Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.
Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 4: Of Kisses and Tears
Date Begun: Sunday, June 6, 2004
Date Finished: Sunday, June 6,
2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005
Let tears flow of their own accord: their flowing is not inconsistent with inward peace and harmony.
Seneca (5 BC - 65 AD)
……
Recap:
"I'm serious, Black. I want to see them. Give them to me."
Sirius grabbed a sheaf of paper from James, and suddenly Lily realized that James had just performed split second transfiguration.
"This isn't any of your business. I'm not showing them to you, you worm. And your girlfriend headed for the main doors" Black hissed, turning on his heel and disappearing. Potter still stood there, staring at Vince as if he was from another planet.
"Seriously-Lily Evans lets you treat her like that? Even I knew not to be that overprotective when I was fifteen, stupid, and in love with her."
Vince raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And who's the one dating her?"
He pushed past James and disappeared around the corner. James stood there and then turned to the alcove. He snatched the cloak off of Lily and then set off briskly down the hall, furious, leaving Lily staring after him, wordless and angry.
……
Lily met Potter in the Great Hall the next evening, successfully having avoided Vince before he left the previous morning, and also having avoided Black. She had stayed in her room all day today, except for a trip down to the kitchens for some food. It was strange being here when no one else was-it was almost nice in a way. Lily had never liked large crowds, and she found that the emptiness of Hogwarts castle suited her well. She liked to hear her footsteps echo as she walked down a corridor, liked feeling as if she was the only person in the world. Obviously, there were still some students in the castle, but not enough to bother her.
"All ready?" James asked briskly as he caught sight of her with her traveling case. He had his trunk, magically reduced to a smaller size, sitting on the floor next to him.
Lily nodded, frowning. He was obviously pretending as if the previous day had not happened, and she would just go along with it, because she did not have the energy to contest him.
"…fifteen, stupid, and in love with her…"
Lily shut her mind to the thought and walked beside him down to Hogsmeade. He had been exaggerating-he had not been
in love with her. He had only fancied her. She was going to stop obsessing over it, right at this very
instant. There was no reason for James to still fancy her; she had made sure of that. He must have stopped sometime
after she had started dating Vince. It was partly her reason for accepting Vince's Hogsmeade invitation to begin
with.
"Don't get scared," he said over his shoulder to her as they stopped on High Street. He held out his wand hand and Lily jumped and let out a little shriek as a large, hulking, two story bus appeared before them with the loudest sound she had ever heard. Knight Bus was written on the windshield in curly handwriting.
Lily smacked him upside the head. "You bastard," she raged. "You could have warned me."
James rubbed the back of his head and glared at her, turning back to the man in the front of the bus.
"I'm Stan," he said, a strange accent coming out with his words. "You comin' on?" he peered closer. "Well, innit James Potter?"
James nodded. "Two mugs of hot chocolate and two toothbrushes please," he said, giving Stan a handful of silver coins. Lily's teeth were chattering and James was shivering. "This is Lily."
"Welcome aboard," Stan said, stepping aside and letting Lily and James board. He took Lily's traveling case and James's trunk and led them through the aisle between the lines of beds, most of which were full. He led them up the stairs and to the empty top floor. "You two could use some privacy," he said, with a wink, his cockney accent bowling Lily over.
Lily said nothing, setting her trunk down on the bed and snapping it open. Stan said something about his newborn son and she heard James offer congratulations. There was a beat and Lily realized that she should say something, but she simply looked at Stand and gave him a forced smile. Stan's expectant, proud grin melted off his face. Lily continued to stare and James suddenly said, "Thanks, Stan. We'll call you if we need anything. We need to get up to Godric's Hollow. You know where that is?"
Stan nodded. "That'll be a long one. We gotta lot of stops tonight. You just make yourselves comfortable because you'll be spending the night." He went downstairs. James turned and fixed Lily with an angry stare.
"What'd you do that for? You didn't have to be such a bitch."
Lily shrugged. She had no answer for him, and felt a shameful blush creep up her neck.
James threw his trunk down on a bed and un-shrunk it. He took out a shirt and a pair of pants and slammed the lid. "I'm changing," he said flatly, turning away from her and pulling off his robes. Lily watched with badly disguised interest as he ripped his shirt over his head and pulled on a looser one. He hesitated, almost as if knowing she was watching, and then began to take off his pants.
Lily finally turned away, her face red, and reached into her own traveling case. She took out the clothes she wore at night-a loose pair of pants and a sleeveless top. She also pulled out a jumper. She donned the clothes turned around to find James watching her.
"Were you watching me?" she demanded needlessly.
He shrugged. "Embarrassed, Evans?"
She shrugged back. "I suppose. Wouldn't you be?"
He nodded. "I'll give you that…but if you're going to have me shag you, you might as well let me watch you change."
Lily opened her mouth in outrage but Stan appeared with the hot chocolate and a pair of toothbrushes. He handed one mug to James and then one to Lily without meeting her eyes.
"Thanks," she said grudgingly. Stan mumbled something and bolted. Lily sipped the hot chocolate and sighed, wrapping her hands around the mug and draining it. The warm feeling it caused stayed with her.
A sink appeared between their beds and Lily once again marveled at the wonders of magic. She picked up her toothbrush and ran some water over it, then looked around for toothpaste. All of a sudden, she saw toothpaste in a deep purple color appear on the brush. Shrugging her shoulders, she began to brush her teeth and saw James come up behind her, doing the same.
She spit out a wad of foam and rinsed her mouth, then the toothbrush, setting it aside. She moved aside for James and busied herself with getting ready for bed-anything to occupy her hands. She brushed her hair and was halfway through tying it back when she felt James's hands on hers.
She froze.
Slowly, James tied her hair back. She touched the ponytail and stifled a laugh. It felt like it was going to fall out any second.
"You shouldn't do hair," she remarked idly.
"Don't you think," he said softly, ignoring her comment, "that we should get started?"
Lily squeaked. Oh, God…
James leaned over and looked at her strangely. "Evans…did you just squeak?"
"Well-"
"Why did you just squeak?"
"You got really close," she said defensively. "You touched my hair!"
James came to stand in front of her and closed his eyes. "Oh, dear Merlin. We're not going to get anywhere."
"Well…it's not like I'm used to you touching me," she snapped. "You've never gotten that close to me."
He smirked and leaned closer until his nose was only a centimeter away from hers. "Get used to it," he said, and then he kissed her.
Lily kissed him back hard and he pulled away. "Stop-" he began, looking at her strangely. "Just…go slowly. He'll start off slow."
"How do you know?" she asked, genuinely curious and slightly stung. She doubted the word slow when linked with sex was even in Vince's vocabulary.
He shrugged. "It's always better when it starts slow, I guess. And Malfoy'll definitely know that."
Lily frowned, doubtful, but then James leaned forward and kissed her again. Lily tried to slow down but felt herself rushing. He pulled away again and looked at her, exasperated. "You're irritating, you know that?"
Lily crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.
"Look," he said, pressing a hand against her shoulder and urging her back against the headboard. It was cold against her skin and she shivered. "Just don't kiss me back for a moment. Go with me on this one-this way you'll see how slow I'm going. Just follow my lead."
Lily, not one to follow anyone's lead, least of all a boy's, least of all James Potter's, frowned. Nevertheless, she nodded and uncrossed her arms.
His mouth brushed lightly over hers, giving her the slightest impression of soft lips before disappearing. He pressed his mouth against hers gently, instigating a shallow kiss that was achingly slow. After a second, Lily matched her lips to his and brought her hands up and into his hair.
This was actually rather nice. Vince had never kissed her like this.
His tongue traced a line over her upper lip and then he broke away, taking shallow little breaths. "That's good," he whispered. "Very good."
This time their lips met with an intimacy that came from absolutely nowhere and from everywhere at the same time. The kiss was hesitant for only a second, and then James's hand traveled up to cradle her head and he plunged his tongue into her mouth with a ferocity she had not foreseen.
They slid down until they were lying on the bed together, his body covering hers completely. They stopped kissing to breathe and James pressed a kiss to her cheekbone. He kissed a small line along her jaw and down her neck. He pulled away briefly and tore her jumper over her head. One of his warm hands eased inside her shirt and around her back, leaving a trail of fire where his skin touched hers. He brought his other hand down and unhooked her bra, sliding one of his hands underneath her bra and leaving the other pressed against her back as he kissed her again.
Lily tensed. She had never let Vince touch her under her bra-only above it. James had reached that point-the point where she had gone, but gone no further. She didn't know whether to stop him and tell him that this is where things got fuzzy, or to just let him continue with what he was doing. It felt wonderful, there was no doubt about that, but it was so new to her. There had been few chances for her and Vince to get so far, thank God, due to time and drama and circumstances Lily had no control over. Seldom had she had to make a choice.
Then again, she was here to shag James, and that was that.
James seemed to sense her hesitation, because he stopped kissing her and brought his mouth up to her ear. "I'm not going to hurt you," he whispered roughly. "Just keep on kissing me-I mean him. Don't stop kissing him, even if you get scared, because then you can hide it. Okay?"
Lily nodded, half asleep from the gruff sound of his voice in her ear.
His hand covered her breast, and Lily heard a low moan emit from somewhere far away.
Was that me?
Instinctively she parted her legs and he settled heavily in between them, still kissing her. Lily slid her hands down his arms and up again, feeling something warm beginning to rise in the pit of her stomach. She felt tingly all over-she felt faint and strange-and she didn't know what to do about this unfamiliar feeling. With Vince it was more urgent-more frenzied, as if she was trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.
James untied the drawstring of her pants-and then they fell of the bed as the bus stopped with a loud BANG and a huge lurch. Lily landed on top of James on the floor, her face inches from his, breathing heavily. Her hair came loose from its badly crafted ponytail and formed a curtain around their faces. For just a second, something flickered in his warm eyes-something strangely like affection-but then it was gone.
They heard people disembarking from below. Lily stared at him, wide eyed, and imperceptibly leaned forward, ready to kiss him again.
He began to laugh. "Oh…Merlin…that was funny."
Lily didn't find much funny about it, but she forced out a little laugh as well and rolled off of him, lying flat on the floor. She tried to bring her breathing back to a normal speed but found she could not do it right away.
"I didn't mean to scare you or anything," he said tentatively, after the bus had begun to move again with a sickening lurch.
"You didn't," she answered shortly.
"Well then…you suppose we should go to sleep?"
Lily shrugged lazily. "Sure."
James got up from the floor and held out a hand to help her up. She studiously ignored him and stood herself, dusting off her pants and brushing past him to get to her bed.
He caught her wrist and slid his hand up her arm. "Don't get short with me, Evans," he warned, drawing circles on her upper arm and send shocks down her spine. "You asked me to do this-so I'm doing it."
She nodded, strangely close to tears.
"Good," he said, his voice less harsh, and he let go of her arm. Utterly spent, she crawled into her bed and pulled the covers up against the chill of the evening. She did not have the energy to find her discarded jumper.
"Goodnight," he said.
Lily did not respond. She pulled off her bra and let it drop to the floor so it did not bother her anymore. The first sob came unexpectedly, but was mercifully silent. She wiped her eyes and curled up in a ball, staring at the wall as the lights dimmed and they sped through the English countryside, and she cried simply for no reason at all.
……
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