Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 19: Of Rapists and Reflection
Date Begun: Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Date
Finished: Sunday, November 21, 2004
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005
……
[Certain Tragedy, by Saves The Day]
……
Lily Evans had some serious issues.
James had decided this the moment he saw her accept a date with Vincent Malfoy, and not a moment before. Of course, he had been rather insulted when she had refused to go out with James himself, but it was understandable in retrospect. Dating Malfoy, however, was unforgivable. Strangely enough, James had forgiven her. Completely. Totally.
That is, until she left him in bed after the best sex they had had yet-on his birthday.
Now that, James knew, was unforgivable.
He should have known, really. The moment he had woken up he should have known, but instead he had lain their like a great sod in some sort of euphoric state, until he had heard Sirius curse Lily and the sound of something expensive and breakable hitting something else, probably a wall.
It was, James found out, the front door, and if he had gotten up just ten minutes earlier, he would have seen Lily before she left. Maybe he could have stopped her from leaving. Sirius had been unable to talk to James. Remus had been very closemouthed. Peter knew nothing about the real situation, and therefore had no clue what to say. For once, Peter kept his mouth shut about the shit he did not understand. James was grateful.
His parents had come upstairs as well, a side affect of having to watch their backs for just under twenty years. The crash had alerted them that something had gone wrong, and they appeared in the foyer just as James did. James instantly knew that Lily had gone, and his parents must have guessed, considering the sympathetic looks they had given him.
"You alright, mate?"
James's head shot up at the sound of Sirius's voice and he shrugged, offering a smile. "I'll get over it." It was half-past five and James had been glaring at the slowly setting sun.
"She said that too," Sirius remarked, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms. "Seems to me you could have just gotten together and not had to get over each other."
James shrugged again. He lay back on his bed and grabbed the Quaffle next to his be, throwing it up in the air and catching it as it fell. Sirius clapped his hands and held them out. James tossed the Quaffle to his friend and he caught the hard ball, his fingers closing deftly around it.
"Why didn't you ever play Quidditch?" James asked as Sirius passed the Quaffle back. "You'd make a good Chaser for the team."
Sirius made a face. "Never did do well with conformity. House Quidditch has too many rules. I'd rather play over the summer with all of you."
James nodded and they passed the Quaffle in companionable silence for a minute more before he spoke. "We were just…sleeping together. There wasn't anything else."
Sirius caught the Quaffle and held it, tilting his head to the side and raising an eyebrow so high it almost disappeared into his hairline. Damned talented eyebrows.
"There wasn't supposed to be anything there when we started," James corrected. "You remember a few days before the Hols started?…we were in the library going over the map. Malfoy came up and asked whether Lily was a good shag."
"I remember," Sirius said inscrutably, throwing the Quaffle at James. There seemed to be a little more strength behind the throw this time. James matched it.
"Lily asked me to teach her how to shag him. And I did. End of story."
"There was a little more there than just shagging," Sirius pointed out, hurling the Quaffle into James's waiting hands.
"There wasn't supposed to be." James's answer came out through gritted teeth.
"So let me get this straight," Sirius said acidly, pausing in his throw. "You just…let yourself get used."
"I wasn't used!" James shouted.
"Yes, you bloody well were. Who do you think she was thinking of when you were fucking her? Did she scream your name or his? Who do you think was on her mind when she was sucking your bloody dick?"
"She never said his name," James yelled. "And she never gave me head. Do you think I would have let her? Do you honestly think I respected her that little?"
"YES!" Sirius roared, making James glad his parents were all the way down in the Grand Room. "You let her use you to become more knowledgeable about giving Malfoy the time of his fucking life. How could you possibly respect her at all-"
"I did! A whole lot until she ditched me on my birthday!-"
"And do you honestly think that she's never going to have to give Malfoy a little head? Like he'd settle for plain sex-"
Despite the fact that James was pissed off as hell at Lily, he felt a stab of worry and hoped that she would be able to wing it. Oral sex was something they had never touched upon for him-only for her.
"I was the one using her," James said, his voice suddenly very flat. "I've wanted her for ages. Was I supposed to resist a blatant offer for all the sex I wanted?"
"You know she loves you. Likes you. Whatever. It's close enough to love-"
"She knows how I feel about her. Felt, I mean. I don't really want to look at her right now." James felt sick.
"So she still just-up and went. Even though she knew you wanted a-a relationship with her. Can you even call what the two of you would have a relationship? You'd both be more in it for the sex than anything else. You had a pretty good arrangement, didn't you?"
James nodded, swallowing hard. He wished Sirius would just shut up.
"Too bad you never got some head from her-"
"Get out," James bellowed, and Sirius bowed, a mocking grin on his face.
"This time, Prongs, you were in the wrong too. Not just her."
With that, Sirius flung the Quaffle at James and it hit him in the stomach, knocking the breath from his body. His best friend slammed the door on his way out, and James swore loudly at his back.
……
After he had sulked for the better part of an hour, James began to get ready for the bloody New Year's party. He took a shower and told himself not to think of Lily, got dressed and told himself not to think of Lily, combed his hair and told himself not to think of Lily, brushed his teeth and told himself not to think of Lily, glanced at the clock (it was almost six-thirty) and told himself not to think-
Oh, what was the bloody use?
He scowled when he heard the knock on his door and yanked it open, cravat in one hand. His mother stood there, splendid in a formal, long blue dress. She stepped into his room and took the cravat, fastening it properly around his neck.
"Lily left?" she asked softly.
James scowled even more and shrugged.
"Did you two fight?"
James was about to shake his head, but instead he nodded. It was much simpler to explain it that way.
"Is she still going to come tonight?"
James shook his head. Of course she wouldn't come. This way Malfoy never had to know anything about anything.
Sabia nodded and quite suddenly hugged James. "I love you, James. No matter what insensitive thing you've done this time."
James nodded in return and wished he was shorter so he could hide his face against her shoulder. His mother pulled away and kissed him on the cheek, placing her hand there to wipe away the mark her lipstick had left. "James," she whispered, suddenly tearful. "You…I do love you. Very much."
"I love you too, Mum," James answered hoarsely.
"Happy birthday. I know we haven't always…been here when you wanted us to be-"
"No, Mum-"
"-but we're here. You're all…grown up, aren't you? I can't stop you from doing what you want…."
James hugged his mother tightly and she shook her head. "I know you slept with Lily when I told you not to, James, and I don't condone it, but I do understand-"
"Mum, I didn't mean to…well, I did, of course, but it's okay now. I won't anymore. She's not worth it. If she wants to just-just leave, then that's her problem. It's not mine. I don't have to deal with it."
His mother stepped away and looked at him pityingly. "Oh, James. You poor boy. You don't know anything."
……
"I'm Irish as well," Rebecca said.
"Are you?" Lily asked, surprised. "I never understood why half the people from Ireland were black-haired and blue-eyed and the rest redheads. Never."
"Well, people from Ireland are naturally black-haired and blue-eyed, like Germans are blond-haired with blue eyes. But when the Vikings invaded Ireland they raped the women-and then the redheads were born."
Lily paused. "Great. Wonderful to know I'm descended from a line of rapists."
Rebecca laughed, shaking her curler-covered head. "That is good to know. And I'm not!"
Lily made a face at the other girl and continued to apply makeup to her white skin. Rebecca held still as Lily swept eyeliner across her upper eyelids. She opened her eyes and Lily stepped back, smiling and capping the eyeliner pen.
Rebecca had arrived just an hour earlier and they were now getting ready. They had almost an hour and a half until Vince came to pick them up, and they were hardly ready. Their dresses lay on Lily's bed and make-up was scattered on the vanity along with an array of hair supplies.
Rebecca was not a very pretty girl. Her nose was a little too wide and she needed makeup to look her best. Her eyes were beautiful-big and blue, and her hair was dark and shiny and very straight, but they were curling it for the party. Her waist was a little too big, but her cheekbones were nothing to sneeze at. Lily frowned and handed Rebecca some lipstick to try on.
"You were at James Potter's house, weren't you?" Rebecca suddenly asked, causing Lily to drop the lip balm she had been holding.
"Er…"
"I knew it. Did you get my gift?"
Lily nodded, speechless. Rebecca glanced at her in the mirror, and eyebrow raised. "What did you make of it?"
Lily shrugged. "I had no clue what it was. What is it?"
Rebecca laughed. "Lily…I'm not the most…normal girl in the world, am I? I know things. I see things. Not like Trelawney, that Hufflepuff who graduated when we were in First Year. I'm not…very strong yet. But you know, I do things without realizing it sometimes, and those things come in handy. Keep that box close. I have no clue why I got it made but I did and it cost quite a bit, so it's important."
Lily nodded silently. She glanced over at her trunk, where she had packed away the heavy box against her return to Hogwarts. She slowly began to take the curlers out of Rebecca's hair, suddenly solemn. What could possibly be in her future that it was necessary to have protection from Rebecca Rookwood and a mysterious silver box with Latin engraved on the top?
……
She liked to think she was cold.
James stared off into space as he waited for the first guests to arrive, thinking about (what a shock) Lily.
It was something he had often noticed. She tried to be as walled off and icy as possible-as incredibly Slytherin-like as possible. Unfortunately for her, it did not work. He had seen her before she had begun dating Malfoy, and he knew how explosive she could be. She had-passion. Fire. Warmth-whatever it should be called.
It was sickening to think of that wasted on Malfoy.
James groaned, disgusted at the thought of Vincent Malfoy's white, bony hands on Lily's body. He turned his face to the side and Remus tapped him on the shoulder. "Buck up, mate. Is she going to…never mind."
"Do you think she's coming now?" James asked acidly. "I don't think so."
"I do think she's coming now. Didn't you say that Malfoy invited her? It would look strange if she backed out on that. She's going to be here, Prongs."
James felt even sicker.
……
"Well, Rebecca. I do think you look brilliant."
Rebecca blushed all the way up her razor sharp cheekbones. Lily sighed enviously. While the other girl was not necessarily pretty, she had an undeniable and unconventional charm. Lily was thinking how she would be perfect for Sirius but then dismissed the idea. Black was prat. He did not deserve Rebeccca.
And, for that matter, neither did Remus. Aside from that, Rebecca was interested in the Keeper of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, so she really did not need Lily's matchmaking schemes in her life. Lily was sure she could get whatever bloke she wanted if she batted those dark lashes over those big blue eyes and shook out her straight black hair. Her mouth was rather thin, but the overall effect was startling. Her face was striking-just not beautiful.
"Are you sure purple is a good color for me? I was thinking-"
"Purple's great," Lily interrupted. "You look stunning."
Rebecca smile gently and stepped to the side, motioning for Lily to sit down in the chair. Lily shook her head and backed away, pulling her dress over her head. "Oh-no. That's fine. I'm just going to put on the dress and go. I don't really care all that much." Her words were muffled by the fabric.
Rebecca stared at her as if she was absolutely barmy. "Are you sure? I mean-won't Vince Malfoy be a little angry?"
Lily's heart sank. She was not up for a makeover, but she could not go looking like a mess. Vince would kill her. His parents were probably going to be there, as well as his brother and many other important people. She had to make a good impression.
"I…"
"Sit," Rebecca said quietly. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"Oh-no!" Lily hastened to assure Rebecca everything was fine. "It's okay. You're completely right. Vince would murder me. I've never met his parents before."
Rebecca laughed shortly. "It's a pleasure. And you're-" she gestured around the house, "-Muggleborn." She winced and shook her head. "Is he insane? Are you? His father is…he's terrible. He'll tear you to pieces."
Lily paused as she met Rebecca's bright eyes in the mirror. They were-not fearful-but worried. Anxious. Lily decided to let this one go, as Rebecca did not look willing to talk about it.
Despite herself, Lily could not resist probing. "Have you met them before? His family?"
Rebecca sighed and began separating Lily's hair into little sections. "Yes. I met his parents once. And Lucius…more than once." Rebecca bit her lip. "And once was more than enough for his parents." She met Lily's eyes over her deftly moving fingers and quickly looked away. "Lucius is obviously the favored son because Vince….he's not…."
"He's not a Malfoy. Not a true one."
Rebecca raised and eyebrow. "See, that's what everyone thinks. Everyone seems to forget that both his parents are Malfoys, so he is half-Malfoy."
"Both his-but that-"
"First cousins," Rebecca said grimly. "It was rather shocking at the time. My mother told me. I was going to say that's he's not his father's son. Which-I hope you realize, gives Vince Malfoy purer blood than his father or his brother. Antonin Dolohov-his mother's lover. His family's got blood as pure as gold. And Vince's mother is from the Malfoy side of the family that's got no Muggle blood it at all. Vince's father's line, however-there were a few half-bloods in there. Even a few Muggle-borns. And very far back-briefly-an actual Muggle."
Lily considered this as Rebecca began to curl her hair into tight ringlets. "So…his father will be more open to me? Because his blood's not so pure?"
Rebecca shook her head vigorously. "Merlin, no! He'll freeze you out. He forgets he's got Muggle-blood in him. His wife is….very strange. Very cold. And Lucius-he's the scariest man I've ever met. He…knows that I know things. He asked me to help him once and he tried to…make advances while we were…in Vince's presence." Rebecca made a face and released Lily's hair from the curling iron. "I ran."
"But you didn't tell anyone?" Lily asked.
Rebecca shrugged. "They're a very influential family. And…it's easier not to refuse Lucius. Not only is he very handsome-he's so confident and persuasive. And he…he's strong."
Rebecca's cheeks were bright red as she bent her head and Lily stared at her in the mirror, her eyes wide and her mouth poised on the question.
"I, too, have some Muggleborn-blood in me," Rebecca said proudly. "Narcissa Black…they're to be married soon. She and Lucius. I've learned that Lucius is…very fickle, if not very pleasing."
Lily cleared her throat and smiled at Rebecca's reflection. "So…."
"Be careful, Lily," Rebecca suddenly said, her voice a thin whisper. She continued to methodically curl Lily's hair. Lily sensed that she was not done speaking yet. "Vince isn't good for you. But if you leave him now…something will happen to James."
Lily started at the sound of his name, almost getting burned by the curling iron. "And Vince's parents won't want you near them. Avoid them. At all costs." Rebecca blinked, the moment passed, and they began to chatter about nonsense again, the air heavier than it had been before. Rebecca finished with Lily's hair and applied makeup to her flinching face.
"The good thing about wearing black is that you can wear any makeup you want with it." Rebecca smiled. Lily raised an eyebrow at her and looked at the gold-stained eye brush in her hand.
"Gold? Isn't that a little…tawdry?"
Rebecca shook her head. "Of course not. Now say `ahhh'."
Lily did. Rebecca carefully and meticulously applied vibrant red lipstick to Lily's mouth and instructed her to even it out by rubbing her lips together. Lily looked at her face in the mirror and smiled slightly, touching her chin just below her lips. "This'll stop him dead in his tracks," she murmured.
One thought stuck in her mind. Was she talking about Vince…or James?
……
At precisely ten of seven, Vince knocked on the door and Lily opened it, stepping back to allow him to get a good look at her. Regardless of whom she had been thinking of earlier, Vince froze and gave her a once-over. "You look…you…you look just like a witch."
Lily smiled, catlike, and leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, making sure her lipstick did not smudge. "I am a witch, Vince," she whispered hotly in his ear.
He nodded and pulled away to turn to Rebecca, his crisply cut slate-gray robes with black trimming swirling about his feet. He bowed gallantly to her and she raised an eyebrow. "Hello, Vincent," she said stiffly, looking past him at the wall. It was Lily's turn to raise an eyebrow.
"How are you, Rebecca?" he asked cordially. "Have you seen my brother lately?"
"I haven't seen your brother in a while," Rebecca said smoothly. "Thankfully," she added. "I'm not that keen to talk to him again." She shrugged. "I don't mean to be rude."
"I understand what you mean. My brother is…very bitter at the moment. Narcissa Black was not his first choice, although I'm sure you already know that."
"I had no idea," Rebecca said breezily, snatching her clock from his hanger. "Are we leaving? Or are we going to be more than six minutes late? We all know that's unacceptable."
Vince pulled a small, velvet box out of his pocket and held it out. Lily told him to wait and bounded upstairs and opened the box Rebecca had given her, where she had put all of her jewelry that she had received on Christmas. She took out both the bracelet James's parents had given her and the pendant from Vince, searching for a gold chain. That difference in gold and silver from the engraving and the chain was hardly noticeable at all. Lily fastened the clasp and raced downstairs, where Rebecca was standing placidly and Vince was waiting impatiently, his foot tapping. Lily and Rebecca put their fingers on the box and Vince tapped it with his wand.
Lily felt a violent jerk behind her navel and felt wind rushing around her. She squeezed her eyes shut until her feet slammed painfully into the ground and her knees shook. She fought to keep her balance and then looked around, taking in the familiar front yard of the Potters' house.
……
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