A/N: The uncut scene is in my livejournal…it's not the whole chapter-just the scene that was cut out
Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 15: Of Revelations and
Resolutions
Date Begun: Thursday, July 15, 2004
Date
Finished: Saturday, August 21, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26,
2005
"I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams"
Konstantine, Something Corporate
……
Lily woke the next morning when something distinctly warm and furry pressed against her face. She shied away from the tickling and cracked one eye open, staring into the soft dark eyes of Hedwig, the Jarvey she had gotten for James. The Jarvey blinked slowly; its eyes were disturbingly human in appearance. Lily scratched it on the top of its head, as she had done to her cat ages ago.
"Hello," she said uncertainly, her voice scratchy from sleep. Her hair fell in her face and she tossed it back. "How are you?" She paused and cocked her head to the side, realizing that she had just asked an animal-a mute animal, how it was faring. She shook her head at herself and pulled the compliant Jarvey closer, hugging it to her warmth.
"Hedwig! Are you incapable of staying-there you are. You think you could stay put for just one moment out of the whole day?" James appeared in her doorway.
Lily blinked owlishly at James, perturbed. It was much too early for him to be so energetic. "What time is it?"
"Noon," he said cheerily, gently taking Hedwig from Lily and settling her in the crook of his arm. "About time you got up."
She glared. "You could have woken me."
"Nah. You looked too peaceful."
Again, she blinked in surprise-he had come in and looked at her? (No-that is not sweet, she told herself)-but he was already turning away. How surprising that he had avoided waking her, when normally he would annoy her as much as he possibly could.
Not sweet-not sweet at all…he told me not to FALL for him, and here I am, thinking he's sweet.
She scrambled out of bed and into the shower, letting the water slowly bring her to full awareness. She quickly toweled off and dressed warmly, then left her room to look for other forms of life. She found Sirius lounging in the kitchen with Mr. Potter, joking and twirling a dripping quill in his hands, while James scowled in the corner, doing dishes. James looked up and frowned at her. "You got an owl," he said, motioning to the table, where a folded piece of parchment sat, sealed. Lily picked it up after bidding Sirius and Mr. Potter good morning and broke the seal, which she recognized as Vince's.
I'm picking you up from your house for the Potters' party at six on the 31st. Make sure you're ready. Tell whoever was going to take you that you won't need their escort.
V
Lily seethed, snatching the quill from Sirius and scratching a response onto the parchment.
Don't bother, Vince. I'm coming with Rebecca. You can come pick me up if you want-but she's coming too. Come later than six, because I won't be ready by then.
Li
She would have written her entire name, but the quill ran out of ink on the second l. She folded the parchment and saw Vince's owl waiting on the windowsill. She tied to the letter to his talon and opened the window for him, sending him off without touching him. Vince's owl had always given her chills.
There was silence, and then Sirius said, "I was going to use that quill."
Lily apologized, and turned from the windowsill, sighing. That would have been the perfect chance to break up with Vince…but God forbid he went to her house to talk to her and found it empty-imagine if her parents were there! He would positively kill her, and then James, as well.
Lily looked over to where Mr. Potter sat, looking as exhausted as his wife had yesterday.
"What'd Malfoy want?" James asked casually from where he was drying off the last of the spoons with a dishrag, startling her out of her reverie. Lily glanced at him, positive he knew what she was thinking.
Lily did not get a chance to answer because at the sound of Vince's name, Mr. Potter dropped his cup of tea on the tile floor and all over his robes. Sirius was glaring at James and James's gaze flickered to Lily before he set his spoon and dishrag down.
"Er…" Lily began. "I…how'd you know it was from him?"
"I recognized his owl," James said quietly, as his father cleaned up his robes with his wand.
Lily nodded, glancing out the window, but the owl was out of sight. "Um…"
It seemed as if she should give an explanation.
"James. Hallway. Now."
James sighed and followed his father out into the hallway, exchanging a look with Sirius as the door shut.
"So," Sirius said jovially, catching Lily's attention. "I was wondering-do you want to go over to the next town and see a play? In Lowood they occasionally have a show in the theatre at night. All three of us can go."
Lily hesitated, then nodded, pulling out a chair across from Sirius and sitting down. "B-Sirius," she began.
His eyes darted around quickly, as if he was being chased, and then he locked his dark gaze on hers. It was a mark of how serious he was that he did not comment on her use of his given name. "Yes?"
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
Lily gave him an irritated look and he sighed.
"Okay-it's like this. The Potters-Bee and Clark-they work in a section of the Ministry-and their job at the moment is to keep track of the Malfoys. You've heard of Grindelwald, obviously?"
Lily nodded.
"During that war, William Potter killed your boyfriend's grandfather. And the Malfoys aren't too pleased about the current Potters butting into their affairs. That's why they've got so many protection wards. When they first got the job someone broke into this house and he bolted when they caught him but he was in James's room-and he was only a year old."
Lily bit her lip, riveted. How horrible would it be if Vince Malfoy found out I broke up with him for James Potter…how would that affect this feud? Suddenly James's motivations for asking her not to fall for him were clearer. How incredibly dangerous that would be…
Alright, James, Lily said to herself…you want to play it safe? Fine.
"So they're paranoid-and you can't tell anyone you're dating Malfoy or that you've got any connections with him. Just go along with whatever James tells you-"
The door to the kitchen opened.
"-so I suppose we can just go to the play. It'll be fun." Sirius changed tacks so quickly Lily blinked several times before she caught on.
"Yes," Lily said. "Real fun. James? You want to go to a play tonight?"
James stared at her for a moment, then looked at Sirius. He sighed. "Fine. Dad left for work just now."
Lily somehow knew that she must not mention what Sirius had told her. She nodded absently and stared over Sirius's shoulder at the slight discoloration on the kitchen wall.
"Do you want to go see downstairs?" James asked suddenly. He did not wait for an answer but began to walk out of the kitchen, leaving Lily and Sirius to follow. At the end of the corridor he opened a door and Lily checked, almost falling forward when Sirius bumped into her from behind. It was pitch black and all she could see was a white ledge-and then nothing.
"Come on," James said impatiently, grabbing her hand and pulling her forward. He took out his wand, mumbled something, and Lily gasped when the lights came on.
"Oh...."
What they were standing on was not a ledge at all, but the landing at the top of a sweeping, pure white marble staircase which led down into a huge, circular ballroom, complete with a high, domed ceiling and a glittering chandelier. The floor of the room was inlaid with brightly colored designs, with a sun in the middle, just under the tip of the chandelier.
"This is where the party will be. We've got to decorate."
Lily pulled her hand out of James's and tentatively took a step downwards, expecting a barrier to perhaps keep her out, to say you don't belong in this room. She squelched the overwhelming desire to run away and took another step downwards, imagining herself in this room, with the chandelier lit up and the smell of Christmas in the air, perhaps dancing with James's arms around her waist-oh, whoops, she'd forgotten, don't fall for me…
She shook herself and backed up the two steps until she was next to James. "It's beautiful. We should go." Her voice was stiff and he looked at her disbelievingly, his face only centimeters from hers.
"Where?" he asked stupidly.
Lily shrugged. "Oh, I don't know," she said flippantly, pulling back. "Anywhere."
She turned and walked back into the corridor, leaving the two boys to follow and feeling incredibly frustrated with herself. She had to stop this stupid feeling that made her want to grab James and kiss him every moment of the day.
Why, oh why couldn't she just shag James and not want him aside from that?
……
Lily sighed and glanced sideways at James, who was staring at the stage, apparently watching the Wizard of Oz. When she had found out what was playing, she had wanted to skip the play, but she reckoned there was nowhere else for her to go. Now she sat in between James and Sirius in the richly decorated theatre, wishing she could go out and get some air to escape the boredom of the play. Twice already her hand had touched James's and they had both pulled away like startled rabbits. Three times he had leaned in to properly kiss her, she was sure, but then had sat back in his seat. The tension was palpable and she could not take much more of it.
"Excuse me," she finally said, standing, and James looked up at her. She stepped over his legs, her face too close to his for comfort, and walked up the aisle to the lobby. She felt his eyes on her back as she left and a slow smile stole over her face as she realized what was about to happen.
She lingered at the outer doors and when the theatre doors opened she stepped outside into the chilly December air. She crossed the street slowly. It was snowing lightly and she tried to act nonchalant when she heard him step out after her. She turned, assuming she would make small talk for a while, but he pulled her over to a bench near the curb and sat her down, dropping down next to her and immediately kissing her. The fingers of one hand worked nimbly on the long row of tiny buttons that ran down the front of her shirt while the other hand slid under her skirt and skimmed across the sensitive skin of her inner thighs.
"Mmm," she said, realizing that anyone walking by could see. "James-"
He stopped her words with a kiss, slipping one hand into her shirt. He fumbled around the back for the bra's clasp and cursed her thoroughly-into her mouth-when he realized it was in the front. He undid it with a snap and circled one nipple with his calloused thumb. Her sharp intake of breath cut through the air between them, making him stop kissing her and rest his forehead against her shoulder, groaning.
"Well, hey there!"
Lily jumped two feet into the air and clung to James. His head came up from her shoulder and he looked at Sirius, who was walking over, while Lily avoided the boy's eyes, sure her cheeks were bright red but thankful he could not see it with the lack of light. James tried to pull away but she made a frightened sound and pulled him back.
"Don't move," she said quietly.
"Why?" he asked.
Her fingers were trembling so badly from the embarrassment of being caught by Sirius Black on a bench, making out with his best friend and then some. James noticed and grabbed her hands, smiling slightly. "He won't care-"
"Don't move," she said, trying to pull her hands out of his so she could button her shirt.
"Oh, shit," James exclaimed, trying to put the straps of her bra back on her shoulders and clasping it with little effort. He began to close the bottom buttons of her shirt while she worked on the top and their hands met in the middle just as Sirius reached them. They turned to face him.
"I realized you weren't in the theatre and I came to check on you."
"We're not two years old," Lily snapped.
"If there was a pair of two-year-olds shagging on a bench, I'm sure people would have something to say," Black said mildly, and Lily opened her mouth in outrage. James's cool comment cut her off.
"We weren't shagging yet. You'd get off on it if we were."
Sirius's eyes flew to James and Lily looked at him too. It was too dark to see much, but from the feeble light of the streetlamp she could see that his dark eyes were cold and his hands were clenched into fists. She worked her fingers into his and squeezed tightly.
"Maybe I would-before you go find a more private place, you might want to button your shirt properly."
Lily looked down and realized both she and James had buttoned her shirt crookedly at least once. Coupled with their disheveled hair and red lips, it would leave no doubt in anyone's mind as to what, exactly, their activity had been.
Sirius was gone when she looked up and she stood, tugging on James's hand.
His eyes met hers and she felt cold just looking at the blankness there, but decided to let it go. She simply pulled him up and walked him across the street and back into the theatre, where Sirius was nowhere to be seen. She looked around and her eyes fell on a door. She grinned.
Ten minutes later they were in the men's loo, furiously kissing against one of the stall doors. It creaked ominously and Lily pushed away from it.
"Knowing our luck," she said heavily in his ear, "we're going to fall through it and into one of the toilets."
He did not respond but he grinned rakishly, lifting her up and sitting her on the counter of sinks so her back was against the somewhat dirty mirror. Her shirt was open halfway and Lily undid the rest of the buttons hurriedly, her fingers finally able to work. Their eyes locked and she stopped breathing as his fingers drew slow circles on her knee. He pressed a light kiss to the side of her neck and then slid his fingers over her pulse point, galvanizing her into action. She took off her shirt all the way and then her bra, wishing she had her wand so she could perform some sort of spell on the door, illegal or not. No matter-no one would walk into the dirty bathroom of the theatre.
Somehow, one of his hands ended up fumbling under her skirt and she saw the sudden bulge in his pants when he realized she was not wearing any knickers. "Are you crazy?" he whispered in her ear before kissing it, his voice rough.
"Just good at Divination," she responded, inching forward slightly, unsure and trying to hide it. He did not waste any time teasing her but instead pushed her legs farther apart, making her skirt ride up high on her thighs but still not allowing her to see what he was doing with his hand-oh…wow…oh…
The sound of loud voices brought her back to reality and they both froze, Lily cursing furiously. She was so close….
"Intermission," James whispered. His eyes were heavy-lidded and he was clearly aroused. Lily tried to breathe deeply and calm down, the comfort of euphoria overtaking her body, but the sound of voices coming closer shocked her into awareness.
"Someone's coming!" She got off the counter, pulling her skirt down with one hand and putting on her shirt with the other. She would think about what had just happened later. She struggled into the sleeves and began buttoning it with one hand while shoving James into a stall.
"What are you doing?" he asked, trying to leave the stall.
"Hiding you!" she hissed, just as the door began to open. It was moving jerkily, as if the person trying to get in did not know how to properly push it open. Lily could only stare as an old man walked in, his steps heavy. He caught sight of her and stared, then looked at the urinals along one wall. He caught sight of James and grinned toothlessly.
"Ahhh," he said, but it sounded more like he was dying than sympathizing. He began a sluggish walk to a stall and Lily held still, as if this would help her to disappear. When he was finally in a stall and the door had locked, Lily turned to James.
He was gone and the door was swinging shut. About to follow, she realized that her shirt was again buttoned incorrectly, mid-way through. She unbuttoned all the buttons below it and began to walk to the door when she slipped on…something…and fell forward, hitting the knob for the hand-dryer. The loud, obnoxious sound filled the room as Lily desperately re-buttoned her shirt and began her walk to the door. She must have passed the automatic paper towel dispenser, because it made a loud whirring sound and spat out a line of drying material. Lily jumped back, a shriek caught in her throat.
She made it out into the hall without further incident and saw James waiting. She rushed to the other side of the hall just as a group of boys roughly their age started for the loo. They looked at her strangely and she gave them an icy glare before turning back to James. "Why didn't you wait for me?" she asked James, hitting him on the shoulder.
He shrugged. "I didn't think I had to." He did a double-take and stared at her chest. "Lily-where's your bra?"
Her hand flew to her mouth and she whirled around, heading back for the loo. The door opened before she could get there and one of the boys from earlier held up her bra, an amused grin on his face as he looked over at James.
"Is this yours?"
She took it, her arm shaking with the effort of fighting humiliation, and backed away, her cheeks flaming. She felt James grab her hand and drag her out to the lobby, pulling off his jacket and handing it to her
"He liked you," he said gruffly, after she settled it on her shoulders and fastened a few of the buttons over her chest. She placed her bra in the pocket as she tried to think of a reply.
"I'm wearing a white shirt without a bra," she said dryly.
"Still. He liked you."
Lily looked at him closely. "James….are you…" Jealous?
She hesitated. Saying that would only open a can of worms she was fervently hoping to keep closed. "…ready to go back in?"
……
"D'you think Malfoy would mind if I told him how wonderful you are to shag? Just walk up to him and say, `Hey…last night I fucked your girlfriend's brains out until I couldn't walk anymore. You don't know what you're missing.'"
"I do think he'd mind," Lily said dryly, rolling over and resting her hand on his chest. It was later that night and they were in his room, tangled up in his sheets and flushed with satisfaction, having just had the strangest conversation about pets.
"No, seriously," James said, all teasing leaving his voice. "Are you going to tell him?"
Lily paused. "What? Why the hell would I tell him?"
James shrugged. Lily leaned up on one forearm and hovered over him.
"James-you wouldn't."
"Of course I wouldn't," he said immediately. "But shouldn't you?"
"Shouldn't-tell-are you crazy? He'd kill me on the spot. Or worse-he'd kill you!"
"But…can you keep the secret?"
"Of course I can," she said. "I've kept it this long, haven't I? James-I'm not going to tell him I learned how to shag him by sleeping with you. I couldn't."
"So when this is over-you just go on and forget about everything, is that it?" he asked angrily. "You just go fuck him and I'm gone."
"You've got no claim on me," she hissed. "I don't have any reason at all to remember you once Christmas break is over. How ridiculous would that be?"
"I think we're both getting a little too attached," he said after a moment.
"You're getting attached," she fired back. "I couldn't care less. Geez-lighten up, Potter."
She added his surname to prove to both herself and him that she did not care one whit. So that's what I'll have to do, then, she thought as she got out of the bed and put on her clothes. Use his surname. Not touch him. Don't do anything unless I'm thinking about Vince. She looked over at James, who had raised one eyebrow and had his arms folded beneath his head, not the least bit conscious about his nakedness. Hadn't he asked her not to fall for him? Hadn't he? How dare he accuse her of being cold when he had asked her to be?
She wrenched open the door to the hall and immediately slammed it shut. James's father was in the hallway with a blanket and a pillow, sitting outside his bedroom door with a rather amused smile on his face. "Why is your father out there?" she asked, her voice barely controlled.
James had his arms folded beneath his head and he was looking up at the ceiling. "I don't know. My mum probably kicked him out."
Lily sat down on his bed in a huff and lay down. "I guess I'm sleeping here then."
He glanced at her. "Take off your clothes."
"If you think I'm going to sleep with you again tonight then I'm kicking you off the bed."
James rolled his eyes. "How comfortable are you going to be in that skirt and that blasted shirt?"
He was right, damn him. She took off her shirt for what had to be the hundredth time that evening and slipped out of her skirt, kicking it off so it lay near her bra on the floor. She pulled the sheet up around her body and tried not to stare at James as he watched her, his expression that of an adult indulging a child.
"You do realize this is my bed and that's my sheet you just took from me."
"Shut up."
He did, sighing and looking up at the ceiling. He turned out the lights and they lay in the darkness for a while, not speaking.
"I'm-"
"Shut up."
The door opened and Lily gasped, sure it was going to be his father checking on him. James pulled the sheet up over the two of them and Lily clutched it, covering her head as if this would help keep her from being recognized. If it was James's dad, he wouldn't think James was in bed naked with Sirius, for pity's sake!
It was Sirius; Lily heard him greet them in his brash voice. She peeked out from under the sheet.
"Black-don't you knock?"
"Don't you two ever do anything but shag? James-your mum kicked your dad into the hallway because he was fawning over her too much."
"Well fiddle-dee-dee," Lily said sarcastically. "Isn't that a shame?"
"Don't get your knickers in a twist," Sirius said good-naturedly. "Aren't you hogging the sheet a little bit?"
"Yes," James said in response.
"How many times do I have to tell you to shut up?" Lily demanded of him, turning to James, who held his hands up as if being arrested.
"Ouch," Sirius remarked. "Wonderful bedside manner right there."
"Would you leave?"
Sirius shrugged. "Sure. `Night, m'dears."
Lily made sure to lock the door behind him, taking the sheet and wrapping it around her body. She and James stared at each other for a while, perhaps apologizing through their eyes, and then they turned out the lights and tried to sleep. They did realize, at some point, that the distribution of the sheet was no longer a problem. Inevitably, a sleeping James held a sleeping Lily so tightly in his arms that they were almost like one person.
……
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