Unofficial Portkey Archive

A/N: The last. Last chapter. Evvvvvver. It's…I loved writing it. This is my favorite. This ending scene has been in my mind forever, but I couldn't bring myself to ever write a first draft because I didn't want to ruin it or anything. I can only say how much I love this chapter and I hope you love it too.

Just something I think several people will wonder about. The ending is…rather open. It's not happy. This story is ending in the middle of their seventh year. Lily and James still have a great deal of healing to do before they can really make it through every single little thing. They will-this chapter makes it evident, but there's not much sugar and fluff. It's just…what it is. Not sad, not happy. Pretty bittersweet

Eh…have fun. Because Harry Potter 6 comes out at 12:01 a.m. on Saturday the sixteenth…that's less than four hours from right this second.

EEEEK!

Thank you. Thank you so much. It's been a crazy, hectic ride. I'm glad it's done. But thank you beyond all belief possible

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 30: Of Lily and James
Date Begun: Thursday, June 30, 2005
Date Finished: Friday, July 15, 2005
Date Posted: Friday, July 15, 2005

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[Thank You, by Dido]

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"...furthermore, the Wizengamot hereby declares one Clark William Potter, presently called that "defendant", exonerated of the charges of murder by the officially declared Unforgivable Curse Avada Kedavra, and under clause 958c in the esteemed Wizengamot Code is thus freed of any obligation to the place of Azkaban on behalf of one Sabia Caragh Brennan Potter, the defendant's deceased wife…"

Lily stroked James's arm through the thick sleeve of his winter cloak. It was so cold in this dungeon of a courtroom that she could see her breaths on the air as frosty puffs of smoke. Something had gone wrong with the customary warming charms that James had told her were supposed to be in place. Lily sneaked a look at James and saw that he was staring emotionlessly down at the center of the room, where Clark stood before the herald and was freed from his accusations.

James laced his fingers through her and looked over at her and ran his thumb along the side of her hand and along her thumb. Lily kicked him lightly and stuck her tongue out at him, drawing a smile to his red mouth. He relaxed a little in his chair and then they all had to stand as the members of the Wizengamot filed out of the room, Lily a beat behind the others. James had tugged her to her feet: unlike James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, she had never attended an occasion such as this and did no know the proper protocol.

Lily caught sight of Dumbledore standing in the front row of the gallery-rumors were afoot and many thought he would be promoted to the head of the Wizengamot. Lily couldn't think of a better person for the position. He wouldn't have allowed James's father to be put in Azkaban in the first place.

Lily was in a sort of daze as the left the dank courtroom and their small group congregated in a corner, waiting for an opening before the walked up to Clark Potter. James let go of Lily's hand and threw his arms around Clark. Lily, behind James, saw that way Clark hugged his son and squeezed his eyes shut and felt so horrible…Mr. Potter's wife was dead, his credibility had taken a hit-he had lost to the Malfoys and all he had left was James…and here was Lily, taking away that too.

Then Clark opened in his eyes. In the nanosecond of space between his eyes opening and letting James go, Clark locked his eyes on Lily's and blinked. Something in Lily snapped and relief flooded through her blood.

It was okay.

She didn't know what she had seen in James's father's eyes, but she somehow knew that everything was okay. They were all…okay. James stepped back and didn't take Lily's hand, but he did keep his side pressed up against hers. Lily turned and froze when she saw Vince Malfoy and Augustus Rookwood walking down the echoing corridor towards them. Two Aurors walked behind them, their blank faces alert and suspicious. Vince's hands were tied behind his back.

Vince and Augustus stopped before them and Lily wondered what the hell was going on. Vince's trial was tomorrow, but he had just testified at Clark's and said that he had been told about Sabia's murder, that Clark had done nothing wrong. And how could Augustus be standing with Vince, the person who had murdered his twin sister?

Vince stared sullenly at Lily and James, almost as if he was a spoiled child, while Augustus smoothly extended his deepest condolences to the Potter family. He looked at Lily, James, and their friends. "I do apologize for Malfoy over here, since he refuses to do so. There's no telling what some people will do without permission, eh?" He smiled serenely at them before leading Vince and the two Aurors guarding him away.

Lily frowned. "James…" She trailed off.

"Yes?"

Something faint and vague was swimming up from the depths of Lily's mind. It was a memory-a thought…a recollection of something that had never happened. Augustus Rookwood's words had stuck a chord in Lily's memory.

That was impossible. Vince had held them captive. Vince had been the one to kill Rebecca. At least-that was what he had told Dumbledore and Lily and James and…as it was, neither Lily nor James could remember a single thing about that night of the full moon two weeks ago. When they had come to, Sirius had been standing over them, pale and shaking and bleeding from the cheek, his wand shakily aimed at Vince's bound form against a tree.

"What happened?" Lily had asked. Sirius had said he didn't know, just that he had found them. Lily had had the briefest impression of being hunted and chased and something heavy, shaggy, and wet on top of her, but then it was gone.

"Lily?"

Her head snapped up. James was still looking at her, unsure of what she wanted to ask.

"Oh…never mind…"

Lily followed the boys and Clark out onto the streets of London. She knew her mother was adamant about Lily staying home that night, reluctant to let Lily sleep at Sirius's flat, where James and Clark would be. Even with adult supervision, Samantha Evans had said in her letter, Lily couldn't stay over with all boys. Lily, who was so unused to such rules after this past Christmas, found the condition utterly restrictive and motherly. She loved it.

She hesitated at the door. She had told her mother she would be home by six in the evening-it was only eleven in the morning at the moment. She followed James, his friends, and his father, walking a little behind and feeling just the slightest bit left out. There was no other girl, no female to counteract all the testosterone Lily was surrounded by.

Sabia was dead. Rebecca was dead. Lily shivered. Was she next?

Ridiculous. There's no reason for you to die. Lily shook it off and continued to absently follow the boys, deep in thought. After another fifteen minutes of walking in the biting cold, Sirius led them into a dodgy brick building and up a set of dilapidated stairs. Paint was peeling near the ceilings on the corridors and the floor was scuffed, but the building was reasonably clean. Sirius inserted a key into a lock, turned it, and they were in his abode.

There was an unpleasant smell in the air. Lily was sure Sirius had left something perishable out before he left for school and that it had been festering for four months. She stepped gingerly inside and saw that dust covered everything, from the small table with a badly scratched leg in the tiny hallway to the moldings on the walls.

"How do you live here, Sirius?" Lily asked quietly, catching sight of clothes that must have been there since summertime. Dishes were still in the sink. "And what is that smell?"

She had raised her voice and that was the only reason Sirius hear her. Off of the tiny hallway just inside the door and was a kitchen (on the left) and a bathroom (on the right). Sirius was in the kitchen-James and Remus had continued on in the hallway to the small sitting room. Clark was nowhere to be seen. Lily hadn't been paying attention.

Sirius was staring forlornly at the stove. "Damnit," he swore. "Wish I knew how to make tea with a wand." He looked at Lily slyly.

"Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I know how to brew tea, you pig. James would know. Clark would."

Sirius grimaced. "Not in the mood to bother them."

"Brew it the Muggle way," Lily said carelessly, and then turned to go to James.

Sirius grabbed her arm. "Boil water?"

Lily looked at his hand on her arm and then pointedly back up at him. "Yes, Sirius. Boil water."

"You don't understand, Ev. The last time I tried to boil water on the stove it overflowed and it was steaming and hissing and it was on the floor and I fell-can't you do it?"

Lily looked at his face-he wasn't making a joke-he really meant it.

"Um, okay."

He smiled widely. "Thanks," he said, his voice bright. "The kettle's in that cupboard." He left her in the kitchen.

Lily followed him, feeling cheated. "Excuse me, I think I've just been had."

James's head snapped up and he looked at Sirius, then Lily. "What?"

What a reaction-oh, for pity's sake! "Not sexually, silly. You're such a boy. Sirius has tricked me into making tea Muggle-style."

James waved his wand vaguely towards the kitchen. In moments Lily heard a cupboard door open and then shut, something slamming down on a stove, and a shrill whistle that meant the kettle had boiled. Another wave, another slamming of doors, and six clinks as mugs were set down on the counter. "Tea's done," James announced.

Lily stared at him, then shook her head and went to find a tray. She started to find tea leaves to add but found that they were already in the bottom of the cups. She poured water and some cream into each mug, then put the sugar bowl on the tray along with the mugs and spoons. She carried it out and put it on the dusty coffee table. Clark had joined the boys.

"Sirius, you're such a bachelor," Lily muttered.

"I'm seventeen, Miss Prissy," he retorted. "No one else is complaining."

"I am," said Peter immediately. "It smells in here, mate."

"You've left something to rot in here, haven't you?" Remus asked curiously, sniffing the air and wincing, "Urgh…thanks. My nose can't take this."

"This is ridiculous. You can't sleep here like this. Do you have a broom, Sirius? A cleaning one."

Sirius nodded, pointing to a closet that was inconveniently placed behind a shelf that was filled not with books, but with Quidditch paraphernalia. Lily sighed, then concentrated hard on a spoon and transfigured it into a broom with a twist, flick, and circle. The handle was still as metallic as the spoon, but the bristles were strong enough to clean. Lily charmed it to sweep dust into the dustpan that was just near the closet. She pointed her wand at a quill and turned it into a featherduster which began sweeping dust from the dirty surfaces of the flat.

Lily looked up at gasped. She had been so preoccupied with the tea and insulting Sirius that she hadn't looked out the windows. They were large and out of place and rather dirty, but they offered up a sweeping view of London city. It wasn't particularly pretty, but it was striking and it would be gorgeous at night.

"They weren't that big. Mr. Potter made them bigger the only time he came before," Sirius explained, seeing where Lily's eyes were. Lily pointed her wand at the windows and uttered a spell; suddenly the panes were gleaming, free of their dust and dirt. It was so sunny outside-the light was blinding in its reflection off of the snow-lined streets. She turned away from the view of bustling people.

"Alright," she said quietly. "Sirius, you'd better thank me for this…"

She began with cleaning the bathroom, then the kitchen, enlisting magical aid when she really, really needed it. There was still a rank and distasteful odor hanging in the air; Lily was unsure where it came from, but she was looking for it diligently. She finally found the source in Sirius's bedroom: it was a plate of half eaten sausages and some greasy bread. Lily Banished it to the kitchen, hearing an exclamation as it zoomed through the living room on the way there.

She smiled grimly. Boys will be boys, she thought sarcastically.

When she had finally finished she went back into the sitting area again and took a seat. She had four hours before she had to meet her mother outside. She curled her legs up underneath her and took her still heated mug of tea, sipping it carefully before turning her ears to the conversation that was going on.

"Remember that time we changed the tea cups into chickens?" Sirius asked excitedly, looking at James. "And then they went running at your Mum and Mrs. Hastings sliced one of the heads off?"

James burst out laughing. "I couldn't eat chicken for a month," he gasped, holding his sides. "All I saw was that thing running at me without a head-"

The other boys were laughing as well, but Clark was simply staring bitterly out the window, not speaking.

"I only remember that one time when Catherine sent you lingerie and told you to meet her, and then Bee found out and walloped you for getting into trouble," said Remus to Sirius, grinning from ear to ear. "That was Mrs. Potter at her best-you couldn't sit for two days!"

Sirius flushed red. "What did you expect? The girl was bloody bangable…" He looked furtively at Clark and then at Lily, who was staring at James, who was gazing into his tea cup, silenced.

"I remember," Clark suddenly said softly, "how she forgave Kathryn Lynch and Theodore Hastings. And George…good old George…I don't know how she could've forgiven him but she did…"

The boys and Lily exchanged uncertain looks. The others looked startled, but Lily had no idea whom Mr. Potter was talking about. She would have to ask later. The thought was pushed aside when Clark put his head in his hands and moaned softly, rocking back and forth the slightest bit. Immediately James and Remus were by his side, helping his to sit up and giving him Peter's untouched mug of reheated tea. Lily got up and went over to the windows, watching James's reflection in the mirror that was on the small strip of wall near the edge of the windows' right side.

He hadn't spared a word to her since the Ministry. She knew it shouldn't bother her because he had bigger things to worry about, but it did. She pushed her hair back from her face and bit her lip, then went back to her seat and sat down in silence.

There was a steady hum of conversation all around her. Lily sat with her head on the armchair for a good ten minutes, trying to keep her heavy eyes open. Sirius said something bawdy and Lily groaned in exasperation, then suddenly found herself not in the sitting room anymore…Lily groaned again, pulling her legs in and resting her head on top of her knees. She felt like would retch until there was nothing left in her to come up. After a minute or so she tentatively raised her head and saw two people looking at her: James and Sirius.

James simply watched her. Sirius, on the other hand, had a feral look on his face. He had a scratch from his temple down to his mouth that dripped bloody onto the collar of his shirt, peeking through his robes. Lily followed his shaking wand arm out and looked in the direction it was point. A wet and bedraggled Vince was bound against a tree with thick, rope-like constraints. Lily swallowed, looking just off to the side, where Rebecca's body lay.

"Rebecca," she moaned. "No…no…"

James cleared his throat. "She…she turned on them. She pretended…or maybe she didn't. We'll never know what she was thinking…there's no way to tell."

Lily covered her eyes. Just when they were friends…

"What happened?" Lily asked Sirius.

"I don't know. I just found you like this. Terrifying, that was."

"How'd you find us?"

Sirius tightened his grip on his wand, glancing at Vince to make sure he was still unconscious. "I heard Lily calling. But then I-well, I sent Peter up to the castle for help and now Remus is running around bloody unleashed. If he smells us there'll be trouble. He heard Lily too-put up a right good fight to get to her but I got there first, jumped right on her back-"

Lily's head shot up. "That was you?" She hadn't known Sirius had fur and four legs.

But it wasn't Sirius anymore. For ten seconds and huge black dog with powerful legs and a lolling tongue stood in Sirius's place, before Sirius reappeared and shrugged. Lily wanted to ask, but she simply shut her mouth and shook her head.

"James, too," Sirius said.

"That's brilliant," Lily said flatly, still looking at Rebecca. "Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant…"

Half-formed images were swimming around her mind when she woke-she was positive she heard a male voice that was so utterly familiar and yet unfamiliar to her. Sirius shook her awake and told her it was five to six. Lily jumped up, whacking him on the arm for not waking her earlier, and then stopped moving uncertainly. Remus and Peter were talking quietly in the kitchen. Clark was staring out the windows and James was looking at Clark.

Remus and Peter came back into the sitting room. Lily said goodbye to them and Sirius, then impulsively knelt down next to Clark Potter and put her arms around him. He came out of his reverie and to Lily's own shock wrapped strong arms around her and hugged her back tightly. Lily thanked any higher power listening that the chairs were low so they were more or less on the same level. Lily tried to get up but he held her down and lightly kissed her forehead. "You're a good girl," he said, as softly as snowflakes falling in a first snow. He leaned in closer, gathering her up for another reassuring, fatherly hug. Over his shoulder, Lily saw that James looked positively envious. Clark whispered something in her ear that made her pull away, shocked, and walk over to James. She hugged him too and got a rather lukewarm response.

Just as she was walking out the door of the flat and into the corridors, she thought about what Clark had said to her, vowing to go home and hug her father as she had as a little girl.

I've always wanted a daughter to raise…you'll make a perfect daughter…"

……

She did give her father a hug when she reached home, throwing her arms around him and letting her twirl her in the air. They stumbled down, laughing-Thomas could only spin her in a half circle before her weight brought them back down again. He hadn't done that since Lily was twelve and had announced solemnly that as a grown-up, she couldn't have her father throwing her around in the air, could she?

Lily put her head down on her father's shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut. Several things hit her in quick succession. He was bigger than she remembered-with every passing year it would be harder for him to keep weight off. His clothes were worn-he looked tired, as if he hadn't been sleeping. Him and all of Lily's friends, it seemed.

"Dinner in twenty," he murmured quietly in her ear. "Go get washed up."

Lily bounded up the stairs and into her room. She shut the door and took of her robes, slinging them onto a chair. She frowned when something thumped against the leg of the chair. She picked up her robes and realized that something was weighing down the pocket. She reached in and pulled out two things-Sabia's shawl, wrapped around the box Rebecca had given her. Lily had put a shrinking spell on it and then put the two things in her pocket.

She used her wand to take off the spell, setting the box down on her desk beside the shimmering shawl and sitting in her old chair. It creaked ominously. She opened the box and pushed the lid back. The dark velvet on the inside was soft to the touch but much thinner than she thought it would be. Frowning, she closed the box again and traced her finger over the words on the front, whispering them aloud. She yelped when the bottom of the box popped out-it was a concealed compartment.

She threw open the lid of the box again, feeling the bottom. It covered wood-it was a false bottom and that was why it was so thin compared to the sides and the lid. Inside the box was a folded square of parchment. She pulled it out gingerly and unfolded it. It was covered in Rebecca's handwriting and was dated two weeks ago, the night she had died. Lily smoothed it out over the desk for just a second before she dropped her eyes to the page and began to read.

Dear Lily,

I really need to say that I am so incredibly sorry. Things weren't supposed to go like this, not at all. I've just left Remus-I told him I felt terrible, but I think he knows I'm lying. I do, but I know why, so it doesn't bother me that much. I think I need to tell you what's going on, because after tonight I'm either dead or in prison and I'll be too cowardly to tell you anything if I live through this.

Vince and I lied when we said we hardly knew each other. I know him very well-if fact, I grew up with him. That's how I met Lucius, and I did tell the truth about that. It was Lucius who found out about me, through Augustus. I think Augustus had never considered how rare my abilities were until Lucius was so interested in them, and then my wonderful twin concocted his little plan with Vince.

We met a year ago in December to work out the kinks. We weren't expecting you to go out with him and were quite unsurprised when you refused. We thought to quit, but then Augustus told Vince to go on. So yes, Vince asked you out, and unfortunately, you accepted.

It was around then that I stopped talking to them. I had hardly spent time with them before and we had decided that we would all meet in secret to continue with what we were planning. And then I just…I KNEW, Lily. I knew that I couldn't. So I skipped all out meetings and avoided them. Vince was supposed to go out with you for a little while and get your blood-then he was supposed to break up with you. Since I had stopped meeting them and they had no way to get to me, Vince and Augustus decided that he would continue to date you until he could get close enough to tell me what to do.

And then I had this box made. I had it made for no reason at all and when I touched it I realized it was for you. I put the words on it and then I gave it to you for Christmas. It's made of lead, plated in silver. That's why it's so heavy. I know you can't get that necklace off, and if you look closely, you'll see two small chinks in the edge of the box. Put the two sides of the chain and shut the box-it'll snap the chain clean through.

Lily did so. It worked. She stared at the necklace which had plagued her for so long and flung it across the room, turning back to the letter as the pendant hit the wall with a faint click.

I didn't know Vince would kill James's mum. I swear to you-I never, ever knew. I hope you believe me because I wouldn't be able to rest peacefully if you thought I knew and said nothing. We've become friends, haven't we? You're hardly the bitch we all thought you were. You are…so full of something I can't describe. I hope you and James stay happy. I hope you don't have to someday realize that your life is unfulfilled. That's how I feel now.

Lily, this is so hard to tell you. Augustus planned to acquire your blood so he could control you. It sounds strange-this boy who you've never met wanting to control you-the theory was to get your blood and then to get to James, and thus his parents. He knew how much James liked you-I could tell and therefore so he could he. James's parents are on the verge of blowing the lid off the Malfoy operation and they have no idea…they also have no idea that if they destroy the Malfoys, they destroy the Rookwoods.

I'm just about to go into the forest to meet Augustus and Vince-I'll try however I can to help you. I wish we'd known each other better…I wish I'd slept with Remus, yeah? I don't think this night will end well. I have to tell you just one more thing. Please be nice to Mary and Elizabeth. I know you think they're ninnies. They're not. And yes, they hate you, but not as much as you think. They're only horrible to you because you've always been a bit different, and they've always wanted to stand out. They envy you and they pity you. Please give them a chance. That's my last wish. I swear.

Love,

Rebecca.

Augustus Rookwood.

Augustus Rookwood had killed Rebecca! He had been there! He must have…he must have put a memory charm on us, Lily thought, furious. She slammed the box shut and yelped yet again when her father cleared his throat. She whirled towards the door. "Dad!"

"Are you alright, lily? I've been watching you for the last ten minutes-what were you reading?"

"A letter," Lily said quickly. "Dinner ready?"

"Yes," her father said suspiciously. He turned to leave and Lily wiped her eyes while his back was turned. She followed her father downstairs and to the table, again wiping her eyes. She felt empty-she had no idea what to think about Rebecca.

They were halfway through their pasta, Lily and her parents, when an owl slammed against their window. Lily jumped up and let it in. The owl flapped around the kitchen, over the heads of Lily's unmoving parents. It finally calmed down and landed on a chair, allowing Lily to take the slip of parchment from its talon.

It was in James's handwriting: Outside. Five minutes.

Lily looked at her parents. "I'll be right back," she said quietly, staring at the owl, quite bothered. It looked-but then it flew away. Something struck Lily as odd, but she went outside anyways, ignoring the queries by her parents.

As soon as five minutes had passed outside Lily was wishing she had brought a cloak. The moment she head feet crunching on the snow behind her she realized what was wrong with that owl-it wasn't James's-it was an owl she had frequently seen with Lucifer, Vince's owl.

She snapped around and saw Augustus Rookwood. "YOU!" she yelled, pointing her finger at him. "You little shit," she continued vehemently, "I read your sister's letter!"

Unfortunately, Lily had forgotten her wand. She glared when he petrified her and tried to dodge his next spell.

"Oblivatus Meus," he said calmly. Lily's mind was blank for a brief second-she was floating in nothing-did she exist? She thought for a moment that she was at sea-what was a sea? All she saw was white above and black below, with gray straight ahead. She came back to herself in only a moment, looked around, and then fell away in a dead faint.

She woke when someone slapped her face lightly. She blinked up at Sirius's devastatingly handsome face, groggy and disoriented. She was freezing. Sirius helped her to sit up and she looked around-for some reason she was behind a bush.

"Oi!" he yelled. "I found her!"

Footsteps pounded on the ground. Remus, her parents, and Clark Potter suddenly appeared, breathing hard and ruddy-cheeked from the cold.

"What's going on?" Lily muttered. "Why am I out here?"

Her parents looked shocked. "Lily," her mother said slowly, "you said you would be right back. After fifteen minutes we came to look for you-but just then-"

"We came," Sirius put in gently. "How long have you been out here? What happened?"

Lily looked blankly up at him. "I don't remember. I just remember a letter…a note…I'm not sure. Is James here?"

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other quickly-Lily rather thought they expected her to miss it. "No," Sirius said. "He and Peter are back at the flat. We came here to tell you something."

"What's that?"

"Vince Malfoy's dead. Murdered," Clark revealed quietly. "Let's get you inside, Lily. It's terribly cold out here."

Sirius and her father helped her to her feet. Lily thought she saw a glare on Thomas's face as he regarded Sirius, who had one of his arms around Lily waist. Sirius didn't seem to notice. Either that or he simply didn't care. They deposited her on the couch in front of the fire.

"Dead?" Lily finally asked.

"Yes," Clark said. "He's dead."

"But he…but he killed Sabia." Lily tongue felt thick and her words were slow.

Clark winced. "I know."

"He-Sirius, he killed Sabia. And Rebecca. And he dies-he gets away with it without anyone knowing the truth? Everyone will think he was innocent!"

"Who's Rebecca?" Lily's mum asked quickly. "Lily-someone else died?"

"I can't believe he's dead," Lily said, ignoring the question. "I…so there's no trial?"

Remus shook his head but said nothing.

Lily sighed. "Thank you…for telling me. You should go back to the flat."

They all hesitated, but finally left when Lily insisted again. Lily's mum looked like she was about to start up with questions, but Lily told her parents she was very tired and would be sleeping. She went upstairs, undressed down to her underwear, and then collapsed on her bed with no nightclothes. She was entirely to rattle to find something and put it on. She huddled under her heavy quilt and within seconds was asleep again.

She felt the bed dip down and her eyes snapped open. It was some hours later, past one in the morning. Lily looked up and recognized James's profile. She sat up but he put his finger over his lips and shook his head.

"What are you doing here?" she asked softly.

"Someone killed Vince," he answered, his voice just as low as hers. "And you're half naked."

She looked down at her bra and knickers and then up at his face blankly. "So…?"

"Just saying," he responded meanly. "Let's sleep." He flopped back on the bed, his arms at his sides, and then simply stared up at the ceiling with no expression on his face. Lily stared at him in disgust before getting up and snatching her pillow from the bed. She threw it down onto the carpeted floor and then got an extra blanket, settling down to sleep on the scratchy fabric.

She didn't know what woke her, but she blinked in the daylight that was streaming in through the windows. She was on the bed again, wrapped securely in her comforter and curled up in a warm hollow. She put her hand on the rumpled place where James had slept-it was cold. He had left already.

They were supposed to be getting closer, not completely deteriorating into nothing. Lily kicked her blankets off and went to take a shower, dressing quickly. It was just past ten in the morning.

James was actually sitting downstairs with her parents, his hair wet and his clothes neat. He had obviously changed and washed at some point. Before she could ask anything, her mother said, "Lily-finally awake, I see. James stopped by just ten minutes ago. He's eating brunch with us."

Lily glared at him and yanked out a chair, reaching for some orange juice and pouring herself a glass. She was alarmed to see how angry her father looked whenever his eyes fell on James. She started in on her bacon and waffles and finished in record time.

"When are you going back to school?" James asked suddenly, leaning in to whisper. Lily saw her father cross his arms and narrow his eyes.

"When are-" She had been about to say "you" but apparently he wanted nothing to do with her. "Tonight," she managed. "That way I'll be back for classes on Monday."

He nodded and returned to his plate. Samantha asked him something but Lily retreated within herself, staring at James for the rest of the meal. How could he possibly be so closed off? He had lost so much and now he was only trying to push her away. She wouldn't let him do that.

"Have you and James been going out for long?" Thomas asked during a lull in the conversation. James opened his mouth to reply but Lily cut him off.

"Seems like forever, Daddy." Lily's mother raised her eyebrows at the sarcasm in Lily's voice. James sat back in his chair and looked chastised. Lily threw her napkin down, gathered her plate, and took it to the kitchen to wash, leaving James to his own devices for a while.

……

Around one she began to look for him. She finally found him sitting outside on the sundeck under the awning, although he wasn't absorbing any sun because it was so dismal outside. Rain was drizzling down steadily. She couldn't understand why he wasn't outside in it-he was dry, sitting just by the edge of the shelter. The rain was…just out of his reach.

"James?"

"Go away," he snapped.

Lily paused by the screen door. She was utterly tired of this. She turned and went back into the kitchen, where her mother was washing dishes by hand. She began handing them to Lily to dry.

"He's been sitting out there for half an hour," said Samantha conspiratorially.

"I don't care," Lily, irrationally irritated.

Samantha raised an eyebrow. "Is that right?"

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Lily, you can't expect things to be too easy."

Lily laughed and laughed and laughed. "Easy? Please! I wish!"

"Your father dislikes James."

Lily's head snapped up. "Why? What isn't there to like? Dad simply-"

Samantha smiled knowingly and Lily flushed, looking down. "I thought you didn't care."

"I'm young. I say stupid things," Lily said tonelessly, starting to put the dishes away.

"He's a sweet boy, Lily. Give him a chance."

Lily sighed, rubbing her forehead. "He's never going to be out of chances with me, Mum-I'll keep on giving him chances until I'm old and grey. I just…right now it's so…"

"Maybe you-"

"I do love him, Mum. Only…I wish we'd had more time before everything got so serious. I-he has so much emptiness inside of him right now. His mother's gone, his father's a shell-he has no family to speak of besides his friends and me."

Samantha put her freshly dried hand in Lily's hair and began to massage her scalp lightly, as she had when Lily was much younger.

Lily put the heels of her hands to her eyes to stem the tears. All she wanted right now was to sleep. "What if I turn out to be wrong and suddenly-I'm not the one that he needs? What if he stays empty and I just make it worse until he's all sharp corners and harness and no sweetness at all-what if that void eats him up and he black and bitter and…"

"And?" Samantha asked patiently, smoothing down Lily's tangled hair.

"And what if I wake up one day and I turn over and I don't want to hug him?" Lily cried. "What if I've hugged him so many times with no response that I finally don't want to anymore?"

"The boy does just beg for hugs, doesn't he?" Samantha mused. She turned Lily around with her hands on the young girl's shoulders, pulling her in closer and looking her right in the eyes. "Do you love James, dear?"

Lily nodded. Samantha wiped the tears from beneath her eyes with her thumbs.

"Then why don't you go make sure he knows that?"

Lily shrugged listlessly. "He just said for me to go away and leave him be. What makes you think he'll be any more receptive after fifteen minutes?"

Samantha smiled and turned Lily again so she was facing out the window and could see over the small backyard, down to the bank of the tiny creek that ran across the back of the property. James was sitting on the bank, his legs dangling over the side and into the undersized ravine.

"I'm going upstairs. I won't be down for a while and I won't be looking out the windows."

"Mum?" Lily asked, posing her earlier unanswered question in that one word.

"He's finally gone out into the rain, love," Samantha said in reply, and then pushed Lily over to the screen door, before leaving the cluttered kitchen and disappearing from sight. Lily hesitated at the door and then left the warmth of her house, stepping out into the slushy snow that covered what had once been a nicely manicured lawn. Her father had to restore it every spring because of the rain and snow. She slid her way along to James, who had cleared some snow and was simply sitting in the rain on top of the brown grass revealed beneath, his head tipped back and his glasses beaded with droplets of shining water.

"Cold?" she asked.

"A little. Right stupid it was, coming out here like this."

"It's nice," Lily offered benignly.

"Do you need something?"

"No."

They sat in silence for a moment. Lily then turned to James and studied him. She bit her lip and tried, once again, to force tears back into their ducts. She didn't have any use for them, not now. "James."

"Yeah?"

"Do you love me?"

He turned his head a fraction of an inch to the side and was able to slam his gaze into hers. "Yeah."

He didn't sound very sure.

"Are you sure?" Lily persisted.

"Yes." James's gaze…tightened on hers, locking her in and pulling her close without even touching her. "I love you, Lily."

"I love you too," Lily said, swallowing hard.

James nodded, slowly closing his eyes. It was the first time she had said it to him, Lily suddenly realized. Like this. Here. In the rain. Despicable. Lovely.

"I'm going to be an Auror," she continued.

His head jerked up. "What?"

"An Auror," she repeated.

"You want to be a Healer, Lily. You've wanted to be a Healer since Third Year!"

How did he know that?-oh, she had told him. She shrugged. "I'm going to be an Auror instead."

"Why? Why? Do you have a death wish or something? Do you want to get yourself killed out there?"

"Do you?" Lily retorted, not letting him look away.

"That's different!"

"Oh ho!" Lily exclaimed. "I never thought you were one for double standards, James!"

"It's not a double standard, Lily!" James ran a hand through his hair. It sprang up from its wetness and messed up with a vengeance, infused with a life of its own. "I-I've always wanted this. It's what I was born for. Who's going to make up for the ones I kill if you're not there healing others?"

Lily knew her lips were trembling. "I…I thought that if we were both Aurors, we could stay together when we get married and be partners. If I'm a Healer and you're an Auror you'll have to go away without me and leave me home and…"

James shut his mouth, staring at her for long blocks of time that stretched out into an eternity. "Married?" he finally echoed, his voice faint.

Lily nodded. She hadn't even known. Now she did.

James looked down. "I thought we might take a break."

Lily's lips thinned. A break? No…she couldn't…

"A break," she said dully. "Oh."

"I'm messed up. We're messed up. I need…"

"A break?" Lily substituted bitterly. "Just a guess."

"Do you remember when you told me about that necklace? You were reading a book-we were in my room and it was just before Sirius came in. You told me that Vince had you under his thumb and all I felt was…pure amazement that a person could do that to another human being. I couldn't even get angry. I only feel alive when we're shagging. I don't want to live like that."

Lily still stared at him mutely.

"We've done a lot of damage to each other over the past month, Lily. Getting-I'm not even sure what I want to do, whether I want to be an Auror or a…or an Unspeakable or the bloody bartender at the Hog's Head…I don't know. We both need time to figure things out and reconfigure-where are you going?"

Lily had jumped up and was running back up through the wet snow, clenching her fists. Halfway up to the deck she whipped around and stalked back to James.

"We are not taking a break," she told him through gritted teeth.

"Haven't you been listening to me, Lily?" he asked exasperatedly.

"Yes. Reconfigure-bullshit. We're not taking a break. You're going to kill yourself or something equally devastating."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to kill myself."

"Please don't do this," Lily begged, sinking down to her knees next to him. She tried to keep from shivering. "I'll do anything-please don't do this."

James reached out two freezing cold hands and put them on either side of her face. "You look lovely right now," he said softly, tugging her in tighter. Lily put her head down on his wet shirt and felt his arms go around her.

"Do I?"

He only stroked her hair in response. Lily shivered and rubbed her nose into his wet shirt.

"Are you cold?"

She nodded.

"Go inside, then."

She shook her head.

"Go inside, Lily," he said wearily.

She raised her head and looked up. "No," she breathed. "No…"

He rubbed his thumb over her lips. "They'll get chapped," he reproached her, almost as if kissing chapped lips would be the end of the world.

"Do you care?" she demanded.

"Of course not. Go inside."

Lily pulled back. "God! James-you…oh, God, you are so-"

"Do you actually believe in God? You sure say it a lot."

It was quiet, loaded question. Lily rubbed her mouth (her lips would get chapped) and then sighed. Why did he do this? Why did he have to switch tracks so quickly she could hardly think?

"I don't know. No, not really. How can you believe in something that's not there?"

"Exactly. It's…it's blind faith. I can't see it or hear it but I can feel it." James swallowed. He looked down the ten yard drop into the thin ravine and at the frozen creek below.

"What's it?"

"Do you think I loved my mother? D'you think I love my father?" James's head tilted up and his blazing, grief-stricken gaze tripped up her face.

"Yes," Lily whispered.

"But you can't see love. You can't hear it or touch it. You can just feel it."

Lily furrowed her brow, completely confused as to what he was saying. Hadn't he just said…"So you don't love your father. You don't love your mother, or Sirius, or me, or-?"

"No!" James burst out, making little gestures of protest with his hands. "I do love me father and my mother and you and even Sirius. I don't know if I can…I think I need to get away from everything. I need to-"

"Reconfigure," Lily murmured. She bit her lip hard and blinked several times.

"I love you, Lily. I don't want you to doubt that."

"No," Lily said, looking down at her hands. "You're right. You can't see it or hear it or touch it. It's just…like you're dying slowly. Like it's going to eat you up until all that's left is love and you aren't just one person anymore."

James was staring at her, flummoxed. "You really feel like that?"

Lily looked at him miserably. "Don't you?"

They kept quiet as he stared at her. Lily knew he was casting about for something to tell her. "I don't need to believe in God. You're like a higher power…you make it all better."

Lily managed a trembling smile. "That was a good line. Fantastic. Really."

He actually grinned at her. It faded slowly. The sun was going down with his smile. Lily noticed that there was no sun, so it couldn't possibly be going down. She imply thought it was in her mind.

"If you want a break, James, then you can have one," she said slowly. "But if…if we break up I don't see how we're ever going to stay in love. I don't want to walk around ridden with teen angst because my boyfriend broke up with me. We have enough to mourn for without burying what we need instead."

"I don't want to be happy."

"I'm going to give you chances until I die, James," Lily swore. "I promise-I'm going to wait for you for as long as it takes for you to want to be happy again."

He pressed cold lips to her forehead. "Go inside, Lily." He hunched his shoulders and turned away. Lily managed a trembling little smile before walking quickly up to the house and brushing past her sister and mother. She didn't know when Petunia had reached home, and she simply didn't care. She laid down gently on her bed, closed her eyes, and cried herself silently into the deep and consuming abyss of sleep.

……

No one quite knew what had happened between Lily and James and they told no one. For the next week, Lily talked only with Mary and Elizabeth, who indeed were much nicer when they realized that Lily was willing to be nice. She found herself gravitating towards Mary more than Elizabeth, something that gave Lily pause. She had always dislike marry more of the two.

She still told no one what had happened. He must have told Sirius and Remus and Peter, because every time she passed them they gave her encouraging, sympathetic looks, even Peter. Lily threw herself into her books and only came out of her book-induced haze when she saw James sitting by the edge of the lake during her walk back from Hagrid's. Not quite sure what she was doing, she walked over and sat down next to him.

"Hello."

"Hey."

It was the first interaction they had had all week. They sat awkwardly for twenty minutes and heard the bell ring, signaling the end of lunch and the beginning of the afternoon classes. Lily looked at James expectantly and he turned to meet her eyes. "Go inside," he said flatly. Lily nodded shortly and did so.

Every day Lily found him there, sitting by the lake and staring out over the surface. She sat with him in an awkward net so horrible that Lily felt embarrassed just being there. Every day he told her to go inside so she wouldn't be late and then arrived five minutes late to whatever class they had after lunch. This continued through the rest of the week; teachers were beginning to get annoyed at take away house points. No one said a word to him about.

The next Monday, Lily sat down beside him and handed him a chocolate frog. He smiled slightly and unwrapped it, taking the card out and eating the sweet in little pieces. He was about to offer her some but Lily took out her own and unwrapped that too.

The bell rang.

"Go inside," he said gently. Lily nodded and got up, but not before hugging him and kissing his cheek gently. He turned his head and gave her a shallow kiss on the mouth before pushing her towards the castle. Lily walked alone, her mind still reeling. People on breaks did not kiss. Perhaps she should stay away the next day and see whether he missed her…

In the end she went down anyways. He didn't kiss her and he once more told her to go inside when the time came. Lily considered refusing but then didn't-he seemed to need this. He needed to know that she would come back no matter what.

On Friday, two weeks after he had decided they would separate, Lily handed him his mother's shawl. He stared at it before rolling it up into a ball and putting it in his pocket. They sat together for a long while, Lily aching to say something but knowing she should not.

He spoke as the bell rang, his words indecipherable but their meaning clear. She got up and turned away but he stopped her.

"Lily."

She looked back at him.

"I love you."

Her heart sped up. She jerked her head in a nod, fully moving her body so she was facing him.

"I'll be late," she managed hoarsely.

"Stay," he said simply. Ten arguments formed in Lily's mind before she took a hesitant step forward. She got down to her knees beside him and he kissed her lightly, cradling her head reverently in his hands. He mapped her face with his fingers, memorizing it and then sliding his hands down her sides. He saw that belligerence in her eyes and kissed her again. Her arguments melted away, every last one.

Lily jerked away from him, bending her head and trying to keep her eyes open. They were heavy with relief. This felt so good she couldn't stand it. James tried to get her to look and finally moved his head down so he could kiss her again.

"…love you" she whispered squeakily, clearing her throat and laughing breathily. He smiled, his forehead against hers.

She began to move away, saying she would be late. James put his hands firmly on her shoulders and tugged her in, tucking her head into his neck. Lily's hands fluttered weakly over his chest.

He murmured the word over and over again into her hair. His whispers were soft and Lily tried not to smile-she could hardly help it. Her hand curled around the nape of his neck and she thought about a pretty white dress and a towering cake with crisp champagne.

"Stay."

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