angry with me, James," and she put her head on his chest and tried to sleep. His chest rose evenly underneath her head and he put his arm around her waist, breathing hotly down onto her neck. She heard a change in his breathing and looked up, pushing herself up on her hands above him. Her hair brushed against his chest and he moved uncomfortably.

"Go on," she said, her voice cracking. "Go on."

James's breath caught in his throat. He shook his head, nodded, and then turned over and pressed his face into the pillow. She saw his shoulders shudder and felt so disgusted with herself that she could hardly think. How many days had he held up and then gone into his bed to cry, and how many times had she not been there? She lowered herself so she lay on her side next to him, one hand above his head, and the other sliding into his hair to play with it. He made an angry sound and punched his pillow; Lily moved closer, putting her hand on the small of his back and kneading out some of the tension. If only she could take some of it onto herself-

"Don't do that," he gasped, shifting his head slightly to the side so Lily could only see a little bit of his face in the light of the moon.

"Don't do what?" she asked, perplexed.

"Put you hand there," he muttered, and Lily snatched it back as if she had been burned, holding it curled up to her chest as if protecting it.

"W-why?"

He shook his head into his pillow. She saw his eyes squeeze shut and saw his hips and legs shift as he tried to get comfortable. Despite the intimacy of their relationship, Lily flushed red and bit her lip. "Oh. That. I'm sorry."

"I don't want to feel like that right now," he said miserably, "so you can leave. Please."

She drew back as if he had slapped her; her eyes narrowed. "No." She put both her hands in his hair and was able to turn his tearstained face so she could kiss his cheek. She only tasted salt. A few more tears leaked out from beneath his shut lids and Lily clumsily wiped them away with her fingers. Maybe there was nothing more beautiful and heart-wrenching in the world as seeing James cry. She put her head down next to his and moved so close that their noses were touching.

"You know how I feel about you, don't you?" she whispered, breathing hard. He shook his head violently, trying to turn his face away. Lily would not let him. She swallowed. She looked out the window over his shoulder and the stars spun crazily-the world tilted on its axis. It wheeled and wheeled around until she was dizzy with the force of it. Lily tugged on his hair and drew and deep, confused moan from him. Maybe he knew; he probably didn't say. There weren't any words for it, not even I love you.

She drifted off against the feeling of his back rhythmically rising up and down beneath her, and she half-woke during the night after her pillow had changed into something else-a real one--to see him standing by the open window, letting frigid air into the room.

For just that instant of consciousness, Lily felt the sharpest, most sudden, most painful feeling of grief and loss she had ever felt in her life-for the loss James had suffered-perhaps it was her heart that broke in two and ached deeply for the boy who had, within the past month, suddenly, undeservedly, become a man. Lily had always thought James would remain a boy forever, much like Peter Pan, but he had shed his innocence and gained something, something of strange quality that made him an undeniable leader-it was seriousness, confidence, gravitas. Within the space of two seconds' time, Lily realized just how broken James was, and just how much he needed to be healed-just how impossible it would be to heal him. Lily had no clue what to do for him but she tried to understand what James's loss entailed; how much love he had lost with his parents. How could someone live like that?

Unable to move or think, Lily shivered, made a sound because she was so cold, and fell back asleep, waking in the morning tucked against James and cocooned in blankets that smelled just like him. She moaned softly and rolled away from him, stretching. She turned back to get warm again and started when she saw that he was awake, blinking slowly, as if just having woken.

"Are you alright?" he asked hoarsely, his voice scratchy from sleep and tears. Lily shook her head and moved closer to her, entwining her bare legs with his and settling herself against the warmth of his chest.

"Now there's a question for you to answer," she responded, drawing designs of his chest with her nails. She saw goosebumps on his arms and chest, but did not feel the smug satisfaction she normally did. She was too drained, and this was not the day for such a feeling.

He bent his head and she felt his lips upon her hair. Lily stroked his cheek and moved closer to him, her lips pressing against his chest in a light kiss.

"Not okay," he mumbled, and Lily's head shot up so quick at the admission that she smacked him in the chin. He winced and stopped her from apologizing.

"Not okay?" she enunciated.

He shook his head, looking like a child. "No. I…there aren't any words."

"Mmm," Lily agreed. "There aren't."

They stayed in silence, and then Lily opened her mouth hesitantly. "James…we're going back tomorrow afternoon, right?"

James nodded, and Lily took a deep breath. "Well, today…I need to go somewhere…after…and I won't come back until tomorrow."

James looked down at her, a question in his eyes, but he did not ask it. He looked a little lost, knowing he would be without her for a night, but then the look was gone and he shrugged. "Don't worry about it. That's alright."

"James."

He looked at her again, his eyes slightly unfocussed. Lily knew what he was thinking about. "Don't go in that room," she whispered, running her hands up his chest and squeezing his shoulders. James looked away guiltily and she squeezed his shoulders harder. "I mean it, James."

He shrugged. "We have to be ready by eleven," he told her. "It's just after nine." He threw the covers back and they got out of bed, bumping into each other and humming and hawing and acting embarrassed. When there was a knock on the door, Lily went to get it and opened it, finding Sirius.

"Oh, good, you're here," he said. "I went to the other room to talk to you, Lily, and did you see…?"

"Yeah," she whispered, looking at the loo, where James was brushing his teeth. "Here-out in the hall." She stepped into the corridor and shut the door, holding on to the handle so there was no way James could walk into their conversation.

"Shit-Lily, I think that's where-"

"Of course," Lily snapped, but Sirius seemed unfazed. He was deep in thought. When he looked up, she knew what he was going to say.

"We've got to clean it up before he sees it, Lily. He'll snap, otherwise, and then it'll all be even more fucked up." Sirius ran his hands through his hair and blinked. He was wearing loose trouser pants and a white shirt that Lily could see through if she tried hard enough. She did not. She only looked at the door, nodded mutely, and then followed him to her old room.

The mess looked even worse now that she had rested and was fully awake. The light from the day streamed into the room and played over the glass on the floor, flashing in Lily's eyes and momentarily blinding her. Sirius and Lily took out their wands and shut the door, then got to work. They first Summoned the glass to them, but then bits of glass were actually flying at them so they had to duck. They resorted to a Gathering Charm and were now gathering a square inch of glass with every spell and dropping the broken material into the dustbin. Then they had to get down on their hands and knees and search out each remaining piece of glass by hand and eye.

Next they tackled the sheets. Lily looked out in the hall to make sure James was not there and then lugged the sheets, pillowcases, and bedspread down to the laundry room, where she made a note to continue washing them later. She rushed back to the room and helped Sirius repair or destroy the mangled furniture. When they finished, the room look bare and there were still marks of a struggle-the bathroom door, the scratches on the wall where glass had made contact, and the absence of the mirror and the vase of flowers.

Lily and Sirius turned to leave, relieved that the worst of the evidence was gone, when something made Lily stop and turn. She strode over to the bathroom door and yanked it open, the bit her lip and shut her eyes. Some dust, a little blood--horrifying…She did a quick Scourgify and looked around, then froze.

"Sirius!" she called, stepping into the loo. She reached out a hand and grabbed the object that was resting on the floor by the counter, caught in the sunlight that had leaked in from the other room. It was ring with an incredibly familiar crest on it. She whirled and shoved it in Sirius's face. He held up his hands in surprise and then his expression changed when he saw what she held.

"Lily…" he began, turning it over in his fingers. "This is…" He swallowed. "Isn't this Vince Malfoy's?"

Lily nodded, her heart in her throat. If they could prove that Vince had been here, then surely Clark Potter would have grounds for a new trial!

Sirius frowned, deep in thought. "I don't…how could he possibly have gotten here that quickly and then gotten back to Hogwarts?"

"Apparation," Lily said impatiently. "He can Apparate!"

Sirius shot a surprised look at her. "Why are you so antsy? This could put your boyfriend in prison if we talk to the right people. Plus his father, I'd bet. And his brother."

Lily shook her head. "Let's go show James!" she said impatiently, snatching the ring from Sirius's hands. For a couple days after she had first slept with Vince, she had the impression of this ring on her thigh. She would never forget the Malfoy crest, not for as long as she lived.

"Wait-no!" Sirius cried, following her from the room and shutting the door. "You can't show that to James!"

Lily spun around angrily. "Why the bloody hell not?"

"Because you'll get his hopes up!" Sirius whispered fiercely, looking around to make sure there was no one listening. "I've known James a lot longer than you have, Lily. I know he'll go into overdrive over this and he'll drive himself mad trying to prove his father innocent. You can't tell him about this!"

"Then what do you suggest we do with it?" Lily demanded. "Just leave it?"

"No, stupid," Sirius said, taking the ring from her. Lily let him. She did not like to touch it all that much. "I'll take care of it, okay? You just take care of James, and I'll take care of his dad and the ring. We're all stressed-now just go get ready for the service."

Lily was tempted to argue, but she saw the validity in Sirius's statement and caved. "You better get Clark out of prison," she said to him. "You'd better. James-well, you'd better."

"I will," Sirius told her, his gaze level and assessing. "Now go on. Get ready."

Lily gave him a long-suffering sigh and went to change.

……

White.

That was all Lily saw as she turned to look around the cavernous room from her position in the front of the hall. The official color of mourning-purity of spirit, regeneration, rebirth…She looked to her left, where James was, and then to her right, where Remus stood. Remus gave her a small, awkward smile and then stared straight ahead.

James turned around every two minutes and glanced at the door. Lily knew he was looking for Clark, who was supposed to have arrived half an hour ago with an armed escort. Even Sirius, on James's other side, looked worried about where Mr. Potter was.

The gathering "of family and friends" apparently entailed about half the Ministry, as well as all the Potters' relations. Lily had trouble linking many of these people to James, and she had run out of the mental capacity to remember how many times a person had come up to offer their condolences and James had looked at him or her blankly, totally stumped as to his or her name or position. The only time he showed any emotion was when a woman who looked eerily like Sabia, except older and prettier, came up to him and stood in front of him. She carried herself with perfect posture-Lily knew, without a doubt, that this was James's formidable grandmother, whom he had met once. This woman, this dragon of a woman, as James said his parents portrayed her, looked imperious, implacable, and…vulnerable.

"James," she said, the word sounding foreign on her tongue. Her white robes had no decoration whatsoever. Her face was haggard but still lovely; like her daughter, she was unnaturally thin.

James's back straightened with a snap. "Grandmother," he answered formally, his hands clasping at the small of his back. Lily looked over his shoulder with wide eyes, and Sabia's mother caught sight of her.

"Who is this?" she asked, her voice quiet.

James turned, almost as if he didn't know what was happening. Lily shrugged.

"This is…Lily Evans," James introduced awkwardly. Lily pressed her shoulder against his back so he could lean against her and still appear to stand up straight. It was a mark of James's upbringing that he refused to ease his posture and still remained straight.

"Evans," the women said, then sighed. There was an unfailing disapproval on her face; James must have noted it, because he straightened even further, if that was possible, and there was a distinct chill in the air around him.

"Is there something wrong, ma'am?" James asked; Lily winced at the sound of that word coming from James's mouth.

"This is not the place for such a discussion," Sabia's mother said coolly, sparing a glance at Lily, and then at Sirius, Remus, and Peter. "Young Mr. Black, is it?" she asked softly. "You're parents are attending."

Sirius shrugged. The woman sniffed, then turned back to James, as if waiting for something. Finally, she spoke. "James, I know that I have…not been there, very often, but the circumstances have forced me to act."

Circumstances? Lily raged, her fingers digging into James's shoulder.

"We've neither of us ever had a chance to talk, primarily because of your parents and their…stubbornness, shall I say? You much know how challenging it is for me to admit this, but you no longer have a stable home. Your education is the most important thing right now, and Hogwarts will never teach you what you're capable of. You need to have a place where you could be free of-outside distractions-" her pause was so subtle and her implication to Lily's presence was so masked that if Lily had not expected it, she would not have noticed "-perhaps we could even find a way to help your father. It doesn't look very good for him, and if you had enough time and the means to focus you could most probably manage to lighten his sentence."

It was true, but if James went to live with his grandmother Lily would never be able to see him again, she was sure. James remained silent, contemplating, while his grandmother continued to list reasons why he should move into her home; Lily was terrified he was actually listening, but at the same time she felt a thrill of anticipatory pain. If this was how James could prove his father innocent, even though he and Lily wouldn't be able to see each other-it would be worth it. She opened her mouth to whisper for him to say yes, her hand clenched in his robes.

He lifted his head. "No, thank you."

The woman stopped her litany, her eyes wide. People were beginning to stare.

"I said, no thank you," James repeated, as if she had not possibly heard. "I think I'll be fine here. May I escort you back to your seat?"

Sirius stepped forward. "I will," he said quickly, putting his hand on James's grandmother's arm and leading her gently back to where she had come from. James sat down, pulling Lily with him. Lily did not look at James, did not acknowledge what he had just done, probably for her.

At the moment, James was staring at the huge clock that decorated the wall of the Grand Room, above where the casket that held Sabia's body rested. Finally the cleric who was going to preside over the service approached James. Seeing his expression, the old man turned his gaze to Lily. She jerked her head towards Sirius, who had just sat down, but Remus put a hand on the man's arm and inclined his head. Lily looked to the side and saw that Sirius looked positively white. He looked as bad as James did.

"Ten minutes," the cleric said quietly to Remus, and then he backed away. Lily leaned over and Remus sighed, looking at James and putting a hand on his shoulder.

"He says they'll wait ten more minutes for your dad, but then he's got to start if you still want to…perform the last rites at exactly noon." Remus swallowed and then started back at the front of the room, his gaze fixed and steady. Lily had to admire his strength, as strange as he was. Knowing that he was a werewolf put a whole new spin on things. She was not frightened of him, per se-she now knew what all James's strange remarks meant. If it had been anyone besides Remus Lupin Lily would have been angry and frightened and prejudiced, but she knew from James and Remus himself that he was an amazing person who had been wronged by fate. She could not bring herself to be afraid of him. She would never look at werewolves the same way again, after knowing Remus.

James looked up from the floor suddenly, his eyes blazing. He turned to Lily. "Tell him to start," he said fiercely.

Lily did not argue. She looked up and caught the cleric's eye, beckoning him over. He approached and Lily asked him to start whenever he would like; they would not be waiting for Clark Potter any longer.

She knew the cleric was speaking to the room and asking all to sit, but she grasped James's fingers tightly in hers and pushed his hair out of his face. He turned to her again. "What about Vince?" he asked quietly, his voice cracking. Lily knew he didn't want to think about his mother finally being buried. "There are people here who could tell him you're here."

Lily shut her eyes, having thought of this. She opened them and did not let him look away. "I don't care," she said firmly, and then she sat back, trying to pay attention.

She shut her eyes and tried not to cry in relief when James slid his arm around her waist a minute or two later and pulled her tightly against him. She let her head drop onto his shoulder and exhaled onto his neck. Ever since that day in the library-James had touched her, but not like this. She had never felt that he had really needed her as more than a person to lead him around; she felt that he was blocking her out. James's hand was in her hair and she sniffled, but did not feel tears fall from her eyes.

They sat in silence through the speeches and the eulogies and the service. Neither James nor Sirius, neither Remus nor Peter, had decided to say anything, and it would be laughably inappropriate for Lily to speak. With every passing speaker, Lily felt James hand tighten on her waist to the point where she would have bruises, but she did not say anything to him. Lily was so busy trying not to think about how James was feeling that she blocked out the pain he was causing her and hardly heard any of the service, just bits and pieces.

"For what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

Lily looked up. She recognized the quote from one of her father's favorite books. James had once told her that his mother simply loved the quote but had not the time to read the entire book. She felt him squeeze her waist and she bit back a gasp of pain. She almost jumped when she felt another hand on James's, whipping her head to the side and seeing Sirius pry James fingers away from her body.

James looked up and let go, looking at her, startled. She bit her lip and felt him grasp her waist again, this time gently. She smiled her thanks at Sirius and he shrugged, inscrutable as always. Sirius put his hand on her shoulder, not looking at her, and stared stonily ahead. Ten minutes later, the service ended. Clark Potter had not appeared.

There was a rustle of silk, satin, and various other cloths as everyone in the room stood. Lily looked around, disoriented, not sure what to do next. She knew wizards did not see caskets into the grave and throw handfuls of earth on top, but she did not know the proper protocol that followed a wizarding funeral.

James began to walk slowly, pulling Lily with him. Sirius grabbed her wrist and kept her where she was. James paused, but then he squared his shoulders and walked past Remus and Peter, starting down the aisle down the middle of the chairs and heading for the staircase. As he passed, every single head bowed in respectful sympathy. Sirius held tightly onto Lily's hand, whether to keep her from running to James or to keep himself from doing the same. Sirius looked over to where Sabia's mother was standing, staring at James, but the woman did not move.

Lily assumed she had never really known her daughter.

James started up the steps, and Sirius prodded Lily, who prodded Remus, who poked Peter. Peter led their procession out of the room, and just as Sirius stepped into the aisle behind her and fell into their single-file line, a harrowing, heart-wrenching strain of music melted into the air, trailing off as quickly as it had come. More quivering notes dropped into the air, their origin undetermined. Lily resolved to ask Sirius later.

James was not by the door that led to the upper floors of the house. Sirius and Lily exchanged a meaningful look before Sirius headed for the stairs, filling Remus and Peter in on their find in Lily's old room as they followed. Lily paused at the steps and thought about how Sirius had left her outside with James the day before, thinking she was the only one could help him. He had done her a favor.

Lily stepped back from the steps, doing him the same favor. She turned to greet the guests, who were just appearing at the top of the stairs. She introduced herself, accepted condolences, told them James and his friends would be along shortly, and directed them to the kitchen, where refreshments had been set out. She did not see anyone she knew, but she was sure plenty of people knew her and knew Vince. She did not see Sabia's mother again.

It was when she saw two familiar faces that her heart stopped. She recognized Sirius's parents' faces from press photos and shook their hands carefully, forced to introduce herself when they did so for themselves. Sirius father was considerably older than his wife and extremely handsome. He looked quite a bit like Sirius and Regulus. His mother was tall and thin, her face almost gaunt when set off by the stark white of her dress, offset by her black hair and hollow, shadowed cheeks. They raised their eyebrows at her name but said nothing, snatching their hands away.

"We had hoped to see James, but we really must be going," Mr. Black said, not speaking a word about his son. Lily shook their hands again and watched them leave through the front door. She was shivering just thinking of the contemptuous way they had looked at her.

They had to know she was dating Vince, and they had to disapprove. She looked towards the dark stairs leading to top floor and wished the boys would come down.

They appeared twenty minutes later, James's face stony and Sirius's angry. Peter didn't look at her as he came down and Remus, dear Remus, was utterly bewildered. Remus took James to the kitchen so he could accept the sympathies of his parents' friends. She heard James's quiet voice mingling with all the others, and she sighed.

"I haven't told him about the you-know-what," Sirius said quietly. Lily looked at Peter, then remembered that Sirius had told him and Remus about the ring.

"Why not?"

"He would flip out," Peter put in. "He would go on a crusade for innocence. Just let Sirius handle this, Lily."

Lily stared at him. "Have I done-"

Sirius took her arm and steered her away from Peter, towards the door. "He doesn't like you Lily. He's a little protective of James-rather dazzled by him, too. Look, in half an hour we'll go into London through the Floo. James needs to get out of this house. We all need to."

Lily nodded. "Alright," she said grudgingly. "Fine."

Sirius kissed her on the cheek, shocking her with his friendliness. He smiled at her, a kind, platonic smile, starting to turn away. "And Lily," he added, "thanks."

Lily saw Peter watching her sullenly, but she stared at Sirius's retreating back with barely concealed happiness.

This was how it felt to be trusted by Sirius Black with James's heart.

……

The streets of London were loud and noisy, especially since the lunch hour was just ending. People who were too busy to look up hurried past on their mobile phones, women and men in business suits huddled in their fur coats and hailed cabs. The reflection of sunlight on snow was blinding in comparison to the darkness of the Leaky Cauldron. Lily squinted and looked around.

"Didn't you have to go somewhere?" James asked her quietly, his side pressed against hers.

Lily turned her head to look at him. "Mmm," she said, unwilling to leave them all. Sensing the change in the air, the other boys looked away, and James leaned down to kiss her. His hands framed her face and he pulled away, looking at her within the little world of their own.

"Where?" he whispered.

Lily shut her eyes and let her head drop forward on his chest, drained. His hands settled low on her hips. "I need to find a telephone," she muttered.

"There's probably one on the street somewhere," James answered, pulling away and stepping back. Lily offered him a smile; the old James was showing through-he was conscious of his friends' presence.

"I'll just go find one," Lily told him. "Will you all wait here?"

There were words of assent and Lily turned and hurried down the sidewalk, looking for a payphone. She found a phone booth and the corner and felt in the pocket of her coat for a little change. She dropped the coin in and dialed her house number. The answering machine picked up, so she tried her mother's mobile phone. Her mother picked up on the second ring with harried sounding "Hello?"

"Mum?"

Lily could hear her mother's surprise over the line. There was a loud sound, as if she had dropped something. "Lily? What-where are you?"

Lily hesitated briefly before giving her answer. "Where are you?" she asked instead, so she wouldn't force her mother to come get her. She held the phone tightly, hoping to hear her mother's voice again.

"I'm in London. I've just seen Shirley and now I'm doing some errands. Lily, are you in…trouble?"

There was a burst of static and then the line cleared. Lily sighed at her mother's familiar question. "I'm fine, Mum. Could you pick me up?"

There was an exasperated, lovely sound. "Yes, Lily, but where are you?"

"Oh, right. You know where the Leaky Cauldron is? Where you drop me off for my school supplies?" Lily prayed her mother would know where to find it. She had grown up in Kent and had little experience with London, aside from trips and such. She did not know her way around.

"Yes, I'm just close by. I've got the car with me. Is it too cold to wait outside?"

"I'll be fine, Mum," Lily said quietly, then said goodbye and hung up the phone. She left the booth, pushing past a man who raised a camera and snapped her picture. Lily blinked, feeling uneasy that some pervert was going to have her picture, but the slightly familiar-looking man was gone. She was sure she had seen him before.

Lily shrugged and went back to where the boys were waiting, pushing past people who all seemed to be going the opposite way from her. They were waiting in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius was sitting on a bench with Peter, Remus was leaning against and lamp post, and James was leaning against the trash can.

"Sorry I took so long," Lily said, stopping by the bench. "I'm…well, I'm getting picked up in a few minutes."

Sirius waggled his eyebrows at her. "Did you hear that, Wormtail?" he asked lightly. "Lily's getting picked up."

"Picked up?" Peter asked incredulously. "Picked up by who?"

"Someone handsome, I'd say," Remus joined in, giving Lily a small smile. He looked at her lazily, his eyes dark. Lily remembered how he had acted the night of the New Year's party, and how Sirius had said Remus got strange about once a month or so. Did Remus's attitude now mean that the full moon was coming up?

"Devilishly so," James added quietly, and some of the tension released itself. James could have either gotten angry or played along.

"Much handsomer than you," Sirius agreed. Peter let loose a high-pitched laugh.

James scoffed. "As if that's possible."

"Not for Lily, it isn't," Sirius said, "unless, of course, it's me."

"Wrong, Padfoot, wrong!" Remus said. "She'd much rather have a werewolf like me!"

There was a startled silence. Sirius was white and Peter's eyes were wide, but both Remus and James looked at her evenly.

"So you know, then," James said, his voice flat.

"I…yes," Lily said. "I went looking for you and I saw a…book."

"Oh," James answered. "The full moon's Monday night."

"Really?" Lily replied hastily. "That's…well, it's…"

"Nice?" Remus finished dryly, raising an eyebrow at her, looking amused.

"Very nice! I mean-no! Not nice, just…well, that's that, isn't it?"

"But-" James began, looking between Remus, Sirius, Lily, and Peter.

"So you know I'm a werewolf," Remus cut in loudly, and several people passing by gave him shocked looks and wide berths, thinking he was mad. "That's it. That's all you need to know."

Sirius exhaled loudly, sounding relieved, while James tried and failed to hide his surprise. "What?" Lily asked. "What else is there to know?"

The boys looked at each other and looked ready to lie to her, but just then Lily saw her mother's car pull up out of the corner of her eye. Lily's mouth went dry as her mother raised an eyebrow at the sight of Lily with four boys. "That's my ride," she said quickly. "I've got to go."

"Is that your mum?" Remus asked.

"Yes," Lily answered, holding up a finger for her mother. Mrs. Evans nodded and looked straight ahead, a bemused smile on her lips. Lily saw the window go down so her mother could hear what was said.

"I didn't know Lily the Ice Princess had a mother. I thought you sprung up from the ice in the lake, or something," Sirius said.

"Shut up, Black," Lily said, wanting to leave and get in the car, but at the same time wanting to stay.

"We'll be in the pub tomorrow and stop at the house quickly and then leave," Remus told her decisively. "Say…noon?"

"That's fine," Lily said. There was a beat of silence, and the Remus pushed himself away from his lamp post.

"Well then," he said pointedly. "Padfoot, Wormtail, what do you lads say to another drink?"

"Aye aye, captain," Peter said, jumping up, a silent Sirius in tow. They went into the pub and James approached her. Lily looked to see whether her mother was looking. She wasn't.

"So that's your mum," James said quietly.

"Yes," Lily replied, looking up at him. She loved having him a good four or five inches taller than her.

"What's her name?"

She gave him a strange look, but decided to humor him. "Samantha. Sam. Whatever."

"She looks nice."

"She can scream like a banshee," Lily told him lightly.

James pushed her hair off her face. "They've got a gift for that, yeah?"

She did not answer his rhetorical question. "What do you want, James?" she asked instead, really meaning the question. More than anything the world, what did James want?

He looked over her head for a moment, staring into space. Then he lowered his eyes to hers. He opened his mouth, then shut it. "Another time," he whispered, and then pulled her close for a tight hug.

Lily squeezed her arms around him in a vice like grip and breathed in the scent of his clothing. Then he let her go and propelled her towards her mother's waiting car, his goodbye dropping into her ear as it happened. Lily opened the door and got in, then jumped when she realized her mother had been watching their exchange. She looked back at the sidewalk, but James was gone.

"Who," Lily's mother asked, "was that?"

Lily was about to buckle her seatbelt, but she stopped and leaned over to hug her mother tightly. She breathed in the scent of her clothing now, pushing James's away to be examined later. Her mother always smelled like cloves. It was the only scent Lily had ever associated with her mother. She pulled away and buckled her seat belt. "He's not as lucky as I am, that's for sure."

Samantha Evans shot Lily a puzzled look as she merged into the traffic. They inched down the street. "Really? How so?"

"I've got you, haven't I?" Lily asked gruffly, and Samantha sucked in a sympathetic breath between her teeth.

"Why aren't you in school, love?" she asked next, keeping her eyes on the traffic.

Lily did not answer.

"Lily-that boy-are you in trouble?"

The question gave Lily pause and almost made her laugh. She tore her gaze from the shops along the side of the road. "Mum-I'm not pregnant, if that's what you mean."

Her mother let out a relieved breath and her grip on the steering wheel loosened. "Well then-didn't you say your boyfriend had blond hair?"

"That wasn't my boyfriend," Lily answered tartly.

Her mother swiveled her head to look at Lily, her gaze incredulous. "Pardon?"

"James-his name is James, Mum-he's not my boyfriend."

"But you're in London with him. And you're letting him touch you. And you're hugging him and asking what he wants?"

"Yes," Lily replied brightly, then shrank under her mother's glower.

"That's irresponsible, Lily. And it's inexcusable. The daughter I raised would never pass up her boyfriend for another boy." Samantha bit her lip. "This is ridiculous, Lily. Now what are you doing in London, why aren't you at school, and for Heaven's sake, why are you not with your boyfriend?"

"Mum," Lily said in a small voice.

"Yes?"

"Can we wait until we get home?"

"Fine."

"And Mum?"

"What is it, Lily?"

"I…love you."

……

Okay, we're back where we started. Chapter 28 will come…soon…it'll probably be long, all the rest of the chapters will probably be long. This one is 30 MS word pages long. There's just chapters 28, 29, and 30 left. Okay. Well. Tell me what you think…this chapter is so important, and I hope some of you picked up on the library scene…

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