Unofficial Portkey Archive

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 22: Of Pride and Masochism
Date Begun: Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Date Finished: Saturday, January 08, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005

……

[Gainsay, by The Starting Line]

……

Lily returned home for all of four days after the New Year's Eve Party before returning to King's Cross on Monday. She made sure to erase all traces of her presence before leaving the house so there would be no questions from her parents and she went to the train station with little fuss. She took only her trunk and had to remind herself not to do any magic-her house was not on a list of underage magic exceptions like James's was.

The train station was bustling as usual. Lily got out of the cab, threw some pounds at the driver, and lugged her trunk out behind her, taking a trolley and wheeling it towards the platform. A beggar pleaded with her for some money and Lily could not resist, she gave him some of her loose change. He grinned at her, no teeth showing, and Lily turned her face away. She felt a little better now that she had made someone's day brighter. Shaking the feeling off, she stopped outside the barrier that led to the platform and looked around to make sure no one was watching. A boy her age was leering at her and Lily waited until he glanced away before walking through the barrier.

The other side was full of students rushing to say goodbye to their parents and board the train. Lily, happy to be back in her world, levitated her trunk and got onto the train, finding a compartment for herself and wiping sweaty hands on her jeans, dreading seeing…well, anyone. James, Vince, Sirius, Remus…Peter too. She did want to speak to Rebecca, though.

She did not have long to wait. Rebecca poked her head into the compartment a moment after Lily fastened Vince's necklace around her neck. Rebecca frowned and then shrugged, shaking her head and walking in, taking a seat next to Lily after stowing her trunk next to one of the seats.

"Was the rest of your holiday nice?" Rebecca asked politely.

Lily shrugged, looking out the window.

Rebecca sat back in her seat and sighed. "Oh, dear. This is going to be a long ride."

Lily sighed as well. "I'll go to find Vince at some point." She sent a sly look Rebecca's way. "And then you can go find Remus."

Rebecca raised an eyebrow. "I don't want anything heavy right now, Lily."

"I know. I don't think Remus does either."

"Is that wise?" Rebecca suddenly asked.

"What?"

"Finding Vince. I mean…if you he looks for you there's a chance he might not find you, so you could conceivably avoid him if you wanted to."

"No," Lily said as the whistle blew and the train began to move. "First-it's a seven hour train ride. He'd find me. Second-I don't have any reason to avoid him, do I?"

"There's James, for one."

"James?" Lily asked incredulously. "He stated quite clearly that he hates my guts and wants nothing to do with me."

Rebecca's strangely colored eyes locked on Lily's. "No," she said in an eerily soft voice. "He responded to you saying you hated him. You don't pay very much attention, do you?"

"To what?"

"To anything, silly!"

"Rebecca-"

"Lily, after you went upstairs…Peter took James aside. And I have no clue what he said but it wasn't in your favor, because James got very angry and followed you upstairs. And then you came down together-you should have seen the look on Peter Pettigrew's face. It was like he wanted to kill you. That boy hates you. Not James."

Lily snorted, not believing her. They were passing endless high-rise buildings now as they left the station.

"Merlin, Lily…and then you were just standing there with your eyes shut and you didn't see the way James got angrier and angrier…all his jokes and all his stupid pleased looks are just a front. He was furious with everyone because he knew he couldn't have you. Can't have you."

Lily remembered his seemingly sudden outbursts from the day before. Perhaps they were not so sudden, but Peter was harmless-even Vince had said so.

"Bec, I don't feel like doing this right now."

Rebecca wrinkled her nose. "Bec?"

Lily winced. "Yeah-sorry, Rebecca. I was too lazy to say your whole name."

Rebecca opened her mouth to reply but they were interrupted by Vince, who looked in and snapped, "Lily! Where have you been?"

Lily looked at Vince as if he was mad. "Um…right here."

Vince rolled his eyes. "Come on. I've found an empty compartment for us. Just past the nearest loo."

He retreated and Lily bit her lip before getting up.

"Do you mind me asking a quick question?" Rebecca said quietly.

Lily, who was preoccupied with finding her wand on the floor, shook her head.

"I'm not telling you to break up with Vince, but…um…if you can have James, why don't you?"

Lily paused in her search and looked at Rebecca. "Well, I guess it's like you said. I feel like if I leave Vince for James, I'll be…well it'll set Vince off. He'll hate me and he'll hate James and…perhaps he'll hurt one of us."

"What if you just…leave Vince? Without going to James," Rebecca asked tentatively. Lily found her wand and stood up, brushing off the knees of her jeans.

"Then all of this would be for nothing. Me and James shagging and getting into this mess in the first place-there would be no point. And Vince makes me feel different-like I stand out."

"It's not such a great thing, standing out," remarked Rebecca, but Lily was already out the door.

……

She heard James's voice down rickety, narrow corridor but ignored it and walked in the opposite direction. Lily found Vince after looking at quite a few compartments on the car, and she was startled to realize that he had obscured the glass on the door somehow. She could not see through it. She shut the door after she walked in and steeled herself for what was about to come.

Vince was lounging across one of the conjoined seats, leaning against the window. Lily looked out at the rapidly moving countryside and felt a little dizzy, but she steadied her mind and put her wand down on the seat. His bright eyes trailed over her dark blue top and her tight jeans and Lily could not help the self-consciousness that set in. He cocked an eyebrow at her, and Vince's resemblance to James at that moment was so staggering Lily almost said his name.

She did not, thankfully, and she sat down across from Vince.

"Come here," he said quietly, and Lily only went because he did not say it as an order, and he actually sounded affectionate. She settled on the edge of the seat and his arm went around her waist, and Lily was very glad he was being kind.

Shit, Lily thought. What's happened to me? I didn't need him to be nice before!

He lifted his left hand and trailed it down the side of her face, his fingers skimming over her neck and down to the dip between her collarbone, just above where her shirt began.

She, Lily was proud to say, could never be called a slut.

He touched the pendant he had given her for Christmas and smiled up at her. "Oh, good. You're wearing it."

Lily managed a small smile at him and then leaned in to kiss him. His lips were cold but when he opened his mouth it was as hot as Lily's attic on a mid-August day. She pulled away after a long minute, despairing. She was feeling nothing. She felt nothing.

She ignored it and kissed him again, more desperate. His hands were suddenly inside her shirt and unhooking her bra, and Lily forced herself not to stiffen as he touched her breast.

He's not James. That's what's wrong, Lily knew with certainty. She broke away from Vince to breathe and put her head against his shoulder; she did stiffen when he started to unbutton her jeans.

"No," she gasped. "No-Vince-don't-"

To his credit, he stopped and turned his head to the side so he could look at her. Lily could not read his eyes for any emotion. She did not try very hard anyway. "Why?" Lily heard the danger lurking in his voice and warned herself to tread carefully.

"Not here," she told him earnestly. "A bed-I want a bed for our first time."

"I'll make a bloody bed for us," he told her, peeved.

"I dunno. It'll probably disappear halfway through," Lily teased, and he cracked a smile. It was not an amused smile-it was an angry, cruel smile that he tried to make kind.

I. Want. James.

She squashed the thought and banished his voice and face from her mind, a bit of fear shooting through her as Vince's hands tightened on her waist. She locked eyes with him and was suddenly falling into their blue depths.

"Lily," he said, "I want you."

She nodded, unable to make her mouth say the same to him.

"Lily," he said again, his voice like silk. "There's something else you could do for me."

……

Half an hour later, Lily stumbled into the magically enlarged compartment for the Prefects' meeting and inwardly groaned. She was precisely two minutes early. James was already there, along with many of the new fifth year Prefects who were probably still afraid to be late. Lily avoided James's burning gaze as he stared at her and ladled some water into a glass. She drank it straight down and felt absolutely sick. She was ready to throw up.

She heard James scoff and did not look at him, instead staring out with window. She stayed still for a full ten minutes before calling the present Prefects to attention. Some were missing, but Lily proceeded without them. The longer she talked, the more she felt James's silent, accusatory gaze on her back, and the sicker she felt.

She concluded the meeting within half an hour. It was only after the last fifth year Ravenclaw Prefect had left the compartment that Lily swore, swallowing the lump in her throat and drinking more water. She had forgotten to assign some dimwits to take down the decorations around the castle. Now she would have to do it.

"You forgot-"

"I know," she snapped at him. "I'll do it myself."

"I'll help you," James said quietly, and Lily wanted to scream at the sound of his voice.

"Good," she said shortly, and then headed for the door.

"I heard you shagging Vince," James said, halting her. She did not turn to face him. "I was walking by that compartment and I heard him….he must have really liked it…." He stopped talking and Lily bit her lip, finally turning around to face him.

His face was pained and he looked as sick as she felt.

"I…um…I don't hate you," was all she could think of to say. James nodded.

"Okay." He got up and came over to stand by her. "Okay."

Lily backed away from him and he frowned.

"Listen, Lily," he began, looking as if the words were being torn from his mouth with a sharp, pointed rake. "I want you to know that it's okay."

"What's okay?" she asked, swallowing hard again.

"For you to shag Vince," he explained, and Lily opened her mouth to tell him that she did not need his permission, but James held up one of his strong hands to cut her off. Lily wanted to feel that hand on her skin. "I don't mean it like that," he continued, frustrated. "I meant…you know I like you more than I should, but don't worry about hurting me-because there's not much you could do to make this hurt worse…and…and I can take it. I'm a big boy. The whole point of you coming to my house was for you to…shag Malfoy."

"I didn't shag him," she said hoarsely, and then she cleared her throat. "Vince. I didn't want…."

"He didn't make you-"

"No!" Lily hastened to explain, envisioning James punching Vince in the face for hurting her. "I don't think…no." She swallowed again and James leaned in for a kiss. Lily stumbled backwards. "You shouldn't-"

He looked rueful. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't. I just-" He stopped talking abruptly, studying her face. Quite suddenly his hands were wrapped around her upper arms and his eyes were angry again. "You….Lily…."

She tried to break away from his grip but he held her there, just inches away from her. She could kiss him if she didn't feel so dirty.

"You weren't made to be on your knees with your head between a bloke's legs, Lily," James said furiously, shaking her. She still could not look at him. "Don't you have any pride?"

She nodded, gritting her teeth to prevent tears and resolutely staring at the floor.

"Then where is it, for fuck's sake? How could you-"

She shrugged to explain and he made an angry sound in his throat.

"That's not fair," he whispered to her. "It's not fair-fuck."

"Why not?" she said as a gasp.

"Lily, you shouldn't…you shouldn't ever give head to-"

Lily was able to gently pull away at this point. "Because you didn't get any from me-that's why it's not fair?"

She was not even angry. A twisted part of her mind was happy about the fact that James was jealous of Vince. She took a deep breath; she was shaking.

"Fuck-no," James said. "No, no, no. God-no."

"I get it," Lily said. "I get it!"

"You don't, though," James told her. "You really, really don't."

Lily sat down. "Explain it to me," she said quietly, happy to have an excuse to stay away from Vince.

James did not sit, but he did steady himself against the wall so as not to fall when the train occasionally lurched from side to side. His eyes were hot on Lily's and she loved the way it felt.

"I fancy you," James said bluntly. "I fancy you a whole lot and I have for a while and-I never really stopped, did I? I mean, I've always wanted you. And suddenly-boom-I could have you. Do you have any idea how amazing that felt? I could take you anytime I wanted. I could talk to you or touch you or shag you any time I wanted, and it's hell now that I can't." He ran his hands through his hair, rumpling it in the back in a way that Lily found, shockingly enough, pleased her. "What's it been? Just under a week? And I'm ready to kill myself from withdrawal."

Lily twisted her hands in her lap and looked down. James did not move from his position.

"Because see, it's like this: this entire situation was just one big exercise in stupidity. I was the stupidest person alive to think you might actually prefer me over your bad boy Malfoy. I thought that perhaps-just fucking perhaps, you might think that the good bloke's the better one. But I guess not and I'm in a shitty mindset about it but who cares, Lily? Who cares? Because there's a bunch of people out there going and dying and working like mad just so all of us can be safe-and I don't need to worry about whether I'm in love with you or not because it's all moot, isn't it? You're with Malfoy, not me. It's a shame you're wasting yourself on him but-okay. Okay."

"James-I want-"

"It doesn't matter what you want!" James said loudly. Lily winced. "Haven't you been listening, Lily? It's over-there's nothing left-"

"Yes, there is," Lily interrupted, and James stopped dead, staring at her.

"What the-are you-what d'you mean?" He gripped the handrail so hard Lily could see his knuckles strain and whiten.

"I said…there is something left. Between us."

James shook his head slowly, disbelievingly. Lily cleared her throat several times as she tried to work up the courage to say what she needed to say. "I…um…I've lied."

James made an outraged, wild sound in the back of his throat, causing Lily to look up and meet his eyes. A jolt of heat went through her. "You-you mean so much, James. I can't even put it into understandable terms…you're so different from Vince in so many ways and they're all good…but the irony is that as soon as I realized I don't want Vince anymore, he wants me more than ever before. And I can't resist him-it's impossible but I don't know why. I just-I feel this pull for him and I have to make him happy-"

"You seem to be a masochist, Lily," James said sarcastically. "You have a strange habit of shagging or giving head or whatnot and you're so unhappy about it, but you keep coming back for more. Or going back for more, I should say, since you aren't running to me anymore."

"I wasn't unhappy about it with you," Lily blurted, and James stopped for a second time, looking unsure about this new development. "God-James, you were just bluffing, weren't you? You talked about how you knew I fancied you back but you were just guessing-I'm such a fucking idiot!"

"No, you're not," James sighed, finally taking a seat beside her. "You're not an idiot. I am. Me. Me. Me. There's…" James paused, "…nothing I can do if I don't know what you need."

Lily nodded and then pressed her hand against his cheek, breathing erratically. She could not be completely sure, but she thought she wasn't the only one short of breath. She leaned in and tucked her head neatly against his shoulder; her forehead and cheek were flush against his warm skin. He arms went around his neck and she brought her legs up, curling into him. James held her tightly, his breath hot on her hair.

"I don't care about Vince," she murmured. "I don't give a shit about him."

She felt James nod.

"But…it wouldn't work out very well."

She felt James stiffen and shrug.

"Why make things worse because we can't restrain ourselves? It would…raise so many terrible questions."

James nodded again, his silence a heavy weight on her neck. She felt as if it would snap and could hardly breathe.

"It can be a secret," he answered hoarsely.

"Too risky," Lily said immediately.

"It'd be worth it, Lily," he said emphatically. "Could you honestly say that we wouldn't work out? We fit together so well that it's ridiculous." As if to prove this, he pulled her in tighter to his side, and indeed, she did fit in perfectly against him.

"Yeah," Lily whispered, and that was all. She turned her face up and met his eyes. "But it wouldn't be worth it. Who knows what would happen, James? Vince…he hates you so much."

"I can honestly say I hate him more," James said, an edge to his voice. "Listen, I don't care what happens to me. Let Malfoy find out. Let him break up with you. Do something, or you're going to be stuck with him for the rest of the year, and I know you couldn't stand that. I know it. You can just…tell him. I'll tell him for you, if that's what you want."

Lily could tell he was getting impatient with her resistance. For a brief instant, his face on New Year's Eve flashed before her eyes. I hate you right back, you little bitch, he had said, and he had meant it. Perhaps he regretted it, but oh, right at that moment, he had meant it. She, however, had not meant her words. The thought was absolutely staggering. Of all things that could have happened, she never would have thought that James would feel more hatred for her than she would feel for him. Then again, she was playing him like a yo-yo.

James's face was much closer and his lips were just about to touch hers when Lily suddenly heard a familiar tread outside the compartment. She wrenched herself away and stumbled over to the window, straightening her hair and snatching up a quill and some parchment. Vince walked in just as she sat and began writing down nonsense that had to do with the prefect's meeting.

"Are you done yet, Lily?" Vince asked impatiently.

"Almost," she replied evenly, trying to slow down her beating heart. Oh, god, James was looking at her as if he wanted to kill her.

Vince sent a vicious look at James, who was still glaring at Lily and didn't notice. Lily swallowed, fear literally clogging her throat. Oh, don't say anything, James. Don't say anything!

"Got something to say, Potter?" Vince leered, and Lily's stomach plummeted so fast she was sure it would never come back.

"Should I have something to say to you?" James asked, his voice almost civil.

"Why are you staring at her?" asked Vince, stepping up and towering over the seated James.

With slow, careful deliberation, James stood up and Lily almost let out a hysterical giggle. Vince was fairly tall at just shy of six feet, but James was at least four or five inches taller. To be sure, James was thinner and lankier, and although his frame was slightly awkward, he carried himself with a grace that probably came from his Quidditch playing. Vince, on the other hand, was more muscled. They were so very different, these two boys, Lily mused as she watched in disbelief. There was really no way to tell who would win a physical fight, let alone a magical one. Vince knew the arcane Dark spells; Lily had seen him practicing before. She had always felt rather uneasy, but what could she do about it? She certainly could not tell anyone. James, Lily had discovered during one of their talks, knew all the arcane defense spells. His father had made sure he was very well taught in such areas, so the boys in front of her were very equally matched.

"Vince," she said hesitantly, putting down the parchment and quill and standing shakily. "Please, don't…"

"Why not?" he spat, spinning to face her. "Give me one reason I shouldn't blast his face in!"

"Because you'll get into trouble," Lily said evenly, crossing her arms and doing her best to stare Vince down. He sneered at her, his normally handsome face twisted in an unbecoming snarl.

"Get out, Potter," Lily snapped, and James jostled Vince a little before leaving the compartment with a smirk directed at the white-haired boy.

"Bye, bastard-boy," he said as he left. Lily gripped Vince's shirt to make sure he didn't attack James and pulled him back into the compartment.

"Don't let him get to you. If I let him get to me I would be ripping out my hair by now," Lily advised, speaking the truth. Vince struggled out of her grasp.

"He needs a beating," Vince hissed, a slightly fanatical gleam in his eyes. "A good, thorough flogging. That'll teach him to respect his betters."

Lily clenched her fists. "I promised I would sit with Rebecca," she said, wanting to get away from this crazy, uncontrollable Vince.

"Fine," he bit out. "Go find her. I need to talk to someone anyways."

He let her precede him out the door, and Lily felt his furious presence behind her all the way down the corridor.

……

The next day, after classes, Lily and James met in the Great Hall to take down all the decorations that had been missed by the volunteers. Frequently, the people who stayed during the Christmas Holidays volunteered to clean up the castle, but they only cleaned up the most visible decorations and left the rest to stay. It was the job of the Heads and Prefects to go around and clean up the remaining decorations. Lily and James knew about this because they had both done it themselves, not caring about the poor people who had to do the real work.

Lily hooked her hands behind her back to keep herself from touching him and gave him a tight smile. He looked her over and didn't say a word, somehow conveying with that one glance his disgust for her.

They began walking through the hallways in a tense, taut silence. Lily scanned one side of the corridor and James scanned the other. They went through three corridors before Lily spotted something and took it down. It was a green ribbon. She stared at it, not sure what to do with it, and then James took it from her hands-not gently, not angrily, but-just…taking. His fingers did brush against hers-how couldn't they?-yet Lily did not feel the romance-novel shock or tingle. There was just…an uncontrollable, ravaging sense of loneliness, because he was not supposed to touch her at all. He paused, his fingers inches from hers, and then he looked at her strangely.

He reached out and closed her fingers, because they were still outstretched as if they were still holding the ribbon. He did not touch her any longer than was necessary, and Lily wanted to scream at him: TOUCH ME, GODAMMIT!

"Accio empty box!"

In seconds, there was a zooming sound as the nearest empty box came flying towards them. It landed lightly on the ground, and James dropped the ribbon inside. Silently, Lily waved her wand at the box, and when they started walking, it lifted off the floor and floated behind them. They were silent for a long time and traversed the castle, working until dinnertime.

"Do you want to eat?" James asked, waving his wand at a stray bit of holly and letting fall into the box.

"No," Lily answered quietly, watching the strangely graceful way he moved. She had never noticed it before.

James shrugged and turned back to her. He looked at her for a long moment, the torchlight reflecting of his glasses and making him look strangely demonic. He stepped forward and the light disappeared. Lily stayed where she was.

"You look lost," he said, not quietly, not lovingly, just saying.

"I am, a little," she admitted.

He showed a smile at her honesty and they continued. The moment had dispelled no tension whatsoever; if anything, it had increased it. Lily and James were moving briskly now. Only the corridors that were normally traveled were decorated, and they had finished over three-quarters of the ones they had to check.

It was Lily, not thinking, who pointed it out when they stopped under a sprig of mistletoe.

James raised one of those irritating eyebrows and cocked his head to the side, looking up and biting back a grin. Lily almost hit him he took a step closer, and then another. Lily stood her ground, shaky as it was.

"Want me to do something about it?" he asked, all smiles and silk.

Wide-eyed, she shook her head.

"Then why'd you tell me?" he said.

She shook her head again. He was only inches away and then he was right there, his body flush against hers in a way only he could manage. With all due gentleness, he pushed one of his legs between hers and slid the other into her robe, splaying his large hand over the small of her back and pressing her intimately against him. She yielded slightly as his other hand slid up her cheek and ran into her hair, brushing it back from the side of her head and coming to rest in the back, so he was cradling her head in his palm.

She tried not to smile but his lazy, devilish grin was so infectious that her mouth quirked a little at the corners. He saw and his eyes danced at her. She licked her lips and he leaned down, his light kiss starting a fire under her skin.

"Mmm…." he muttered against her mouth. "It's been a while."

"Just five days," she whispered. He was close enough to eat her words.

"Long time," he said shortly, kissing her deeply this time. His tongue slid across her lower lip and she opened her mouth wider, placing her hands in his wild hair. She curled her fingers in and he shivered, pulling his hips back and forcing them against hers. Lily responded in kind and they stayed like that for almost a minute, kissing and rocking hard against one another.

Lily slowly came back to earth when she felt him try to push her back against a wall. The last thing she needed was to shag him against a wall again. The last time, her legs had ached for two days afterwards.

He let her pull away and did not protest when she stepped away until her back hit the wall. They stayed separated, eyes averted, breathing heavy. There was a deep, pooling ache between Lily's legs that was begging to be eased, but she was damned if was going to let James do that again. He did not try to take a step forward; neither did she.

"So," James ventured. "Had a shag with Vince yet?"

Lily did not answer. "Why do you call him Vince and not Malfoy?"

James frowned. "I feel like…I know him, as disgusting as that is."

Lily nodded. "No."

He looked at her sharply, his first sign of anger and strong emotion that day, aside from the obvious kissing. "No, what?"

"No, I did not shag Vince. Yet," she added, just to remind herself what the danger was with this boy.

"Why not?"

"Because-" Lily stopped; she had no words.

"Hmm?"

Was it her imagination, or was James getting angry?

"Because I didn't think I was ready."

"Not ready?" James asked incredulously. "After all that hard work you weren't ready to sleep with him the very night you got back?"

"It was hard work alright," Lily muttered. James let out a choke of laughter.

"Shut up," he said good-naturedly. "No puns allowed. I get enough from Sirius-"

"Oh, Sirius," Lily sighed. James laughed again.

"Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily," he replied. "Just go get it over with!"

"What makes you think if I do it it'll be to get it over with, hmm?" Lily asked

"Because whatever it is that you want to think," James said to her, turning and grabbing something for the wall, "you want to shag Vince about as much as I want to shag him, and the only reason," he continued, "the sole reason, is because you don't want him to come kill me."

Lily's thoughts stopped dead at that and shook her head fiercely. "That's-that is not true, James. I don't know why you would think that, but it's not true."

"I wasn't sure," he said contemplatively. "But I thought that was what you were hinting at in the compartment. Now I am sure."

Lily's face burned at her stupidity and she bit her tongue hard, wishing to draw blood. She did not.

"That's actually rather insulting, Lily," he said conversationally, crossing his arms and looking at her impassively. "I didn't know you thought so little of my defensive skills."

"I don't," Lily replied, unsure of what her exact feelings were.

"Then explain it to me, Lily," he said, and she heard the resentment hidden in his controlled voice, "because I've lost a lot of sleep wondering about your motives, and this is the only explanation that made any sense, considering the stupidity you constantly seem to exercise!"

The Lily-before-sex-with-James would have replied angrily, but this Lily kept her comment inside and lifted her chin. "You seem to think you know what Vince is capable of," she said. "You don't, really."

Lily saw the muscles in James's jaw clench when he gritted his teeth. "I don't know what Malfoy's capable of?"

"I bet he's a lot worse than you think," Lily answered.

James looked away. "Every year," he began, "Vince Malfoy's family-if you can call it that-leaves my party before midnight. Do you know what they do?"

"No," Lily replied, dread filling every pore she had.

"They perform a sick little ritual," James spat. "Go on. Ask what kind."

Lily licked her lips, this time not in anticipation, but in nervousness. "What-what kind?" she rasped.

"They kill somebody," James said, shaking. "All the men-Lucius, Vince-once he turned fifteen, Tiberius the Elder, Tiberius the Younger when he was alive, before Arthur Weasley killed him-they go out, and their idea of fun is Avada Kedavra-ing some poor sod who gets in their way, and then-get this, it's hilarious-you'll love it-they go out and rape Muggle women."

Lily sucked in a breath through her teeth and turned her head away, but James stepped forward and put his hands on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him. She tried to look away but he held her head straight almost violently.

"No, love," he said harshly, the endearment sounding like a curse in his mouth. He spat it out in front of her, mocking her. "You listen to me, and you actually understand what I'm about to tell you. For you it's been this little game where you're different because you date the big bad Slytherin, but you don't get that you don't know him. You think you do, but you don't and it makes me so…so sick, because you're going to get so hurt. I can see it when he looks at you-he's using you-"

"For a year? He's been using me for a year? I know he hates un-pure blood-you think he'd dirty himself with me for an entire year if his purpose was to use me? And to use me for what, exactly?"

He shook her head hard enough to smack it lightly against the wall. "It doesn't matter right now. You know who he killed on New Year's Eve this time? You want to know?"

She shook her head, breathing deeply.

"Don't cry," he ordered. "Keep your damn eyes dry. I'm not done. I don't care what you do, just don't cry."

She nodded, silent.

"I'm going to tell you," he warned.

She nodded again.

"Your boyfriend killed Lance Weasley, Arthur Weasley's oldest brother. Vince killed him, and you're going to sleep with that piece of shit?" James's voice was rising in pitch. Lily wanted him to be quieter, but she was afraid to ask. "Fuck it-fuck, fuck, FUCK!"

"S-stop," she managed.

"NO!" he roared. "I WON'T!"

She pressed her hands flat against the wall to brace herself, afraid he would slam her head against the unforgiving stone. As if sensing this, he relaxed his hold.

"He's a bastard, and I mean that in the most figurative way possible. He's such a-he loves it. It makes him so, so happy to kill people. He gets some sick little pleasure from it. I bet if you checked his arm you'd find a Dark Mark there."

"Dark Mark?" Lily asked, her voice surprisingly steady.

"Skull with a snake in its mouth," James explained, looking very sick. "On his forearm. My parents don't know which one they-they put in on-the Death Eaters-oh, fuck, Lily. Why'd you have to choose him?"

She shrugged.

"That's all you can do?" he asked heatedly. "Shrug your shoulders? You don't know why you chose that fuck for a boyfriend? He kills people, Lily! Do you get that? You met Bill and Charlie and Percy-that's their goddamn uncle!"

Lily had nothing to say.

"Lily-how many women do you think Vince has shagged?"

She shrugged her shoulders again. He shook her hard, but he did not let her head hit the wall.

"How many?" he cried.

"At least ten," she squeaked.

"Try at least fifteen!" James yelled.

"That's-that's not possible."

"It is! You wanna know how many of those women slept with him by choice?"

"I don't want to," she said loudly. "Don't tell me!"

"Not thirteen of them, Miss Lily," James bellowed. "Thirteen of those women were raped, four a night every New Year's since he was fifteen, one when he was fourteen-at this school-and he got away with it. That's what you're sleeping with-that's what your giving it to-that fuck is what you're going to have inside you-THIRTEEN WOMEN, LILY-almost all of them Muggles-they had no way to protect themselves!"

"I-I do not believe you."

James stopped instantly and stared at her, stepping away quickly, as if afraid to touch her. He clenched his fists, almost as if he was going to punch her, and he swallowed hard. "What?"

There was no way it was true. Lilt refused to believe that Vince was capable of something like that. She would never make such a bad choice. "I said, I don't believe you!"

James stepped back and looked at her as if he never seen her before in his life. "What did you just say to me?"

"I-"

"Do you seriously think I would lie to you?"

"I think you're jealous of Vince-and you don't-"

"I'd have to be as sick as him to make up something like this!" James growled.

Lily, normally so rational, was about to fly off the handle. James grabbed her wrists, sensing her intention, and he tightened his grip around them to the point of pain. "I'm jealous, alright," he hissed in her face. "I'm jealous he's going to have an irrational, stupid, self-righteous whore in his bed tonight."

"So go tell him and get rid of me!" Lily yelled, wrenching out of his grasp and darting past him.

"NO! Because then he bloody wins, and then you get raped and die!"

The sound of voices the echoed up from the Great Hall stopped them. Dinner had ended. James was breathing heavily; he banished the box and stared at her, his chest heaving with the effort of staying away. He turned and stomped down the hall. Lily stared after him, seething.

It could not be true.

She saw Vince's face in her mind. Oh, it could be true! That was the worst part!

Nonetheless, that night she found herself meeting Vince at the appointed time, and it was only when they were in bed that the panic hit, and she struggled against him so violently she bruised in his hands. Yet Vince did not notice, and he continued doing to her for the first time what James had done with her countless times, without the ending she was expecting. Lily lay there afterwards in Vince's arms and remained terrified, almost having yelled for James and consumed with fear.

To be sure, there was no escaping James, but there was no escaping Vince either, so what was she to do?

……

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=thegreatbreak

Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself-remember to FLOCK!...

Hello everyone,

I'm writing this message to everyone who asked why James is not a virgin (prior to Lily). Eep. I sound so formal. Ah, well. I shall continue as such.

I have heard many different responses to his sexual status.

Well, a lot of people say it would have been sweet if James had been a virgin and he and Lily had shared their first times together. A lot of people simply say that they understand why I made James a `non-virgin' (and I use this term loosely). Still others say that the fact that James was not a virgin was `a stroke of brilliance that'll help to create a lot of drama.'

To address the first point, which is my least favorite: yes, it would be incredibly fluffy and cute to make Lily be James's first and vice versa, but I'm not writing a fluff fic. I'm trying to develop the characters, and I'm also trying to be realistic in the process. Having James be a virgin and then having Lily be extremely happy about this does not fit in with this story. His level of experience did not allow for him to be a virgin, and although it would be very easy to have him be a virgin, I did not want that. Also, there are several points in the story where I gave hints that Remus did not know everything. I even stated as much. The point was to have it be a twist, so I put in clues for both sides.

Other people thought I wanted to create drama, but alas (that's the Dumbledore in me-there's a little Albus in all of us-coming out), my motivations were not like that. I may have claimed indecision before and said that I wasn't sure whether James would be a virgin or not, but I knew from the very beginning of this story that it was not in James's character to be a virgin. I don't care how hard it will be to write from now on, because James was not a virgin. That's how I see him. I'm glad I have dramatic material to work with now, but the same could be created if he were a virgin. He is human, he is a male, and-let's face it, my friends, he is eighteen years old.

And Catherine is-very hot. Plus, she has red hair, which reminds James of Lily. James's own motivations have not been entirely pure. There has to be a time in most girls' lives where they realize that there's that one bitch out there who's going to try to take everything away from you. That's who Catherine is. She is mainly a plot device. What can I say-I use characters shamelessly.

A lot of people asked why James lied about Catherine in the first place. James is very intuitive-he knew that Lily would be asking at some point whether he was involved with Catherine after Lily met her, and while he should have said he had slept with her, he wasn't…ready to let Lily know that. His judgment was already clouded with his feelings for Lily when he lied to her, and that's why he did it. He knew in his mind that Lily wasn't supposed to care who he slept with, but his heart (forgive me for being sappy, please) wouldn't let her think that low of him. He knows Lily instinctively hates Catherine, and he doesn't like himself for sleeping with someone she hates. That's how much James likes Lily. He likes her so much that he dislikes the people she dislikes. (This does not include Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail because he knows the only reason Lily doesn't like them is because she hasn't spent time with them. It should also be explained that he cannot bring himself to like the people Lily does if he has something against them-like Vince Malfoy. This is partly because he knows what Vince is really like. Some rivalries can never be put aside).

Also, many people e-mailed me and some reviewed saying that James's mood swings were extreme. All I can tell is to read and then for the ficlet in James's point-of-view. Basically, I'm saying to be patient. All shall be explained. And-it was a twist, yes, but it will not be the focal part of the rest of the story. It doesn't come up in this chapter as much as it should, but Lily will definitely be bringing up James's deception several times in the near future. She is willing to let it go-at least on the surface.

To sum it all up, I think it would be clichéd, childish, unrealistic, and it would make the plot terribly flat if I were to make James a virgin. I'm not looking to make it sweet and beautiful at the moment. I think…when I think about James and how he is and how I want him to be, I see him as experienced in this particular story. I see him as sure of himself in his sexual skills and unsure of himself when it comes to actually having a relationship. I see him as a good guy who's in a bad situation, and he just made it worse by lying about Catherine. He cares about/likes/loves Lily and lot and he's not sure what to do, and that is part of the reason he's so bi-polar-ish in chapter 21.

I hope that explained it for you!

--Sarina (Sarinileni)

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